The quest for happy imperfection…

So, I’ve been hanging strong at 189. Which is pretty cool, because I thought it was a fluke for sure.

I’m tired and grumpy. It’s TOM and I’m not happy about that. I’m contemplating getting my uterus and all it’s corresponding parts removed. That might help the weightloss effort! Okay, maybe not. But I am tired. And I feel like eating. Something fried, to be specific.

The last few days have been pretty okay. Not too bad, not too good. Tuesday night I ended up staying late at work and drove home in a big ole snow storm. So, I didn’t make it out to the gym, or out to get poor Sierra her walk. I had my typical yogurt for breakfast. Then, things went awry. I couldn’t break away from work to go home and eat anything tasty (and walk Sierra) so I got stuck with McDonalds. I had the chicken mcnuggets and fries. The calorie damage wasn’t too bad, but I didn’t enjoy it because it wasn’t what I really wanted. Since I got home late, I was STARVING. I ended up eating two bean and cheese quesadillas (each quesadilla is one tortilla folded in half). But, I was HUNGRY. And, I don’t do well with hungry.

 Yesterday we went out to lunch for a coworker’s bday. I had the world’s best clam chowder, half a steak sandwich, and some kettle chips. And it was good. Their clam chowder is totally different than most new England clam chowder. It’s got a bunch fo veggies in it, and spices that just make it… mmm. Yum. If you’re ever in Tahoe you MUST go to the Blue Angel café and have their clam chowder. My sandwich had fresh mozzarella cheese, mushrooms, onions, and peppers. So good. I could only eat half though. I wanted to eat more, but I was full. Now, the kettle chips… mm. Excuse me as I drool on myself. They make their kettlechips homemade, and they’re not greasy or overly salty. Then they serve them with garlic aioli… heart be still!  Lunch took up my whole lunch hour, and so once again, I didn’t get a chance to take Sierra out for a walk. (though DH took her for a really long one in the morning) When I got home, we had to take our friend’s daughter home, and then had a meeting with a local pastor about helping out with their youth group. So, most of our night was consumed with that. We did manage to eek in some dinner- pulled BBQ chicken swiches (inspiration via our lovely shrinking goddess).

I’m feeling really apathetic right now. And chubby. I haven’t been writing every day, whish is probably part of it. And I haven’t used mydailyplate in a week.  My eating has been good, but I’m having such a hard time getting to the gym. Right now DH is working a crazy 7 day a week schedule. And Sun- Tuesday he works until 10 or 11 or stays overnight. So I really only have a good chance of seeing him on Wed-Fri nights. Thursday night we have family dinner night with our really good friends, and so I can’t go then. I try to make myself go in the mornings, but I just can’t do it. And I want this whole thing to be fun and not feel like something I HAVE to do. Right now, it’s something I WANT to do. But, if I want to keep this class, I have to figure out how to get in 19 more hours before Feb 15^th. And then go 6 hours a week. So, I think I’m going to have to drop the class, and start the 6 week class instead (which I think starts in 2 weeks) I’m thinking that I should make DH sign up too, so he can go with me Wed and Fri nights. Hmm. We shall see.

 Ugh. I just want a doughnut. And a nap. Then another doughnut.

…in a totally wonderful and non-child related way. This weekend I brought home the most wonderful pupper, a 5 year old lab and border collie mix named Sierra. She’s absolutely adorable (photos forthcoming when I’m not too lazy to find my card reader) and has rapidly weaseled her way into my heart. Not that it took much weaseling, mind you.  But, that was our big excitement for the weekend. My friend and I drove out to Reno on Saturday and picked her up. It was SO hard, they have over a hundred dogs. But, she was the first one I saw outside the kennel, and it was love. She’s currently curled up next to me on the couch.

She’s already turning out to be a great exercise pusher! At 7:00 (when DH woke up for work) Sunday morning she decided it was time to be awake. So, we went for a walk. Not a long one, but I can’t remember the last time I was up that early and moving on a Sunday. We followed that up with a nice LONG walk through the trails behidn my friend’s house with her two dogs. We went for about 2 hours uphill and through snow. Needless to say, when we got home, we were both pretty much comatose on the couch for two hours. Today we went for a 30 minute walk at lunch, and a 20 minute walk after I got done with the gym.

