Oh to be just overweight!

Is it progress even when you’re not moving in the right direction (forward)?  I guess so, just not desirable progress.  Or maybe it’s regression..moving backward.  Yeah, that seems more correct.  So, I guess this is a regress report!  LOL  Oh, there is progress being made…even today.  I was VERY hungry, so I had this little discussion with myself about how I could eat a lot and be satisfied without going off plan terribly.  I ended up making myself a delicious chicken stir fry for lunch with brown rice.  So, I had lots of veggies, whole grains, and lean protein with NO guilt and a full tummy!  THAT is progress from those weird binge-y days I was having a couple weeks ago.  I am totally bloated today and the scale is saying mean things to me, but I actually think it’s because of how dehydrated I got yesterday doing outside work.  I ate quite well and worked like mad, so logically, I should’ve showed a loss.  Instead, I woke up with tight rings and a small gain.  NOT COOL!  As a result, today is a exercise in water consumption.

Exercise is a roller coaster ride.  I am feeling very good about getting my running on track nicely.  I’ve been consistent with it all month 3-4 days/week.  I was switched to 4 days, but with all the happenings I had to miss a day this past week.  The roller coaster part is mostly my strength stuff.  I was doing the 100 Push-Up Challenge as a fun way to get more strength training back into my routine, but my shoulder was very tender, so I took a break from it to recover and not derail my swimming, etc.  I hope to get back to it this week sometime.  The swimming has been fantastic!  I was amazed how easy it was to get right back into the routine of swimming.  I should probably shoot to go more than once a week, but time is a factor.  So, swimming is another thing I’m thankful to have back in my life.  I guess I was just hoping to be more motivated to get back to ST’ing.  What was I thinking?  My motivation gets me nowhere fast!  I guess I’m not gonna stress over it.  I’m active and moving.  The time for more ST’ing will come, until then I have yard work to act as PLENTY of strength training!!!

Other things going on in my life have added some interest to keeping on my path of good health.  My dog became very ill last week and nearly died.  This precious little pup that we’ve come to know and love over the last almost 2 months was found unconscious in our basement last Monday morning suffering from a severe digestive reaction to something we believe she ate in our woods.  We rushed her in to the hospital and she was there for several days before she had recovered enough to come home.  We were thankful they even were able to save her life.  It looked very bleak at first!  Once we got her home we noticed some odd behavior and came to realize she is at least partially blind now.  We knew that some kind of brain damage would be a possible side effect of how low her blood pressure and body temp had gotten.  I guess it was her vision that got hit.  She has now bounced back to the same precious, bubbly personality we came to love before her hospitalization, but she is now trying to cope with the blindness.  That has been a challenge, but she’s worth the effort and we’re so glad she’s still with us and part of the family.

The other challenge lately is of course birthdays.  DH just had his birthday and I want to be supportive and all, but I didn’t want a lot of junk in the house, so I didn’t make a special treat he wanted and we just had cake when we went to celebrate at my parents’ house.  I know he understood, but I also know he was disappointed (about the treat).  I’ve just been messing up so much I couldn’t handle another challenge and couldn’t afford the indulgence like I could if I was on track and losing weight well.  Now DD2 has her birthday party this weekend at our house.  I cannot avoid making a cake or cupcakes for her.  It’s her first birthday party with friends since she’s turning 5!  I will attempt to keep things simple and healthy other than the cake. 

UGH!! I hate being in this place.  I have pretty much gained weight this entire year with the exception of the first 2 weeks or so.  When I think about it, I’m stunned.  I don’t know how it happened.  I’d be doing well, then I’d screw up.  As soon as I got back down to 130 in January, I attempted to be a maintainer and GAINED and then gained some more.  NOT a good start to my maintenance program.  So, I’m trying to lose the weight AGAIN before it gets out of control AGAIN.  I REALLY suck at maintenance!!!!!

Okay, so here I’m thinking I’m turning over a new leaf this month…finally ready to get back in the weight loss groove.  I started well, but have recently had a couple “eating stupid” phases.  It’s so weird because it wasn’t my old ways (over eating at meals and occasional snacking on unhealthy stuff), it was more like borderline binging, could eat enough, wanting to eat constantly.  I don’t know why I did this/felt this way, but the second little round of it happened right before TOM, so that may have contributed to it.  Anyway, one step on the scale after the latest food-fest shocked me back to reality.  I’ve been detoxing for the last day and a half.  I probably won’t weigh myself for another couple days (as long as I stay on track), just so I don’t freak out over the numbers there as they gradually come back down. 

I had just come to the conclusion last week that I’ve been settling.  I’ve been settling for less healthy food, just trying to get by so I don’t gain more weight.  I’ve been settling for a higher weight/body fat even though I’m not satisfied with my current body fat, just because I wasn’t willing to put in more “work”.  It’s time to stop settling.  The motivation comes and goes, I can’t rely on that.  I’m thankful for the frequent reminders that keep popping up to bring back to mind why I want to continue to a better goal.  I just got back a picture from when my dad and I went to a Father-Daughter banquet at his church.  At the time I felt great, thought I looked great, but after seeing the picture I realize I’m not there yet.  I’m not where I want to be physically and clearly I’m not there mentally since I’m still fighting battles with food on a regular basis. 

It’s partly a mental block for me.  135 was the number I’d held up as the impossible dream for so long and now that I’m there (at least in that area), I can’t imagine being able to get down even 10-15 more pounds.  It literally seems completely out of my grasp.  So, my project now is to stay on track and convince myself I CAN get there and it will happen a lot faster if I stop giving in to every food temptation that comes along! 

So, I was thrilled to see that I lost the mysterious weight that had recently stuck with me for a few days, but tonight I was a fool and kept eating GS cookies though I was not even close to hungry.  I just wanted them, so I ate them.  Not good.  At all!

So, I figured, ‘Okay, well at least I still have a workout tonight so I can burn some of it off.  Besides, it’s early and I can drink a bunch of water and start flushing that crap out of my system.’   I was trying not to fall into the ‘Well, I messed up, I might as well keep eating junk’ frame of mind and give myself some positive talk instead to get me back on track.  Well, it worked and I went and worked out….felt great and as I’m showering afterwards the thought comes to me….”What am I doing?!  Am I happy here hovering around 135 or do I want more?”  I think I was trying to tell myself I want more.” 

To be continued……

Okay, well…to be honest, I am still over my goal weight by a handful of pounds and I AM FRUSTRATED!!!!!!  I started March out well and had dropped the couple pounds I picked up at the end of February (which was NOT my month!).  The my sweet hubby suggested we eat out after his “rough day” Friday.  So, I ate off plan that one meal and have been paying for it since.  Everyday the weight goes UP, despite being OP.  Now it’s time to get even more serious than I have been.  More planning, more counting, more resisting temptation, more exercise…..and on it goes.  I am about to go work on scheduling this weeks meals.  My goal is 7 days IN A ROW on plan and go from there.  Can I still string together 7 good days?  It’s been awhile, but I know I can.  It’s not like this is new to me.  I guess I just got too relaxed and now my body is being mean…I’m hoping it’s just pre-TOM water weight or something along those lines.  Either way, it’s NOT cool and I’m done fooling around with the 130’s. 

I’m so freakin’ annoyed that I can’t go to WW at this point because my weight is too high.  Friday morning my weight was in the right range, but now UGHH!!!!  Time to go plan!