The quest for happy imperfection…

That’s right, I’ve been banished to the world of BGBs- big girl bras. I finally faced the music that my cups were most certainly runneth overing, and went to bu new bras the other night. I’m a DD now. Okay, so I’m probably closer to a DDD, but Target just didn’t go that far, and you don’t exactly go seeking out that kind of humiliation. So, yes. My cute 32Ds have blossomed into overly large jugs. Not that it’s that particular size that’s so awful, but that that size is so awful on me. And the fact that my girls are no longer celebrated, they’re repressed. No lace, no cute prints, no sexy styling. No no, when you get to the BGBs, the pinnacle of “cute” is a slightly pink flesh tone and a half-hearted bow on your three inch wide shoulder strap. I swear, the straps on some of these bad boys are more padded than the straps on my backpack! Yes, I know, there are specialty stores that can satisfy my urge for something sexy. I’m not interested. I refuse to invest more than ten dollars in a temporary breast holder, and, I refuse to give in to the idea that I don’t fit into “normal” stores. And don’t even mention VS- the last time I was there they tried to tell me I was a 32B. Huh? We call that delusional.

Well, how goes the rest of it? Not good, not bad. I’m kind of quasi stalling. I gained back up some to 190 last week, and this morning I finally brought it down to 188. I’m REALLY hoping to see 187.5 tomorrow, but I’m doubtful it will happen. Right now I think I’m just feeling really pessimistic about weightloss in general. I’m just feeling really crappy about the way I look, and feeling relatively hopeless. I’ve lost close to ten pounds and I don’t see or feel a difference. And, I feel like I just have such a long way to go. Ugh. Part of me thinks that hey, maybe losing weight isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe I can be the girl to bring the sexy back and make mumus fashionable. Maybe chubby chasing is where it’s at. (Sidebar: chub chasing is a hilarious phrase, I mean, the fact that we’re chubby shows we’re probably not running anywhere, no need to chase!) Then again, no, not really. So, tomorrow I’ll get up and start again. The weather has been off and maybe my stars got back into alignment (I’m pretty sure that I function better when they’re not aligned!) Who knows. I guess the only thing I can do is take it one day at a time.

Tomorrow night I’m driving to the Bay Area to see my mom and sis. Hopefully that can like jumpstart me back into things. I think that next week is going to be a good one for me, especially because I’m determined to get back to the gym. I’ve been totally inactive and feel like my muscles are going to atrophy. Either that, or I’m going to continue to become one with the couch, in which I will eventually grow into it as an extension of myself. Creepy. With that pleasant thought on my mind, I’m off to bed with the hope that I can motivate myself to get up early and take Sierra out before work.

So the scale is playing tricks on me. Damn evil gray box.  I weighed in this morning at 188. All week I’ve been weighing in anywhere between 186 and 190. What the heck? So now I don’t know what I really weigh. I’m going to go ahead and go with 188, just because it’s in the middle of the range I’m bouncing around in. This is, naturally, infuriating and maddening.

I HAVE to exercise. It just isn’t working without it. And, I need to step it up. Walking Sierra is great, but it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to really help my weightloss efforts, and it definitely isn’t enough to help me out with my 500 miles in a year goal. So, time to get down to it. It looks like I’m probably going to join a  different gym. The whole hours thing at the college just isn’t working for me. The rec center at Kahle (about a ten minute drive) is reasonably priced (200 a year. Seriously) and, from what I hear, is really nice. As a bonus, DH takes his boys there to workout each night when he’s on shift. (DH works for a boys’ group home and works Sunday-Wednesday) So, I’s get to go workout with him and his guys (they’re all great guys who were just never given the right chances, and ended up making stupid choices) Granted, they’ll all be playing basketball and lifting my body weight above their heads, while I’ll be chugging away on the elliptical, but, if they’re going (and they pass by our house on their way there) I have a little bit of “I have to go” going on. Hopefully, I’ll go check it out tomorrow with the hubs. (I’m being a chicken and not wanting to go for my first time by myself)

I did get in a nice workout today, took Sierra out for a two hour hike with a coworker and her dog. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely exhausted from it all. And, I give myself a mile for each 15 minutes, so 8 miles. Woot! The cool thing is that I feel it all over- even my abs. Which is cool.  Sierra is happy too.  I am looking forward to the day that I don’t feel like a heiffer drudging to slaughter for the whole hike.

Food? Hm. Yeah, not great. I’ve been pretty much in calories the whole week, or atleast close to. Today was a 1000 calorie ish day. I’m not going to fight it- my weekends are usually pretty low.