The rest of the weekend was relatively uneventful, food was good. I didn’t eat much, but I usually don’t on the weekends. I went to QDobo or whatever it’s called on the way home from getting Sierra and got a super tasty steak burrito, and had chips with salsa and queso dip. Yum! Today I had some breakfast scramble and yogurt for breakfast, snacked on some sugar snap peas, and some string cheese. For lunch I had an apple and a black bean and cheese quesadilla.

 When I got back to the office, I fell victim to the brownie. My coworker bought my favorite ones from Raley’s. I started off with half. Then I went back for another half. But, they weren’t cut up, so I grabbed a whole one. As I was eating I realized that they weren’t nearly as good as I remembered them. I could taste preservatives. NOOO!! I’m turning into a brownie snob! I thought about how much better they would be if they were homemade.  I still kept eating, the texture was just so pleasing. But as I approached the halfway mark, I stopped myself. I wrapped it in its papertowel and threw it in the trash. I felt like one of those people who has to kill a family member to prove their loyalty to a cause. Sigh. But, I did it. Admittedly, I had a couple bites again later. (not from the trashcan brownie, I’m not that desperate)

I got to the gym tonight and but in a good effort. I didn’t do any running today, but I walked a steady mile with incline intervals. That kicked my butt! Then I moved over to rowing for awhile, and then a mile on the eliptical. Overall, I got about 45 minutes of cardio and three miles in. I also lifted weights for my lower body and did some wall squats. When I was done, Sierra and I walked around the parking lot for twenty minutes. Now, I know that sounds weird. But in Tahoe, we don’t have sidewalks or streetlights, and since we live on a busy street, there’s really nowherelse to walk after dark. I’m going to give myself a mile for that walk and a mile for the lunch walk. So, today’s total- 5 miles. I’m giving myself 4 for yesterday. 9 miles in two days, not bad.

So, I’m officially out of the 190s. And it feels amazing. I mean, I feel great because I’ve lost 7 and a half pounds in less than a month. But I feel GREAT because I feel like I’ve made so many good choices and changes. I don’t feel like I’m dieting, or working hard to lose weight. I feel as if I’m just living, and weight just happens to be coming off. And I feel like the life I’m building is ten times better than anything before it. I’m active and enjoying myself, I’m LOVING food, and I’m finding new hobbies that don’t involve remote controls. I may have lost 7.5 pounds, but I feel as if I’ve lost twenty. Actually, I feel like I’m getting to a place that the number on the scale doesn’t even matter anymore. (But hey, sometimes having a braggable number is good too!)

So, it’s been a good crazy weekend, so I didn’t have time to write much. Today is going to be crazy as well, though probably more bad-crazy. (Big Ole storm! Got a couple feet in some parts of town overnight, and it’s not slowing yet!)

But, as my post is titled- I’m officially out of the 190s!!!! This morning, the scale officially read 189. No .5 or anything like that. 1friggin89. I’m stoked. Today will be a good day.

So today.. 190.5!!!! Woot!

Even better, I was telling one of my coworkers the new success and my other other coworker says “wait, 190.5 what?” I told her that was my weight. She said there was no way. I told her I had been 196.5. She couldn’t believe it. She told me there was absolutely no way, she had me figured between 150-160. If only! But, that made me feel pretty good. Especially because she’s an RN, and has been in the medical field about as long as I’ve been alive.  So, yeah. I may not weigh 150, but if I can look it, I’m cool with that too! (For the record, most people are shocked at my weight, or even my size. Somehow I guess I’m just better distributed?)

Well, food was not so good. I had my typical yogurt for breakfast, but no banana and skipped my snack. For lunch, nothing sounded good except McDonalds. Ew. I know. So I went, and swapped my typical crispy chicken sandwich for nuggets and splurged on the medium fries instead of the small. I figured I’d make it up at dinner. Nope. DH had to run an errand for work to Carson city, and so I went with him, otherwise I wouldn’t see him tonight. So we had In-N-Out. Ugh. Fast food twice in a day. Never good. Fighting the urge to feel guilty. But, this is life. I’m not dieting, I’m just living. And sometimes things don’t go as planned. No use feeling bad, just shrug the shoulders and work harder tomorrow.  The sad thing is, I would have been totally within calories, had I not snacked on a pack of peanut butter crackers while waiting for hubby.

