The quest for happy imperfection…

So, I didn’t weigh myself today. I got up at 8:17 (I was supposed to be at work at 8:30, luckily, I only work 3 minutes away) and barely brushed my teeth before running out the door half naked.

Food was good. I had a yogurt for breakfast, and snacked on string cheese and an apple in the morning. For lunch, I had MCDonalds, I know, not so good. But it was hubbys bday and he wanted to go there (we didn’t have much time) I had a McChicken and medium fries with a small diet coke. In the afternoon, I had a super super small sliver of cake. For dinner, I had a wrap with bacon, turkey, a little bit of lowfat ranch, some lettuce, and just a tiny touch of cheese. But, it was NUMMY. And I finished it off with a 100 calorie pack of Cheezit Party mix.

I didn’t make it to the gym this morning (as evidenced by my super late wake up. Damned Opera Dog) but I went right after work.  Which is especially amazing because I forgot my iPod at work, which would have normally been a deal-killer for me. But, I made it to the gym, and on to the treadmill.  Amazingly, I didn’t fall off of it. Even more amazingly, I RAN A MILE!!!! A WHOLE GOSH-DARNED MILE! Now, I know that a mile is not a big deal to some. Some people run a mile faster than I can brush my teeth. Those people can kiss my ass. Not really, I mean, I’m happy for them and all, but they can take their accomplishments somewhere else. That’s right folks, I ran my first mile in 6 or 7 years, whenever they quit making you run the damned thing in highschool.  I was nervous about the whole thing, because I was running for time,  to see how fast I could run one as my starting point. I was especially nervous because the damned thing automatically shuts off in 30 minutes. That could have been embarassing. But I set a goal of fifteen minutes, and beat it! I ran my first mile in 14 minutes and 4 seconds. Once again, not particularly outstanding or impressive to some, but those folks can take another bite of their powerbar and shut up. Or worse yet, drink some of those stupid gels that runners carry in special belts. I’m proud of myself because, gosh darnit, I did something I never thought I’d do, and definitely never thought I’d like. Now, at no point did I feel like running an extra 25.2 miles on top of it all, but still. I actually liked running. Which is beyond surprising. After my mile, I hopped on the eliptical for another 30 minutes, bringing my total distance to 3.33 miles, and my total cardio workout to 44 minutes.  Whew. I didn’t get any weights in, but that’s a different story. I got my cardio in, and I got my stretch on. And, I can run a mile, which means I can officially do anything. Not only did I run a mile, I ran a mile at altitude. Most people have the luxury of running at oxygen rich sea level. I on the other hand, am stuck with 6500 above, where the trees are plentiful but the oxygen isn’t. And I still made it. I am… what’s that word?, yeah, that’s right, INVINCIBLE.

Going back to the gym was difficult, it was more like the return of the prodigal son than return of the king. It even featured one instructor asking “haven’t you failed this class twice before?” No, I failed once and dropped once. Now go pop your gum elsewhere. The gym was, naturally, full of nimble, toned and spandex-clad gym nymphs. I spent a few miliseconds wishing that that could be me. That I could wear spandex workout outfits without people running and screaming, trying to pull out their own eyeballs. That my abs could be sleek, toned, and tan (I’m pretty damn pasty). That my muscles would be sculpted and strong, my hair would remain perfectly in place as I effortlessly ran 5 miles and finished it off with 500 crunches. Naturally, none of this would even cause me to break a sweat.

Reality check. I wear a baggy tshirt and some comfortable workout pants. Half my workout is keeping my hair out of my face, no matter how many rubberbands I use. I sweat, a lot. And by the time I finish running my mile, I’m breathing hard enough to fit in with the cast of a cheap porno movie. And you know what? That’s pretty fucking awesome. I know, I try to keep my language relatively clean, but it just fits. It means a lot more to me that I drag my flabby carcass to the gym knowing that I don’t like it, knowing it’s going to kick my butt, and knowing that every mile and every pound lifted will be a struggle. That means more to me than showing up to the gym and effortlessly working through my routine. I’m not going to belittle Gym Barbie, because I know that she started at the same place I’m starting, tired, sweaty, and out of breath. But I am celebrating the fact that I got there, I made it through, and I haven’t dropped dead yet. This is an uphill battle, but, baby, you burn more calories on incline.

So I weighed myself again this morning, 192. Not too shabby. Hopefully that number will be long gone soon.