Overall, my mood is tanking. I’m low on patience, motivation, and willpower. Bad, bad combo. Unfortunately, I think poor Sierra is getting the brunt of it too. Ugh. What in the world is wrong with me? I’m not even hormonal!! I’m guessing it’s one of a few things: a) my lack of exercise over the course of the week b) my weight bouncing c) not taking time for me d) not spending enough time with hubby e) my food choices being less than stellar or f) life just goes that way. So, I’m stepping up my exercise. And, big fear here, I’m going ot make DH hide the scale from me for a week. I’m going to go back to makign myself do the bubble bath thign every night, and I signed up for a magazine subscription (Fitness, love it. I’ll probably sign up for Shape and Self as well. Need to find one more, so that I’ll have one per week. Any recs?) Time with hubby is hard to come by these days, so the gym should help, and I’ll have to make sure that we spend time doing stuff other than just watchign tv together at night when he’s home) I went grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s today, so food choices should be better for the week, consideirng I put more thought into it that “oh yeah, I should eat”. What to do about life? Just keep living it I guess!

Today’s reason for working hard: Because I want to be hot for DH!

Mizu: Grab a pole and do si do? I’m laughing my ass off right now. I almost have my redneck routine choreographed- a couple fake horse rides, some butt slapping, kicking off my cowboy boots and square dancing with the pole in my blue jean chaps. It’s going to be HAWT.

kendralynn- You are going to fall in love with Trader Joes! And, they’re really pretty cheap. Love their stuff.  The gnocchi is the gnocchi sorentia or soemthign like that. It’s in the freezer section and has red sauce. As for my TJ must haves? Let’s see… in the freezer section I usually stock up on the gnocchi, their sweet and sour shrimp stir-fry, and the chicken gyoza potstickers. If you want a nice little chinese food fix, their orange chicken is very tasty. It’s not AS diet friendly as the other things I stock up on, but definitely not bad. I also LOVE their meat section. The ricotta stuffed chicekn breasts with marinara, the BBQ tri-tp, the bacon wrapped pork chops, and the cabernet pot roast are probably my favs.  Also, their organic yogurt is super super yummy. The vanilla with some banana and their pecan praline granola is like heaven, great bfast or dessert. Also a huge fan of their minestrone soup, the French truffles (a little heavy on the calories at 50 a pop, but they’re decadent and truly satisfying for a treat), their strawberry fruit leathers (way yum), their fat free balsamic vinaigrettes is probably one of the best out there, and their champagne pear gorgonzola dressing is super yummy. Pretty much everything is good there.

leanmoomercows: I hope 20 pounds gone feels good! Ugh. It seems so far away! And, yes, pants do get in the way. Though the last time I shook my thing around with no pants on, well… it wasn’t pretty. That’s for sure!

Sadly, not because they didn’t fit. No, no. My adorable sweetheart Sierra effectively turned a pair of my jeans into chaps by chewing out the inside of the legs down to the knee and up through the crotch. All in about, oh, 45 seconds. Maybe she’s telling me that I should be a red neck stripper? And, yeah, I still wear the same size. Sad. But, hey, it probably means I’m just losing weight all over?

Speaking of losing weight- I stepped on at 186 today. That’s 10.5 pounds. Not bad. Granted, water weight, I’m sure. But, atleast that means we’re close. So I’m pretty stoked about that. Still don’t feel like I’m losing weight, but I’m not going to let that neurosis get me down again.

Today was pretty good. I started off the morning with some scrambled eggs and a little bit of cheese again. Very good. I skipped my morning snack, and had my leftover gnocchi with squash. Since it wasn’t a meatless Monday, I added in an Italian chicken sausage (also from Trader Joe’s) Perfect, but, once again, couldn’t finish it all. Had another fruit leather, yum. Afternoon snack… um… I fell for the cupcake’s siren song. Damnit. But, I forced myself to throw half of it away. I then went over to mydailyplate, riddled with guilt and shame. Turns out the cupcake wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Oh. Hmm. Well, good self-control!

So I didn’t end up going to Thai tonight. Which left me in a bit of a tough spot in that my calories yesterday ended up low, like under 1000 low, and today was low as well. Now, part of me was tempted to just roll with that. But, I realize that I’m losing weight at right around 2lbs a week on 1600ish calories a day. Dropping that far below that (if I would have kept up with my original back up plan, I would have had 2 sub1000 net calorie days) for 2 days in a row, probably not a good idea. Before, when I tried to lose weight (key word, tried) I was eating 1300-1400 calories and didn’t lose a pound. Clearly, low calories don’t work for me. So, I had to figure out a way to eat roughly 1000 calories for dinner. I thought I would have enjoyed that. No. Not really. It was actually really hard for me to let go and go for it. Really, I just wanted my 300 calorie stirfry and maybe a French truffle. But, considering the rest of the week is planned out to be pretty low in calorie as well, I had to up it somewhat. Finally, I decided on Applebees (we don’t have much to choose from for take-out) and had onion rings, steak, a baked potato, some mac and cheese, and a dessert shooter. Looking at it now, and after finishing it… not really that happy about it. The potato was good, the dessert was great, the rest was… well, Applebees. I’m def having some remorse over the whole thing. But, when all is said and done, I was only over by 281. And, when you count in the calories burned from my 30 minute walk at lunch, I was only 86 calories over.