Once again, I didn’t make it to the gym. As much as I’m not a morning person, I think I need to start going in the mornings. I love working out at night, which works our perfectly when hubby is working (generally, Mon and Tues nights) However, when he is home, I like spending time with him. Fancy that! And, if I go in the AM, I don’t have the rest of the day to discourage me from going. It’s going to be difficult, especially because the gym doesn’t open until 6, and I usually have to be at work by 8. So, a bit of a tight fit. But, if I can get into the habit of planning out my clothes the night before, it might work.

In other news, I’m totally exhausted, our friend’s daughter is staying over tonight, and I have a big day tomorrow. Hoping I’ll get the bath in!

So it started snowing again today, which isn’t surprising. It’s Tahoe, it’s winter, snow happens. But I’m always amazed by the number of locals who freak out. It’s hilarious. I mean, we’re only supposed to get, at most, a foot overnight. At most. And yet people are acting like we’re getting hit by a world-ending storm. “Oh man, I’m going straight home tonight! Be really really careful! We’re getting a foot!” I mean, I’m careful driving in the snow, but I’m not scared or uncomfortable. It’s a deterent, because I hate being cold and brushign off my car. But short of full on whiteout, like, can’t see the hood of my car whiteout (which, I’ve been there. Not cool), I’m not going to let it keep me from doing the things I need or want to do.  On top of that, the same coworkers who refuse to leave the driveway in a flurry, still rib me for being a flatlander, because I’ve only been here a year to their 15+. Which is especially funny because I spent my first Tahoe winter on Echo Summit, where we get three feet per each foot at lake level, and I’m way more comfortable in snow than they are. What can I say, we’re an odd breed up here. (By the way, you’re considered a local by most when you’ve lived here for a continuous 6 month period, including one winter. Your prize? A “Keep Tahoe Blue” bumper sticker. Granted, those aren’t nearly as popular since the TRPA’s draconian policies nearly cost us our town, but we’ll discuss crazy local politics at a different time)

I did get to celebrate another loss today, I’m down to 191 baby! I have fleeting hopes of being in the 180s by Feb, but I don’t want to push it too hard or get my hopes up too high.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to the gym today. We went to “family dinner night” back up on the summit and that took most of the night. I actually found myself missing my gym time. Crazy. But, I’m getting back into the mentality where gym time is me time. And I like that.

Food today was good, but nothing was great. I had some more breakfast scramble for breakfast with a banana. At lunch, I went over to the hospital and had pasta and peas with mushrooms. The pasta was pretty good, it had a nice thick meat sauce to it. The mushrooms looked like they came from a can (canned fungus… eew. ) and so I picked around them. Unfortunately, my peas were actually small pebbles masquerading as peas. So I passed on those as well. I finished off with another tiny littl epiece of the banana bread. It’s just so good. Probably some of the best banana bread I’ve ever had. Dinner wasn’t too bad. I had two slices of french bread with butter, which wasn’t so hot. But I had about two cups of spinach salad with a great balsamic vinaigrette on it. We also had an all-organic homemade veggie lasagna. It was okay, but meh. The noodles were whole wheat and it tasted healthy, I think that says it all.

I was pretty good about getting in a lot of water today. It was good, it helped me feel full and awake, and I can see how it can help with weightloss. Because I was running laps to pee! I am most certainly a member of the PC club. (That’s the pee-clear club, for those fortunate enough to avoid the backpacking trips I’ve been on.) I also nixed the diet soda with lunch after our lovely shrinking goddess connected it to munchies. Sure enough, I wasn’t dying to eat my desk or anything on it. So, looks like my diet soda days are numbered.

Didn’t get my bath in last night. DH was home and we both fell asleep on the couch watching something stupid on TV. Yep, we’re hopeless romantics.

Today was relatively blah. So, I’m reminding myself, and confessing to you guys, the stakes. At the end of last year, my mom made a proposition. If she, my sister, and I, could lose a collective 60 pounds, there would be a reward. That reward is a 7 day Mexican cruise, paid for by the madre. So, basically, if we can each lose 20 pounds before May 8th, we’ll be cruisin’ USA… er, Mexico.

