Being fat sucks! So I’m gonna get healthy!

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frozen yogurt, sore throats and five pounds. November 7, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 6:54 pm

That title is awkward and makes little sense. That is why it’s the perfect title to describe the last two days.
The run down…
Two more days without binging or any crazy eating patterns!
Two more days of truthfully documenting what I’m eating.
Two days of being sick. Not horribly sick but just enough to be a pain in the ass. Sore throat, fatigue, headaches, etc.
Work weirdness.
Now able to wear my size 12 jeans from a brand that tends to run small.
Only 3hrs of sleep last night but STILL LOST WEIGHT!

I am sure there is some excuse (water weight, full moon, broken scale, impending armmagedon) but after two days of not binging and keeping within my calorie range (1500-1800 for now) I have lost 5 pounds!

While I haven’t gotten out of control I did make a not so great choice. On Mondays my oldest son, who is 4, has physical therapy. He has difficulty with coordination, low muscle tone and other concerns due to his bio Mother’s drug use while pregnant. I am thankful that his inutero exposure to drugs only resulted in minor developmental concerns and with speech therapy, physical therapy and occupational therapy he should be caught up with his peers before he starts kindergarten next year. Praying that we won’t have to put braces on his legs but knowing it will be okay if we must. He is so intelligent. I know, I know. Every mother thinks that. Yesterday he had a discussion with me about atomic bombs. He remembered seeing a picture of a mushroom cloud at a museum we visited a year ago. Today he counted to 100 by himself. Yet he has trouble with stairs and still can’t do a somersault. It must be frustrating to “know” but not be able to “do”. Anyway, while he is in therapy I have to occupy myself. I went to the market and made a healthy, mummy salad to take home for dinner. Great choice Courtney. Then I had to go by this new frozen yogurt place I have really wanted to go to. I thought about it, consulted my calorie intake, weighed my options and made the choice to get some. I so made a conscious choice that if I started feeling anxious I would leave. If I started feeling anxious or guilty after I bought some I would throw it away rather than feel obligated to finish it. All the nutritional information is posted and it is self serve so I was able to make an informed choice rather than freak out. Did I pick out the absolute healthiest choice? No. Did I choose something that would derail my progress (physical or emotional). No. I made the choice, enjoyed it and moved on. Done and over with. Not dwelling on it. Well, I started to dwell on it once I got home. I had a little talk with myself – not out loud of course! It went something like this: “why did you do that? It’s going to ruin everything and you just started…” “Courtney! Get over it! It was just some f*@cking yogurt! It’a not lime you stuffed yourself at a buffet!” So I opted to prove it to myself and hopped on the scale to get the facts. You can’t argue with the scale. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried. I was actually prepared for it to be up a few pounds, especially after my stellar weigh-in this morning. Shocker!! It actually showed me being another 1/2 lb down! What?! I’ll take it. It proved to me that one cup of friggin’ frozen yogurt isn’t going to kill me, especially since I planned around it calorically. Is calorically a word? It is now.

So, three days no binging. Two days of some crappy, annoying cold. Five pounds lighter! Good progress so far!

 

Whoop whoop! Success!! Day one November 5, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 6:14 pm

I am celebrating! Today I had three big accomplishments: 1-stayed within my calorie range 2-NO binging or overeating 3-did a great workout
Now that I think about it I had more accomplishments 4-truthfully documented my food intake. Even “bad” foods and figured them into my calorie allotment for today rather than saying screw it or pretend it didn’t happen 5-I went grocery shopping and didn’t buy myself junk food to eat on the way home and dispose of the trash before I got home. I did instinctively look at the candy on the way out but I stopped myself and looked at the calories. It wasn’t worth it to me today.
Hurray me!!!
I am going to stick with my eating and workout plan with my focus being on getting ready for Warrior Dash. I am weighing in every day but trying not to dwell on that number. It is what it is and I need to face it BUT I also need to not get neurotic about it. So far so good. I’m trying to stay really practical and objective about this process right now. I have to acknowledge what I’m feeling but get over it. if I’m not willing to deal with those emotions, thoughts, frustrations, whatever I won’t be able to deal with the FACTS about my health and body. My being overweight (who am I kidding? Obese!) and unhealthy won’t change unless my behaviors change. I’m working on it and hoping for continued motivation and a breakthrough that will include some physical evidence of the internal changes I am feeling.