Obviously, I went for a walk today at lunch with Sierra- 30 minutes and 1.5 miles, with some decent hill work as well. I didn’t make it jogging or running tonight. I was feeling unmotivated, and my back was killing me. I have it worked out for tomorrow though. But now I’m trying to decide if I should really run the 5k or not. I just haven’t been committed to my training schedule. By the end of the week, I should be back in full swing, but, that’s almost 3 weeks cut out of a 9 week program. Granted, weeks 1 and 2 were totally easy for me. But week 3 is a little iffy. I mean, I still have time to fit in those three workouts, but still. I have a few weeks until I HAVE to register, so I guess I’ll play it by ear.

Today’s reason to give it my all: I want to live the motto “I can do anything I put my mind to”

others see it as half full. Me? I’m just happy to have a glass!

Today was a pretty good day. The whole scale thing was a little iffy… we won’t discuss numbers today… but, we’re back in black, er, on track.

I started off with a good breakfast of scrambled eggs with just a teensy teensy bit of cheese. Super yummy. Added in a pear, also good. Snacked on some carrot sticks with ranch made from lowfat sour cream. Lunch was some super yummy gnocchi from Trader Joes. It has marinara sauce and mozzarella- amazing. Highly reccommended. And, at only 170 calories a cup, can’t be beat! Originally, I was going to have 2 cups but was full before I finished the first one.  I also cooked up some yellow squash with just a teensy bit of olive oil and garlic salt. Then, topped the whole thing with a delicate sprinkling of parmesan cheese I added in a glass of milk and was very satisfied. (As a side note, I don’t include milk in my daily calories. I find that when I do, I don’t drink it because I would rather spend 90 calories on somehting else. So nowadays I allow myself a calorie free glass a day) In the afternoon, I had a fruit leather. Dinner was some sweet and sour shrimp stirfry from Trader Joes, and 2 french truffles. I did snack on a pack of peanut butter crackers later on though. Overall though, I came in about 500 calories under goal. Normally, I wouldn’t aim that low. However, I’m giving myself some leeway to be able to thoroughly enjoy some super nummy Thai food tomorrow night. I was surprised, however, at how easy it was to go so low. Definitely wouldn’t do it on a regular basis though.

I was also good and got in a nice 20 minute walk with Sierra today at lunch. Half of it was uphill too. So, a nice little workout. I got all gussied up to go to the gym tonight… but, it was not to be. It seems I’ve already been dropped from the class due to my inactivity. Oops! Well, the 6 week class starts next week. But, until then, I need to figure out how to get in my 5k workouts. So, I drove around town and scoped some sidewalks (yes, only in Tahoe do you have to look for sidewalks, and streetlights for that matter) and now I have a couple of routes to choose from. We’ll see how it goes.

 I did have a great victory today. I beat cupcakes. My coworker brought in a lovely collection of chocolate cupcakes with pink frosting and sprinkles. The pink icing called to me. I wanted one. Or five. But, I held back. I knew that I could easily fit one into my calories for the day. But this was about more than calories. This was about self-control, and actually exercising it. I knew that the cupcake wouldn’t be that good- I wanted it but I wouldn’t have craved it if it wasn’t there. And, it was important to show myself that I could walk away from such a tasty, delectable little morsel. There were a couple times I nearly bit them all in half, if for nothing more than to stop them from taunting me. At the end of the day, I didn’t have any of them, and I was still happy. Even more importantly, I had a reason to be proud of myself.

Today’s reason to keep fighting the good fight: Because I never want to be out of breath walking up stairs again. Especially when it’s only one flight!

Well, so far we have lost:

9.5 pounds

4 socks, one beanie, a pen, a steak knife handle, and three erasers. (Courtesy of my most adorable piece of fitness equipment)

My fear of running

A couple inches

Supreme love of fast food

And, most of my truly detrimental food cravings

That’s where we are right now. And, hallelujah, it seems the cloud o’ funk has lifted. I can’t say that I really did anything tio keep it at bay, other than ride it out. But I made it. My first real bout of doubt and loathing. I’m getting back on track, and I’m excited to start this week off on the right running foot.

