Shut the FRONT door!

THE WEDDING RING

When I was Seven, my sister and I interrupted my Mom while she was trying to use the bathroom. We were arguing (which we were great at by the way), and this argument could not wait (most of them couldn’t). The door burst open, and we insisted on knowing…..

WHO GET’S WHICH WEDDING RING WHEN YOU DIE?!?!

Ok, I promise. I’m not rude. Where this came from, I have no idea. My sister is not rude. We didn’t want her to die…. But, it does sound horrible…. I know. I’ve apologized for the way it came out several times. I don’t think it was meant to come out the way it did, but I can’t edit the story…. it’s the truth.

Back to the ring(s)…… 

She had two; one that my Dad gave my Mom when they got engaged (when love was innocent; my Dad was going into the Navy, my Mom thought this was what love was all about, and they had their whole life ahead of them). The other was the one that my parents got in Hawaii and it had her name written in Hawaiian on it.  

Moving on…. so my poor Mom, sitting on the toilet and being attacked by her two little girls arguing about which wedding ring they are going to get then asks us….. “Ok? Well, which one do you want Denise”? And I say….. “I want the silver one” (I didn’t know white gold from silver) and she then asks my sister which ring she wants. Can you guess? She wants the gold ring. Wow. And we were arguing; are you getting this? So, she says…. “Alright. Then it’s settled. Denise get’s the silver, and Shelly, you get the gold. Resolved? Now can I finish”?

So, as you all must be thinking now if I have the ring…. she must be gone. Thankfully no. The life with Dad is dead, but she is completely and totally alive and with us…..

When I got engaged to my husband, my Mom gave me the ring. That ring means the world to me. As I said earlier, it symbolized what life was like in the beginning. And it’s my connection to my Mom (and to my Dad) even if they aren’t together.

But, I got too big to wear that ring. And I lost that freedom when I became obese. I lost that connection. When I started my list of things I wanted back; my freedoms…. it was the first thing on my list. I talk about priorities in weight loss in my first blog and this was a priority for me. I wanted my ring back. So, when someone offered me a piece of cake, or if I was feeling weak… I would look at my list and think to myself…. Do I want a piece of cake? Or do I want to wear my wedding ring again.

My choice was clear.

My ring is now falling off and I need to get it resized. I knew the day I started my freedom list, my life had changed.

When values are clear, decisions are easy.

I will continue to add my freedoms to my blog. They are my a roadmap to my success.

I wish that success to you… because you are worth it. Because I hope you LIVE every day of your life.

Sending much love.

Filed under: General on July 14th, 2008 | No Comments »

It only happens every once in awhile but when it does…. oh man…. hold on! I have these crazy food dreams! They could be quite yummy, if I could get past the obsessive food addiction part and just enjoy a bite.I’ve had dreams of eating ice cream, peanut butter, cookies, and my favorite…. nutty bars. In my dreams, I start off innocently enough (as I used to) with just a little taste. I can feel it, smell it and taste it. The next thing I know I have devoured the whole carton, jar, or box. Then, all I can think about (in my dream) is how bad I feel. The guilt sets in. How could I have done that after all the great work I’ve done? Why? Was it worth it? Couldn’t I have stopped at just one bite? And if not, why? Geez….. It becomes a dreaming anxiety attack! I’m analyzing my every step up to, during and after my slip. I awake like this…. I open my eyes and start immediately thinking about how I could have done something like that. Again, repeating the same analysis as above. Then I realize!!!! Wait? Did I just really eat all of….? Yes? NO!!!!! NO, I didn’t! It was a dream… right? I look around…. check my surroundings. Ok, I’m in my room. Let’s think this through…. Oh my gosh! It was a dream! WHOA! It was a dream!!!! If only I can enjoy just that first bite and walk away. I’m working on that! If I can master this dream food thing, I may have this all figured out! And I’ll be able to have my off plan enjoyment calorie free and literally…. in my dreams!!!! Wish me luck.  

Filed under: General on July 5th, 2008 | No Comments »

So, the old me wouldn’t eat during the day usually. I would definitely not eat breakfast. I would usually skip lunch and by the time I got home, I was so hungry. A quick hello to the kid and the husband as I headed directly to the kitchen cabinet was my daily ritual. Whatever was there, was mine. I would be halfway through whatever I was eating before I even bothered to take a breath, let alone really taste it. And it was never good choices. Potato Chips, candy bars, ice cream…. snack food. Oh, and even if it was a good healthy choice, like hmmmm let’s say…. celery? How about a stalk of celery and a 1/2 jar of peanut butter? Healthy just got thrown out the window! After the snacking, would then come the unhealthy dinner. Burgers, french fries…. and condiments. I loved my condiments too! So, french fries with ranch! Burgers with extra mayo! That was my idea of a good time. Thinking back, I never tasted any of it. I just ate to eat. I’m even sure that some of it was good, possibly great. But I wouldn’t know.