So now I have double incentive. I want to lose weight so that I can go on a cruise. I also want to lose weight so that I can enjoy my cruise without having to wear a muumuu or other large piece of fabric in order to respect the other cruise guests. I’m dying to go to Mexico. Especially because it’s snowy and cold here. Laying in the sun, in my bikini that I actually look good in, looking out over the ocean while sipping a tropical drink… excuse me as I wipe the drool off my keyboard.

I figure that in order to be truly happy figure-wise, I need to lose about 6 pounds a month until the cruise. So far, we’re right on target.

Food was pretty good today. For breakfast I had a small scramble that I whipped up the other night. It had potatoes, eggs, and a little bit of sweet onion. I put a bit of ketchup on it as well. It was really good and satisfying. I enjoyed the subtle sweet spicy of the onion, the chewy texture of the potato, and the saltiness of the ketchup. I also had a banana, which was perfectly ripe. Yellow with some green on the tips. It was firm, sweet, but not too sweet. I snacked on some string cheese, which was very satisfying as well. I took a cue from the lovely round, and made sure to really enjoy it. It tasted creamy, and I loved getting to pull it apart into super thin little strings. Lunch was really good. Like, surprisingly good. I stopped by the hospital cafe and had green bean almondine, chicken dijon and mashed potatoes. The chicken was fabulous, it was lemony and mustardy, nice and tangy. It was cooked really nicely, very juicy, and there was just enough sauce to make it really tasty, without being overpowering. The green beans were great, steamed just enough to still be crispy, and the almonds added a chewy crunch. The mashed potatoes were good, lumpy, real, with skins still on. Creamy, salty, and just a little buttery. I made sure to leave some of them on my plate, though I’m sure I could have eaten them all. 

In the afternoon, I fell victim to the banana bread that was in the kitchen. But, I knew that if I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t eat it. Well, I loved it. It was moist, perfectly spiced, and tasted just like real, hearty banana. So I had a 1/4 of an inch slice and savored every bite.  When I got home, things got a bit shaky. We were trying to sort out what to eat for dinner and blah blah. So I had a pack of peanut butter crackers. I finally made dinner, and I had a wrap sandwich with trukey, light ranch, lettuce, center cut bacon, and some garlic jack cheese. Now, that was tasty. The ranch and garlic jack together were perfect, with some light spice and a nice deep flavor that perfectly complimented the crisp bacon and cool turkey. Afterwards, I tried my new 100 calorie dessert bars. I tried the NutterButter bar. Took one bite and evaluated. Cardboardy, unpleasantly chewy texture, mild peanut butter. Threw it in the trash. Tried the Oreo bar. Harsh, chemical, stiff, bland and yet awfully flavored. Threw it in the trash. Tried the Chips Ahoy bar. Gah! Ew! Spit! Threw it away as well.  Now, a month or so ago, I would have just eaten the first bar because, hey, 100 calories! But now, I’m unwilling to waste even 100 calories on food that doesn’t please me. I did grab a 100 calorie pack of Ritz mix. I love how some of the crackers are crumbly, the pretzels are crunchy, the cheese crackers are cheesy,a nd the chexy things are extra salty. I also grabbed one more pack of the peanut butter on those orange crackers. Yeah, I don’t have an excuse for that.

So I’ll close with some inspiration. The bikini, not the model. The ribby look doesn’t suit me and my boobs will ALWAYS be bigger than that. But, I like the bikini. Someday, I could look real good in that. Mhmm, yes I could. Hey, I have the hair already.

… but are anyway. Our Denny’s blew up. And that makes me giggle. I mean, I know, I shouldn’t laugh. But, no one was seriously hurt, and it was a freak accident (gas built up in the attic, nothing malicious or intentional). And the mental picture of our Denny’s blowing up is just very funny. (I’m imagining flying pancakes) I just can’t help but wonder if it’s a sign from God. Y’know, like, thou shalt not consume more than your daily reccomended calories in one meal alone. And thinking of that makes me giggle more.

So Denny’s blew up the weekend before last. Then, last Thursday, someone drove into the front of Subway with a Uhaul. What is going on here? It’s not safe to eat out in Tahoe anymore! I’ve since decided that God is trying to tell me to eat at home.

Today was pretty good. I weighed in at 192.5. As much as I would like to see more loss than gain, I’m okay with it. I always bounce between 1-2 pounds, and that bounce is getting lower. I had yogurt and a banana for breakfast and snacked on a string cheese. For lunch, I had my new favorite wrap- tortilla with turkey, center cut bacon, ligth ranch, lettuce, and the tiniest sprinkle of cheese. I had that with a cup of sugar snap peas and a 100 calorie pack of cheez-its. At work, I snacked on one Hershey’s kiss, and a delicious pear.  I also made an effort to get my water in, and I think that helped a lot.