Once again, I didn’t make it to the gym today. The adventures of Opera Dog kept me up last night and the whole working out at 6 in the morning thing was not happening. No, Opera Dog is not some whacked out cartoon show. It’s some damned terrier or something that is determined to live out his Pavarotti fantasies at midnight every night. Now, in all fairness, I’m not entirely sure that Opera Dog is a domesticated animal and not a coyote, however, the sheer duration of his practice sessions points to a dog that most certainly should have been brought inside. (Especially considering that temps are in the 20s at night, or even below). Nevertheless, I could have gone to the gym after work. Unfortunately, I was far too hungry to make it through a session, and my back hurt so badly I could hardly move. But, I haven’t given up hope yet. I’ve already set aside my workout clothes for tomorrow morning, and I’m absolutely determined to make it happen.

Today’s food was MUCH better than over the weekend.  For breakfast I had a light yogurt and half a bagel with a little bit of cream cheese. Lunch (meatless Monday!) was a quesadilla with refried beans and a little bit of cheese, and a salad. I finished it all off with a 100 calorie pack of cheez-it party mix. Dinner was a salad, a baked potato and a stuffied fish filet. I only ate half the fish though. It was just… too much. It was stuffed with cheese and shrimp, which I thought would be good, but I just didn’t care for the taste. I’ve since decided that I will need to attempt making my own stuffed filets that are not quite so over the top. Currently, I’m snacking on a lovely 100 calorie pack of Cheezits.

And here’s where the masochism begins. Tomorrow is hubby’s Bday, and were getting a new OT (occupational therapist) at work tomorrow. So I decided to bake not one, but two cakes. Yeah. Baking is never really considered a good idea for weight loss. But, I LOVE baking. It brings me great joy and pleasure, and so I refuse to give it up. I took it a little easy this time- no tiers and no fondant. I made a combination of white chocolate and chocolate cakes with raspberry whipped cream, chocolate mousse, and raspberry preserve fillings (Not all in each cake) with some decadent chocolate buttercream icing. Now, when I bake, there’s no thought of nutrition. Because, damnit, chocolate cake was never meant to be low-fat. So I use heavy whipping cream, lots of butter, and the best chocolate I can find. And I don’t feel guilty about it because a.) I don’t eat much, if any, of it at all b.) if I do eat it, it’s not a very common occurence and c.) what is life without a little bit of indulgence? Though I must admit, I do have a supreme weakness for batter of any kind. That was difficult to resist. Of course I did have to sample a little bit, simply for QA purposes, of course.

You know it’s funny. I posted yesterday’s bare-all without any review. So today, as I was reading, I couldn’t believe I had actually voiced some of those thoughts. I was immediately drawn to the edit button. Then again, wouldn’t that defeat the entire purpose? It is funny that one of the lovely ladies referred to me as brave. Ha! The other day DH asked me about my blog, and who knew about it. I confessed, I’ve only told him and my best friend. He asked if it was because what I had written was so personal. I told him no, I was afraid that everyone else would find out I’m “fat.” Which is pretty ridiculous. ‘Cuz it’s not like you can hide fat. It’s not like I’m hiding webbed feet or a third nipple. My size is pretty evident, I’m pretty sure it’s glaringly obvious. None of that “pay no attention to the big girl behind the gigantic curtain” here.  But, I had a pretty good laugh at myself and my own absurdity. And isn’t that what weightloss is about?

Well, yesterday and today haven’t been great food-wise. I don’t really want to talk about it (isn’t that how it always goes when we’re not doing so hot?) But really, I don’t want to talk about it because I didn’t eat anything good. And what’s the point in talking about bad food?  Though, I did buy center cut bacon at the grocery store last night (yum! and only 50 calories for 2 slices) and barley, which I’ve never used before, but I plan on putting into soup made from a whole chicken. Culinary adventure time!

I also didn’t get any traditional exercise in over the weekend. I might have gone to the gym if it were open today, but it’s closed on Sundays. I did spend the entire day cleaning my house, and even steam-cleaned the carpets. Now, hauling that heavy SOB up the stairs has got to count for something! (Unfortunately, it seems I’ve pushed it a little too hard and can’t get it back down the stairs. No matter, DH will be home soon.)