So, the scale is moving down again, depsite the fact that I haven’t done anything to encourage it to do so. On Saturday, the scale read 187- a new low and 9.5 pounds away from my starting point. I’m choosing to not consider this my weight until I’ve seen it or lower for a few days in a row. But, I am dangerously close to having lost ten pounds. Excise me as I throw myself a mini party.

I haven’t really gotten in any exercise this week, and haven’t even walked poor Sierra as much as I should have. Good thing she’s adorable, because she’s driving me nuts. Though, she can’t help it. She looks at me with thoe big brown eyes that say “I can’t help it! I’m part Border Collie. I should be herding sheep! You can’t blame me for chasing the kitties!” Then again, one of the cats totally torments her. Steps on her, chases her, bats at her. Sticks her paw in her food bowl when she’s trying to eat. Eats her food. She almost got her little butt eaten the other night though, she tried to take Sierra’s bone. A nice, fresh, knuckle bone from the butcher. Love only goes so far.

But, it all goes to show me that, yes, exercise is about more than losing weight. This week I HAVE to get going on my 5k training. And you know what the sad thing is? I like running. I actually am starting to really enjoy it. But, I just can’t make myself put my shoes on, dig out the uniboob sports bra and go. This week, I will. It all seems to be timed just right. The 5k is March 30th, which is just enough time to finish training for the 5k and start training for the sprint distance triathlon in June. I figure as long as I keep myself working towards a goal I’ll ge in good shape. (Hardy-har). I know it’s a lot to aim for for my first year of getting back in shape, but I’ve always been someone who is all or nothing. I’ve done nothing (that got me fat) so I figure might as well try all.

Food hasn’t been so great over the past few days. But, I did work on kind of paying attention. DH and I went out to dinner at Hard Rock Cafe the other night. We had a big odl appetizer sampler, I had soem sort of BBQ duo, and we shared dessert. Definitely over calories for the day- probably just in that meal alone. But, we hadn’t been out to dinner in a month or more, due to crazy work schedules. And, even more importantly, I was realtively smart about it. No, I didn’t order a salad (eew), I ordered what I wanted. But, I was careful to only eat what I was hungry for. When dessert came, I only ate a few bites. Normally I would feel guilty that we had just paid like 8 bucks for a brownie sundae I barely touched, but I really wanted the sundae, and only ate what I wanted. There is a silver lining to the whole thing.

Progress, even if it’s slow, is still progress.

Today’s reason for choosing the “road less traveled”: I want to be able to stand at the finish line of a race, sweaty, exhausted, and smiling- knowing I did something I previously thought was impossible.

leanmoomercows- Thanks for the encouragement!  I’m glad to know I’m not the only one like me though. While other people are the kind to keep the world spinning, we’re the kind who keep the people on it from attacking eachother with pitchforks. It was actually really hard to think of the list though- not because I’m particularly down on myself, or suffer from low self esteem. I’ve just not thought of myself in that way. You should totally try it though. No fair copying though

Mizu- Thanks for the good words. You know, the sad thing is that, once I get to the gym, I love it. In my 5+ years of being a gym rat (now I’m more like a gym ground squirrel) I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had to really push myself to finish a workout (other than from being extremely tired or sore). I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to fight myself to go. Weird huh?

Yesterday was not a good day. Not one bit. Nothing “bad” happened, the sky didn’t fall, it just wasn’t a good day. And those are the worst kind. Where you can’t figure out what’s upsetting you or why you feel like everything is going wrong. Apparently my irrational crazy mood swing is coming the week after TOM. But I spent all day waffling between apathetic and pissed off or worried about somethign totally nonexistant or specific. My attitude about my weightloss took a major downturn as well. I was thisclose to drowning my sorrows in a heart attack sack. But I didn’t. And for that, I’m choosing to be proud of myself.  I spent all day not feeling hungry, but feeling the massive desire to eat. Which sucks. I just didn’t feel like exercising, didn’t feel like fresh tasty ingredients. I wanted something fried within an inch of its life.

I kept reminding myself that I wasn’t happy then. I’m much happier now, gym time is me-time! Why am I fighting me-time? I’ve enjoyed much better food int he past month than all last year? Why am I fighting for nondescript, run of the mill, garbage? Why? Because, it’s easy, and I’m comfortable with it.  I’m also not feelign really spectacular about losing weight. I feel like it just isn’t happening, and now the scale is responding with a nyahnyahnyahnyah. Not cool.

So, I gave myself a homework assignment. 5 things I like about myself that have nothing to do with my weight or appearance. (originally I said ten things… but, I just wasn’t able to pull that out. 5s a good a start) This is especially difficult because, in our society, self deprecation is accepted and even encouraged. Fault finding within oursleves is like a social event where we all chime in together and have a grand ole time bashing the hell out of ourselves. Speaking positively of ourselves is considered arrogant or conceited. And so, speaking kindly of myself is a pretty difficult thing to do. Nevertheless, 5 things I like about myself:

1. I have a pretty damn good sense of humor. I can always find something to giggle about, and I’m gentically predisposed to laughing with only the slightest encouragement.

