I have no self control, motivation, confidence, drive, focus, energy or determination.

I feel like the person I used to be is lost in folds of fat, misery and self doubt.  I WANT to change so badly…I have all these grand plans in my head, however I seem to be incapable of follow through. 

My BF says I play a victim of the world…and I think there is a lot of truth in that.  I’m wondering how I can condition my brain to think otherwise and not have such emotional, impulsive reactions to everything from money to weight to personal relationships and interactions.  I am starting to believe this weight issue is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. 

Just do it!?  Tell me how……….

Yes I know it’s been a few days since I have actually posted in the forum or made a blog entry. 

At the risk of sounding like a (constant) whiny baby-I feel so very depressed, still.  There are some things going on that are not at all related to diet & Weight and I just don’t know hot to proceed with my life.  I can go on and on and on (and I have) about how miserable my relationship makes me.  The sad truth is that I don’t have the courage to change any of it.  I used to make lots of money and was fine on my own-now in this economy (I’m in the Automotive business) I am making close to nothing and cannot support myself in any form without him. I also don’t feel that I can rightfully throw him out with no warning as we moved from Arizona to Seattle together so we could be in my hometown. I’m reminded constantly that he’s only here because of me.  It’s not that there aren’t moments that we don’t enjoy or love each other-I just know this is not right. 

 And the drinking problems just consume me-I have ceased being truthfull with anyone that I am close with because I am so afraid of actually becoming accountable.  I started focusing on weight and food because I felt so out of control in that aspect (which it was/is) I need to step up to the plate and deal with some bigger issues here.  I told the BF last night that I wanted to look into going to an AA meeting and all he had to say was “Have Fun” He does not think that he has drinking problem.  He’ll be the first to agree that I do regardless of the fact that he drinks three times as much.  It’s like I’m stuck in this hell of co-dependent sickness and it’s destroying who I am - Who I want to be.

I have no plans to change any of this

All that being said food has been okay-I had a hamburger yesterday.  I’ve been OP for the most part and still finding new recipes and playing with food.  I made an egg white scramble that was Delicious and easy-sauteed some mushrooms, onions, garlic with a ‘lil bit of Olive oil & scrambled in some egg whites and chopped fresh basil…YUMMY!  

We have plans to hike again this weekend-found another trail nearby that is 6.5 miles roundtrip.  Cross your fingers and hope that we have another picturesque Washington weekend-NO RAIN NO RAIN

Yesterday after the pizza incident I also ate a PB&J sandwhich (No flour bread) and a handful of triscuits.  This morning I had two pieces of homemade Banana bread that was brought into the office.  Now my friend/co-worker is talking about hamburgers and deep fried mushrooms( no I am not going, but I WANT TO!) I brought a much more satisfying lunch and plan and up-ing the water intake. 

It’s so weird how just one little slip totally changes everything.  I was OP and feeling good and in one moment of weakness I feel like I have taken 3 steps backwards. 

I found a great little day hike in my area that 2.75 miles each way.  I think I will plan on doing that tomorrow with my Dog and see if the BF wants to go. He never wants to do anything or leave the house :(  It would be a nice little day adventure for us, so hopefully he will go.    

Oh the moment I hoped would not come…at least for another week,  I broke down.

Maybe it was the fact that I raced out the door after cleaning up puppy poo instead of having breakfast.  Tuesday & Thursday I leave a half hour earlier cuz Axl goes to the Doggie Dude Ranch for the day.   I hastily packed a crummy lunch that did not satisfy me for long enough

I was starving today

Afterwork  I usually race to get back to the Doggie Ranch before they close. Today I had to get gas,  I needed smokes, didn’t have a plan for dinner, and I was hungry.  I stood there with the pizza in my chubby hands and almost talked myself out of it.  The store was busy and the clerk was looking at me and the pizza was looking at me.  I felt like a deer in the headlights.  I ATE A FRICKIN PIZZA!  A nasty, gross, sitting under the hot lamp for 5, hours mini gas station pizza!  It was probably the equvilent of 2 regular slices.  Now it’s sitting in my gut all icky and fatty…..GRRR.  It was a great lesson for me-I need to always be prepared for the onset of starving hunger.  No Excuses, no bullshit, I did what I did and tomorrow I don’t have to do it again.

Meals today:

• Breakfast-Coffee and a handful of granola and raisins
• Lunch- Fresh fruit, activia yogurt, sliced cucumbers 
• 5pm gas station melt down- A personal size pepperoni and cheese pizza and a diet coke

And it will be a glass of Chardonnay and then water for the rest of the night! 

BF and dog are napping at the moment-better take advantage and get some housework done! 

 I can’t wait till it warms up and we can spend more time outdoors!  BBRRRRRR

Oh goodness I feel woozy this morning :( 

Yesterday’s Meals

• Breakfast - One Banana
• Snack-  1/4 cup Dry roasted Edamame
• Lunch- Fresh fruit, Activia Lite yogurt cup, and 1/4 piece of baked chicken breast
• Dinner - approx 2-3 oz Sirloin hamburger topped with a tiny bit of Aged gouda cheese, 6 flavored triscuit crackers and 4 glasses of Chardonnay.
• Snack- A handful of dried Apples

Nope, not enough veggies.  I ran out and have to wait for Friday (PAYDAY!) as we are totally broke.  I will have to make do with what I have the next few days. 

My BFF and her little boy stopped by to visit for a few last night.  I think I am kinda pissed off at her right now…..actually I am pissed at her right now.  There is meaning behind a lot of things people say and the way they say them and she has made some comments the last few times I’ve talked to her that just piss me off.  For instance: I bitched to her about my neighbors leaving garbage and cigarette butts all over the front porch that we share with them.  It’s gross and there is no reason for it!  Well I have a dog crate that Axl had an accident in and set it outside until I had a chance to clean…..I’m talking to her on the phone and she’s asking “Oh are you leaving it out front…haha”  and then last night she had changed her son’s diaper and I went to carry it outside to the trash bin and again…”you’re not leaving that on the porch are you?”  WTF!?  Snotty bitch! We go through phases and right now I don’t care for her much, but no matter what we will still be drinking tea together as old ladies.

After she left Mike and I kicked back and watched TBL together.  He made me a little mini-slider hamburger between 2 triscuits…it was yummy :)  I had too many glasses of wine and am feeling it this AM. Time to slam some water down and get the day rolling!