Now the reason I needed the steam cleaner in the first place… well. Isn’t that a fun story? The other night I spent a couple hours in our bedroom, finally hanging the decoarative curtains, cleaning out the closet, etc. etc.  I put the duvet cover on, and, as the piece de resistance, made the bed up in all it’s glory. So I finished, and went in to the bathroom to pee. Well, apparently, while I was in there, the littlest one decided she’d like to pee too… on the bed. Not cool. She also managed to pee all over herself in the process, which resulted in her second bath of the week. Yep, more fun for all. So, off to the vet she went (this isn’t a normal thing for her) and found out she has bacterial overgrowth in her digestive system, and because she’s having difficulty with her uh, food processing centers, she’s miserable and peeing to get my attention. Lovely, I knew I needed to learn how to speak cat.  Well, the whole thing had me wondering why I hadn’t stumbled across any other evidence of her digestive troubles. Until today. See, up until today, our second bedroom had only been used as a storage locker/room to keep the litterbox in. We only went in there to clean the litterbox, and since it’s an automatic, we didn’t even go in there everyday. Well, today, I went to change that, and found a couple presents. Totally disgusting. So, the deep clean also had some carpet cleaning thrown in. And, I’ve been dosing the cat twice a day since Friday. So far she seems to be feeling better. Me, on the other hand, I am not happy with the whole process in the least.

Well, this week has been interesting. For whatever reason, my coworker’s abrupt mood change (she also happens to be a good friend of mine) really got under my skin. That, and my work has decided not to offer me a whole lot of flexibility anymore, and so I’m not able to take any classes anymore. Which puts me in a very tough spot professionally and academically. Overall, the whole thing has been icky. And I took it all out on myself. I’ve realized that I probably should have left my job (though I absolutely love it) awhile ago in order to truly pursue school. And I’ve realized that I’m sick and tired of being the one to always catch everyone’s bad moods. I spent a good part of the week trying to figure out what I did wrong, and what I’m doing wrong. And that’s where the problem is, I always assume I’m in the wrong, in every single situation. So earlier this week, I gave myself a major attitude adjustment during my bath. I walked through who I am, and decided that there’s nothing wrong with me. I explored every embarassing aspect of myself and everything that makes me me that I’d rather keep quiet. And here are the results.

I am totally repulsed by earwax. I HAVE to clean my ears atleast once a day or I just don’t feel right. I love the Supreme Court, used to be on a debate team centered around the bill of rights, and find the entire process completely fascinating. I don’t cry in mushy movies, until something happens to the dog. I can’t watch SPCA commercials because I totally lose it. In my head, sometimes I’m a fashion designer, or a famous author, or an interior designer. I am a chronic speeder. I always apologize for everything, because I have no problem being “wrong” if it brings peace to the situation. It doesn’t mean I’m a doormat, it just means that, well, I guess I don’t care enough to be right or wrong. Unless I’m arguing with DH, and I always want to be right. I love diamond jewelry, it might even be an obsession. I don’t own any other than my wedding set, but I have been known to pause the DVR to get a better look at bling. I’m cluttered, disorganized, and HATE doing laundry or dishes (which is why I love beign married- division of chores! Yay!) I’m obsessive about cleaning the kitchen and bathroom. I love wedding shows and weddings. Even though I’ve been married for a year and a half, I always look through wedding magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. I’m scared of heights, mortified of spiders, and absolutely terrified of dying alone. I’m a procrastinator, I have a short attention span, and often don’t communicate what I mean well when I’m speaking. I absolutely love writing essays. I’m a Christian that is awful at praying. I’m overly optimistic, and people often confuse that with me being dumb.  I hate talking on the phone because I over analyze every word. I’m not normally an emotional person, but I always cry when I’m frustrated. Sometimes I have more sympathy for animals than for people. I watch crappy TV, and I like it. I listen to what most people around me to consider crappy music, and I like it. I don’t like birds. My faith is incredibly important to me, but I often have trouble putting it to practice in my daily life. Sometimes, I cuss, A LOT, like a sailor or a thirteen yearl old that just discovered the F word a lot. I apply deodorant compulsively because I’m paranoid of smelling bad. Sometimes I have I focus too much on the future, and have a hard time living in the present. I often worry that people are laughing at me more than they’re laughing with me.

And you know what, I’m not going to apologize for, or be embarassed by any of these things again. These are the things that make me me. God made me this way, and there’s nothing that I can do to change that. I will, of course, always strive to improve myself, but that will be for me, and no one else. There’s no reason for me to be ashamed of any of these things, because every single one of these things adds up to make up who I am. I’ve never been anybody but me, and I’m never going to be anybody but me. It’s about time that I enjoy that, instead of wishing it weren’t true.  From here on out, I pledge to be proud of myself, even those little things that make me weird, awkward, or otherwise unacceptable in my own eyes.

So, by the title, I can imagine that you’ve all deduced that yesterday was less than perfection. Kind of.

I started off with pumpkin oatmeal for breakfast, snacked on a pear and some string cheese, and had some pasta with marinara and 3 lean meatballs for lunch. I was proud of myself because I left the garlic bread alone. That’s like my husband not watching an Arsenal soccer game. But, dinner was where things started to go wrong.

