6thMay

Untitled

You say the girls who take psychology or want to get into psychology are fucked in the head, yet at the same time you conitnue to date the “same” type of womaen because in reality you are just as screwed up but refuse to admit it, but the no longer want to continue with them because at the same time they can get inside of your head and figure out you and that’s something you don’t want. Because in the end you want to think that you are perfect, can do no wrong and that everyone else around you are the fucked up ones.

So it’s been a 30 day detox from my ex I deleted his email and if he emails me it get’s sent straight to my trash bin. Of course I check it once in a while (I know bad!!!  I shouldn’t be checking it ever right? Because who cares if he emails me or not…he’s just a waste of space.) Anyways I’ve also decided to STOP talking so much about my relationship of course the things I say are pretty negative there for everyone has a negative affect about it. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesn’t want that label. Fine by me, but if there’s no label that means I’m free to date others. (He is as well) We got into a fight and “broke up” over the weekend of course it was my doing and Sunday night he came over to talk to about. At a point I figured he didn’t care, but when he said he missed me too I thought why the hell not? I need to stop being such a basket case and looking for a stupid label. I don’t even know why I’m looking for the label I’m so much damn happier to begin with when I am “single”.

He told me I was no longer the I don’t give a shit girl that I was when we first started talking. No of course not since feelings clearly started to develop how can I still be the I don’t give a shit girl? I asked him if that’s what he preferred then and he said no, but he didn’t understand why I felt the need to define this thing because everyone else is questioning it. At that I saw his point of course me getting wrapped up in myself I was like what the fuck you know? So then I asked him yesterday if we were good and of course he said “I thought you said you were going to chill out a bit?” Okay that wasn’t the point I was asking I just wanted to know a simple yes or no answer if we were good? So whatever I’m just going to lay back and chill and do my own thing, which means if I get a date with another guy I will take it. Sure were “good” but we haven’t committed to each other we’re just “hanging out” which is his terms because he doesn’t feel he should have to put effort into just wanting good company and hanging out. He feels effort shouldn’t be played in until kids are involved. Which I think is stupid because everything needs effort into it and if you’re not willing to put effort into it, then why should I? but at the same time I think he’s all talk considering he did put effort into this weekend of the fights and the talking and the everything. So it must mean he does care or else he pretty much would have said fuck it. You ended it and you’re pulling this shit we’re done, over piss off. So as much as I don’t like to read between the lines I think with this one I will have to.

29thMarch

Breathe and reboot

So I’m stressing and I don’t even know why I have been stressing over some guy. Seriously what is wrong with my head am I really not capable with letting things go with the flow? I guess not since all my relationships consist on being in one like after a week of hanging out. Maybe I fear I’m wasting my time when I could be out there dating a bunch of other people (not that I ever go out on a bunch of dates since I’m pretty much anti social but you know what I mean.) who are potential losers since I have horrible pickens when it comes to men.  

I have now calmed down and every time he mentions girlfriend or anything about commitment I’m just going to shrug it off, because it always turns back around on me like I’m the one who brought it up when I didn’t. Obviously I stand somewhere with him since he does sort of bring up a future with us, and when were in the middle of sleeping he’ll snuggle me and he comes over and we hang out and just have a good time. So every time he brings up anything along the lines of BS I’m just going to breathe and reboot and shrug it off. Hell if today he ends it so be it, tomorrow is always a new day. If we don’t last until the end of the week I know in the end it really wasn’t me to begin with.

I got to get out of the track mind of everything should move fast just because it’s what has happened with every boyfriend I have been with.  So today is a brand new fresh start, and every time he mentions another girl I’m just going to tell him to shut up and do as he please without giving me every detail. Like seriously did he have to tell me that if by the time he was 35 and not married he was going to marry this really pretty chick? Seriously he even showed me pictures and I was like really?! Do you really think I need to friggen know that?!

So here’s what I’m going to do, every time HE brings up girlfriend or relationship thing I’m just going to shrug it off and nod my head and not get into it and continue on doing whatever it is I’m doing at the time and as for when he talks about other woman. I’m just going to say do as you please but reframe from giving me all the details please and thank you; I don’t need to hear them. And move on to the next conversation.

I think this weekend is going to be a game weekend. I’m going to get Dead Risen 2 and kill some zombies. Oh baby! By the way I’m still at 153 which I’m happy about.

24thMarch

Shocked

How much shall I bet that what I just said to you is running through your head a million thoughts per minute. I have the control now.

