So here I am after months of being absent I dropped down to a wonderful 150 pounds only to find myself back up to 170.

Working three jobs, couple of therapy sessions, failed relationship and moving in the end life takes a tole on you and you tend to forget about yourself in the process…at least I did.

I’d like to say a new year a fresh start, but the honest truth is a week before Christmas I decided I needed to do this. I needed to do it for myself because I was sick of falling back into the same patterns. I evaluated myself last year, figured out my trigger points, figured out what causes me to be as destructive as I was and why I failed my journey to begin with only 10 pounds away from my goal!

I self sabotaged, and it’s something I’m good at doing whether it’s my weightloss or my relationshops I self Sabotage them because it’s easier to do that than it is to succeed…because what do you do after you succeed? Well no more, it’s time things change. It’s time I change my life style, everything around it and remove every last bit of toxic people, things etc…in my life.

I’m trying to keep this on the low down this time around, though there is something that happened last year near the end of it which royally pissed me off. I won’t explain on here given the fact which I doubt but there is a possibilty this person may or may not read it. Let’s just say it made me realize a lot of things and has helped me through this time to push through all of it. I’m not sure why people who are your friends who are miserable like to bring everyone else down around them in hopes they fail along side with their failure, but it happened. I can’t blame them, or anyone but myself for being blinded by it, for allowing it to happen. I can say I’m royally disappointed it happened, but in the end it brings me to have competition which I know I’ll win and succeed because though I have never been a competitive person…after realizing what happened it hit me on this.

It’s not a race I know it’s not, I’m doing this for myself, my own way because I WANT to be a better person, to myself and even to the people around me. I CHOOSE to be a better person, not someone who is stuck in the past because I can’t let go of the things people have done to me to hurt me. In the end I WILL succeed because I have realized that this is something I WANT to do, I NEED to do and I WILL make damn sure I will do it!

Fuck the Scale, it’s about getting fit and being healthy is my new moto.

MY calves STILL hurt making the workout much harder to do, but I modified it and worked at it a little slowly until they were warmed up and stretched out and even then I had to be careful because I didn’t want anything to seriously rip! Not the first week getting back into this. 55 days left!  I was suppose to do C25K with a friend, but being woken up straight from a nap we ended up just hanging out and talking. To be honest I was going to skip all workouts today but 10 pm hit and I was like…Just do it and I did Pure Cardio and Cardio Abs day 5 of Insanity, I liked it. I feel great! I’m also super tired and about to go to bed.

Tomorrow is Plyo the first video after the fitness test, the one I quit at the last 15 minutes! I’m ready to kick it’s ass tomorrow! Bring it!

23rdJune

Day 4/60

Today is day 4! yep day 4 and I have to say I’m loving Insanity! I mean how can you not stay pumped up while doing this work out when Shaun is doing it as well, grunting sweating and yelling at you to keep pushing as if he’s right there in your own home! I’m not going to lie it is not an easy workout I’ve had to take numourous of breaks and motify some of the workouts when it comes to the upper body, but starting this is has been amazing, it’s exactly what I needed to get my butt back in gear! Yesterday was Cardio power and resistance and I also did 30 minutes day one of C25K! I’d like to push myself a little harder when it comes to C25K but you know what it was only day one. I’m happy I bought the app for my Iphone so much easier to work with then what a friend and I were trying to do with timing it ourselves! My calves hurt like hell but you know what totally worth it! SOO WORTH IT! If you think you’re not fit enough or if you’re stuck and need motivation or even just a change in workouts I’d suggest getting Insanity, whether you buy it or download it, GET IT!

22ndJune

Day 59…

The first cardio circuit training was Plyometric, I honeslty couldn’t finish the last 15 minutes of it but you know what on Saturday when it’s time to do it again I’ll kick it in the butt! I can’t have the all or nothing mentality I need to realize that there will be set back, there will be times I can’t finish physically but the point is at least I started and did the best I could. I’d rather not burn myself out but lets bring in the next 58 days!

Today’s workout includes Cardio Power and Resistance as well as C25K with a friend which we’ve been working on for month, but we both got lazy and now we’re both ready and willing to push each other to get to our goals!