We ended up going out to dinner with a friend at The Brewery- which has amazing food and, you guessed it, beer. So I ordered a pint. And we ordered the potato skins. I followed it up with the veggie pasta (which is in a cream sauce. It’s very light, but cream sauce none the less) From there we went to Starbuck’s- and I had a hot chocolate. Oh. sometimes it feels good to be so bad! But, I drank less than half my beer, and only ate 2 cups total of my pasta, maybe even a little less.  I only had one potato skin, even though it was large.  But it was all so good.  I was over my calories by about 500ish, but, it all evens out with the rest of the week. And besides, I’m in this for life, and it’s certainly not an everyday thing.

Today wasn’t perfect either. I started off well with some oatmeal and string cheese for breakfast. For lunch, I was in a hurry to get kitty to the vet, so I had some Donalds. But I did my calorie research first and had a mcchicken and fries. We had subway for dinner, and all told I was only 30 calories over my mydailyplate calorie total. (Which, in all honesty, I normally give myself a range that is a bit higher than their total). So, my choices haven’t been great. But, I’ve only been over yesterday and today and the rest of the days were under the limit (even Burger Lounge day was under!) So. overall, my week average was still slightly under the calorie budget. Small victories, but significant.

In other news, my nasty chicken came back to seek revenge. Last night I came downstairs to find that one of cats had performed a recon mission and retrieved said nasty chicken breast. So I walked in on them feasting on my living room rug. Ewww. But that wasn’t all. No, I had the pleasure of then stepping in the remains of digested chicken this morning, barefoot. Double eww. The damned chicken is haunting me from beyond. Not only did it taste utterly digusting, but it even made my cats sick. Beautiful. Yeah, won’t be cooking that ever again. Unless, of course, someone I truly dislike comes over for dinner. So, if you’re at my house, and I make you evil chicken, take it personally.

Today was another bad day. My coworker is still being s jerk.  And that’s just getting under my skin. But, so far, I’ve kept myself away from the pastries.  In some ways, it’s probably good that things are going so badly. Between that and just enough small things to equal a gigantic splinter, life is pretty bleh right now. But, I’m still getting through it, without the need to drown my sorrows in saturated fats. I know that everytime I turn to food for comfort, I’m reinforcing the idea that food will fix problems. The only problem that food can fix is hunger or malnutrition. The rest of life’s problems are not caused by food, and therefore cannot be fixed by food. Now if I can only put that into practice when actually faced with the tempting food…

Well, I did weigh in this morning… 191.5 baby! I might even throw a running man into that happy dance.

Sadly, I didn’t make it to the gym. And, it had nothing to do with my back. Instead, it had everything to do with my snooze button. Since DH had the overnighter last ngith for work, I didn’t have anyone to nudge, grunt at, kick, or otherwise maim me should I let the damned thing go off for too long. I need to kick it in gear, I’ve got miles and hours to log!!! But tonight I’ll take a couple minutes to figure out my plan of attack for the gym comeback. I’m thinking first course of action is not dying. How’s that sound?

Well, food wasn’t going too badly. I couldn’t bring myself aorund to breakfast, so I had a pear and a cheesestick midmorning.  For lunch, I came home and had a burrito and a pancake. I know that is probably one of the oddest combinations out there, and no I’m not pregnant. A pancake sounded like the perfect sweet end to lunch and I had the calories and time so why not? Luckily, I wasn’t hungry until I got home. So I got home, and got to work. I cut up and boiled some nice yukon golds for mashed potatoes, cut up some broccoli, and did the quick and easy chicken breast cooked in cream of chicken soup. Except for one problem- the chicken was nasty. Like, wash your mouth out with acid nasty. And, being as I’ve made a mini-pact with myself to stop eating food that doesn’t taste good, I couldn’t in good conscience continue to eat the chicken. That, and my husband is a good man, and if he’s going to die, he deserves to go out better than that. So then we had a big dilemma. I was starving, and when I get hungry, I get mean, and our chicken was revolting.  Unfortunately, I fell victim to Burger Lounge and had a bacon cheeseburger with garlic fries. Yes, I could have gone healthier. However, I rarely eat there, and truly enjoy their food. So instead, I ordered what I wanted, savored every bite (inspiration via round), and stopped halfway through the burger. It could have been better, but it could have been worse. It was better tasting than McDonalds, that’s for certain!

