~Fabulous to Fit~

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Wow April 26, 2013

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 4:33 pm

I sit here and just can’t believe I let it get as bad as it has. . Wow. I honestly am too afraid to go and get on that scale… All of you can see that obviously I haven’t been on in years….. but so much has happened.. I went through a divorce, an abusive relationship to now where I am finally happy and just living my life the best I can and I am happy! except my weight…I knew in the back of my head that it was there and that I wasn’t doing anything to better it but the little voice in my head just kept pushing it back saying “deal with it later” . . . . I mean my fat pants don’t fix… sitting in a booth is becoming challenging… those are things my chunky self didn’t even have when I was “fat” … so that scares me…… I think I let that fear get it to where it is right now.. I’m too afraid to face it. but it’s just everywhere I go now and i’m so unhappy.. it kind of brings me to tears right now thinking about it .. uggg So let me just kind of back up here.. I used to do my diet so well.. at least it was working. I got to 187 .. under 200!!! then I went through a divorce with my husband.. it was so hard.. and I ended up starting a with relationship with someone I already knew for awhile and then just … like many other people.. got confortable and gained it all back.. since then I went through a very abusive traumatic event involving him and my self esteem plumbited.. and now i’m here.I remember how good it felt being in shape. how happy I felt losing all the weight and knowing that I did it with hard work and dedication and now I have nothing to say for that. I’m too afraid to even weigh myself and that’s just not ok with .. My depression got so bad that I actually am on medication and that sucks so bad. I just don ‘t feel like myself and just the way my “fat clothes” don’t fit just makes my heart drop and I’m afraid to go weigh myself…I need to know the damage…ugg ok i’ll go look..i need to know lol wow 259I feel sick……. how could I do this to myself…. my heart is racing and I need to process this :(

 

Why am I wasting my time? January 5, 2011

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 7:27 am

soooo.. I weighed in this morning and I hope that I’m just seeing stuff…. the scale said 229 .. how did I let that happen…. I did so good ALL week… Than.. I know exactly what happened. I had a four day weekend. I messed up once and just figured since I already messed up why keep going. I messed up … big time. Saturday hit and the next thing I know I had burger King, pizza, doughnuts. you name it. . .
I am so mad at myself. but can’t let it destroy me
So I asked my sister if she had some work out videos I could use since I cancelled my gym member ship and she said she found some so I am going to try to meet up with her today to get those. I’m excited because I can do it at home. no more excuses. and I think it will just give me that extra boost and motivation to just keep going.
Also I packed some leftovers from last nights dinner for lunch at work today …
Breakfast
1 chocolate doughnut… - I know I know
Lunch
Brown Rice with chicken Breast and asparagus— sooo good
Dinner
2 eggs with mushrooms

I love all the foods that I make. I used to just get stuff knowing that I hated the taste of it but hey it was healthy. I realized that I can’t do that anymore and I know if that happens I just wont eat it period.. .

So here goes another week. I just need to stop making up excuses and reasons and buying fast food and just be done with it. I’ve done it before I just can’t think of why I can’t just stop. It’s very very annoying. Also I have been thinking about getting Ali. I know that weight loss pills aren’t magic, this and that but I just want an aid… I have taken it before and I want to do it again to see if it can even slightly help me. the price went way down from what it used to be so I’m hoping to get it soon .. but I just .. I gotta commit to this. I gotta do this debra. YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Why do I do this to myself. October 25, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 6:45 am

So needless to say I’m starting over again… so ….. no need to dwell on the past. we all know how this cycle goes so I wont go there..

But ok so me and my boyfriend and a few friends went to a haunted house over the weekend, it started off GREAT … so were all a little spooked having a good time just while waiting in line even. so before everything starts they have this booth to take pictures. you really don’t even get a choice you kind of have too and than at the end of the thing they show it to you and see if you want to buy them. . . . Well…. needless to say.. my picture was awful.. . I get teary eyed just talking about it. . . My gut was haning out. My chin was double layered. my shirt didn’t even go all the way over my stomach which made it all look gross. I was soooooo discusted. . It literally made me cry and I just couldn’t even look. My boyfriend joey kept saying lets buy it let’s get it and I was soooo not having that. I refused. I hate it. I had such a good time and than I saw that. . It was a real real real wake up call. I have never in my life felt so discusted with myself. .

Also , obviously this was on my mind all weekend, I kept thinking about my kids, what example am I setting because i’m lazy and can’t make a good healthy dinner for my kids?

I am so upset at myself. I wish I could rewind and do how well I was doing before. :( . . I felt so good about myself, I had energy, I just felt GOOD. I feel awful, my clothes aren’t fitting anymore, my gut is getting better, my chin is getting bigger… this is enough, i’m tired of it!!!

I’m changing it … I am and will, my kids need me around and if I continue this way than I … well we all know but I’m stopping it now…

My scale is in storage. I’m getting it today. I will post weight tomorrow.. bring it on.. let’s go.