After work, McDonald’s was calling to me like a siren song. My mouth cried out for salty fries. So when I left work, I made sure that I peeled out of the parking lot and made a bee-line in the opposite direction. On the way home, I realized that I really didn’t have anything appetizing waiting for me at home. So I swung by the Grocery Outlet. It’s one of those discount stores that the inventory is never the same, but the prices are good. Normally I don’t shop there (it’s very heavy on processed food) but it was on my way home. I picked up some awesome 100 calorie packs and desserts, which was a nice surprise. But I just couldn’t find anything I wanted for dinner. I still wanted McDonalds. Fine. If I wanted a burger and fries, that was fine. But I was going to make it. I grabbed some 96% lean ground beef, some seasoned fries, some whole wheat buns and went to town. Granted, dinner calories were higher than normal. But, it was still better for me than McDonalds, and probably lower in calories anyway. Overall, I still fit right in today, which makes me pretty happy.  I even had dessert- baked some frozen peaches with splenda and spices and topped with a bit of whipped cream. Super good.

As for things that rock- I cut down my mile time by 25 seconds from last time, which is 39 seconds faster than my first mile. And that’s an improvement over the course of  a week. I’m pretty excited. I even ran for about 45 seconds (6mph). It’s not fast by most standards, but considering I normally move at the speed of remote, I consider it pretty amazing. I followed that up with 35 minutes on the elliptical, and got in my weights for the first time. I did 3 sets of 12 reps for each, and my starting lifts are: 30 pounds for row, pec fly and rear delt. 45 for lat pull down and 20 for tricep push down. It’s embarrassing to see how low those numbers are, because I used to lift so much more. But, it’s a starting point, and I know that I finished each rep perfectly.  Total distance- 3.5 miles.  I’m sore. I’m butt tired. And that feels good.

 I’ve been keeping up with the nightly bath ritual. It’s given me a lot of time to reflect on my day and wind down and yadda yadda. Last night I found myself wishing I had some bath toys. Maybe a little rubber ducky, or a little boat. Better yet- maybe some of those markers that you can write on shower walls with. Hmm. Must look into this. I’ll probably have to go incognito when I buy them- being as I don’t have kids, that whole business might make me look creepy, or just really “special”. I could borrow a kid, but that probably puts me right back in the creepy category. Hm. I’ll think it over in my bath, while playing with my imaginary rubber ducky. But don’t tell anyone about that, I don’t want to look creepy, or “special”. 

Today was another good day. Forgot to weigh in again, but, hey, that’s cool. Breakfast was yogurt, snacked on an orange. Had an egg salad sandwich, a teensy bit of pasta salad, and a couple bites of apple cobbler for lunch. Had an apple and a bean and cheese quesadilla for dinner. Had a whole wheat pancake for dessert.

I drove to the gym tonight, all ready to go. Too bad it was closed for the holiday! D’oh! But, I didn’t let that stop me. I went home and did an at home workout while watching a recorded rerun of the biggest loser. I traded off some cardio and some weights or balance exercises for each section of the show. And how did I get the cardio? That’s right. I rolled out the trampoline. And I can still dominate it. Not only that, I found something I like even less than the trampoline. Jump-roping. That is hell. I forgot how much I hated jumping rope- I used to have to do it for quickness training in soccer. Granted, I was 60 pounds lighter then, and didn’t have to worry about my stomach bouncing harder than my boobs. But still. Jumproping sucks. But I did it. And now I’m sore, which actually feels kind of nice.

