So my finally weigh in for the month was 157.5 guess a little loss is better then a gain.

26thFebruary

Nervous!

So tomorrow is my weigh in day! I’m seriously nervous! I know it’s only 4 pounds to what wanted to lose for this month, but I’m hoping I lost more; but I’m thinking what if I lost nothing?! I just want to get down to 150…then I’ll only have 10 more pounds to go. ahhh the suspense!

25thFebruary

Disappointed

I’m a little disappointed to be honest. First off my Trainer texts me to tell me that today counted as a session even though I wasn’t there because she was super busy so I lost a session that I paid for anyways which is fine whatever because if I end up moving to the Yukon anyways I’m just gonna cancel the membership.

So I got dressed up, well I put on a dress and didn’t go as I planned to look but that’s because I just can’t cake on so much make up and my hair is lame, so I looked like me in a cute red dress and a pair of shoes that killed my feet. I had offer to pay for dinner, but as we sat down the douche (which is the guy friend) said he was going to pay since he made 200 dollars extra plus a 50 dollar tip on top of his 1700 dollar pay check. Yes he tells me this shit so I said fine you want to pay go for it. So he orders expensive wine (no surprise there being the Alcoholic he is) and I didn’t care because I figured he was paying since he said he was going to. Well after dinner it was time to go, he goes your paying for dinner and went on about how he paid the last two times which the last two times TOGETHER came up to the same price this one dinner was. So fine I paid anyways trying not to be annoyed because I offered to pay in the beginning but it’s kind of hard when he turns around brags about the money he’s making, knowing my cash flow situation, says he’s going to pay then bam pretty much went fuck you, you can pay. So whatever I’m done I’m venting about it and now I’m still pissed but I’ll pretend I’m over it. I think he wanted to hang out longer but I dropped him off at home and came home instead because I could careless he didn’t pay for dinner so I sure as hell didn’t feel the need to want to chill with him afterwards.

My weigh in is on Sunday morning I’m hoping today didn’t screw anything up for it. Tomorrow will be nice fruit, veggies and water to kill down the damn sodium bloat that I’m feeling at this moment. I think I should give Michael a chance (he’s this guy I’ve been talking to since November that I met off of the dating site, but I never actually met him. It’s kind of been an on and off thing for us texting each other but the last few days we’ve been talking a lot so I think next weekend I’ll finally meet up with him.

25thFebruary

Finally it’s Friday

I love blogging, but I also like writing in my cool journal books. I’m starting to write about things that have happened over the last two years with me in this journal I have, (Since I bought it before I moved back out west) now that I have a clear not so angry cloud floating over me.  (most of the time) I think it’s good to recap things and write it out, I started last night I was getting a sick feeling in my stomach but I know it’s something that needs to be done so I can be even better then what I am right now. Not to mention I think it’ll be a good read for whenever I end up getting into another lousy relationship.

I’m going out for dinner tonight with my friend but I want to completely dress up and look good so I’m wearing this cute silk red dress I bought for my cousins wedding back in 08 that I never got to wear again and I feel like wearing it. Were not going to a completely dressy up place but I want to look like a princess and grab myself a cute pair of dressy boots and nail polish. That’s my gift to myself the boots and nail polish for this month. I think I deserve it ha-ha.

I also canceled on my trainer my back is still sucking and the last thing I want to do is strain it even more. So I have her my last week next week on Monday, Wednesday AND Friday. It’s going to be one hell of a tough training week that’s for sure! Have a good Friday everyone and I’ll see if I can get some pictures of my fabulous look tonight posted.

24thFebruary

2 days left!

I swore I wrote a blog this morning, maybe I just didn’t post it? My trainer and I worked on a new circuit yesterday and my lower back is killing me, I’m guessing because of the Kettlebell? I’m really nervous though about the loss to be honest because some day I swear I look like I lost 10 pounds but then days like this I feel like I’m up in my weight. I wanted to be at least down to 155 that’s 4 pound lost this month and I’m hoping it’s at least just that! I’ll be disappointed if it’s less, but super happy if it’s more for sure or even just the 4!

I guess progress pictures would do some good, except I have no one to take pictures of me and I’m really not photogenic which annoys the hell out of me! I have my trainer again tomorrow, I’m hoping my back will feel better? Then I only have her Monday (we switched next week’s Friday to Monday) and Wednesday and that will be it. In a way it will suck but at the same time YES! I’m so happy it’s over haha.

So I totally just snapped at my friend in all honesty who the hell does she think she is. I was going through my list on what I needed to change apparently if we use the same bait we seem to catch a lot of the same fish that we don’t want. So I was explaining to her that I figured it out. I keep going out with the same jackasses (as in my previous post) and I couldn’t figure out how to change my bait but then I realize what someone said to me once, I’m kind of a control freak not hugely but to the point I like to be in control. He explained to me that what I’m looking for in a relationship does not exist I’m either going to have to give up full control or be content with a guy who doesn’t mind taking direction. And here I am trying to look for a guy on a common ground with me who isn’t a complete pussy but isn’t a complete asshole you know that balance! Well he explained to me I will never find someone who has that balance because if I do were going to fight. I explained this to my friend and do you know what she says to me? “You’re not a control freak because you allowed your ex to walk all over you and use you until you finally got fed up with it. So do you want my honesty opinion now or no?”

