Proverbial horses January 19, 2008
No, not me. I am absolutely ecstatic to announce that I am down to 191.5. That means that I’ve officially crossed into the 5 pound weightloss arena. Woot woot. I’m losing pretty quickly, which is good but somewhat worrisome. I know the age-old adage is that the slower you take it off, the better you keep it off. But I think I’m immune from that for three reasons. 1. My age is still working for me, in that it is realtively easy for me to lose weight, so it will naturlaly come off rather quickly. 2. My new lifestyle supports this weightloss- I’m becoming consistently and enjoyably more active, and my issues with food are slowly disappearing. And, 3. I’m special, rules don’t apply to me. (I don’t really believe that, but I’m pretty sure we all hope it’s true once in awhile)
The last few days have been neither here nor there. I didn’t get in any additional workouts, other than some major housecleaning. Food was good, though I didn’t have anythign truly remarkable or noteworthy. Life was good.
But today brought about something amazing. I snowboarded! Today was my first day back in 5 years, after I hurt my back and was told I should never go again. Now, mind you, I didn’t want to go back. My parents were up for the weekend and suckered me into going with them. This morning I almost backed out. I was so scared of hurting myself. Of falling and never getting up, getting entombed by gigantic snowcats as they regroomed the mountain. I was scared of being so sore I wouldn’t be able to move for a few days. I was terrified of looking stupid, or sitting on my butt all day. But most of all, I was scared of pain, of hurting myself, and what could happen to my back. But I went. And was triumphant! The heavens opened with the sounds of clapping angels, the marching band played, and I was given a medal of valor. Okay, maybe the only part of that that’s true is the marching band, and they weren’t there for me, but still. I made it. I’m alive, I’m okay, and I’m only a little bit sore. Even if I was a lot sore, it would have been worth it. I took one more piece of my life back. I got back one more thing that I had lost when I got the MRI results of exactly how bad my back is. I’m going to continue on in my quest to live fearlessly. Granted, I’m not stupid, or crazy. You’ll never see me in the park taking jumps or riding rails, you’ll never see me flying by at 100 mph, and the only diamonds in my future are in jewelry. (Expert runs are labeled as black diamonds). I’m slow. I plod. I carve back and forth like a beginner, even if I’m not. But, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, and I’m staying on my feet. And as long as I’m enjoying myself, it’s all good. Granted, my calves have put in their two week notice, and the rest of the muscles in my legs are striking, but I’m proud of myself, and satisfied that I got back on the proverbial horse, looked the proverbial bull in the eye, and kicked some non-proverbial ass. (My own)
I can run a mile, cook a fantastic butternut squash soup, shovel my driveway, snowboard. Currently, there’s nothing I can’t do. And that is a fantastic way to live. More than a healthy weight, I’m regaining a powerful sense of self that was hiding. I’m finally beginning to live the life that I imagined in my head. Even losing weight doesn’t feel that good.
My food choices today weren’t great, but they were good. I missed breakfast, but had a cheeseburger for lunch with a Gatorade (I wasn’t drinking enough water), some macaroni salad, and a couple M&Ms. For dinner, I had two peices of cheesy garlic bread, a side salad with ranch, a pear margarita, and about 2 cups of chicken alfredo pasta. They weren’t fabulous choices, but I enjoyed them, was still generally aware of how much I was eating, and therefore can’t complain a bit. Besides, I’m putting thatw hole “food guilt” thing behidn me. Food is great, and as long as I enjoy it (in relative moderation, most of the time) I shouldn;t have anythign but happy emotions to attach to it.
I took my bath this afternoon after snowboarding, and decided I’m going to add some of my newly discovered philosophy to that as well. Instead of just soaking (which I love), I focused on everything that was truly pleasurable about the experience. I relished the way the warm hot water washed over my feet, how it was smooth and warm. I breathed in the smells of my bubblebath- that the mango was comforting and the citrus was uplifting. I played with the bubbles, pushing them around and feeling how light and airy they were. I smiled and took in the gentle dancing lights of the candles, and how I could get lost in the subtle dance of the flames forever.
I realized that enjoying life and enjoying myself are two separate things that are so intertwined that I can’t do one without the other. And I realized that unless I learned to seek pleasure in my daily life, until I learned to enjoy myself and the life I’m living right now, weightloss would never change that. I need to be happy. And I need to not base that on an arbitrary scale number, or size tag in a pair of jeans. I need to learn to find enjoyment all around me, all the time. I am bound and determined to become a true hedonist, yet in a morally and healthily responsible manner. I want to seek to fill my life with pleasure, no matter how simple. And I pledge to never take any of these pleasures for granted.
You know what? Today was a good day. And tomorrow will be too. In fact, I’m pretty sure that everyday will be wonderful, as long as I take the time to enjoy it. And from here on out, I plan on doing just that.
