Hungry
Posted on February 15th, 2009 by motivatedchickie
Lately I’ve been so hungry lately, but I know it’s not food that will fill me up.
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Addiction
Posted on January 12th, 2009 by motivatedchickie
I am tempted to turn my binge eating blog into a rant about online dating. I have been dating online for two months now and I feel demoralized by the whole thing. Last night was the worst. I went on a date with the funniest man on the planet. This guy was hysterical. And cute. And interesting. But he proceeded to get completely hammered on wine & by the end of dinner he was so drunk he couldn’t speak or move. So we sat there for an hour. Not speaking. At one point I made a phone call at the table because I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. He was apologetic for his behavior and was eloquent in only a way a drunk can. He cried a little, said no one liked him, and that he hated himself. I dropped a little recovery wisdom to him, but I suspect he was in blackout. Got him in a cab and sent him on his way.
Addiction is a heartbreaking thing because it destroys beautiful, precious people like him & also myself. I am grateful I am in recovery and don’t have to bathe in alcohol to feel normal. Still working on the food addiction, but just for today I don’t want a drink.
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Unplugged
Posted on January 3rd, 2009 by motivatedchickie
Today, I pulled out of the internet dating sites I was on to get a break from the insanity of trying to make legitimate connections with only a picture and some words to go by. There has got to be a better way to meet people. So many guys I was in contact with only wanted sex. The whole thing was maddening and ruining my self esteem. Have been eating to medicate a bit, but I’m happy to say I lost 25 lbs in the last year. The binge eating has been a little better.
Filed under: binge eating, dating | 1 Comment »
Didn’t binge at restaurants…wow
Posted on December 13th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
For the past week, I have not binged at all, which is amazing because I’ve been to a ton of restaurants in the past week and a half (Greek, Japanese, Cajun, Vietnamese, Italian, Asian fusion, and American). I ate at a restaurant nearly every day. Usually I avoid restaurants because I think they make me fat, but really it’s the overeating that I do at home that is the problem. My birthday was last week and to celebrate there were dinners out. Oh, the cakes. Two people gave me gooey chocolate cakes, layered with oozy fillings, rich frostings, and candy shavings. Both times, I ate a slice and gave the rest away.
What’s amazing is through this period of celebrating is that I’ve lost weight. Right now I’m at my lowest weight in a few years. Last night, I was at a Greek restaurant and everything I ate were heavy- appetizers were a block of feta cheese, stuffed grape leaves, and pita. My entree was fried and drizzled with tahini sauce. I ate what I wanted and stopped.
People gave me a hard time for not finishing my food. I went on a date at an Italian restaurant and my date said, “Eat, eat.” I ate some of it and then took the rest home. The portion sizes would choke a horse.
One thing that really helped is that every time I ate, I was more interested in the company than the food. On my birthday, I wanted to talk to my friends. While the Vietnamese food was great, I wasn’t focused on that.
With my binge eating, I am either doing well or doing very badly. Lately I’ve been doing well and it feels great.
Filed under: binge eating | 2 Comments »
Will lose my blog if I don’t post
Posted on November 17th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
At 3FC, they delete blogs when unmodified for thirty days, so I should get on this. Haven’t had much to report, more ups and downs with the binge eating. I am gaining and losing the same 10 pounds right now.
In other news, I mentioned that I was dating. That may have been an overstatement. I had a couple of dates and am now doing the online thing. Which is totally demoralizing. I miss the old days where I met guys at parties. Face to face meetings is the way to really know there is chemistry.
I’m logged onto a dating website now & finding the whole thing depressing.
I promise I’ll blog something more interesting next time.
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Not proud of how I stopped binge eating
Posted on October 21st, 2008 by motivatedchickie
Well I stopped binge eating after a month in which I spiraled down. I’m using the technique of distraction, which is I’ve started dating again. I can’t tolerate the weight gain so I simply stopped and lost about half the weight I gained in the binge.
