21stJune

A raw side…

I feel like a complete loser, seriously I was down to 150 at one point! 150 pounds and I sabotaged myself. Then I was back up to 155 and thought okay 5 pounds, maintain it and I did for the longest time then BAM! 160 and when I weigh myself at night 164!!! 16fucking4! are you kidding me! Do you know how long I was stuck at 164 the scale never moved but the inches were coming off of me. I don’t know what it is My grandfather died two weeks ago and I hate sharing feelings and I always feel like I have to be strong, and I feel i’ve been okay but maybe I really haven’t clearly by the 9 pound weight gain from two weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write this blog, I figure I’ll keep it to myself in hoping that this is all just water weight, in hoping tomorrow will be a better day but you know what it’s not tomorrow yet, it’s still today and I feel like an utter failure!

I feel maybe I’m also stressed because I’m going home in July to visit family and I don’t want them to say wow you haven’t lost any weight since you left, your still fat. I want them to say I look amazing and I’m doing well and I look healthy and happy, but who can say that now? I’m 164 again and I’m fat! I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me why I completely sabotage myself and gained back 14 pounds. I’m disgusted and angry with myself at the moment. I normally shrug it off and say meh tomorrow is another day. Yes I started Insanity yesterday and I began working on my journey again with a fresh start but I can’t help but feel I failed myself. I know you only fail if you quit…but isn’t by me sabotaging myself telling myself I quit isn’t gaining back 14 pounds part of failing? I guess I’ll sleep it off and hope tomorrow I feel better and not look as bloated…


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