So, it’s been nearly a year, and here I am again. I wish I could say all sorts of wonderful things- like the magic weightloss fairy visited me in the middle of the night, granted all of my wishes, and I no longer needed a weight loss blog. Or, I’ve done really well over the last umpteen months and I just need to buckle down and lose the last 10. Unfortunately, neither one of them are true (damn weightloss fairy- where are you?!) Instead, it’s been one heck of a year, and I’ve gained weight. Quite a bit actually. And here’s my confessional- last time I checked on the scale it was a full 238- a good 30 pounds or so for the year. Eek. And so, here I am. I’m tired of trying to lose weight, and failing. I’m tired of feeling horrible and angry with myself, and dodging cameras has gotten really old.
I started reading through some of the old posts of my blog, and I was inspired by the person I used to be. Over time, I’ve let this weight drag me down both physically and mentally, and I miss the “take that fat!” attitude I was adopting. I miss holding myself accountable to something- and so here I am. I can’t promise perfection- but I’m looking for progress!
So, what have I been doing for the last year? Well, let’s just say that it has been a doozy. (grab your healthy snacks- this is going to be a long post)
Some of you (if any of you remember- or, heck, if anybody is even out there) will remember that Sean and I were working with a youth group that had, quite frankly, the world’s best kids- even if every single one of them came with piles and piles of baggage. Well, we had known that our church was unhealthy for quite some time. Our pastor was theologically all over the place, and not entirely based in scripture. The church itself was small, trapped in a bygone world, and not held accountable to any governing body. The long and short of it is that we were pushed out by the church secretary and the pastor, he had changed his mind about women in leadership (?), and she wanted someone else to lead the youth group (a previous youth group member who was now 28, admittedly sexually attracted to the female youth group members, and had previously been charged with statutory rape).
So, to say things fell apart is an understatement. Those kids were literally like our kids, I would have adopted every single one of them (all 30+ of them!) and the betrayal we felt by the church we had served so faithfully for so long was just as painful.
A week and a half after our last youth group- I was laid off. I was shocked (I mean, I worked at a hospital!), and leadership packed my stuff up for me and pushed me out the back door without even an opportunity to say goodbye to the people I had worked with for over 2 years.
Luckily, God is pretty flipping good, and I got a job back at my old company starting the Monday after I got laid off. For more money too. Woohoo! Except, it was in the Bay Area, a good 3.5 hours away. So, I moved in with my mom and my stepdad to work during the week, and went home to Tahoe on weekends. It was just supposed to be temporary- Sean and I were trying to move to Sacramento.
Then I went in to have my back looked at for the first time in 3 years. My scoliosis had gotten worse. My thoracic curve went from 38 to 45 (40 is the threshold for surgery) and my lumbar curve had gone from 32 to 38. I also developed a third curve in my neck- 30 degrees. There was an experimental treatment- but it would be time intensive (almost 6 hours a day) for a few months, and taper off. We tried it, and I was able to bring my top curve back down to 40, as well as some good improvement in the other 2 curves. But, it meant commiting to being away from Sean until atleast August (I started in early April) In the meantime, we bid on (and lost) 6 houses in the Sacramento area, and neither one of us could find a job there.
Since then, I’ve lost my last remainging great grandmother, and grandfather. My mother and stepfather divorced (a good thing- something she should have done years and years ago), Lucy (the puppy love of our life) had a cancer scare, and Sean and I have been living apart since the end of March (with all the trials that brings) We’ve since made the decision to move to the Bay Area, and are working on finding a house here (and a job for Sean).
While I certainly don’t consider any of this to be an excuse for why I gained weight- weight loss, or in my case, gain, doesn’t happen in a vaccuum. The last year has been difficult. More so than I ever could have imagined. For most of it, I just kept hoping that it was all coming to an end soon. That I would work on losing weight once Sean and I were living together again. Once my life got “settled”. Once I stopped treatment for my back. Once… well, a whole lot of onces. All of the routines I was used to were gone. I didn’t have a dog that needed walking (she’s at home with Sean) or a driveway that needed shoveling. I was cooking meals for my mom and I instead of primarliy myself. I was living in a house that wasn’t mine, in a job that I knew but was still so different than 4 years ago. I was constantly living with the up and down “maybe we’ll get this house and the whole merry go round will stop!”, the not making plans because we didn’t know where we’d be living, or what if it was moving weekend?!
I’ve had enough. My topsy turvy life is affecting me only because I let it. I can sulk about how everything is different and wah wah, but the truth is I’ve been living with the reality of my daily situation for close to 9 months now- it’s about time that I shut up and adapt. And so, here I am. I’m here because I want to hold myself accountable. I want to stop waiting for my life to start again. And because I’m going to make a conscious effort to change. I am choosing to make the choices that will lead me to the life I want to lead.
Here goes nothing!
Ps- sorry for the novelish post. I promise to hold back on my long winded-ness!