The quest for happy imperfection…

Well, yesterday and today haven’t been great food-wise. I don’t really want to talk about it (isn’t that how it always goes when we’re not doing so hot?) But really, I don’t want to talk about it because I didn’t eat anything good. And what’s the point in talking about bad food?  Though, I did buy center cut bacon at the grocery store last night (yum! and only 50 calories for 2 slices) and barley, which I’ve never used before, but I plan on putting into soup made from a whole chicken. Culinary adventure time!

I also didn’t get any traditional exercise in over the weekend. I might have gone to the gym if it were open today, but it’s closed on Sundays. I did spend the entire day cleaning my house, and even steam-cleaned the carpets. Now, hauling that heavy SOB up the stairs has got to count for something! (Unfortunately, it seems I’ve pushed it a little too hard and can’t get it back down the stairs. No matter, DH will be home soon.)

Now the reason I needed the steam cleaner in the first place… well. Isn’t that a fun story? The other night I spent a couple hours in our bedroom, finally hanging the decoarative curtains, cleaning out the closet, etc. etc.  I put the duvet cover on, and, as the piece de resistance, made the bed up in all it’s glory. So I finished, and went in to the bathroom to pee. Well, apparently, while I was in there, the littlest one decided she’d like to pee too… on the bed. Not cool. She also managed to pee all over herself in the process, which resulted in her second bath of the week. Yep, more fun for all. So, off to the vet she went (this isn’t a normal thing for her) and found out she has bacterial overgrowth in her digestive system, and because she’s having difficulty with her uh, food processing centers, she’s miserable and peeing to get my attention. Lovely, I knew I needed to learn how to speak cat.  Well, the whole thing had me wondering why I hadn’t stumbled across any other evidence of her digestive troubles. Until today. See, up until today, our second bedroom had only been used as a storage locker/room to keep the litterbox in. We only went in there to clean the litterbox, and since it’s an automatic, we didn’t even go in there everyday. Well, today, I went to change that, and found a couple presents. Totally disgusting. So, the deep clean also had some carpet cleaning thrown in. And, I’ve been dosing the cat twice a day since Friday. So far she seems to be feeling better. Me, on the other hand, I am not happy with the whole process in the least.

Well, this week has been interesting. For whatever reason, my coworker’s abrupt mood change (she also happens to be a good friend of mine) really got under my skin. That, and my work has decided not to offer me a whole lot of flexibility anymore, and so I’m not able to take any classes anymore. Which puts me in a very tough spot professionally and academically. Overall, the whole thing has been icky. And I took it all out on myself. I’ve realized that I probably should have left my job (though I absolutely love it) awhile ago in order to truly pursue school. And I’ve realized that I’m sick and tired of being the one to always catch everyone’s bad moods. I spent a good part of the week trying to figure out what I did wrong, and what I’m doing wrong. And that’s where the problem is, I always assume I’m in the wrong, in every single situation. So earlier this week, I gave myself a major attitude adjustment during my bath. I walked through who I am, and decided that there’s nothing wrong with me. I explored every embarassing aspect of myself and everything that makes me me that I’d rather keep quiet. And here are the results.

I am totally repulsed by earwax. I HAVE to clean my ears atleast once a day or I just don’t feel right. I love the Supreme Court, used to be on a debate team centered around the bill of rights, and find the entire process completely fascinating. I don’t cry in mushy movies, until something happens to the dog. I can’t watch SPCA commercials because I totally lose it. In my head, sometimes I’m a fashion designer, or a famous author, or an interior designer. I am a chronic speeder. I always apologize for everything, because I have no problem being “wrong” if it brings peace to the situation. It doesn’t mean I’m a doormat, it just means that, well, I guess I don’t care enough to be right or wrong. Unless I’m arguing with DH, and I always want to be right. I love diamond jewelry, it might even be an obsession. I don’t own any other than my wedding set, but I have been known to pause the DVR to get a better look at bling. I’m cluttered, disorganized, and HATE doing laundry or dishes (which is why I love beign married- division of chores! Yay!) I’m obsessive about cleaning the kitchen and bathroom. I love wedding shows and weddings. Even though I’ve been married for a year and a half, I always look through wedding magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. I’m scared of heights, mortified of spiders, and absolutely terrified of dying alone. I’m a procrastinator, I have a short attention span, and often don’t communicate what I mean well when I’m speaking. I absolutely love writing essays. I’m a Christian that is awful at praying. I’m overly optimistic, and people often confuse that with me being dumb.  I hate talking on the phone because I over analyze every word. I’m not normally an emotional person, but I always cry when I’m frustrated. Sometimes I have more sympathy for animals than for people. I watch crappy TV, and I like it. I listen to what most people around me to consider crappy music, and I like it. I don’t like birds. My faith is incredibly important to me, but I often have trouble putting it to practice in my daily life. Sometimes, I cuss, A LOT, like a sailor or a thirteen yearl old that just discovered the F word a lot. I apply deodorant compulsively because I’m paranoid of smelling bad. Sometimes I have I focus too much on the future, and have a hard time living in the present. I often worry that people are laughing at me more than they’re laughing with me.

And you know what, I’m not going to apologize for, or be embarassed by any of these things again. These are the things that make me me. God made me this way, and there’s nothing that I can do to change that. I will, of course, always strive to improve myself, but that will be for me, and no one else. There’s no reason for me to be ashamed of any of these things, because every single one of these things adds up to make up who I am. I’ve never been anybody but me, and I’m never going to be anybody but me. It’s about time that I enjoy that, instead of wishing it weren’t true.  From here on out, I pledge to be proud of myself, even those little things that make me weird, awkward, or otherwise unacceptable in my own eyes.