26thApril

150

Yep…I started the detox (of course sunday fell off the band wagon) but I find it’s helped me a bit adding more veggies and fruit into the mix, because I am now down to 150 to my final last 10 pounds!!! I never thought I’d see that :)

So it’s been a 30 day detox from my ex I deleted his email and if he emails me it get’s sent straight to my trash bin. Of course I check it once in a while (I know bad!!!  I shouldn’t be checking it ever right? Because who cares if he emails me or not…he’s just a waste of space.) Anyways I’ve also decided to STOP talking so much about my relationship of course the things I say are pretty negative there for everyone has a negative affect about it. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesn’t want that label. Fine by me, but if there’s no label that means I’m free to date others. (He is as well) We got into a fight and “broke up” over the weekend of course it was my doing and Sunday night he came over to talk to about. At a point I figured he didn’t care, but when he said he missed me too I thought why the hell not? I need to stop being such a basket case and looking for a stupid label. I don’t even know why I’m looking for the label I’m so much damn happier to begin with when I am “single”.

He told me I was no longer the I don’t give a shit girl that I was when we first started talking. No of course not since feelings clearly started to develop how can I still be the I don’t give a shit girl? I asked him if that’s what he preferred then and he said no, but he didn’t understand why I felt the need to define this thing because everyone else is questioning it. At that I saw his point of course me getting wrapped up in myself I was like what the fuck you know? So then I asked him yesterday if we were good and of course he said “I thought you said you were going to chill out a bit?” Okay that wasn’t the point I was asking I just wanted to know a simple yes or no answer if we were good? So whatever I’m just going to lay back and chill and do my own thing, which means if I get a date with another guy I will take it. Sure were “good” but we haven’t committed to each other we’re just “hanging out” which is his terms because he doesn’t feel he should have to put effort into just wanting good company and hanging out. He feels effort shouldn’t be played in until kids are involved. Which I think is stupid because everything needs effort into it and if you’re not willing to put effort into it, then why should I? but at the same time I think he’s all talk considering he did put effort into this weekend of the fights and the talking and the everything. So it must mean he does care or else he pretty much would have said fuck it. You ended it and you’re pulling this shit we’re done, over piss off. So as much as I don’t like to read between the lines I think with this one I will have to.

So good news, I’ve started a second job and the best thing about this job is I get tips! I seem to spend those lots, but now I’ve come up with a solution a goal. I can make between 5 to 10 dollars a night in tips sometimes more and if I save up until every Pay I can buy the things I want. Like this month I’m looking forward to buying the Jillian Unlimited book, but instead of breaking into my account and spending that money I should just save up and by the book using my Tips (and within two weeks if not sooner I’ll have the money for the book.). That way, 1 I kind of save money and 2, it’ll help me control my spending. (at least I hope…unfortunately I’m one of those people that as soon as I have money, I need to spend it right away! So I need to work on that…it’s like when you’re fat and you see a piece of cake and you know you’re not hungry but that cake looks so good, you eat it anyways and over stuff yourself. I get like that with food but I’m horrible with money.

I’ve maintained my weight between 153, and 155 I’m on TOM again because I thought it would be smart to start the pill but lately it’s turned me into a psychotic nagging bitch who wants to rip off everyone’s head and I don’t even need a good reason for it. Not to mention when the wrong thing is said to me I go off and get defensive and pissed off. So here I am on TOM for the second time this month. I’m going to start a 9day cleanse on Thursday I’ll probably last two days before I go back to eating which is fine. I think it’s time to get these last 15 pounds off, don’t you?!

8thApril

untitled

Oh spammers how you show so much love to my blog! I haven’t posted in a while I’m pretty sure the last post I was down to 153, well I’m back up again to 156. I’m not going to lie I’m pretty disappointed in myself. I had this test this week 360 questions actually it was only 330 but still that’s beside the point I completely bombed it (I get to write it a second time if I failed so I’m going to start studying again each section 1 by 1 each day since I now pretty much know what the test consists off and hopefully the second time around I can get that 80% that is needed) and maybe I was stressing too much about it and binged not to mention TOM was coming and I always binge like crazy around that time once it hits I’m usually good and the cravings and binging but last week was crazy. I went up to 160 pounds on Monday which was ridiculous! I’m back down to 156 which I’m not really happy about but it’s better than 160!  

So things seem to be going better with Boy ever since I backed off last night he deleted his online dating profile sites and I didn’t even ask him to, he just did it. I now ignore his comments when he brings up the word girlfriend. For example when he said “In 9 months when you’re my girlfriend we can move in together.” and shit like that obviously he likes me, obviously he wants to keep me around for some time because when he’s shopping for trailers and tents he’ll ask me if I will sleep in them. I’ve become pretty mentally distance with him after he said to me if I keep bringing up the girlfriend thing it’s not going to happen and I just went into I don’t care mode afterwards and become less available in a mental aspect and ever since then he seriously stepped up his game.

The other day he made dinner, chicken, shrimp, with raw peas and tomatoes alongside potatoes and bought raspberries and black berries with real fudge for dessert. I’m happy, he seems happy and the weather is finally picking up so we can go out and do more things and I won’t always be freezing.