 

warrior training November 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 7:39 pm

Today was pretty rough food wise. Not gonna dwell on it. It’s over. Moving on…

Yesterday I indicated that I have a big fitness goal. It’s pretty far off but I think it will keep me motivated. I am doing Warrior Dash next year. It’s a 5k. With obstacles. Like jump over a car, burning coals, mud pit with barbed wire type obstacles. My husband and a group of our friends are doing it too. I have no thoughts of winning but I REFUSE to be the worst. It will kick my ass but it will require me to kick my own ass between now and then! Right now I am focusing on running for longer periods of time and doing some strength training. I really want to be under 200lbs before then but I really think I HAVE to in order to complete it. I have went to their site (warriordash.com) and have seen plenty of people who appear to be more out of shape than I am doing it but I really want to be proud of this accomplishment. It is going to be a big deal. Also, usually I keep my weight loss or eating changes almost secret and don’t discuss it with anyone except my husband. We have been telling everyone about Warrior Dash so there is absolutely no hiding from this goal! I’ve gotta do it!
Tomorrow is a fresh start and my goal is to have no binges. I will accomplish it.

 

it’s been a while….gotta suck it up! November 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 6:10 pm

So it’s been a while. I suck at this whole blogging thing. I also suck at this whole weight loss thing! I have been pretty sick, had a lot of tests and gotten some answers. A lot of my health stuff has impacted my weight but I can’t use it as an excuse because my weight ia just another excuse and I have to do my best to control it. Tomorrow I am back on the wagon. Today wasn’t horrible but I also didn’t keep track very well. I have food goals and a big workout goal. I bought some awesome running shoes and will be putting them to use! I don’t have time to lay it all out tonight but I figure if I touch base here now I will have to update it soon. Right?

 

my body hates me August 4, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 5:19 am

I swear my body hates me! I am going to have a brief pity party here so if you don’t wanna hear it you might want to skip down a few lines! 🙂 As soon as I really felt I was on the ball and had my crap together diet wise I get sick. Not “I’ve got the sniffles and I’m going to use that as an excuse” sick but hospital sick. Bed rest sick. I see my Dr today and will hopefully be released today. I have enjoyed the extra sleep and not working for a few days but I am over it now. Ready to feel better and get this chub worked off!
Anyways, I am back on track diet wise today. I have not been off the wagon all the way just not able to stay low carb with my options while in hospital and being unable to eat at all some days. I am actually going to do Atkins induction starting today. I am really motivated by the numbers on the scale. A few pounds down and I amp up the exercise. A few more down and I get going even more.
Fingers crossed for good news at the doctor’s office today! And for a pound or two this week!

 

eff you m&ms! eff you! July 25, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 7:57 pm

