So much has happened since my last post. Not much of it will be discussed here, but all of my big issues are health-related. Basically, my doctor put the kaibosh (sp) on Atkins (on Jan 25th) & since then, I’ve been bouncing around nutritionists, dieticians, “healthy living center” appointments, multiple diets & plans….and for all their wonderful efforts… am now running about 6 lbs heavier than I was at the end of January, and I feel much worse emotionally.
Enough is enough.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. There’s been quite a few sparkles from the Universe lighting the way for me to see the truths about myself that I never would let my heart “see” while I was trying to drug myself with food, exercise & pre-occupation with my body. Tonight I realized that I’ve been carrying a great big heavy stone around my neck for far too long. So here goes:
I have a secret. I am a bulimic. I have been since childhood. Up until last summer, I was non-purging.
It wasn’t until last fall that I ever realized that what I am, what I do, was an eating disorder. My boyfriend knows about the purging but he doesn’t know about everything else. But he’s the only other person, and he has some problems believing it’s real. He certainly won’t admit it’s an eating disorder. He doesn’t approve. I cannot talk with him about it. He just tells me to “stop”. My sisters don’t even know. My family never knew. My whole life I’ve used excessive exercise & fasts to attempt to balance out my eating. While I never truly binged (as a clinically defined binge is 1500-3000 & upwards of 10s of Ks of calories), a “normal” sized meal for someone else would be enough to trigger a fast or purge. I try to hide it, even from myself. But it’s still very much a part of my daily existence.
I wanted to end it. As soon as it came to light, I quit almost cold-turkey with the pills, teas, drinks & tricks. However, I didn’t quit with the binges. The only thing that saved me from a 50-lb gain over the last 4 months (instead of the 20-lb one I’m dealing with), is probably the fact that my “binges” have never been more than 1500 calories, and that would’ve been a VERY large one. In fact, I vary rarely consume more than 2000 calories in any given day–which I realize doesn’t make mathematical sense, i.e. caloric levels related to actual weight.
I’m not sure why I’m posting all this right now. I guess I needed to get it off my back. I really only came here to say that I finally ordered the DDPYOGA & I’m stoked about it. :)
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