Well just to add to this I’m just thinking about my whole gym time and how to fit that in to all this, I live in UTAH and so it’s freezing in the winter time and I’m trying to think what kind of stuff to do in the winter when gym time doesn’t sound appealing..

What do you guys do? any suggestions, tips, etc.

 

What’s my deal August 18, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 7:24 am

I’m trying to figure out why I don’t have the motivation. .

I know what I want and I know what I have to do but I just can’t do it and I’m always finding reasons not too. . I USED to do this stuff all the time. I had it down pat!! I lost 25 lbs doing it and I was just on a roll why is this so hard for me? I think it’s because my schedule has been totally totally messed up. Not only with my husband not being around that affects my children and the schedule at the gym. Being a single mom of two when I get off work I don’t want to take my kids to a day care and not see them for another hour and a half and also I don’t want to drive all the way out there and it’s just I dunno.!!! I do everything a lone and by myselff with my kids I feel like this is another chore. I don’t WANT to do it. I know I NEED to and i HAVE to if I want to achieve my goals .. But where is the medium????

With that said I think I’m going to try another approach. If I can’t make my ass go to the gym then I will bring the gym to my ass lol.. pardon my language… even if it’s taking the girls on a walk or to the park or just going out side and doing something and going to the gym every now and then slowly so I don’t feel the pressure and feel like I must go or else I’m a fat cow… I dunno if that makes sense to anyone else but boy that felt good to get it out. . . . It felt good to just say it… like I know I’m doing this and this wrong and this is why. I can’t lie this is really why and I hate it too. So that feels good.. I guess lol..

So I decided I’m only going to weigh myself once a week. I used to weigh myself every other day and that just killed me and played mind games on me.

Well anyways. This morning I have a diet coke with a 90 calorie breakfast bar. So we’re off to a good start. Then later on I think I’m going to have ramen noodles for lunch … go get the girls go for a walk and have some white rice for dinner. Here I go AGAIN

 

I didn’t fall off the wagon, I lost it entirely August 10, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 8:13 am

Well well well here I am again lol.

As the title of this blog states I didn’t fall of the wagon, I lost it entirely. But I am now on my quest again. I was doing so well and I just gave up. My life became very hectic, My children, my marriage, etc tons of things kept me from continuing my battle and I gave up. Admitably so now I will move on now that I have admited my fault. I realize where it took me and now what matters is here I am and ready to go.

So I am sooooo terrified of weighing in I have not done it yet. . I was re-reading my blog since it’s been so long and it really made me sad. I remember that day that I weighed in at 193 and how happy I felt. . I miss that and it really made me feel like I was accomplishing something and I did so amazingly good and where would I be if I would have just kept going!!!!! grrrr..

Anyways My husband is in jail right now so him making me dinner and always stuffing me is not an option anymore and that feels good lol. I miss him terribly and counting the days that he is out but it’s good that I can decided what my kids eat and what I eat.. I control it ALL.. So I think this will really help me in the long run.

I moved in with my long friend Heidi and her boyfriend Cory. It’s really nice and relaxing there. There is always something to do or be done so I think that where my life is at right now is perfect for the diet and lifestyle that i’m ready to do NOW. Heidi might even be interested to do it with me eventually but I know how it is and wont pressure anyone to do it. When and if she is ready she will let me know and maybe we can do it together. . . I am also excited because the house is right by the gym that I LOVE because it’s the one gym that is not totally packed all the time and it’s just mellow. and RIGHT down the street. It will be nice to get out there and do this again and use the day care there to have some me time. . awwww me time.
So I bought some Oatmeal for when I’m at work or the mornings when i’m on the go and then I have some white rice (i love it and refuse to give it up) and some vegetables for dinners. So at least for this week that’s how it’s going. I also have wheat crackers ritz for when i need to snack at work sooooo now all i need is that right mind set and then get back into my work out groove. I was doing so darn good and I really had it down pat and now i feel like i’m starting from square one again … :(
awful feeling

FOCUS on the good !!!!… Well tomorrow morning I will be weighing myself… I am sure that I am in the 200s again and that will really hurt my heart if that is the case!!!
… I miss the 193 :(

 

Come on ME!! March 15, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 6:58 am

Well needless to say I am a little irritated at myself today . I weighed myself this morning and I was at 200 .. I know exactly what it is from and I am already fully aware of my problem but days like this just put me right in check.. It’s those darn weekends!! I hate it I am aware, I know it’s a problem and for some reason I just never , ever learn my lesson and it’s so frustrating!!!! I do soooo good monday threw friday and than the weekends come and my moral goes out the window!! I don’t know how to fix this. all I’m doing is throwing all this hard work I did out the window. My husband loves to cook, my kids are home and I am home with nothing to do and it’s just a mix for disaster. I hate hate hate it. I am so irritated right now. I am to the point where I feel like throwing my hands up and saying Ok i’m going to be fat forever apparently because I have no self control so I might as well eat whatever the gosh darn I please. . I am sooo close.. But yet I can’t.. I am so annoyed. *sigh*.. I just need to figure out something….. something… for the weekends… But what is the question