2. I’m smarter than the average stick. I got through college on the honor roll in three years, and don’t just have to nod blankly in intelligent conversations.

3. I’m honest. I’m not a good liar. I’m honest with who I am, what I stand for, and what I’m doing. I don’t try to pretend to be someone I’m not (I consider that a form of dishonesty) and I’m always upfront with everything.

4. I’m a great cook. I can take on just about any recipe, and love coming up with more on my own. I make the best chocolate cake you’ve ever eaten.  I also make a legendary cheeseburger.

5. I am a very positive person. I almost always see the good in every situation and every person. I don’t take life too seriously and genuinely believe that everything will always work out in the best possible manner.

There you have it. Oddly enough, this post was harder to write than a previous post where I wrote all of my embarrasing things that make me me. Weird, huh? But, I found that it has put me in a much better frame of mind.  The frame of mind that doesn’t make me want to dive face first in a pile of pies.

And, as one last feel good hippie adjustment- my daily reason for not choosing the easy button:

Because I want to stand at the top of the Tahoe Rim Trail and look down on the whole Tahoe basin.

So, here I am. Chilling in my bat cave. No, I don’t have any stalagmites, or bats for that matter. But, I do have the creepy wet walls. Yep, we’re taking on water. It started in the kitchen. I woke up this morning to find my entire counter wet. Which was, naturally confusing to me, considering that the sink was off, the counter is indoors, and we haven’t had any monsoons lately. Then I looked up. Aha. Water is seeping in through my wall, dripping down through my kitchen cabinets and defiling my countertop.  Suck. So I called the landlord this morning, and we’re waiting for someone to come out. In the meantime, I’m practicing my Count Chocula impression. UPDATE: We now have a leak above the fireplace as well. Transformation into the batcave is speeding up. Tomorrow I’ll be chilling with my trained bat minions.

 So I weighed in again this morning, and it seems like 187.5 was only a pipedream. I’m at 189.5 Could be worse. I’m not upset by it, because I accept it as a reasonable fluctuation. But, it does play into my mental feeling of not losing weight.

Today wasn’t too bad. I started using mydailyplate again. I feel like my eating has gotten sporadic, and no longer intentional. Not the way I want to go. I think that not tracking my foods is also adding to my mental mini panic attacks about my weightloss. So, back to tracking!

I didn’t get in much exercise today either. I’m feeling especially unmotivated lately. I got in a 20 minute walk with Sierra at lunch but couldn’t get myself to the gym tonight. I need to work harder at that. I’m supposed to be running a 5k at the end of March, and so training needs to be happening like now. The couch to 5k workout technically takes 9 weeks, and I only have 8, which means I’m already cutting it kind of close.  Luckily, I can already complete the 2nd week workouts, so I’m not totally going to kill myself.

Today I’m really suffering from a lack of motivation.  I don’t feel like eating right, and I definitely don’t want to exercise. For whatever reason, I feel like none of it will matter anyway. Which is pretty stupid. I’ve lost 7 pounds. What I’m doing is working. But, I just can’t seem to fight the mental pudge thats bringing me down right now. It’s just immensely frustrating.  Even as I’m succeeding, I feel like a failure.  Which I guess just goes to show that I REALLY need to work on my attitude. I haven’t been taking the time for my baths lately, or really any time for myself. That’s probably part of it.  But, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the physical, and very little, if any, on the mental and emotional. I’ll think over a gameplan tonight in the bath, and will report back.

Breakfast: Yogurt. Need more protein, substance, and fiber.

Morning snack: part of a snickerdoodle. Not even a good one. It was pretty stale and had to be microwaved before it was even edible. Yeah, desperate times. Had a very tasty Bartlett pear before lunch. It was organic, and though I don’t necessarily buy into the whole organic movement, I will say that the taste and texture is far superior to regular pears.

Lunch: bean and cheese quesadilla, an eensy bit of salad, and peanutbutter crackers.

Afternoon snack: some carrot sticks and ranch made from lowfat sourcream. This was actually my favorite food item of the day. The crunch and contrast between sweet and salty was perfect. Loved it.

Dinner: Had a bag of 100 calorie popcorn while waiting for dinner to cook. I was too scared to use my oven/stove, due to the batcave phenomenon. I’m not always exceptionally bright, but I do know that electronics and water don’t mix. So, I didn’t have a meatless dinner. I had two reduced fat hebrew nationals in one whole wheat bun, and some seasoned fries.

Total Calories: 1368 (goal is 1528)

Distance: 1 measly mile. 