Yep. Blaming the m&ms. That’s healthy right? I had so much time alone in the car today driving to and from appointments. I had to go to Walmart. I didn’t need to pace up and down the ice cream aisle for what seemed like an hour trying to convince myself to get some, not get some, get some. I settled on no ice cream but I allowed my binge mentality to get the beat of me in the end. I grabbed a bag of pretzels m&ms. Nope. Not the normal individual sized bags near the checkout. The “medium” size from the candy aisle. I ate most of the bag hurriedly in my car, alone in the 10min drive to drop off a movie. Where did I need to go o drop off a movie, you ask? A frickin Burger King! Here’s the thing…if you asked me if I even like BK the answer would be no. Today, though, while I was in crazy eating mode I opted to get a bacon and cheese whopper and large fries!!!!! Gross! It didn’t taste good. I ate all the burger but less than half of the fries. Then I finished the candy. My belly is still overly stuffed. I ate some salad for dinner. Not because I felt hunger but I needed the veggies and I didn’t want to skip dinner which might allow me to rationalize a bad food choice later in the evening.
I am motivated to change but some part of me really feels like it’s safer, in a wierd way, to keep doing what I’ve always done. I need to deal with the emotional stuff behind my eating. It’s so wierd being a therapist battling this. I KNOW the answers. I KNOW what I should do. But I don’t. Or I can’t. Or some combo of can’t and don’t. I will, though. I have to make some changes. My whole secretive eating is impacting my job search. I am looking into changing jobs for multiple reasons. One major reason is the amount of time I am spending driving all over creation. This equals a lot of down time, in the car, alone with strange gaps between appointments. Since I am in rural middle America it’s not like there are place to spend those gaps in a healthy (or at least not potentially unhealthy) manner. No parks, museums, book stores, etc to stop at. Fields, fast food, gas station, fields, Walmart, fields. Except for the fields, all of those place are places I grab junk without thinking or fight with myself in the store about that junk. One of my goals for the new job is less car time. Not solely because of food issues but partially because of food issues. If I was in a building with actual human beings all day I would have less opportunity to binge. I can tell my friends, family and coworkers “no thanks” to cake and “bad” foods at parties. I just can’t tell that little part of me to shut up when its nagging me to buy that junk!
I know this has just turned into a long, blabbering post and I apologize for that.
I sort of need to create a simulated environment where others will always know what I’m eating. Before junk goes into my body I can remember that I will HAVE to report it here. Not to guilt myself but to remind me of my goals, challenges and barriers so that I can make the moat informed choice rather than blindly grabbing and eating.
Okay. Rant done for today. Off to bed and a new day!

 

hmm…uh…thanks! i guess?! and 6 month showdown! July 24, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 4:38 pm

My husband is super sweet. He is very supportive of me in all areas. Today his desire to be helpful and allow me a break from normal Mommy duties back fired a bit. I came home from running some errands (sans kids) to him making dinner. He made something I like and is special to him because it is something his dad used to make before he passed away. It was fried fish (he caught it too), macaroni and cheese and fried potatoes. He had already made me a plate and was so proud of himself. I sighed heavily as I stared at the plate. He could tell something was up, asked me what was wrong, I reminded him about my eating plan and he felt bad. He offered to make me something else. I told him it was okay. I ate a small plate. I know that I could’ve just say no thanks. I didn’t. Oh well. Today’s carby, fatty, fried indiscretion isn’t gonna wreck my process or, for that manner, my day. I made good choices too and I feel like hurting my hubs feelings would’ve made me feel worse than a couple oz of fries foods ever could.
6 month show down- tomorrow is 6 month until Christmas. I am challenging myself to get to onederland by then so Santa can bring me some new clothes!
One of these days I will be able to post a day of only successes. One of these days…

 

stupid reproductive system! July 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 3:57 pm

Eh. So the test was (as expected) negative. Although I didn’t allow myself to get my hopes up it’s still disheartening to see in black and white…well, really, pink and white. On the bright side, that gives me the green light to start back on the bcp to get hormones in check which should help my get healthy efforts.
As for eating…
I followed my plan for breakfast, had to augment a bit for lunch but stayed within parameters, then had a small slipup while running errands but made an awesome choice at dinner. The family wanted pizza. It is family movie night. I picked them up pizza from my favorite place and their yummy cheesy breadsticks. I went to the grocery store with a salad bar and made a veggie and protein packed salad and was able to avoid the pizza and breadsticks! Go me! I did eat a candy bar while running errands. I should’ve packed a healthy snack. On the bright side, it was a normal sized candy bar. I normally would’ve had a family sized bag of candy when i binged. So while I went over my carb goal I stayed within my calorie goal.
Now that the little ones are in bed it is time for at home date night. Not as exciting as it sounds…silly comedies that aren’t kid friendly and probably falling asleep before 11 while cuddling on the couch!
Tomorrow will be even better!