Today was not a particularly good day. In fact, it was a bad day. My coworker was rude to me and in a crappy mood, and that, in turn, put me in a crappy mood. I know that I need to not let other people’s moods affect me, but in many ways, that’s just the way that I am. I pick up my mood from other people around me, especially when I’m stuck in one place with them for extended periods of time. So I’m hoping that I can use my bath as an attitude adjustment for tomorrow. I know she’ll be pissy again, and so I just need to figure out a better way to handle it. I think a gym workout will help alot.

But, I am proud of myself. When I got home, I was all upset and just felt like eating. I especially didn’t feel like cooking. I wanted something like Taco Smell double decker tacos. But I didn’t have them. Instead, I prepped, put everything to cook, and poured a hot cup of extremely delicious lemon tea. Three cheers for new coping skills! Now I know, it’s still a form of consumption, but its calorie free. Even better, it isn’t mindless consumption. Instead, I took a cue from round (who I have found particularly inspiring today) and enjoyed the PLEASURE of tea. I rolled around the texture, the temperature and sweet sour mellow of lemon and a little bit of splenda. By the time my tea was gone, so was my bad mood.

Well, I had a bad idea this morning. I found my measuring tape. And in my sleep -fogged condition, thought it would be a good idea to use it.  Ouch.  Yeah. Luckily I’m not particularly interested and/or good at math. Otherwise, I had a mild curiosity as to my surface area, and its size reference compared to other objects, such as hot air balloons. Sigh. But, I know that this is a starting point. I can’t know how to get where I’m going if I don’t know where I’m starting. And let’s just say that there’s LOTS of room for improvement. Thinking positively, atleast my dressmaker’s measuring tape still fit around me! If I had had to resort the the 25′ free gift from Home Depot, we’d have real problems.

I didn’t get my bath in last night. It was either that or watch my taped episode of the biggest loser. And I love me some TBL.  Thoughts on last night: the yellow team bugs me, atleast that dude does, Bette Sue or whatever her name is has surprised me with her resilience, and I’m glad to see realistic weight loss. Oh, you only lost 1% of your body weight this week? I would love to lose 1% of my body weight a week! Welcome the world of the rest of us! 

Forgot to weigh in again… whoops!

Well, my “I am woman, see me shovel!” mentality is officially over. When I woke up this morning, I could hardly move. My muscles had officially staged a coup. My arms refused to raise, my legs wouldn’t swign out of bed, it was official. I was going to be left for dead in my own bed. I begged my husband to take me into the back pasture and shoot me. He informed me that if I found him a back pasture, he’d be happy to oblige. At that point, I instructed him to pick up my hand and slap himself with it. I’m aware of every single muscle in my body, because every single one of them is going “nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah.”  Forget bootcamp, gyms need to have snow shoveling classes. I’m trying to remind myself that I used to love the feeling of sore muscles, no pain no gain, and so on and so forth. Yeah, didn’t work.  But, as long as I take it easy on my lower back, the rest of me will be fine too.

Today’s food intake was pretty good, and I’ve been in calorie range for 4 days in a row now. Woohoo! For breakfast, I had a mini whole wheat bagel, some yogurt, and a little bit of cream cheese. I snacked on an orange and a cheesestick again, which I’m finding to be a pretty good snack. For lunch, I had leftovers from dinner last night, and had a 100 calorie pack of cinnamon toucans from Trader Joe’s to finish it out. Late in the afternoon, I got pretty hungry again, so I had a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. For dinner, I was going to make spaghetti but just wasn’t feeling it. So I made tacos again, but added a little bit of organic refired black beans (Amy’s brand) to them this time. Super yum.

I didn’t get to the gym today, which I’m really kidn of bummed about. But, last night was the first night I got to spend with my husband since last Thursday, and he didn’t get home from work until 11. So, I figured it would be better to spend some time with him. And I just couldn’t be up that late and still make a morning workout.  I wish I could say we did something more fun or romantic than watching American Gladiators, but, what can I say, we’re classy like that.

So, I switched to plan B, and decided to hit the gym after work. Well, the weather had other plans. The third storm hit this afternoon, and by the time I was driving home from work, it was pretty much a whiteout. Now, I love driving in snow, I might even do it every single day for fun if it didn’t always involve clearing off my windshield. However, even I’ll admit that unnecessary driving in a whiteout is pretty ill-advised. Though I’m more than confident in my own driving abilities, the touristas that have prematurely poured in for skiing are not entirely trustworthy. Now, don’t get the idea that us “locals” don’t like tourists, I’m just saying that, just because you have 4wd, doesn’t mean you know how to drive in snow, as evidenced by the fact that some of these yahoos are driving 45 mph in three inches of snow with zero visibility. I mean, I know Tahoe has some extreme sports, heli-skiing, etc.  However, driving is not an extreme sport people, at best, it’s a leisure activity.

