The quest for happy imperfection…

So I weighed myself again this morning, 192. Not too shabby. Hopefully that number will be long gone soon.

Once again, I didn’t make it to the gym today. The adventures of Opera Dog kept me up last night and the whole working out at 6 in the morning thing was not happening. No, Opera Dog is not some whacked out cartoon show. It’s some damned terrier or something that is determined to live out his Pavarotti fantasies at midnight every night. Now, in all fairness, I’m not entirely sure that Opera Dog is a domesticated animal and not a coyote, however, the sheer duration of his practice sessions points to a dog that most certainly should have been brought inside. (Especially considering that temps are in the 20s at night, or even below). Nevertheless, I could have gone to the gym after work. Unfortunately, I was far too hungry to make it through a session, and my back hurt so badly I could hardly move. But, I haven’t given up hope yet. I’ve already set aside my workout clothes for tomorrow morning, and I’m absolutely determined to make it happen.

Today’s food was MUCH better than over the weekend.  For breakfast I had a light yogurt and half a bagel with a little bit of cream cheese. Lunch (meatless Monday!) was a quesadilla with refried beans and a little bit of cheese, and a salad. I finished it all off with a 100 calorie pack of cheez-it party mix. Dinner was a salad, a baked potato and a stuffied fish filet. I only ate half the fish though. It was just… too much. It was stuffed with cheese and shrimp, which I thought would be good, but I just didn’t care for the taste. I’ve since decided that I will need to attempt making my own stuffed filets that are not quite so over the top. Currently, I’m snacking on a lovely 100 calorie pack of Cheezits.

And here’s where the masochism begins. Tomorrow is hubby’s Bday, and were getting a new OT (occupational therapist) at work tomorrow. So I decided to bake not one, but two cakes. Yeah. Baking is never really considered a good idea for weight loss. But, I LOVE baking. It brings me great joy and pleasure, and so I refuse to give it up. I took it a little easy this time- no tiers and no fondant. I made a combination of white chocolate and chocolate cakes with raspberry whipped cream, chocolate mousse, and raspberry preserve fillings (Not all in each cake) with some decadent chocolate buttercream icing. Now, when I bake, there’s no thought of nutrition. Because, damnit, chocolate cake was never meant to be low-fat. So I use heavy whipping cream, lots of butter, and the best chocolate I can find. And I don’t feel guilty about it because a.) I don’t eat much, if any, of it at all b.) if I do eat it, it’s not a very common occurence and c.) what is life without a little bit of indulgence? Though I must admit, I do have a supreme weakness for batter of any kind. That was difficult to resist. Of course I did have to sample a little bit, simply for QA purposes, of course.

You know it’s funny. I posted yesterday’s bare-all without any review. So today, as I was reading, I couldn’t believe I had actually voiced some of those thoughts. I was immediately drawn to the edit button. Then again, wouldn’t that defeat the entire purpose? It is funny that one of the lovely ladies referred to me as brave. Ha! The other day DH asked me about my blog, and who knew about it. I confessed, I’ve only told him and my best friend. He asked if it was because what I had written was so personal. I told him no, I was afraid that everyone else would find out I’m “fat.” Which is pretty ridiculous. ‘Cuz it’s not like you can hide fat. It’s not like I’m hiding webbed feet or a third nipple. My size is pretty evident, I’m pretty sure it’s glaringly obvious. None of that “pay no attention to the big girl behind the gigantic curtain” here.  But, I had a pretty good laugh at myself and my own absurdity. And isn’t that what weightloss is about?