Grrrr…so the morning has started off not so good!  We had an all shop meeting and the owner brought Doughnuts.  I had one maple bar and now I feel like the entire day is shot.  I brough my LC for lunch with some LF cottage cheese and grapes.  Gonna try to stick to the plan for the rest of the day. 

I got very upset with my boss this morning.  I have a very unfullfilling job and a boss that storms around screaming at everyone when things don’t go his way.  I should be used to it by now, however It’s hard not to take it personal when you are singled out and berated in front of all your co-workers.  No wonder I went for a flippin doughnut :(   

So it has been or week or more since I have written….Crazy craziness.  I actually left for a week and went to stay with a friend.  Things have mellowed out now and I am back home…however during all the drama I fell ”off the wagon”  I haven’t done any crazy emotional binge eating but, I have not been very careful about what I’m putting into my mouth.

Been thinking about starting Nutrisystem.  I’m worried that I will spend a bunch of money and then hate the stuff…anyone have any tips let me know.

Ta Ta for now!  I will try and write more at home later     

Breakfast- Bowl of Special K w/ 1%Milk

Snack-6 wafer crisp cookies

Lunch-Subway 6″ Turkey Veggie loaded Sub no cheese/condiments on 9 grain, small bag of Doritos

Dinner- 3 Egg white omlet w/ onions, tomato,turkey, and a sliver of Aged Gouda Cheese

Water 5 glasses and counting

Today’s meals:

• Breakfast-One Banana
• Snack-6 Wafer Crisp Cookies
• Lunch- Subway Footlong Veggie Delite (lettuce, tomatoe, pickle, cucumber, green peppers, olives, mustard) on wheat w/ no cheese, mayo, oil, or salt  Glass of 1% Milk
• Dinner- Half of baked Chicken breast Seasoned (no salt) Steamed Fresh green beans, 1/2 cup instant mashed potatoes (preseasoned with lots of sodium) 2 tall glasses of water and counting….
• Snack/ Dessert-Fresh fruit (pineapple, mango, kiwi, grapes)

Not terribly OP.  A little heavy in the sodium and carbs, not enough veggies  or Water throughout the day.  Had kind of a blah day.  I feel a little distracted and bummed.  Mike is trying to make up for being an ass in a way that is sneaky….like he’s not taking full responsibility for the way he acts sometimes. Uggg…Men

I was thinking about this “battle” we have with food.  There are good days and bad…and usually when we loose ground there tends to be an “at least” a “but” or a “tomorrow I will…..”   And then there is the battle strategy; the swapping of good calories for the one “bad” thing we can’t live without, the diet pills, the extra workout and on and on and on.  It’s like robbing from Peter to pay Paul! 

So I have decided to remove myself from the front lines of the war!  I surrender……I can never win this battle!  I am working on giving my body what it needs rather than what I want.  No swapping of good healthy food calories in favor of fatty, greasy, processed CRAP!

The harder we try and fight it, The longer the cycle continues……

Moving along…had a successfull weekend.  Friday night I made a nice little Cucmber-Onion Salad with a piece of Baked Chicken Breast…yummy!  Saturday Morning my friend picked me up and we headed out to her property.  I had a few drinks made with Diet Soda and a couple glasses of Wine.  I made some Asparagus on the Barbee and boiled up some ‘lil low-fat spinach ravioli’s tossed with a tblspn Olive oil and spices.   We had a relaxing time watching some chick flicks and kicking back.  On Sunday we ventured into Costco on the way back and I had to resist more than one of those sweet lil’ old ladies with their free samples Got home About an hour before the game and took Axl to the off leash dog park to let some energy out.  He’s was such a good puppy!  He gets along well with any other dog and just loves to run and play! 

I Did have a couple Corona lite’s while watching the big game.  Mike was “on one” of course.  We ended up getting into another fight and of course dinner was ruined!  He actually threw our steak & prawns into the trash bin! Things just seem to be getting worse between us and I am not in the financial nor emotional shape to throw him out and be done with this!   Not that I don’t love him, but my life was much more simple before he came along.  I did whatever I wanted and got attention (lots of it) from whomever I pleased, Now I have to beg and plead some days to even receive some form of acknowledgement from him. 

It’s depressing and sad.    Never the way I imagined my life….ever.