Things have changed. Food is no longer a “filler” but it is “fuel” and I enjoy it.

I eat three meals a day. I eat healthy, good for my body and soul food. When I eat, I enjoy every bite. I eat less food because I need less. I eat slow because I am appreciating my food. What I’ve noticed is when I eat healthy, my body rewards me. It is less tired, I no longer get migraines, and (for the most part) have a positive attitude (have to check with the husband on this one). I don’t crave the bad food, because I’m providing my body the nutrients it needs. When I have an on plan treat, I savor it. I actually do! I use my son’s small spoon, and I take small bites. It’s my special treat and I thoroughly enjoy it.

The next time you see a kid enjoying an ice cream, watch and learn. That is what I strive for. That look. If it isn’t there to fuel my body or for absolute and total delight; it’s not for me.

Filed under: General on July 3rd, 2008 | No Comments »

If you haven’t read the book, “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” by Linda Spangle you must. It puts it all out there in black and white. Life. It makes sense and doesn’t sugar coat it. The way I love to hear things. So, when I started my life changing at MRC this book was coming up in classes, and conversation often enough that I felt I needed to read it. When I opened it up this was the first chapter…. Emotional Eating. I thought… “Nope…. not me, might just skip it”. “I don’t get mad, or sad, or discouraged, or depressed, only to find myself at the fridge…. But, what the heck. Let’s give it a quick once over….” Boy, was it an eye opener.

She defines emotional eating as “using food for emotional or phychological reasons instead of for satisfying the body’s physical requirement for food”. Hmmm. I read on.

Here’s what I started to understand. It didn’t have to be obvious. I wasn’t “hunting” down food. She talked about M&M’s… and Girl Scout Cookies…. how you start with just a couple, and next thing you know you’ve lost track of how many you’ve eaten or in my case, the cookies and M&M’s disappeared (and no, there were no magicians in my home). I looked down the page, and suddenly my picture appeared, with arrows and blinking signs “emotional eater” all pointing directly at me! It was frightening how she was talking not to me anymore, but about me. Then she continues; there are the celebrations. You have a birthday…. have a cake! You get a promotion…. well then, dinner and drinks! You meet up with a long lost friend…. dinner, dessert, and drinks! Hmmmm…. this is looking a little too familiar. Oh gosh, what happens when you lose 10 lbs? Dinner, Dessert, Drinks…… then back to the beginning? How does one celebrate without food? It’s been in our lives for so long. It’s how we show we love each other, right? I love you, eat a cookie. I adore you, I made you a steak. I’m proud of you, here’s some ice cream. And sometimes, I would just find myself munching away for no reason; just because. Then, the box, or bag, or bowl would be empty. It was not serving me physically. I never realized that this was emotional eating. I just thought it was “bored” eating! “Just because” eating! But! It was serving a purpose, just not the purpose that food is meant to serve. And so, that companionship had to be evaluated.

 Linda Spangle, at the end of that very first chapter has a wonderful poem.

Food is wonderful! In fact, food in my best friend. But lately, I’m aware that my friend is hurting me. Making me uncomfortable. Sabotaging my goals. Causing me Grief and Guilt. Possibly destroying my life. Today I made the decision - it’s time to get a new friend.

Linda Spangle

I understood completely what she meant, and it’s not about comforting yourself with food as she says. It’s about allowing the emotions to come in and embrace them. It’s to feel, and be felt. It’s to love and celebrate and embrace it all. I have found wonderful new ways to celebrate success, show love, be creative when bored, and cry when I need to cry. I experience life as it comes. It’s exciting, and sometimes scary, but always geniune. It’s me.  

Filed under: General on July 3rd, 2008 | 4 Comments »

Where else should one start? The beginning sounds best. But which beginning? The beginning of my journey into weight gain? Or weight loss? I think it best to begin with my journey of self discovery. The beginning of journey into discovering the most amazing person I’ve ever met…. myself.