Buy none get three free! Ugh. My neighbors bug me. We live in a duplex, and a pretty nice one at that. Most housing in Tahoe is relatively ghetto. Like, 2 bedroom places that are under 700 square feet with ratty carpet. Or the one place that I looked at that had a tarp for a roof. The guy tried to tell me it wasn’t a big deal. Really? We live in Tahoe. It snows, a lot. I would like a roof please. Anyways.. so our place is pretty nice. Dishwasher (rarity in Tahoe), laminate flooring, spacious, big open kitchen, fenced back yard (also a rarity), etc. But our neighbors…. ugh. They’re so loud! And, they like to yell at their kid, all the time. Now, I’m not a parent, so maybe I’m not an expert in this… but I didn’t think that screaming at a three year old produced results. My personal favorite? When the kid is crying and she screams at him “Am I yelling at you!?!?!” Yes! You’re yelling at him! If I can hear you, you’re yelling at him! She also has a habit of singing at the top of her lungs for several hours on end. What is she singing? I don’t know, whatever causes the most obnoxious voice changes known to man. I’m turning on QVC at full blast, just because the “ooh. and isn’t the eggplant color wonderful in velour?” is better than that.

But today really pissed me off. I come home at lunch during the day so that I can eat and take Sierra out for a quick walk. Today I pull up and, oh, that’s right. My nighbor is parked in my parking space. And, because it’s winter, you can’t park on the street. So, I had nowhere to park, and couldn’t go home for lunch. Luckily, I took a 1/2 hour instead, so I came home 1/2 hour early and she hadn’ t peed in her crate (we’re still housetraining her). But, the whole thing irks me. Grr.

So, Sierra didn’t get her lunchtime walk, and I slept through my alarm so we didn’t go this morning. But I made it up to her tonight, and we went for an hour and fifteen.  It was so cold! Sadly, it tired me out. It was only 2.5 miles. But, hey, I went.  Having her around definitely makes me get out and exercise, that’s for sure.

Food was good, though I was idly hungry all day. Hormones must still be working their way our of my system. Unfortunately, Meatless Monday didn’t happen. I’ll move it to tomorrow. Since I didn’t get a chance to go home, I went by the hospital cafe and had some chicken with roasted shallot sauce, some zucchini, and pasta. I did throw in a little piece of garlic cheese bread, because it looked so darn good. And it was. Breakfast was typical, yogurt and banana. Skipped snacks today. Dinner I had some seasoned fries and a hotdog. Well, technically, I had 2 hotdogs, but only one bun. The bun was just way too big and wheaty for one dog. And, they were only 50 calories a piece. Finished it off with my new favorite, a banana with a little bit of fudge and whipped cream

 Resisting the cake wasn’t really that difficult. I wanted it, but I didn’t WANT it. Since I’ve really started paying attention to how much I enjoy food, I find that only really good stuff will do. It’s funny, because I began bakign seriously as a hobby right around the time that I started trying to lose weight. Everyone thought it was totally counter-productive. But, now that I know GOOD cake, it’s 100% from scratch or it just doesn’t tempt me.

julieesg- Cake is nothing… you passed up breadsticks! I can’t compete with that!

jaime- Thanks! Stepping on the scale was probably more stupid than brave… it’s easy to call it brave when it turns out right!

mizu- Ugh. Plow Drivers. They are definitely evil. It’s like part of the job description! The worst was the guy who used to plow the parking lot at my work. Dude shows up drunk and cackling as he tears ass through the parking lot. His tires are bald without chains, and he’s just sliding around like its the damned ice capades! Finally, we hear this crash…  HE HIT OUR BUILDING! All the sudden, everyone goes running out to move their cars, as the dude keeps cackling and takes another swig of whiskey.

leanmoomercows- You know, heavy snow days are the only time I wish I had kids. Like, a herd of steroid pumping snow shoveling machines. DH actually works at a boys group home, and so I have access to manpower.  But my own personal army is tempting as well. Provided, of course, that I don’t have to actually you know, carry them, birth them, and provide for them until they turn 18 or beg to be emancipated.

That’s right. My “I am woman, see me shovel!” insanity is finally over. I woke up to two feet overnight, on top of the foot or more I’ve let pile up over the course of the week. It would have taken me almost all day. And it didn’t look like fun. Nevertheless, DH and I began the effort by valiantly shoveling out the Explorer so that he could get to work. Only to get high-centered. (If you try to pull through too much snow, it builds up under the center of your car, packing down the snow and raising your car up. The result? High-centered, where the center of your car is up too high, putting less weight on the tires and causing your tires to just spin in circles without going anywhere… while they laugh at you). Trying to get un-high-centered is one of the most frustrating things in the world.