 

well, that all went to hell… July 22, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 7:53 pm

So I had my food all mapped out for yesterday. I had all my medicine ready. I had 64oz of water packed up for my busy work day going from place to place. I ate my 1 cup of cereal and yogurt then left for work. The best laid plans…
I got nauseous. I had to stop the car multi times. I found a cup and had it ready when driving. About 1 minute before I was at my client’s house (a house where I was going to work with the foster family, do some assessments, meet with a kid for therapy, etc) I had to pull into the park and get sick. There is much more of a story with that but public puking with an audience is never fun! Anyways, I never vomited again but the nausea remained so I ended up with nothing for lunch, some crackers (ahhhh! The carbs!), and sugar free jello were all I could stomach in the evening. Today I was nauseous all morning so skipped breakfast, at a chicken sandwich (grilled with bacon, cheese and some wierd spicy sauce) and a few fries at lunch, and had a chicken sandwich (a little different than the lunch one!) for dinner! Errrrgh! I was able to not eat all of either meal. A week or two ago I would’ve eaten all my lunch, binged on candy or some junk and then eaten all my dinner so yeah for small victories! I’m gonna try to focus on the positive and move forward. I’m sure today was my body trying to get some of the stuff I missed out on yesterday. I am also a crazy mess of conflicting emotions. I have pcos and some other related medical conditions. My husband has a mass and it was determined years ago that we probably would never conceive. Fast forward to now. We have adopted our two wonderful, handsome, fun, hilarious, perfect sons through foster care. We have been contemplating if we want to adopt a daughter and, if we do, when and how. With my pcos I am accustomed to irregular cycles and whatnot. There have been times in the past when my Dr want me to take a pregnancy test mostly to rule it out before starting a medication or having a procedure done…better safe than sorry, right? Some times that test was super hard to do…so much hope wrapped up in that test and the wait for results. Other times it seemed like an irritation…I KNEW I wasn’t so it was a waste in my mind. Now I am conflicted. I would LOVE for it to be positive. I have enough symptoms that a person without my medical history would probably have taken a test weeks ago. I, on the other hand attribute missed periods, nausea, breast tenderness, and all that fun stuff to my hormones being jacked up, not to pregnancy. I have always had that feeling that, despite what I know about the medical likelihood, I will get pregnant someday. Usually I just chalk that up to me not having fully grieved our infertility. Sometimes I allow myself to believe that I have some special way of intrinsically knowing that it is the truth. This is the first such test since our adoption was finalized. I have heard enough “now you’ll get pregnant” to make me wanna barf. Maybe that’s actually it! But I know that my hormones have been more regulated over the past few months than ever before so if I am ever gonna be pregnant it might be now. So I guess we will see tomorrow. It’s already out of my hands.
Here’s to a night of restful sleep and a tomorrow of healthy choices! Oh, and results!

 

And here we go… July 20, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — nest @ 4:52 pm

I’m new to this whole blogging thing so bear with me…

So I’m fat. I’ve never really said that before. I’ve called myself “chubby” or “over weight”. I’ve looked at the chart, lined up my height and weight and read the word “obese” but I always rationalize my way out of it.”Yeah, but I’m really muscular.” Well, okay I AM really muscular but that wad of fat sitting between my boobs and waist isn’t made of muscle!
I’ve lost weight before. Then I let life get in the way. I have to acknowledge that I have medical problems that make it difficult for me to lose weight and predispose me to being overweight. That sucks. But…newsflash…those conditions aren’t going away. I have to learn to manage my weight despite, no, because of those challenges.
I’m going to use this blog for me. I will post calorie/carb totals, weights, pictures, etc. This will all be to keep myself accountable. Hopefully the possibility that someone else will read this will be motivation to stay on track. Every little bit helps!
Today my weight is 230. I am 5’10.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings…