Oh to be just overweight!

Saturday was my first real off plan this month and it wasn’t so bad.  I honestly feel really decent about it.  I didn’t gorge or binge or eat ’til I was overfull.  I just had some foods I normally wouldn’t, but kept it all fairly reasonable.  So, this morning I was up 1 pound, but I realize it’ll be gone very soon and I can get back to the business of reaching goal.

So, only a few more days on 1200 cals.  Then mid-week it gets interesting switching to 1500 cals.  The thing is once I hit goal I’m supposed to switch to 1800 cals which I’ll have to transition to carefully since it may happen soon after switching to 1500.  I guess I’ll play it by ear.  I know May holds some weekend challenges with travel and special events, so we’ll see how it all works out. 

Yep, that runner’s diet won’t be in full effect until mid summer.  I think the way I’ll approach it is that I’ll just add carbs when I need to add calories for my long run days.  Sure, I’ll throw in some sweets now and then, but mostly keep it to whole grains and fruits.   I’m off to meal plan…..

I’m now on day 2 of Week 2 eating (an average of) 1200 calories/day.  I am down to 133.4 this morning which is fantastic!  I am now within 4 pounds of my low weight and less than 10 pounds from my goal.  Today I had peanut butter and honey toast with fruit and milk.  I LOVE that!  How do I get to eat such yummy stuff and still lose weight?  My wonderful 10 y/o son even said, “Mom, it’s so weird that we’re jealous of the food you eat and you’re on a diet.”  To which I responded, ” I’m not on a diet!  I’m just learning to eat healthier for life and we’re all benefitting!”  Isn’t it just how it should be?  Often my kids DO want what I’m eating because healthy foods can be delicious.  It’s just a matter of experimenting with them to find the right flavors and combinations that appeal to you.  Now the kids do still frown on some of the things I put in front of them, but they’ve come a long way (as have I) in the last year or so.  I admit, in the last week I have had a fleeting thought of going to Dairy Queen on a high mileage running day and getting a DQ Blizzard.  So, my thoughts aren’t always turned to healthful foods, but treats are allowable on rare occasion.  I’m just not ready for it yet.  I’m staying in the “zone” for as long as I can.  I know this is a rare and treasured place to be, so I won’t give it up that easily!

So, I was reading in my marathon training book about the “marathoner’s diet”.  (Diet as in food intake, not as in weight loss.)  The guy in the book was going on about getting plenty of carbs to feed your muscle so it will have sufficient glycogen to perform as needed.  He was singing the praises of pancakes, rice, pasta, baked potatoes and the like.  As a former South Beacher who LOVES bread (carbs in general), I was almost drooling with eagerness at this anticipated change in diet when I get my miles up.  Then suddenly concern hit me.  Can I handle this change in eating?  How do I know how much is enough and how much is too much?  Will I gain weight trying to figure it out?  Will I go nuts once allowed back into the room with pancakes with actual syrup?  Those are battles for another day, but that’s the life of a recovering food addict, right?  God help me as I navigate these rocky waters!

Okay so I started this new food plan that I’ve been talking about last Tuesday, so for those of you doing the math…there were 2 days I skipped the plan due to schedule conflicts and just ate wisely.  I actually did that too!  I ate wisely, on the weekend, with only a modest half pound fluctuation to show for it, and this all during TOM (which I blame for the fluctuation as much as anything).  So, yesterday I picked right back up and ate according to new food plan.  This morning I was bummed to see no movement on the scale, but I woke with chubby fingers…my tell-trale sign of water retention…for the 2nd day in a row.  Again, I’m blaming TOM since there’s no other good reason.  LOL  I expect to see some movement tomorrow morning since I’ve had another wonderful OP day of eating and exercise.

I gotta say, this is BY VERY FAR the best month I’ve had in a long time.  My attitude is right, my perspective is WAY better, and I’ve started this new devotional.  I can’t remember if I mentioned it before, but it’s called Faithfully Fit which is reminding me to turn this struggle over to God since I clearly cannot do it on my own.  I think it’s really helping to get, and keep, my head in the right place.  This is an addiction-like issue that I’ve struggled with for a good 15 years.  I’m so glad I’m dealing with it so my kids know a better way and I can enjoy my adult years.  I see how frustrated my mom is with her appearance and condition as an obese senior.  We’re doing the devotional together and I hope it helps her find her way to healthier choices so she can realize her own path to good health and fitness.

The food on this plan has definitely got me trying new things…most of which I’ve liked.  Tonight I made my own oil and vinegar dressing for my salad (as directed) which I was unsure about, but I loved it!  I also enjoyed the fish preparation they instructed me to try.  I’m not a big fish eater, so I need fresh ideas in that area especially.  The chicken salad last night was a little too weird for regular consumption, but it was interesting to try mangoes for the first time.  I’m broadening my food horizons SOOOOOO much.  I even threw some kale into my salad tonight.  I had never had that until last week!  Soon there will be very few items in the produce dept. that I haven’t experimented with!  That’s something to be proud of for sure!!!

This morning I just had one of the yummiest breakfasts ever!  It’s a slice of whole wheat toast spread with 1 T. chunky peanut butter and then apple slices, drizzled with 1-2 t. of honey and sprinlked with cinnamon.  I ate the rest of the apple with it and 1 cup of skim milk.  These are the tortures of healthy living! LOL  YUMMY!!!  This new food plan has some really interesting food combos, but everything I’ve had so far has been delicious and really hit the spot.  I guess this nutritionist knows what she’s doing, huh?  One of the best parts is today marks 7 days on plan with no food meltdowns and/or related weight fluctuations.  I FINALLY made it a full week without “eating stupid” (as I affectionately call it).

I weighed in today at 135.4 after just 3 days on this new plan (the few days prior I had been OP with food, just not on THIS plan).  That puts me very near my April goal of being back UNDER 135.  To be perfectly honest, I’m a little nervous about the weekend, though.  Tomorrow, my mom and I are going to a Christian women’s conference and they’re serving us lunch there which should be okay since it’ll most likely be some sort of bag lunch/sandwich kinda thing.  But then for supper we may stop to eat out on the way back to my house (it’s a 1.5 hour drive).  I’ve been doing so well, but sometimes I mess up when I’m not 100% in control of my food environment, ya know?  I know I CAN make good choices at restaurants and I can NOT eat chips if they give them to me in the lunch, but the temptations are just WAY higher.  Then there’s Sunday.  Some new friends we’ve just gotten to know at church invited my family over for lunch after church.  Now, they’re both healthy-looking people so maybe they’ll serve healthy foods, but who knows?!  Obviously I’m going to eat what they serve and I don’t feel right asking about it since we’re not well acquainted with them yet.  There’s even less control in that situation, because I can’t choose WHAT to eat, just HOW MUCH I eat of it.  I just want to keep this momentum going, so I can get to my goal weight for the summer and STAY there! 

Ya know how you want all that good stuff for yourself, but then someone sticks a particular food in your eye-line and you just throw all your reason and logic out the window to eat that high-fat, high-cal food?  Yeah, that’s what I do sometimes.  I KNOW I want to be healthy and eat right and exercise, but then this stupid part of my brain clicks on and insists that I may die without that giant Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Easter Egg.  (For the record, I passed it up this year….not ONE Reese product this Easter.  THAT is amazing.  I am a sucker for the PB and chocolate combo in a huge way!)  So, this weekend I HOPE my mom…(the same woman who insisted she would only pack us veggies with our sandwiches for our last event together and ended up packing Oreos and Fritos as well)…will help me resist and stick to plan tomorrow and my DH will help me Sunday.  My accountability people are really only here, on 3FC.  My dear family stinks at helping me!!  They have little self-control, so they have trouble holding me to it, ya know?  DH, my parents…they’re all at various stages of obesity (as I was until last year) so it’s tricky.  My kids are often GREAT at holding me accountable if I ask them.  They love to be in charge of telling me, “NO!”  LOL  But, they are SO not tactful about it, so it’s rare that I enlist their help.  Plus sometimes they have to ask me if something’s healthy or not before they know whether or not I should be eating it.   Heehee  Anyway, there’s what going on in the next few days.  Here’s to being spiritually fruitful…particularly full of self-control!

Day 2 on my 1200 calorie start-up with my new food plan is going well.  It’s a little to work around other scheduled events in my life, but so farI’m finding ways to accommodate it.

As far as feeling full on 1200 calories, I wasn’t sure how it would be, but it is surprisingly filling.  The nutritionist who put this together has included a lot of fiber, including but not limited to fruits and veggies.  She also balances carbs, protein, and fat nicely.  To be honest, I have had brief moments of slight hunger, but it’s been just before a meal time, so I just need to not spread things out too much.  The food is delicious and I feel terrific about getting such a nice blend of produce.  I know I will prefer the 1500 cal phase as a more ideal calorie intake for me, but no complaints about my present situation.  It’s obviously working!

Another great upside is that I’m already down to 136.2 after just a couple OP days before I started and 1 day on the plan.  I wonder how it will be in a few days.  Will the losses slow down?  I was prepared for it to be slower anyway, but now that it’s been so much quicker I wonder how long it will last.  If I could lose a 2-3 pounds a week, that would be more than amazing!

I’m happy to report I’ve got my head on straight again and I’m ready for this beautiful month to begin…giving me a fresh start.  I’m going to keep my goals this month realistic and then change them if I reach them early.  I’m trying this new eating plan where I do 1200 calories for 2 weeks and then switch to 1500 calories during the rest of weight loss.  I’ve found some new fun recipes and the plan tries to encourage fiber and a good ratio of fat, carbs and protein which I have never really bothered to keep track of. 

The point is that I will do a 2 week jump start to kinda get things moving again on the scale with a very specific meal plan that I’ll follow (so I won’t make excuses about certain snacks being OP, when in fact they send me over my cals or I eat it when I’m not hungry, etc.) and so I’ll know I’m ggetting exactly the nutrients I should be getting and it’s super easy to follow in terms of simplicity.  Then once I’m at the 1500 cal stage, I can work in my own recipes and be mindful of nutrients and combining to make sure I get my fruits and veggies, fiber, and the good ratios of the macronutrients.

Another thing I’m doing is going back to a rewards system for myself.  I stopped doing that for some reason once I got closer to goal last fall, but I realize it’s a nice tool to remind myself to think more long-term.  Ya know…sure, that snack looks good, but my calories are used up and I’d be delaying getting a nice massage or facial or some other reward that I’d really love to have.

Finally, I’m doing a devotional called Faithfully Fit that I saw another woman (who had reached goal and is a maintainer) on 3FC had used and recommended.  I think it’ll help me make sure I’m being mindful of what I’m thinking with regards to food and how I’m abusing it, which of course I am.  It should be an encouragement to me to give that struggle to God and let Him help me get food back in proper perspective in my life.  I honestly think it will help because I don’t think of myself as an emotional eater or a stress eater…I just like food and want to eat it ’cause it tastes yummy.  No deep agenda really, but it’s not healthy the way I do it when left to my own devices, so something’s gotta give, ya know? 

I’m pretty excited about all these changes and I’m recomitting to be more accountable on here and the message boards about my weight.  I’ve avoided talking about it because I’ve been embarassed to admit it’s crept up so much in just a couple months, but it’s my situation, and I need to own it.  I will weigh in tomorrow and report here and on the boards and move forward from there.  The best thing I can say about March is I didn’t give up and my exercise was on point, so it’s encouraging to me that failure is not an option.  I will reach goal and maintain, though I’m not exactly taking the short path there!  LOL

Is it progress even when you’re not moving in the right direction (forward)?  I guess so, just not desirable progress.  Or maybe it’s regression..moving backward.  Yeah, that seems more correct.  So, I guess this is a regress report!  LOL  Oh, there is progress being made…even today.  I was VERY hungry, so I had this little discussion with myself about how I could eat a lot and be satisfied without going off plan terribly.  I ended up making myself a delicious chicken stir fry for lunch with brown rice.  So, I had lots of veggies, whole grains, and lean protein with NO guilt and a full tummy!  THAT is progress from those weird binge-y days I was having a couple weeks ago.  I am totally bloated today and the scale is saying mean things to me, but I actually think it’s because of how dehydrated I got yesterday doing outside work.  I ate quite well and worked like mad, so logically, I should’ve showed a loss.  Instead, I woke up with tight rings and a small gain.  NOT COOL!  As a result, today is a exercise in water consumption.

Exercise is a roller coaster ride.  I am feeling very good about getting my running on track nicely.  I’ve been consistent with it all month 3-4 days/week.  I was switched to 4 days, but with all the happenings I had to miss a day this past week.  The roller coaster part is mostly my strength stuff.  I was doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge as a fun way to get more strength training back into my routine, but my shoulder was very tender, so I took a break from it to recover and not derail my swimming, etc.  I hope to get back to it this week sometime.  The swimming has been fantastic!  I was amazed how easy it was to get right back into the routine of swimming.  I should probably shoot to go more than once a week, but time is a factor.  So, swimming is another thing I’m thankful to have back in my life.  I guess I was just hoping to be more motivated to get back to ST’ing.  What was I thinking?  My motivation gets me nowhere fast!  I guess I’m not gonna stress over it.  I’m active and moving.  The time for more ST’ing will come, until then I have yard work to act as PLENTY of strength training!!!

Other things going on in my life have added some interest to keeping on my path of good health.  My dog became very ill last week and nearly died.  This precious little pup that we’ve come to know and love over the last almost 2 months was found unconscious in our basement last Monday morning suffering from a severe digestive reaction to something we believe she ate in our woods.  We rushed her in to the hospital and she was there for several days before she had recovered enough to come home.  We were thankful they even were able to save her life.  It looked very bleak at first!  Once we got her home we noticed some odd behavior and came to realize she is at least partially blind now.  We knew that some kind of brain damage would be a possible side effect of how low her blood pressure and body temp had gotten.  I guess it was her vision that got hit.  She has now bounced back to the same precious, bubbly personality we came to love before her hospitalization, but she is now trying to cope with the blindness.  That has been a challenge, but she’s worth the effort and we’re so glad she’s still with us and part of the family.

The other challenge lately is of course birthdays.  DH just had his birthday and I want to be supportive and all, but I didn’t want a lot of junk in the house, so I didn’t make a special treat he wanted and we just had cake when we went to celebrate at my parents’ house.  I know he understood, but I also know he was disappointed (about the treat).  I’ve just been messing up so much I couldn’t handle another challenge and couldn’t afford the indulgence like I could if I was on track and losing weight well.  Now DD2 has her birthday party this weekend at our house.  I cannot avoid making a cake or cupcakes for her.  It’s her first birthday party with friends since she’s turning 5!  I will attempt to keep things simple and healthy other than the cake. 

UGH!! I hate being in this place.  I have pretty much gained weight this entire year with the exception of the first 2 weeks or so.  When I think about it, I’m stunned.  I don’t know how it happened.  I’d be doing well, then I’d screw up.  As soon as I got back down to 130 in January, I attempted to be a maintainer and GAINED and then gained some more.  NOT a good start to my maintenance program.  So, I’m trying to lose the weight AGAIN before it gets out of control AGAIN.  I REALLY suck at maintenance!!!!!

Okay, so here I’m thinking I’m turning over a new leaf this month…finally ready to get back in the weight loss groove.  I started well, but have recently had a couple “eating stupid” phases.  It’s so weird because it wasn’t my old ways (over eating at meals and occasional snacking on unhealthy stuff), it was more like borderline binging, could eat enough, wanting to eat constantly.  I don’t know why I did this/felt this way, but the second little round of it happened right before TOM, so that may have contributed to it.  Anyway, one step on the scale after the latest food-fest shocked me back to reality.  I’ve been detoxing for the last day and a half.  I probably won’t weigh myself for another couple days (as long as I stay on track), just so I don’t freak out over the numbers there as they gradually come back down. 

I had just come to the conclusion last week that I’ve been settling.  I’ve been settling for less healthy food, just trying to get by so I don’t gain more weight.  I’ve been settling for a higher weight/body fat even though I’m not satisfied with my current body fat, just because I wasn’t willing to put in more “work”.  It’s time to stop settling.  The motivation comes and goes, I can’t rely on that.  I’m thankful for the frequent reminders that keep popping up to bring back to mind why I want to continue to a better goal.  I just got back a picture from when my dad and I went to a Father-Daughter banquet at his church.  At the time I felt great, thought I looked great, but after seeing the picture I realize I’m not there yet.  I’m not where I want to be physically and clearly I’m not there mentally since I’m still fighting battles with food on a regular basis. 

It’s partly a mental block for me.  135 was the number I’d held up as the impossible dream for so long and now that I’m there (at least in that area), I can’t imagine being able to get down even 10-15 more pounds.  It literally seems completely out of my grasp.  So, my project now is to stay on track and convince myself I CAN get there and it will happen a lot faster if I stop giving in to every food temptation that comes along! 

So, I was thrilled to see that I lost the mysterious weight that had recently stuck with me for a few days, but tonight I was a fool and kept eating GS cookies though I was not even close to hungry.  I just wanted them, so I ate them.  Not good.  At all!

So, I figured, ‘Okay, well at least I still have a workout tonight so I can burn some of it off.  Besides, it’s early and I can drink a bunch of water and start flushing that crap out of my system.’   I was trying not to fall into the ‘Well, I messed up, I might as well keep eating junk’ frame of mind and give myself some positive talk instead to get me back on track.  Well, it worked and I went and worked out….felt great and as I’m showering afterwards the thought comes to me….”What am I doing?!  Am I happy here hovering around 135 or do I want more?”  I think I was trying to tell myself I want more.” 

To be continued……

Okay, well…to be honest, I am still over my goal weight by a handful of pounds and I AM FRUSTRATED!!!!!!  I started March out well and had dropped the couple pounds I picked up at the end of February (which was NOT my month!).  The my sweet hubby suggested we eat out after his “rough day” Friday.  So, I ate off plan that one meal and have been paying for it since.  Everyday the weight goes UP, despite being OP.  Now it’s time to get even more serious than I have been.  More planning, more counting, more resisting temptation, more exercise…..and on it goes.  I am about to go work on scheduling this weeks meals.  My goal is 7 days IN A ROW on plan and go from there.  Can I still string together 7 good days?  It’s been awhile, but I know I can.  It’s not like this is new to me.  I guess I just got too relaxed and now my body is being mean…I’m hoping it’s just pre-TOM water weight or something along those lines.  Either way, it’s NOT cool and I’m done fooling around with the 130’s. 

I’m so freakin’ annoyed that I can’t go to WW at this point because my weight is too high.  Friday morning my weight was in the right range, but now UGHH!!!!  Time to go plan!