Anyways.. beside the eating everything in sight over the weekends.. This weekend was really good. We got a flat screen tv since ours was stolen last year and I decided to invest in the Wii so I can get fitness stuff and go outside of the gym box for a bit. So I also got The Biggest Loser Video game to go with it. I don’t have the balance board for the Wii yet so I can’t do all of it but at least I can do a variety for days like today when I didn’t go to the gym. (I blame the daylight savings time for that) lol I just could not get out of bed for the life of me. I feel like I’m slipping in my weight loss train and I am having a hard time setting both feet on the ground. It’s rather annoying.

What to do what to do. . . I dont know so if any suggestions are out there please let me know. I am at such a loss I feel so hopeless right now.. Why do I keep trying when I get nothing and just torture myself. !!!!!

***I will blog tomorrow about The biggest loser game and how that went.. I hear it really is a good work out***

 

The weekend how I hate you February 16, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 9:40 am

Well I made it threw the 3 day weekend, I of course induldged a little bit which of course sucked and made me feel horrible but actually I did better than what I anticipated in doing. I had a few no no’s and ate a little bit more but for a three day weekend I thought I did pretty damn good lol. I weigh myself on Thursday so we’ll evaluate the damage at that time. haha. So I went shopping last night and bought a bunch of healthy stuff for the week so I’m totally prepared and It feels nice, also while shopping I decided to buy myself some new gym clothes and I was very happy to fit in the Large sizes vs the extra large. it was a small accomplishment but none the less It felt sooooo good.
This morning I went the gym (In my brand new gym clothes yay!) did 1 hr of cardio and was running late so I didn’t get to do any weight lifting or anything like that which I’m bummed about but hey one hour of cardio.. I can take that.
Anyways things on the home front are good, still stressed. Jason the hubby has been out of a job for months now and it just sucks so much, all of our stress, etc. roots from that problem and its becoming harder and harder to get over and brush under the rug so to speak. But everyday is a new challange and I hope he gets one soon before our lease is up. Because if not than at that time we will go our seperate ways, I do not want this to happen but for my sake and for my childrens sake something has to give. . Anyways its a new week and I’m ready to go .. Also way excited to watch
The Biggest Loser. It’s a huge motivational thing for me and oh how I love Jillian. lol ..

 

Ruined in five minutes February 10, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 8:04 am

So yesterday once again it happens and I still can’t figure out how to turn my brain off from it or just avoid it completely. . So when I get home I pack up the girls and me and my husband go out to the store to buy some chicken and asparagus for dinner.. yummmm… So we get home and of course we have to wait for the chicken to thaw while I’m starving.. And what do I do.. Much on some potato chips . have some bread with cheese and totally feel like crap after wards.

I just don’t know why I ruin it for myself. I just don’t understand. I do soooo good besides that fact and I feel like I just sabatoge myself in a matter of minutes. I was just so hungry and it’s the “fat me” just wanting food and I don’t care how I get it. It’s horrible and the feeling afterwards just made me feel even more horrible. So that’s my one flaw at this moment. The gym part is great. I am totally on board and go everyday but that’s what is my huge problem that I need to fix. It just has to happen. I feel like I’m taking one step forward and two steps back . It is so discouraging knowing that I work so hard for nothing.. or so it feels.

Do you ever feel like your just trying for nothing and nothing will ever come of it.  I know that what I’m doing is good and healthy,etc. But I’m having a downer day where I feel like what’s the point.. Why when I just ruin it for myself.

But anyways I will be strong and I can do this. I just have to control myself and think of a plan of attack. Maybe snacking before I go home from work so when I get home my tummy isnt on the loose for something bigger.. I dunno.. bla

 

The late night wreck February 9, 2010

Filed under: ~The bad days~ — debi @ 11:44 am

This is my first blog I have ever created and I thought what better way to start than with my weight loss journey.

Well let’s just start out with how today went.

So I woke up bright and early at 5 AM to hit the gym. I spent about 50 minutes doing cardio and another 20 minutes doing weight lifting, etc. It felt so amazing to get that done and over with for the day without holding “oh no I have to go to the gym” over my head all day. So then it’s off to work. I find going to work is easy for me since I pack all my food the day before so I already know what’s on my menu and it works out great. .. Than when I get home and have dinner around 5 or 6 it’s great too..

Then… it happens…. at about 8 or 9 .. My body is telling me I NEED food.. Its not even a food in particular. it’s just food. I don’t know how to stop it. It’s horrible to know that I achieved all of goals all day and to have it ruined all in a matter of minutes because I couldn’t say no. I just don’t know why this is and I don’t know how to change it. It sounds so simple. but so not.