I was done. Over it all. I was morbidly obese and that’s just the way it was. I needed to accept my role in this world and embrace it. This was me. All of me. Love it and leave it. Unfortunately, the person who couldn’t accept it was me. How was I going to look in the mirror everyday, and see the real me trapped inside and not do everything humanly possibly to save her. But for a year, that’s what I did. I laid on the couch, cried in my pillow, made excuses to not meet up with friends, refused to be out in public more than necessary, repeatedly asked my husband how he could be with someone that looked like me, and apologized to my son for not being the Mom that rode bikes, and played outside with him. I felt weak, depressed, anxious, lonely, and powerless. This was not the person I used to know. I didn’t recognize her. She was not me.

Then, one day it happened. I decided enough was enough. I was taking my life back. This was not the life I was meant to lead. This was not my destiny. I was not living my authentic life, or being my authentic self.  I had allowed those feelings to have power over me, but no longer. I felt empowered to take my life back. Above all else, I wanted to reclaim the person inside the body. I wanted her to know that she was loved, and cared for, and I would never abuse her again. There was a quote I heard recently, and I carry it with me…. it says “I took a vow of non violence and that includes my body”. It means so much to me. That day my world opened up and I began my journey.

I started a list of things I wanted back. Things that I couldn’t have from being the weight I was. My first entry….. 

My wedding ring. 

I hadn’t been able to wear it for years. It was the ring my Dad gave my Mom when they got married and my husband added a platinum band in the middle. I had been wearing a band, but it wasn’t my ring. I wanted my ring back and I was taking it! 

I signed up at a wonderful center called MRC (Metabolic Research Center). For me, it was exactly what I needed; counseling, classes, food instruction, weigh ins, and so much more. I am a good student. I am able to have someone tell me what to eat, how much to eat, and I will follow that instruction exactly….. My issue was the heart issues, and the mind issues. I needed to understand why I do what I do and what I can do to change my perception about food to not continue down that destructive path. I love my center. I love my people at my center. They are MY people. They are committed to my success, as much as I am committed to my success. It’s more than a number to them. I’m more than a number to them.

I began MRC on October 27th. Before Halloween. Before Halloween candy! What a great place to start! Halloween, which by the way, is my FAVORITE holiday…. went off without a hitch. I was on plan, and kicking butt. Several Holidays, and events followed….. There was Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, and Father’s Day. The most powerful and emotional issue that occurred was that my Father in Law was diagnosed and passed away from Lung Cancer. He suffered greatly, and we miss him very much. All of these things, (every one of them) could have been an excuse to have eaten off plan, but I had a choice and my choice was clear. “I took a vow of of non violence, and that includes my body”. I also had my list…. Let’s not forget the “list”. I had now named it my “freedom list”. It was all of the wonderful things I would get back (my freedoms) as I lost weight. So, when someone would say “Would you like a piece of cake”? I would think of my list….. Here’s how it went….

Cake? or Riding a bike with my son?

That decision was so easy to make….. It was almost ridiculous to even think about. Cake or my son? There was no thought needed.

I’ve gone through every emotion there is. It seems like at different weights, I’ve been at different levels of self discovery. There were steps I needed to take, and powerful steps indeed. Sometimes the emotions would just pop up and overwhelm me…. Other times, they would gently flow in and out and allow me to observe. In the beginning, I needed to know so deperately why? What shaped my behaviors as a child? What created my control issues with food? When did my self image change? Was it my parents? Was it society? Was it my peers? Could it be all in my head? At points, I would be angry that I could let myself get to this point. How could anyone get so out of control? Me! I don’t fail! I succeed at everything! I found myself let down (and mad, and discouraged) when I discovered that I was going back to my old habits of skipping meals. This was something I did twice, and I just thought I had it all figured out. Then, it hit me that I wasn’t as perfect as I thought I was. WHAT? I thought I had this whole body, mind and spirit thing all worked out. Then! For about a week, I would skip breakfast or lunch…. or both. It was my old ways, without the bad food choices (at least), but it was slowing creeping back in. And it caught me off guard and put me in a tail spin. I, the perfectionist, realized I do not have my mind figured out quite yet. I am a work in progress and will always be. But isn’t that the most amazing part of being a human being? We are always learning, and growing. Thank the universe for that. So…. back to basics. I needed to go back to square one and remember that I’m learning. That’s what I did and I got back on track.

As of today, I have lost 111 lbs on plan and look forward to living. My freedom list is still growing day by day and I will share it with you as my blog grows. I have a bike, and ride with my son. My wedding ring is now almost falling off and will need to be resized. I have met the most incredible person and she is love and loved and amazing…. and she is…. me.

Filed under: General on June 25th, 2008 | 1 Comment »