So when the creepy toothless drunken plow guy said he’d do it for fifty bucks, I took him up on it. There’s a lot of other things I’d rather spend 50 bucks on. But, sacrifices had to be made. He towed the Explorer out and cleared half my driveway. Yeah, that’s right, I paid 50 bucks and the guy only cleared half my driveway. Welcome to the world of weasely plow guys.

Yesterday was pretty good- Sierra and I went out for another long walk yesterday. It was actually a long hour and half trudge through ankle-deep snow, uphill. I’ve decided to go ahead and count each 15 minutes as a mile- so 6 miles yesterday. Afterwards my muscles were totally exhausted all over. It was a quasi-nice feeling. We went with my coworker, her friend, and her dog. She’s in great shape, so she was talking about a nice light workout.  Yeah, my lungs nearly burst. I was the first to cry uncle and  say we should head back. But, I did better than last time. And, most importantly, I did it.

Food has been good. Yesterday and Friday were pretty benign. My crockpot turkey chili took the spotlight. Yum, easy, and healthy. I made chicken kiev last night- one of those ready made things from the deli. Yeah, not good. Not too healthy either. Chicken stuffed with butter? Should have paid more attention to that one before buying! Had that with some mashed potatoes made from red potatoes and some steamed broccoli. I used those ziploc steam bags for the first time- LOVE THEM! Those bad boys rock!

Today was a little more adventurous in the wrong direction. I was watching the Superbowl by myself, since hubby had to work and I didn’t feel like actually getting dressed to go anywhere else.  But, I had to run by the grocery store anyway… and things got a little sketchy. I had been craving hot dogs for awhile, so I picked up the reduced fat Hebrew Nationals, and some whole wheat buns (the only kind they had). So far, not too bad.  Well, then I wandered by the deli section. Got some pasta salad and some boneless chicken wings. Oops! I also bought some frozen eggrolls. Though, they’re only 60 calories a piece.

What I really wanted was some dessert. Something baked and sweet. So I lurked around the bakery section, carefully selecting my future victim. Box of delicious, freshbaked shortbread cookies? No. Too many innocents would die. Fudgy brownies? No, too many bystanders. My bloodlust would be too great.  Single delectable cupcake? No, it looked far too sweet and innocent for such a fate. Aha- the 4×4 square of chocolate cake. Perfect. I stalked my prey silently, sneaking up behind it. It was blissfully unaware of the pending bloodbath until it was in my hands. I could smell its fear, though it’s sprinkles taunted me. Tiny, multicolored circles that cried out “Do it! Do it!” I almost did. But the more I looked at it, the less appetizing it was. The frosting wasn’t real buttercream, the cake looked rather stiff and unforgiving. Certainly not Dutch-process cocoa. It didn’t have the moist appearance the would indicate real cream. It was probably made with regular, bulk sugar, not the finely processed smooth as silk baking sugar. Sigh. I put it down. I wanted chocolate cake, but this wouldn’t fit the bill. It might be okay, but it wasn’t going to be the delectable treat I was hoping for. Ugh. Sometimes I regret this “but only if it’s really good” thing!  I did end up with a very tasty dessert though. I had bananas with a little bit of Mrs. Richardson’s hot fudge and a bit of whipped cream.  I splurged and had two bananas instead of one. Small victories, right?

 Speaking of victories… Well. I did something bad today. I stepped on the scale. I really shouldn’t have. The last time I stepped on, I had gained 2 pounds up to 191 form TOM. TOM is just wrapping up, and so I wasn’t going to weight until next week, y’know, give myself a little bit of time to recover.  The 191 thing really threw me for a loop, another gain could be deadly. Not only did I weigh myself, I waited till almost midday, and I’d already eaten.  So I braced for the worst. Drum roll please… 187.5!!! Can I even tell you how stoked I am? I have lost 9 pounds. That’s one pound away from halfway to my first mini-goal… in like a quarter of the time I have to do it. That’s pretty awesome.

It’s weird… The number is dropping, but I don’t feel like I’m losing weight. Which doesn’t make any sense. I guess it’s because I don’t feel hungry, or deprived, or desperate. I haven’t cut out a single food. I haven’t denied myself anything I really wanted. I’ve been going to the gym, but I haven’t been killing myself or pushing myself to the edge. I’ve missed days and skipped workouts. Instead of 6 hours a week, I’m going 2. And the scale is responding. Responding better and faster than any of my previous weightloss attempts.  I keep getting these pangs of guilt- Ah!  a brownie! No! I missed a workout!  I start feeling desperate, like I need to run to the nearest treadmill and eek out my penance until I feel exhausted, tired, and miserable. I just don’t get it. So far I’ve done a great job at losing weight. Now I guess I just have to work on losing the mental weight that previous dieting has put on me.