I’m hoping that I’ll make it tomorrow, but I know that, realisticly, if my back is feeling this bad in the morning, I’ll have to pass. But, I did get in some untraditional exercise. I did a whole lot more cleaning and organizing, and one bedroom out of two is totally done. Three cheers for that.

But I didn’t stop there. No, no. The littlest one decided to go dumpster diving. Yep. That was gross. And so, bath time commenced, for her. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Now, not only are ALL of my muscles sore and crying for mercy, but I’m also missing all of my appendages. I’m also pretty sure that my bathroom has been declared a floodplain, despite the fact that it’s the second story. So, I had what, at the time, seemed like a brilliant idea. See, the gray one (Squitty, her partner in crime) is such an oddball that she enjoys water. I figured it might calm Tiggy down to see her big sister chilling. So I put her in too. Except that I forgot one important detail, she HATES the sound of water running. Gah! So then I had not one, but two, wet and sharp cats trying to get out of the bathtub. Luckily, I turned off the tap and got little Tiggy cleaned up quickly. The world was right again. Except that Squitty didn’t want to get out of the tub. Go figure.

I had a pretty good bath last night- save for one disturbance. As I lit my candles, I shook the matches out instead of bloowing them out. Well, I accidentally caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrror while doing so. The horror!!! What was that? A shawl? A bat wing? A newly developing third arm? NO! That was my arm fat flapping hard enough I could have taken flight! Ahhh! My retinas have been burned! And this, my friends, is why I normally choose only minimal movement while undressed in front of a mirror. E-gads. I would have needed a stiff drink with my bath to fully relax after that haunting image. But, it just shows me why I need to keep working hard. Not so much to get rid of the dreaded bat wing, but so that I can get back to a place where I love my body. Until then though, I’lll blow my matches out.

So, for new beginnings, one of my good friends had a baby today. Cute little bugger, provided that he’s not mine, and I can therefore hand him back the moment he starts to squirm/fuss/cry or start opening and closing his mouth in that manner that signifies there is nothing I can do for him.  It’s not that I’m totally anti-child, I’m just far too immature and selfish to have a child of my own in the near conceivable future, and not too proud to admit it.  But the whole thing got me thinking, how come chubby babies are cute, but not chubby adults? I mean, he’s got rolls, I’ve got rolls, how come his are cute and mine aren’t? This is a horrible act of discrimination against the adult human race. We have to fight this. Who’s with me?!  No one? Yeah, you’re right, rolls on adults really aren’t cute.

So, further on in my quest to lose said rolls. I weighed myself this morning for the first time since last week- and I’m down 2 pounds to 194. Pardon the happy dance. We’re moving in the right direction. And atleast half a pound of that is “real” weight, due to my vigorous shoveling efforts.

Speaking of shoveling- my driveway has remained clear and it appears that a subtle truce has been formed with the plow drivers of Tahoe. The supposed third storm hasn’t hit yet- I’m not sure if it will or not. Nevertheless, I have a nice deck covered in 4 or more feet of snow to attack sometime this week should I feel the need to flex my powerful muscles.

Today’s food was good, really good. For lunch I had a mini whole wheat bagel with some cream cheese and a light yogurt. I snacked (Wait! Not allow myself to become so ravenously hungry that I indiscriminately eat everything in front of me? What a concept!) on an orange and a cheesestick before lunch. I was supposed to have my salad  and butternut squash soup for lunch, but I really wasn’t feeling it. I had a massive craving for pasta. I knew that forcing myself to eat the soup as planned would only accomplish 2 things: 1. I’d still be hungry later, or atleast endure the rest of the day with unbearable cravings that, would, eventually, lead to my nutritional demise. 2. I’d resent my soup, and harbor ill- feelings towards it. Perhaps, I will even dislike it’s taste, being as it’s so new, and yet, so forced.

So, I had pasta for lunch. The local Italian place has a wonderful lunch special in which they serve reasonable and proper portions. I had a small salad with carrots, cucumbers, lowfat cottage cheese, some croutons (mmmm… croutons…) and a little bit of ranch. I had one ricotta and spinach stuffed manicotti (just one! just the right amount) and 2 slices of baguette with just an eensy eensy bit of butter. Now, they gave me four slices. And I wanted all four, oh man, did I want all four. But, I was full, and, really, I didn’t need all of them. Besides, I REALLY wanted to keep my calories in range today, so that I could prove to myself that I could eat out and eat what I liked, provided I did so with some semblance of restraint.