 

3rdMarch

Boys boys boys

So  I have a date tomorrow night with a guy named Adam who seems pretty cool only one negative about him…he doesn’t drive or have a car. I only ever find this to be a con because really so now I have to be the driver for everything (and this was a huge turn off when it came to dipshit Sean as well). And being the driver for everything mean anything I ever need I have to go get myself or ALWAYS go see him. Total turn off now that I’m thinking about it. Which means I might have to pick him up for dinner tomorrow, which is okay as long as he were to pay…but I guess that’s the pay off right?

Then Saturday I’m hanging out with my friend Mikey who’s I’ve been chatting with since November but I never actually met him and I think now I want to so I decided to chill with I’m Saturday and why not right? I don’t know what he thinks about it though because there has been so many times I flaked and we had this issue when we first started talking because he smoked and liked me…but then we stopped talking, then began talking again and we kind of just became facebook text buddies. He asked me what would happen if we both were enjoying ourselves and liked each other. I said ummm go with the flow? (what else am I suppose to say to that?) and he was like how he doesn’t want that to happen and wants to stay friends because he doesn’t want to get hurt again…I don’t know if that was towards me or what the heck that was about but I was like cool we can just stay friends whatever you know. I don’t care unless I end up actually really liking him, but he better choose his words wisely because once I flicked the switch the switch isn’t going back the other way.

 Oh and I have a date next Thursday with a guy named Chad…It’s too funny because he’s very eerie and so many similarities to my ex in every different way possible. But of course I’m keeping that on the low down simply because I want to see what this guy is like. Curious you know? Who wouldn’t be! So of course I need to test the waters of this one. Someone also said to me he is NOT my ex so it doesn’t matter the similarities he is a completely different person. Which is true haha I hope?! The only thing different so far is the looks and probably the lack of being in a gang…but then again he could be in one who knows. Plus I’m kind of questioning for myself is do I want to be with someone who has kids? Do I want to be in a relationship being LAST in everything again. (this isn’t just about Chad #2 this is about any guy who has kids that I may come across). Then again if I’m going to date older guys of course this is an issues for most of them.

Well I guess I could be because then he shouldn’t expect to be first on my list which of course he wouldn’t and I could continue to live my life the way I wanted to, but of course the question is if they would want more kids and how financially stable are they going to be paying child support PLUS having another baby. Than the other question which a raise…is why did they split? Of course I’ll bluntly ask…I know it’s a def you shouldn’t ask question on a first date but too bad you have two kids and the youngest is 2.5 yrs…so the split must be recently to say the least and the other kid is 5. I’ll also what to know a lot of the details and where he sees himself and so on. I know I know I’m jumping to conclusions…sometimes things just don’t work out…but you don’t go one bringing another kid in the world then split (tho he takes them every other weekend) which means problems were already raised before hand or was there something else? I’m pretty sure I already made up my mind on this one, but I’m still going through with it anyways because you know curiosity killed the cat!

So of course I saw the movie I LOVED THE MOVIE and you know what I write on my status on facebook every time I see that movie? Every girl should follow this advice!  But of course when we are in our own situations what do we go do…not follow our own gut instinct or advice. So I saw the book a while back and was like meh whatever right? I saw the movie and who really needs to read the book, so I settled for a book that was just as fabulous called, “the last one down the aisle wins, 10 steps to a fabulous single life which lead to a better married later”. Definitely a must read for all the single ladies out there. (but of course when you get caught up in BS around you, you tend to forget. It wasn’t long ago either I read “why men love bitches” another great book!

So of course I was mad at myself for not being the bold courageous girl I was before who could ask a guy out. Then again I began wondering why I’m so interested in wanting something so bad. When all my relationships in the past were rushed and have failed. So one of the girls had mentioned getting “He’s just not that into you” great idea and of course she mentioned it at a convenient time which was pay day so I go buy it. But before I do I have a few hours left at work to kill so I read reviews on it and one girl had mentioned it ruined her life and the only thing I could think to myself is. This book probably wasn’t for you to follow to the T it’s pretty much a guild line and use your own judgment anyways right? So now I’ve already bought the book and I talked to my best friend back home who said the book was garbage and don’t believe everything a gay guy says…Well yea I tend not to follow her judgment much on anything because she’s more screwed up when it comes to men then I am.

