I’ve lost 5 more pounds which brings me to a grand total of ~20 pounds lost. That’s a lot but I’ve still got a ways to go. Thankfully, it doesn’t bother me too much. Because I only work out here and there, it feels like I’m just waiting for my bathtub to drain or my food to cool down, something mundane that simply takes time.

I had my last class Thursday and since then, things have gone downhill for me emotionally. Quite simply, I feel alone. I broke up with my ex in June of 2011 and we’ve tried to reconcile a number of times but it’s just not happening. We haven’t been physically in the same place for well over a year so even when we were still “together” it could be painful. So I haven’t actually had a stable companion for a year and a half or more. No one to hug, to fall asleep beside, wake up next to, kiss, walk with…I’ve been alone every step of the way.

I’ve tried to find someone new but have failed at every turn. Several of the men who have approached me thus far have been controlling to a rather extreme extent given how little time we spent together. One was giving me lectures and bossing me around within two weeks. Another is currently trying to push me into moving back home and is acting like we’ve already been dating for years (“Well I’m not moving to New York!” Who the hell asked him to?!). I don’t know why I attract this kind of male, I really don’t.

I found one guy that I really liked back in July/August. He’s since gone back to his ex so I’ve known him for 6 months now and have nothing to show for it except heartache. I found a second that I’d be interested in getting to know but he doesn’t seem to be interested in more than friendship based on what I’ve seen so far. Even just talking to him online and listening to him communicate with another girl with ease was enough to sting. I can talk through text just fine, I was even able to introduce myself in person, but I become so quiet when other people are around, even on voice chat programs, so I said I’d be back around later and logged off to be on my own. =(

I asked to see him before I go home and he said we’d work something out but I’m not holding my breath. He hasn’t brought it up again so I’m not going to say anything. I think I’ll just finish things up here Tuesday and either drag my sorry butt back home Wednesday or Thursday without bothering to say anything. I wish I could just focus on myself, I wish I could lose myself in my books, in music, in video games, in working out, and just forget that I’ll be going to bed alone…again…and waking up the same way. I keep thinking…if I lost weight I’d actually have a choice. For the first time in almost 5 years, I’d have a choice of who I want to see again… I know that probably sounds bad but when I was thin, I actually had options and I wasn’t hurting for companionship like I am now. I just don’t think I’m good enough as I am.