Seriously DID YOU REALLY JUST GO THERE?! Yea she really did, bitch! So I wrote back saying “first off let’s make this clear Yes I made a mistake with my ex but he was the FIRST guy I ever let do what he did to me, and he was the FIRST guy I ever allowed to have full out complete control over me. I know what I’m like and I know what my past relationships were like and my ex was the FIRST and will be the LAST guy to ever do what he did to me so no you’re honesty is NOT needed at this point.” She of course had nothing to say other then okay. I figured that might have been the smartest thing she had ever decided to do in her life is to shut her mouth after I blew up.

You know I know the mistake I made with him but quite frankly I don’t need some screw up chick who can’t even figure out her own life and her own relationship bullshit to place her input on something she knows nothing about. I don’t bring up the fact she stayed with her loser boyfriend of two years who verbally abused her a few years back I don’t bring up her dumb mistakes…all I’m going to say is karma is going to hit her one day. She’s going to fall head over heels with some asshole and go through something similar. (It happens because trust me I didn’t think I’d EVER be in the relationship I was in…) I always thought I was a head of the game smarter than that and then BAM it happened. It was like I was trapped in a god damn tornado and you know what I don’t need to be reminded by someone who is suppose to be my best friend of a stupid little mistake I made. Or a big mistake depending on how you look at it.  At least I’m moving forward in my life instead of doing exactly what she’s doing and that’s nothing with hers.

I’m so sick of guys! Yet  I need to start dating again but I need to get some updated pictures to post on the website. I can’t get the guys I want even the really skinny looking nerdy ass guys who weren’t even cute when I first met them, and the guys that do want me I don’t want because they can’t give me that za za zu I want and need. So I’m at a damn loss! What else drives me nuts is when certain guys think they are god gift to earth and are amazing, charming and sweet and really they are just plain old jackasses. (but of course their heads are so far up their asses they don’t see that!) It’s life wonderful ever since I met my ex it seems like now the guys that are attracted to me or I slightly get attracted too, are judgmental money hungry assholes who think they are god’s gift to woman…and its not like these guys are the best looking guys either! (I have odd taste in guys, trust me if I showed you a picture of green shirt guy you’d be like wtf or maybe I’m just like wtf am I thinking since he isn’t even the type of guy I would ever go for, he’s way to friggen skinny yet I’m attacted to him…why I don’t know! Maybe the fact he’s an annoying money hungry asshat? Seems to be the rate I’m going for these days with guys.)

I’m exhausted, I’ve completely exhausted myself out with men, I needed a hug the other day and my guy friend who is apparently really into me goes, “do you need a hug?” I said yes…you know what he says “well I’m at the bar so drive down and come get it” how fucking nice! Whenever I need anything from this bag of shit I have to go get it so I said no thanks I’d rather hug my teddy bear then you. I’m frustrated I’m annoyed and I don’t get what kind of bait I’m using on myself to continue to have these assholes attracted to me, or vice versa. I know I should be concentrating on getting a career, out of debt, losing weight blah blah blah blah fucking blah but sometimes I just want a really good lay, and find a man who isn’t a worthless piece of shit! I know I’m asking for way to much that’s for sure! I guess it’s time to figure out what bait I’m carrying and try and change it.

I have my PT today and were 3 days in counting for my final weigh in I’M SO EXCITED! I think for my reward it’s going to be a cool colour nail polish and a cute dress, or my sims night life game I’ve been wanting to get. Oh choices choices choices…

22ndFebruary

Second chance blown.

I gave you a second chance, you fucked up again. Were done. Goodbye!

On a good note I worked out tonight  for 35 minutes, and now I’m enjoying a cheese and cucumber sandwich it’s so good! I seriously want seconds but I’m going to chug a bunch of water down and just make my lunch for work tomorrow.

The mind is the master of illusion if you think about it. It’s your mentally which can play tricks on you because it’s all about what you see, the eye of the beholder is what they call it. I haven’t even cheated once this month to stepping on a scale and maybe that’s my problem with the lack of motivation as of now. This is my final week to get my final workouts in before the big loss is shown on Sunday. At least I think it’s a big loss when I started this a few weeks ago I was 159 pounds. I swear to you I look 148, I love the way I look and feel these days I’m thin I’m happy but I know I’m not at my target goal. My stomach is flatter but it’s not completely flat yet so I must continue on. (I still have a tiny double chin…it small but I don’t like it because I have a Tori spelling head. But Tori is super pretty so I can’t compare my looks to her.) The motivation for this week though just isn’t there. It’s already Tuesday and because I take the weekends off that means I haven’t worked out the last three days. Tonight I’m not going to the gym, but maybe I should force myself to do a 30 – 45 minute Jillian DVD. I know I should force myself what is wrong with me? I have one week left to prove to myself I could drop the 4 pounds I wanted to drop to get to 155 I’ve done well this month so why quit now? Tomorrow and Friday as usual I have my trainer so I know I’ll get two workouts in…but I really should fight for the next 5 days and get 5 workouts in isn’t that how it should go? I don’t know we shall see as of Sunday if I made my goal or not.

I am miserable this week, I’ve tried to keep my head up and continue to move forward but I can’t. (I even tried to pretend I’m happy…but I can’t) I feel like a failure and everything you can imagine is wrong with me! I’m tired and pissed off (I’ve been pissed all week and I know why to…that bastard is to blame…actually he’s not I’m to blame for the fact I allow him to affect me. He’s such a sack of shit!) I don’t know what I weigh, I have my personal trainer today and you know what I’m not in the mood to see her to work out! I just want to go home and sleep all weekend. I’m so happy its Friday! I really hope after this weekend I’ll be fine and back to my normal bubbly self! Not this self destructive dumbass…