I’m not proud to be using vanity and the desire to attract a man as a reason to stop. I should stop because I love myself. Because I am an honest person, I am telling you this.
This is a temporary measure. Hopefully I’ll find a more permanent solution down the line.
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Non eating related post…
Posted on October 14th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
I didn’t binge today…
Posted on October 13th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
…and I’m going to bed soon so I don’t get tempted. Today it was easy not to overeat because my day was full of wonderful stuff. I was able to leave work early, go for a run, and then go to my improv class. Laughing for two hours is great for the soul. Told a friend that I loved him. He said it back. It’s good to have such a close friend.
Hoping the capper for the day will be a Phillies win over the Dodgers in Game 4 of the NLCS. As of 11:20 pm, it’s a tied game.
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Lessons from A Binge
Posted on October 5th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
I haven’t been posting on my blog because what can I say…I continue to binge and I am gaining weight fast. I hate the weight gain, but in a deep way I don’t want to stop because I believe overeating is the only way to get comfort in my stressful life.
I’ve been honest in my blog that I am not a dieter- rather I have an eating disorder. Losing weight means I have to face the fact that I use food to medicate. Will power will not solve my emotional eating problems. Instead I need a program of recovery.
So it’s another morning after a binge. I see the remnants of my eating- candy wrappers, orange peels, dirty dishes, and I am glad its over for now. Right now the obsession to eat is calm- I feel perfectly content not eating and I feel like a normal person. What a relief, but unfortunately the feeling won’t last. Later in the day, I will get hungry and want something to eat. And of course I will eat. I have to. And whatever I eat will feel like not enough, so I will eat more. And more. Until I am full and my body will want me to stop, but I will have some sort of voice inside me that says I am still hungry.
However awful binge eating disorder is, it has something to teach me. That I need to make changes in my life so that I don’t rely on something outside myself to get me through. I need to take of myself better and to learn that eating doesn’t solve my problems, only make them worse.
My recovery plan is simple…Do things that make my life easier (like cleaning, spending time with friends) rather than harder (like eating more food than my body wants). I am planning to run for the first time in two weeks- my physical condition is deteriorating fast- maybe running will remind me that I am strong.
I don’t know when I will stop bingeing, but I hope it is soon.
Filed under: binge eating, emotional eating, running, slips, weight | 2 Comments »
Binge Eating Came Back
Posted on September 19th, 2008 by motivatedchickie
It has been seven days since I resumed bingeing again and got on the scale for a wake up call. Gain of one pound, which isn’t terrible. So, it is Friday and I am recommitting myself to a binge free existence. One month with very few binges felt wonderful. I don’t want to go back comforting myself with food.
I started a new job this week, which could be my excuse to eat. But it could be my reason to see if I can deal with stress in a way other than eating. I need to take things one day at a time.
And I need to watch my triggers. Yesterday, I got overtired and by 10 pm I was at the convenience store. There are certain patterns that lead me to eating. It is time to pay attention to them.
So, here are my commitments/goals for this week. I put them out there so that I can have some accountability:
1) Exercise 4-5 times a week. This week even when I was overeating, I was still running. That helped me maintain my current level of fitness. My goal to run a half marathon should not be derailed because I at a ton of food.
2) Average sleep 8-9 hours a night or supplement with naps. This is going to be tough because I have a full schedule and some nights I don’t get to sleep until after midnight. Sleep is huge for me- I am one of those people who needs a lot. It seems like the next time I’ll get to sleep more than 6 hours is Sat night/Sunday. But it is time to consider going to bed at 10.
3) Commit my food in writing in advance. I have a “food sponsor” who I email daily with my food. Helps me get/stay on track.
4) Watch my triggers and stay out of danger. I can’t be walking around feeling lonely and tired and think I am going to resist food. If I take care of myself, I won’t turn to food for comfort or love.
There are more things I can do, but I will keep it simple for now. Another long day ahead, but it’s the weekend. Yay!
Filed under: Uncategorized, binge eating, committment, coping skills, food plan, slips, weigh in | 1 Comment »