So my journey begins in as I start reading the book and I start getting this vomiting feeling in my stomach and this had nothing to do with the green shirt guy it all has to do, do I really want to read this because it’s probably mostly going to consume info about my ex that I should be ready to hear but I’m not. God it’s only been how long? So I start reading and the first thing it says is never ask a guy out. I get rather annoyed at that because seriously what are we in the stone ages? Because I got news for you, by doing that I’m going to be single for the rest of my life. It’s like Disney telling you Prince Charming will come, and I’m sure all you happy couples who are married to wonderful people are reading this going be patient it will happen just because it happened to you. Maybe you were the exception I’m not the exception I’m the rule I always have been the rule and that my friend may or may not change. Not to mention I’m aggressive and when I want something I go for it I’d rather not wait around to see what life has to offer to be honest. So I put the book down and after I was done being pissed off about it I picked it back up and continued on reading.

Some of the stories in there I have actually done to guys which I found pretty funny, and most of them my Ex has honestly done to me which was even more amusing. You realize it when you are in the break up process and you tell yourself these things over and over again but telling yourself is like talking to a wall so of course you don’t listen. You need to re hear or read it from another person’s point of view. After reading most of it I got half of the book done before I went out with my friend for dinner and I just thought to myself if I had of only read this two years prior would it have saved me from this heartache and pain…I don’t think so because in the end as I knew before I stayed and put up with my ex’s psycho abuse towards me because I was too scared to be alone, when in reality being with him I was more alone than ever. Then again I don’t know maybe if I had of read the book I may or may not have continued to have lack of self respect for myself. Don’t get me wrong ladies I knew when I was with him I had no self respect, or confidence but I thought it would change, it’d get better and guess what it never did. As I finished off the book I realized he’s doing the same thing to his next victim in these stories, talking to me, talking about me to her and  how selfish he is in his own world, it’s like this chick should pick up this book before it’s too late. But do you think it’d help her? Probably not because like so many of us and including myself we become stupid and ignore all the red flags and signs.

Then I get to the part that was about my guy friend Sean and to be honest I did the smart thing in not continuing anything when it comes to him. After being with my ex I figured out myself worth and knew what I wanted in a guy and someone who is an alcoholic and calls me stupid and says shit to me isn’t someone I want to be with. We went out for dinner last night, we talked and I let him know exactly why I walked away, belittling me in public is a huge no no and he learned that the hard way. He told me he never called me stupid but telling me I’m an idiot because I spell words wrong and have horrible grammar and saying you can’t ever spell your own language when you speak it is being a bully, and that pisses me off because a girl at work who’s been abused her who life does the same friggen thing to me. I got to that part in the book and just smiled at myself and shook my head. Yet at the same time I was proud because I walked away, because I no longer wanted to tolerate it and I won’t. I think he learned pretty fast to, to shut the hell up. Although on an occasion we speak after finishing the book I’m pretty much done with him no matter what.

So far everything that goes on in the book is about my past relationships the mistakes I’ve already learned and am accomplishing now and still nothing of my situation with my green shirt guy. So I’m at work reading the book and it gets to this part where if a man only talks about himself and doesn’t really ask questions to get to know you…isn’t that into you. Just as I was reading this part he walks up to me and starts talking and that’s when it hit me green shirt guy just isn’t into me and the butterflies weren’t even there. I found it amazing right at that moment he walked in as I was reading it, I didn’t even notice it him and it took a moment for me to notice he was standing there talking to me. So I looked back at all my relationships and even though the men were the ones who pursued me they weren’t ever good enough for me. Of course I know that and of course I know my ex is a piece of shit and isn’t even worthy of my time now or ever.

So here I am happy and as Liz said no longer feeling like someone is punching me in the face a bazillion times anymore. I wouldn’t exactly call me a doormat, I might act like one in the beginning until I get the guy I want and then it’s a total switch I’m in control of the relationship, but I think my whole thing with this green shirt guy is, yes I was into him and who knows maybe he’s just an idiot maybe not. It doesn’t matter at this point because I may be single now, I maybe single in the next 5 years and who the hell knows I maybe single for the rest of my life, but the truth is as much as we all fear that moment and fear the moment when we have a child that we are going to be single mom’s. It doesn’t bother me to a full extent because at least I wasn’t the girl who married the wrong man who abuses and cheats on me. At least I wasn’t the girl who waited 5 years for my boyfriend to never purpose to me but leaves me and marries the next girl. And for god sakes as funny as Nikki was, at least I’m not like her in any way. When I’m in a crushing stage I’m a lot like Gigi off the movie a lot, but it’s only in the beginning and a lot of times while I’m dating I’m a lot like these guys in the book who plays her cards right.  Yes I can be the gushing omg girl who really likes this cute boy and I’m interested a lot, but most of the time in the end I’m just not that into them when I get the chase over.