So I was watching MTV TrueLife the other night. Not normally something I watch. But the show was called “I’m happy being fat” or something like that. So I DVRed it (hate commercials) and watched it. Now, I’m not sure how to feel.

So the basic gist is that there are three people who are significantly overweight, and happy about it. One is a 340 pound gal in her early 20s, another is a guy in his later 20s who’s like 500 pounds and a college gal who is bigger ( I don’t remember her weight, prob mid 200s+) who was starting a size acceptance movement on her college campus. The whole show was really a little distressing to me. The one 340 pound gal kept saying how she was beautiful and loved being big and blah blah that she was healthy and just because  she was overweight didn’t mean she was unhealthy, etc. She later got a physical and found that she was prediabetic and had mild hypertension. Which was a pretty big deal since she was only 25 or so.

The whole size acceptance movement thing is what started to bother me. I have no problem with people being confident and happy with themselves at whatever size they are. In fact, I think that, to some degree, successful weightloss can only come from some degree of self-confidence. But this whole “there’s no problem with being 300 pounds” thing bugs me. Big time. I’m not saying that you can’t be attractive at a larger size. But, it’s about more than that. I work in the medical field and I see how weight affects people as they get older. I work in the home health and hospice office and I can tell you that our overweight patients take longer to recover from surgery, suffer from more infections, their wounds don’t heal as well, etc. Not to mention, many of them require more joint and orthopedic surgeries. Don’t even get me started on the complications from hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc.  And so I can’t accept the whole “I’m okay and you’re okay our bodies are beautiful and we’re not changing” thing. The whole “the world must adapt to us” mentality bugs me. No, I will never find being 400 pounds beautiful. You know why? Because it’s unhealthy. In the same way, I will never find it beautiful to be 5′10″ and 95 pounds.   

And how come the current size acceptance movement is directed solely at larger people? Isn’t size acceptance all about accepting the fact that people come in all shapes and sizes? Why is it then that it’s earmarked with things like “real women have curves”? What about those women who have naturally boyish figures? Are they not “real women”? Why aren’t we pushing to help accept their body as well? Why is it that the only size we have to accept is plus-sized? How come losing weight is seen as a negative, even if it’s health related?

My idea of size acceptance? Healthy bodies. How about  “I’m healthy at a size 10 or a size 6, but I’d like to be a size 6″ “That’s great! I’m healthy at a size 14 or 12, but I’d like to be a 14. Let’s work together!” Then throw in a “Hey, I’m a size 22, and it’s unhealthy for me. I’d like to hit a healthy size 16″ “Okay, we can help!” Why can’t we think “Wow, she’s beautiful. She’s a size 12 and has great curves” “she’s beautiful at a size 2, look how fit she is!” How come our definitions of beauty and health have nothing to do with eachother? There are several healthy sizes for every woman, why can’t all of them be equally beautiful?

And while I’m on the sort-of subject… can we stop the weighloss martyrdom? I mean seriously, get off the cross and we’ll use the wood to build a bridge and help you get over it. The whole “you only have x amount of pounds to lose, you should be lucky” sneer, the “you can’t possibly know how I feel” the “I have to work so much harder” superiority complex thing is old. Really old. At the start of my journey, I had a little over 50 pounds to lose. Some women have 5. Some women have 200. My journey isn’t any harder or any easier than either one of them. But losing 200 pounds is harder you say? No, not really. It just takes more time. Sure, some people lose weight more readily than others. But this isn’t a pissing contest. Not to mention, this isn’t a contest. You don’t get more fat-free, taste-free brownie points in heaven because you lost more weight than someonelse.

The whole “I would kill to be your size, you should be happy” comment? Not okay. Accept the fact that every single woman, regardless of size, has struggled with how she feels about her body. Just because you’re larger than someonelse does not make you more entitled to be unhappy. It doesn’t give you the right to belittle someonelse’s struggles and label them as less valid than your own. Your low self-esteem does not make you unique. Quit wearing it like a badge of honor.

And, why are we defining our liveswith our weightloss efforts or struggles? Sure, it can feel all-consuming. But when it comes down to it, if writing your life-story, weightloss should be a very small portion of it. If it isn’t, it’s time to reevaluate what other interests you have. Maybe add a few. Most of us have, at some point or another, tried to lose weight. Some of us have spent longer doing so than others. Nevertheless, weightloss should not be the most important thing in your life. Throughout the time you’re losing weight, good and bad things will happen, big and small. Let those be the guiding points of that chapter of your life- not salad 7 days in a row.

So, now that we’ve equated beautiful with healthy, stopped the “how many pounds do you have to lose” pissing contest, and stopped defining ourselves by our weight loss, can we get off our crosses and on our treadmills? K thanx.