For dinner, I got home and fixed myself a nice healthy dinner. I had salmon done up in a little bit of lemon juice, soy sauce, and just a teensy bit of brown sugar. I mixed up some quinoa (which, by the way, is one of my new favorite foods. It’s a complete protein, full of vitamins, and tastes less healthy than brown rice) with a little bit of  fresh chopped cilantro. Lastly, I steamed some broccoli and threw on just a little bit of lemon zest. To top it all off, I even served it in proper portion sizes- with 3 oz of salmon, 1/3-1/2 cup quinoa, and half a plate full of broccoli. When I finished, I was full, but not stuffed or bloated.  Progress!

And now… for the walk of shame. See, in Tahoe, you have two choices for gym membership. Option A is the small time, comfortable, local gym. Comfortable, but small. Very small. And very, very crowded. Like, your hour-long workout only includes 10 minutes of actual working out, and the rest of the time is spent waiting for a machine. Option B is real life Globo gym- where Hans and Mitzy are waiting to show you exactly how unfit and unworthy you are.  Now enter hidden option C- the community college. The CC has an open hours gym class where you average a certain number of hours a week and get to use the facilities for the steal of a deal of 26 dollars a quarter for the most involved class. Score!

So, in the spring of this year, I signed up. It seemed easy enough- you attend an hour long orientation, develop a program, and log your hours. Well, I was, um, just a little overambitious. I signed up for the six hour a week class. Which would have been more possible, had I not imbibed in Margarita Mondays, Rum Runner Fridays, sleep-in Saturdays, been too lazy to get up… etc. And so I failed gym class. So I tried again this fall. Which meant round 2 in the always-painful orientation. Well, my other classes and work were taking up enough time that I was bound to fail again. So I dropped it. Well tonight was my round three walk of shame by attending orientation for the third time.  Now, you’re probably thinking “orientation can’t be that bad” Oh no, it is.  An hour of having the syllabus read to you and going over the most mundane rules of engagement you can imagine. Oh, and then let’s top that off with a three minute discussion of why we shouldn’t drink the cleaner they use to wipe down the equipment.  Yeah, that’s how I spent my evening. And to make the whole experience even more humiliating- once you pass a gym class there once, you never have to attend hell, I mean, orientation, again. Which I’m reminded of everytime I walk in there, tail between my legs. But, I did it. Which means I’m now set up to pump some iron, or something. And I’m now, contractually, an indentured servant to the tune of 6 hours a week. Which I will complete under pain of detah, or having to wear a paper bag over my head everytime I get within 2 miles of the college.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get my bath in yesterday. I just wasn’t feeling it. But, I still had a cup of tea in bed and read a magazine before going to sleep, nice and relaxed. And isn’t that the goal anyway?

Well, once again, I missed my weigh-in window and skipped weighing in for today. Now, as motivating as it would be to see another loss, no matter how small, I also don’t want to feel tied down to the evil gray box.

I didn’t get any shoveling done today because, well, I just had other things to do. It didn’t snow much over the night and so it wasn’t a pressing issue. Plus, my neighbor was out shoveling his side of the drive, and I knew I wouldn’t have the privacy I need to really let loose and shovel dance Broadway style.

But, I did do a lot of purging, of the closet variety. I finally decided to quit hanging on to all those clothes I no longer fit into. For a couple reasons. 1. It’s flat out depressing when your closet has more clothes that don’t fit than clothes that do. I don’t need that kind of negativity to rain on my parade. 2. If I do lose the weight, the last thing I want is to go back to wearing old clothes. Hello, new designer wardrobe! 3. How do I know if they’re going to fit? I need to figure out what is realtistic for me now, not a few years ago. I don’t want to mar my success by not fitting back into something that maybe I was never meant to fit into. 4. Sometimes it just feels good to throw things out. I’m a firm believer that cleaning out closets gets rid of more than just physical clutter. Let’s be honest, it’s freeing and relieving to get rid of crap.

I also tackled our second bedroom- that room that, until now, has been used as nothing other than a storage closet and magnet for junk. Currently, all the junk has been brought out into the open and out from its hiding places. Consequently, it looks like a mini hurricane hit that room. But, it gets worse before it gets better. I put together a corner desk and a bookcase from Ikea, and I consider that my exercise for the day. Now, if you don’t consider that exercise, you’ve obviously never tried to assemble anything from Ikea and spent 2 hours searching the house for the missing wormy guy screw thing. (I think that culprit is feline, but CSI hasn’t completed their investigation.)