So maybe the book was right a guy should be chasing me. I want to feel chased (but a guy I’m interested in…all the guys that seem to chase me I’m totally not into and it’s slightly annoying, but then again guys probably think the same thing of me when I go after them.) Technically though I’m not chasing anyone I’m sitting at a desk and he comes and talks to me (about himself) and then leaves. So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m starting over a new leave, I’m creating a new email address ( I don’t want to get rid of the old one because all my shit is on that one, but at least with the new one I won’t be one the old one as much checking stuff.) I’m totally going to forget about green shirt guy and join a dating website. I might try Match.com or another free one but definitely not POF. I feel I’m down at a comfortable weight where I know I look and feel good about myself so it’s time I get back out there and start dating. Who knows maybe I’ll find prince charming or maybe I’ll still continue to get this douchebags after me, but as far as I’m concerned I think it’ll be even more easier to weed out the douchebags and start looking for someone who is worth my time and someone who will find me worthy and I really need to get the bad boy shit out of my head…seriously I’ve done that stage and look where it got me.

So to the ladies who recommended that book, thank you and to all the other woman who are like Gigi out there I suggest getting the book and reading it, it might help you along the way and remember stop thinking you’re the exception because if you were, you wouldn’t still be single.  

15thFebruary

Face your fears…

Dear myself;

You are looking amazing seriously your work pants come right off of you without having to undo them or the belt. I wish your company would get better fitting shirts but we can easily fix that with a nice sewing machine…Though I’m pretty sure you weren’t very good at your home economics class but who cares the uniform they have you wearing looking ridiculous anyways! After yesterday’s low blow you should be able to do anything! That includes taking a rejection from green shirt guy (assuming he’s going to reject you!)…that’s if he comes by again you might have blown your chance already for this morning. All you have to say is would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday. Simple easy and he’ll either say yes, no or make a jackass out of himself. Not so bad right? Good now grab the bull by the balls as Derek would say! He needs to see what you look like out of this uniform and you really need to get out there and start dating again! And who knows this could be the start of a beautiful relationship or nothing but at least those damn butterflies will go away!

P.s please find a way to work on your posture…

Also remember you are bold, strong and confident…maybe not so confident but you can at least fake that!

Love yourself.

8thFebruary

Untitled

So what you’re saying is, you are unhappy and by writing me these stories (of your past) is going back to relive your childhood (or relive the life you missed out on or had and never realized it was right in front of you this hole time) in order to find who that happy person once was. To see if he really existed then what? I personally think you’re going to get up to the part where you and I were together and realize that’s when you were the most happiest. (maybe it’s vain of me but I think it’s true…) The worst part is, that’s something you will never get back or ever have a second chance at.

It seems like when I workout I don’t go over my calories, I spoke with my trainer and she said best bet is to stay between 1500-2000 a week because of the amount of workouts I do I need the nutrients which I’m obviously not getting last week or this week thanks to low budget and process food. I really should learn to manage my budget a lot better. Also maybe plan my meals accordingly for the week. Maybe I’ll work on that this week for when I get paid next Tuesday…it seems so long always where I can get a good meal in. I didn’t go over budget Friday or Saturday! Yesterday I did I binged on pizza pockets…I can say I only had 4…but that’s 1000 calories

I have really ugly fingernails…Maybe I should invest in getting a manicure…I’m really hoping I don’t see my green shirt guy today! I look bloated and disgusting…and I feel like crap! Not to mention why my ex felt the need to write me a story about his life (it was pretty interesting and more were still to come…) He says there no point behind it (well their clearly it but it’s one of those dumb games he’ll play write her and she’ll wait around longer for me) But to me it’s one of those things as too what the hell is really the point? I’m the one person you can talk to about this yet you left me…I guess it was my fault for sending that drunken email months ago I opened up that  door. Actually I don’t care too much because I enjoy the fact I’m actually happy and he’s pretty much in misery. (I know horrible right?)