Ha, I am going to get busted if I keep blogging @ work :) 

I just have to say that I posted my starting weight at 195 and I am almost positive that I weigh more.  It’s been a few months since I have stepped on a scale.  Things were so out of control these last few months that I am terrified to even know!  If I see a number over 200 I think I will burst into tears! I’m gonna wait another week before I weigh myself.

Well it’s friday and I am getting ready to head out for the night.  The long anticipated/dreaded WEEKEND!  This is when I will really need to stay in control.  I Love sunday breakfast: eggs, bacon, potatoes, cheese, gravy, ham, chicken fried steak…OMG!   I am taking a trip to my friends recreation property Saturday night.  She is excellent support for me when it comes to eating right however, we usually booze it up a little when we are up there. 

I was poking around a bit today in some of the forums and it feels great to have that support and to see how much progress people have made!  It really fills me with hope and encouragement.  One of the biggest issues in my relationship is my sleeping habits.  Since I have been overweight I have developed sleep apnea and terrible snoring….I’ve seen that a lot of people have cured that! Whew……

Well, day 3 of healthy choices and I have got to say It feels so different. Normally, when I resign myself to “loose weight” it’s some quick scheme fad diet that will last maybe a day or two.  I would feel deprived and anxious and the more I thought about the things I couldn’t eat anymore the bigger the binge would be once I finally cracked.  At this moment I really don’t want to put any of that crap into my body anymore!  I’m not craving, anxious or angry. 

I haven’t been counting calories or measuring portions either.  I don’t want to get all stressed and overwhelmed, I want to make better choices and not worry about the rest.  Yesterday my meals consisted of:

• Breakfast-approx 1 cup Special K with approx 1/2 cup 1%milk
• Morning Snack-Mixed fresh fruit (pineapple, grapes, melon, strawberries) approx 1.5 cups w/ 1 serving Activia lite yogurt
• Lunch-3 glasses of water and approx 1/4 cup dry roasted lightly salted Edamae (I had a nice salad packed and didn’t eat it cuz’ I felt satisfied)
• Dinner-Seasoned (no salt) Baked Chicken breast with approx 2 cups mixed baby greens (it was so colorful with Romaine, spinach and what are those red leaves?) handful of snap peas and a squirt of fat free thousand island.

I know it was bad to skip the salad I packed….I just didn’t feel hungry.  

For Christmas my Grandparents got us this Coco-Latte hot drink maker.  It makes quick and easy Steamed milks, coffees, and even has reciepes for “Adult” beverages ie. Hot Toddies and such.   There is a reciepe for this Butterscoth steamed milk that is sooooo delicious but not so great cuz it’s loaded with Calories.  So I changed it up a little bit by using skim milk, 3/4 tblsp of butter instead of 2, and 1 tblsp of brown sugar instead of 2…….I really couldn’t tell the difference! 

My one regrettable moment came when at about 10pm I was still up and got the munchies :(  I had 2 pieces of Squirrly grain (no flour) toast with peanut butter!!    What the hell, it wasn’t a half gallon of ice cream….so progress not perfection, right?

Mike and I actually stayed up late having fun talking and laughing.  Our relationship has been so strained lately, It felt good to have some fun together.  I even got him to commit to taking care of my puppy a few nights a week so that I can make it to the Gym! 

Hello Blog world!  As much as people do this whole internet blog thin…this is my first one!  Yesterday I posted my first message on the Forum @ 3fatchicks.com where I have been a member for almost a year.  I have usually gone on the site to look at recipes and read articles.  I have never sought any help or disclosed my true feelings about food and weight.  Recently my life has taken such a radical dive into the dumps (or at least it feels like the dumps) There have been no major turn of events…..it’s what’s inside me that is all screwed up.  Rather than sitting and eating and playing victim to my food addiction I have decided to reach out for some help and start this blog as outlet for whatever it is that I need to say.  

I’m excited to make some new changes and actually follow through.  Following through is something that I have never done.  Whether it was learning guitar, personal training, dieting, even some jobs I have never believed in myself enough to fully accomplish the things I’ve wanted or needed to.  I’ve started so many things and left them unfinished….I think this is the biggest challenge in my life, the reason why I am so unstable and depressed. 

    They are some deeper rooted issues at hand.  I am just so sick and tired of being sick and tired.             Somewhere along this journey I may just figure it out!