Now, yesterday brought on an amazing change in my life. It had nothing to do with  my weight, my fitness, or any of that. But, it was the beginning of a life change. Let me back up. When I was in highschool, I lived with my dad and stepmom. Stepmom and I did not get along. To say that we had a bad relationship was an understatement. She would make me cry.  Just because she could. She would call me a bitch in front of my dad, just to see if he would do anything about it. (He never did, which, as you can imagine, strained my relationship with him) She belittled me every chance she got, but then would brag about my successes to her friends (though those successes were never enough when she was talking to me, or complaining about me to my dad.) She threatened to divorce my dad if he helped pay for my car, though she refused to drive me to work if she was home, even though our town didn’t have public transport (we lived in the ritzy neighborhood) and I worked more than 5 miles away. Finally, she threatened to divorce my dad if he helped pay for college (two months before I was supposed to start college, and after my dad had promised to pay for college from the time I popped out of the womb). Though I hate to admit it now, at some points in my life, I actually wished harm upon her. But, slowly, I realized that I could never change her. She would never apologize to me for anything (my dad confessed that in ten years of marriage, she’s never even apologized to him) She would never see anything wrong with anything she had ever said or done to me. The only thing I could change was my own attitude. And so, after I moved out, I worked on it. Little by little, I stopped hating her. Slowly, I could have conversations with her when I visited. Even more slowly, I began to realize that we had similar interests, and she was not, in fact, the anti-Christ. Now, a lot of change happened on her part as well. When we stopped living together, she stopped being so mean, and eventually, her and I developed a mini relationship. No girl talk, no movie dates, but I didn’t feel like knocking her teeth out every time I saw her.

Yesterday, things came to a head. Her and I spent time together, one on one. They had come up to visit, and my dad took the boys (my half-brothers) tubing while she and I drove around Tahoe looking at the cute neighborhoods. It was amazing. We didn’t talk about or do anything deep. But we spent time together, and actually enjoyed it. That’s probably one of the top ten NSVs I’ve had in my entire life so far. Maybe even top three.

But all of it just goes to support one of my strongest beliefs in life…

…. sometimes, the only thing in life that we can change is our attitude toward the unchangeable.

Overall, I feel as if I’m finally pulling a lot of loose edges in life together. I’ve decided to accept what I can, change what I can, and not kill myself doing either. So far, it’s working. And I’m finally enjoying the ride.

No, not me. I am absolutely ecstatic to announce that I am down to 191.5.  That means that I’ve officially crossed into the 5 pound weightloss arena. Woot woot. I’m losing pretty quickly, which is good but somewhat worrisome. I know the age-old adage is that the slower you take it off, the better you keep it off. But I think I’m immune from that for three reasons. 1. My age is still working for me, in that it is realtively easy for me to lose weight, so it will naturlaly come off rather quickly. 2. My new lifestyle supports this weightloss- I’m becoming consistently and enjoyably more active, and my issues with food are slowly disappearing. And, 3. I’m special, rules don’t apply to me. (I don’t really believe that, but I’m pretty sure we all hope it’s true once in awhile)

The last few days have been neither here nor there. I didn’t get in any additional workouts, other than some major housecleaning. Food was good, though I didn’t have anythign truly remarkable or noteworthy. Life was good.

But today brought about something amazing. I snowboarded! Today was my first day back in 5 years, after I hurt my back and was told I should never go again. Now, mind you, I didn’t want to go back. My parents were up for the weekend and suckered me into going with them. This morning I almost backed out. I was so scared of hurting myself. Of falling and never getting up, getting entombed by gigantic snowcats as they regroomed the mountain. I was scared of being so sore I wouldn’t be able to move for a few days. I was terrified of looking stupid, or sitting on my butt all day. But most of all, I was scared of pain, of hurting myself, and what could happen to my back. But I went. And was triumphant! The heavens opened with the sounds of clapping angels, the marching band played, and I was given a medal of valor. Okay, maybe the only part of that that’s true is the marching band, and they weren’t there for me, but still. I made it. I’m alive, I’m okay, and I’m only a little bit sore. Even if I was a lot sore, it would have been worth it. I took one more piece of my life back. I got back one more thing that I had lost when I got the MRI results of exactly how bad my back is. I’m going to continue on in my quest to live fearlessly. Granted, I’m not stupid, or crazy. You’ll never see me in the park taking jumps or riding rails, you’ll never see me flying by at 100 mph, and the only diamonds in my future are in jewelry. (Expert runs are labeled as black diamonds). I’m slow. I plod. I carve back and forth like a beginner, even if I’m not. But, I’m thoroughly enjoying myself, and I’m staying on my feet. And as long as I’m enjoying myself, it’s all good. Granted, my calves have put in their two week notice, and the rest of the muscles in my legs are striking, but I’m proud of myself, and satisfied that I got back on the proverbial horse, looked the proverbial bull in the eye, and kicked some non-proverbial ass. (My own)

I can run a mile, cook a fantastic butternut squash soup, shovel my driveway, snowboard. Currently, there’s nothing I can’t do. And that is a fantastic way to live.  More than a healthy weight, I’m regaining a powerful sense of self that was hiding. I’m finally beginning to live the life that I imagined in my head. Even losing weight doesn’t feel that good.