I feel like sending him an email but I won’t I think from now on I’ll let him just send off the emails and I’ll read them and go back to my wonderful life here in paradise.(and the 30cm of snow that’s all around and the snow fall STILL hasn’t bothered to stop falling either!)  The fact I no longer have boy drama is exciting…but kind of boring at the same time. I’m pretty sure green shirt guy is gay…or possibly socially awkward or maybe I’m just reading too much into anything that clearly is nothing. Why must I be the girl who over analyzes everything? Why can’t I have a man like Stefan off of Vampire Diaries…he’s perfect! I don’t even know why I bother looking all that’s ever attracted to me are married, loser, asshole douche bags. I don’t get why I attract these ass wipes? I’m confident, cute, bubbly and will rip your face off and watch you bleed the second you cross me! So why must it always be these types of guys?! I have that look you know, the one where it’s like I’m some kinky bitch who will rock their world in bed…I hate the fact that I have that look because having this look means that’s ALL guys ever want from me. (I’m really not as full of myself as I come across to be…but these are just basic facts about me which are true. LOL)

I can never find that good guy, you know the one that will randomly do things to surprise you the first few months of dating, the one who will take you out to eat and get to know you and is interested in every detail about yourself… the one that 5 years later you marry down the road and go where the heck did that guy you used to be go but thankful you have the right man in your life. Maybe that’s too much to ask for. You want to know something my guy friend said to me the other day in our discussion we had and says “You know you’re going to one day realize I was the guy you should have never let go because I was the one…” I had to contain laughter on that one…the one right? The guy I’ve been friends with for months who bought me a Valentine ’s Day present. You know what I was thinking it was? Something cool like a video game something along those lines because that’s what I’m into fully, or something corny or even just a box of chocolates or flowers.

You want to know what it was? A necklace! I told my other guy friend (who I work with) and the first thing my guy friend said to me was “You don’t wear jewelry!” I know right?! I don’t I hate jewelry I don’t even have my ears pierced and yet he says we were meant to be? It’s been 3 months almost since we started to hang out (and we hung out almost every day)…and in those three months I hadn’t noticed the lack of shiny I wear on me…Which brought me to realize there is no friggen way in HELL we were meant for each other if you chose to get me a damn necklace over a friggen video game!  (the worst part about it…I bet you it was gold to…I HATE gold! If I had jewelry it would be white gold or silver NEVER gold.) and I get it…right it’s the thought that counts but really in thinking I was a jewelry person there was no thought in that what so EVER!  I think when its about the thought that counts is for someone who doesn’t know you and randomly grabs you a gift and you say awww thanks that was sweet of you and knowing you don’t wear something like that or whatever you still enjoy it because they at least thought of you. Not for someone who calms they were falling for you and then BAM give you something you’re so not into to begin with!

I haven’t stepped on a scale yet this month I’m itching to lately but I’m fighting against my will to do it! Truth is I really don’t want to I think I’ve gained the last few days on the overeating of my calories (who am I kidding I’ve been apparently over eating this whole time ha-ha) I have just started counting calories and since my trainer said between 1500 – 2000 I guess I’m not really over eating unless I hit past the 2000 mark. I think today is going to be a video day, only complete morons would go out and drive in this crap (of course to and from work is okay). We live in Canada and you’d think the people would get that we get snow so really why do we all become complete morons and accidents arise! It just snowed last week…yea I get we had nice weather in the plus’ last week but seriously IT’S STILL WINTER TIME!  

SO I indulged in a hot dog and a breakfast bagel and a can of Pepsi and I FINALLY feel full! I think I’ll skip lunch maybe eat a bowl of cereal instead to help out. I gotta get motivated again…I think the email from the ex will help with that. Ha ha he was with a fatty. Actually when we first starting seeing each other I was at the weight I’m at now…than gained but soon soon I’ll be back down to my proper as long I can keep stop over stuffing myself with the shit I’ve been eating as of lately. Next week’s pay it’s going to be fruits and veggies. (My green shirt guy is here and butterflies are seriously running wild in me and I can’t even sit still right now but I’m trying my best to keep myself occupied with this blog instead of sitting here doing nothing as if I’ve already noticed him but pretending like I haven’t yet I have…and omg I’m obsessed with a gay guy! Seriously! I’m not saying that to be mean I generally think he is gay. He came up to me and was like how was your weekend? I said it was awesome, he made a sarcastic gay tone and said awesome…then I asked how his was and he said it sucked, then I said too bad you’re not as awesome as me that’s why…and he was like bitch please! Omg what straight man says bitch please! He’s so gay this is retarded this is sooo unfair what did I do to deserve this! How is it a gay man can make me feel this way but a straight man never could and I’m trying to move on seriously! I’m trying to find someone to put my eye on but it doesn’t matter as soon as I see him I get butterflies and I don’t mean for it to happen it just does!  

I should seriously just be a nun…I’m never going to find a man. haha