So, mission organization is underway. Mission stop eating like the world is running out of food is also going well. For breakfast I had some whole wheat pancakes with real butter and some brown sugar. They were delicious. And the fact that I let myself have them, guilt-free, butter and all, kept me at a moderate portion of just two pancakes. Besides, even if it was from a mix (Trader Joes all the way!), the act of mixing and cooking first thing in the morning set the mood for the rest of the day. I skipped lunch (breakfast was around 11) and snacked on a 100 calorie bag of popcorn in the afternoon. For dinner, I had leftover tacos. Afterwards I snacked on another bag of popcorn (yeah, I know. Need to back away from the PopSecret) a cheesestick and a Betty Crocker 150 calorie little microwave cake thing. And, I think I’m going to grab an orange in a few minutes here. Overall, I know that the quality of my food choices could be better. Much better. But, we’re wokring on this one step at a time. I didn’t get to my bad eating habits overnight, I’m not expecting to change them overnight. Besides, at this point, my portions are more out of control than my choices.

After dinner, I did proceed to show the squash who’s boss. I whipped up a fabulous butternut squash soup (the recipe can be found under my recipes category) and I’m quite pleased with the results. First, it tastes good. Second, I now like another vegetable that isn’t broccoli. And, once again, getting into the kitchen feels good. Cooking reminds me that I love food. My husband’s close friend has always said that when I think about food “good things happen.” I’m just glad that I can translate that into good things that are also good for you. Plus,  I’m proud of my ability to go back to cooking on the fly. I took a basic recipe, tweaked the spices a little, and even cut the calories down by more than half. Take that fast food! I even have a loaf of bread in the bread machine right now. Granted, it’s from a mix, but it’s ’bout time I used that thing for good instead of evil.

Speaking of good and evil, the great rodent battle of 2008 seems to be at a standstill. So far, all seems to be quiet on the Western front as the felines gloat in their victory. Unfortunately, the lack of rodents only seems to make them more determined to find other forms of mischief. The gray one has made it her life’s mission to get outside, and no amount of snow seems to deter her. The orange one, as usual, is trying to scavenge anywhere she can, today brought her to the kitchen sink. Le Sigh. Atleast my life will never be boring.

Well, we made a lot of progress, but, we also had a set back. No bath last night. As some may have noticed, (or not, who pays that much attention?) yesterday’s entry was actually completed this morning. That’s because my exuberant shoveling lead me to unexpectedly fall asleep in a most unattractive arms splayed, mouth gaping open maner.  When I woke up at three in the morning, totally unaware of my surroundings, I decided it would be more calming to simply go to bed than fret with finicky water temperatures.  But tonight, I’m working to bring it on home. As always, onwards and upwards!

1 butternut squash (I wish I had weighed it first, but they all seem to be roughly the same size)

1/4 cup sweet onion

1 can fat free reduced sodium chicken broth

1 shallot

2 cloves garlic

1/4 cup white wine

4 0z neufatchel cheese

1 1/2 tbsp butter

cayenne pepper

cumin

salt

nutmeg

marjoram

To start, heat oven to 350 degrees.  Slice squash in half lengthwise. Scoop out seeds. Rub each cut side with half tbsp of butter and sprinkle with salt. Roast in oven, cut side down, 35-45 minutes or until squash is roasted through.

Finely dice onion, garlic, and shallot. Put in food processor with white wine. Heat remaining butter in large saucepan. When butter is melted, add onion mixture and simmer until cooked through. Add can of chicken broth and keep at low simmer.

When squash is cooked, scoop out cooked squash and blend in food processor with neufatchel until smooth. Add squash mixture to broth mixture and continue simmering.

Here’s where things get a little dicey- add about 6 shakes cayenne pepper, 2-3 shakes cumin, 2 shakes marjoram and just one conservative shake of nutmeg. Add salt to taste. (I like mine salty, so I won’t tell you how much salt I added…)

Makes about 6 cups.  Approximately 125 calories per cup.   

 I’ll apologize in advance because my cooking methods are, well, neverperfect. I’m not particularly precise in my measurements, they usually include things like “2 shakes of this” or “a smidgen of that.” Which, is really because all food is adjusted to taste.  So, have fun with it. Change it as much as you like, I won’t be offended. Aren’t all recipes just starting points anyway?

Also, I live at high altitude. So if I’m posting a recipe for something baked, and you also live at altitude, consider yourself lucky! If not, I will try to put in regular altitude adjustments. As a general rule, in case I forget, double the leavening agent, subtract a little bit of liquid, and bake it 25 degrees hotter for a little bit less time. I wish I could be more exact for you… but, I’m not a chemist. Oh, and that doesn’t apply to cookies, but does apply to cakes, breads, etc. Once again, all recipes are just starting points.