My food choices today weren’t great, but they were good. I missed breakfast, but had a cheeseburger for lunch with a Gatorade (I wasn’t drinking enough water), some macaroni salad, and a couple M&Ms. For dinner, I had two peices of cheesy garlic bread, a side salad with ranch, a pear margarita, and about 2 cups of chicken alfredo pasta. They weren’t fabulous choices, but I enjoyed them, was still generally aware of how much I was eating, and therefore can’t complain a bit.  Besides, I’m putting thatw hole “food guilt” thing behidn me. Food is great, and as long as I enjoy it (in relative moderation, most of the time) I shouldn;t have anythign but happy emotions to attach to it.

I took my bath this afternoon after snowboarding, and decided I’m going to add some of my newly discovered philosophy to that as well. Instead of just soaking (which I love), I focused on everything that was truly pleasurable about the experience. I relished the way the warm hot water washed over my feet, how it was smooth and warm. I breathed in the smells of my bubblebath- that the mango was  comforting and the citrus was uplifting. I played with the bubbles, pushing them around and feeling how light and airy they were. I smiled and took in the gentle dancing lights of the candles, and how I could get lost in the subtle dance of the flames forever.

I realized that enjoying life and enjoying myself are two separate things that are so intertwined that I can’t do one without the other. And I realized that unless I learned to seek pleasure in my daily life, until I learned to enjoy myself and the life I’m living right now, weightloss would never change that. I need to be happy. And I need to not base that on an arbitrary scale number, or size tag in a pair of jeans. I need to learn to find enjoyment all around me, all the time. I am bound and determined to become a true hedonist, yet in a morally and healthily responsible manner. I want to seek to fill my life with pleasure, no matter how simple. And I pledge to never take any of these pleasures for granted.

 You know what? Today was a good day. And tomorrow will be too. In fact, I’m pretty sure that everyday will be wonderful, as long as I take the time to enjoy it. And from here on out, I plan on doing just that.

Now this has nothing to do with weightloss, but I have to share my misery with you. So 2008 is apparently the year of the meeting. Specifically, the year of the useless meeting. Anyways, I had to be out at a meeting an hour away at 8. So I drag my butt up before the sun and get out there at 7:50, only to find out that the meeting starts at 8:30, which, in useless meeting speak, actually means we’re going to sit around unproductively until it actually starts at 8:45. And boy did it start. We stood up, were instructed to stand next to someone we don’t know, and hold their hand while we all sang “Lean on Me.” No, really. I’m serious. You can’t make this crap up. Yeah, after that I was pretty weirded out, and unfortunately fell victim to the doughnut. D’oh! But seriously… holding hands and singing? That is just too much for me to handle. We were only half a step away from Kumabaya and a drum circle.

Other than the doughnut, food was pretty good. For breakfast, I had the doughnut and a string cheese. Lunch was another quesadilla with Amy’s refried black beans. Which, is, incidentally, fast becoming my favorite lunch. For an afternoon snack, I had a bag of 100 calorie popcorn. Dinner was 3 oz of turkey and 2 baked potatoes. Looking back, definitely need some more fruit and veggies. I mean, seriously, how much more starch can one person eat in one day?

I made it to the gym again today. Tired, sore, but there. I didn’t enjoy running as much as I did yesterday, but I beat my time by 14 seconds. How? No clue. I actually thought I would perish tonight, like DFO (done fall over) and be gone. But I made it. I’m feeling really pretty apathetic about it tonight though. I think it’s because I’m utterly exhausted. Or because pain trumps ecstatic feelings of success every time. Atleast it’s a good pain (whatever that means). I topped it with 25 minutes on the eliptical. Pretty same ole, same ole. But I was there right before closing, and, like I said, I was pretty much writing my last will and testament on the treadmill. I cosndier my survival to be tonight’s success. Total distance tonight: 2.5 miles.  Not too shabby for being flabby.