21stJune

A raw side…

I feel like a complete loser, seriously I was down to 150 at one point! 150 pounds and I sabotaged myself. Then I was back up to 155 and thought okay 5 pounds, maintain it and I did for the longest time then BAM! 160 and when I weigh myself at night 164!!! 16fucking4! are you kidding me! Do you know how long I was stuck at 164 the scale never moved but the inches were coming off of me. I don’t know what it is My grandfather died two weeks ago and I hate sharing feelings and I always feel like I have to be strong, and I feel i’ve been okay but maybe I really haven’t clearly by the 9 pound weight gain from two weeks ago. I wasn’t going to write this blog, I figure I’ll keep it to myself in hoping that this is all just water weight, in hoping tomorrow will be a better day but you know what it’s not tomorrow yet, it’s still today and I feel like an utter failure!

I feel maybe I’m also stressed because I’m going home in July to visit family and I don’t want them to say wow you haven’t lost any weight since you left, your still fat. I want them to say I look amazing and I’m doing well and I look healthy and happy, but who can say that now? I’m 164 again and I’m fat! I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me why I completely sabotage myself and gained back 14 pounds. I’m disgusted and angry with myself at the moment. I normally shrug it off and say meh tomorrow is another day. Yes I started Insanity yesterday and I began working on my journey again with a fresh start but I can’t help but feel I failed myself. I know you only fail if you quit…but isn’t by me sabotaging myself telling myself I quit isn’t gaining back 14 pounds part of failing? I guess I’ll sleep it off and hope tomorrow I feel better and not look as bloated…

My progress over the last few months has failed. I’ve been able to maintain at 155 which I guess is better then gaining…But when I went to weight in for my biggest loser Challenge (Stupidly did it at night) I was up to 160…freaked me out and really made me start to realize what the hell am I doing. I’m going home to visit in a few weeks so I really want to show them I’ve improved and look better and yet sometimes I think I look like the same girl as I was when I was 180! I know it’s all mental tricks playing with me.

I did the Shaun T - Insanity fitness test on friday just to try it out! I think I’m going to do it again starting today and just start the whole 60 days today. Wish me luck! I’ll be posting my results and my journey of it starting tomorrow!

6thMay

Untitled

You say the girls who take psychology or want to get into psychology are fucked in the head, yet at the same time you conitnue to date the “same” type of womaen because in reality you are just as screwed up but refuse to admit it, but the no longer want to continue with them because at the same time they can get inside of your head and figure out you and that’s something you don’t want. Because in the end you want to think that you are perfect, can do no wrong and that everyone else around you are the fucked up ones.

26thApril

150

Yep…I started the detox (of course sunday fell off the band wagon) but I find it’s helped me a bit adding more veggies and fruit into the mix, because I am now down to 150 to my final last 10 pounds!!! I never thought I’d see that :)

So it’s been a 30 day detox from my ex I deleted his email and if he emails me it get’s sent straight to my trash bin. Of course I check it once in a while (I know bad!!!  I shouldn’t be checking it ever right? Because who cares if he emails me or not…he’s just a waste of space.) Anyways I’ve also decided to STOP talking so much about my relationship of course the things I say are pretty negative there for everyone has a negative affect about it. We’re not boyfriend and girlfriend and he doesn’t want that label. Fine by me, but if there’s no label that means I’m free to date others. (He is as well) We got into a fight and “broke up” over the weekend of course it was my doing and Sunday night he came over to talk to about. At a point I figured he didn’t care, but when he said he missed me too I thought why the hell not? I need to stop being such a basket case and looking for a stupid label. I don’t even know why I’m looking for the label I’m so much damn happier to begin with when I am “single”.

He told me I was no longer the I don’t give a shit girl that I was when we first started talking. No of course not since feelings clearly started to develop how can I still be the I don’t give a shit girl? I asked him if that’s what he preferred then and he said no, but he didn’t understand why I felt the need to define this thing because everyone else is questioning it. At that I saw his point of course me getting wrapped up in myself I was like what the fuck you know? So then I asked him yesterday if we were good and of course he said “I thought you said you were going to chill out a bit?” Okay that wasn’t the point I was asking I just wanted to know a simple yes or no answer if we were good? So whatever I’m just going to lay back and chill and do my own thing, which means if I get a date with another guy I will take it. Sure were “good” but we haven’t committed to each other we’re just “hanging out” which is his terms because he doesn’t feel he should have to put effort into just wanting good company and hanging out. He feels effort shouldn’t be played in until kids are involved. Which I think is stupid because everything needs effort into it and if you’re not willing to put effort into it, then why should I? but at the same time I think he’s all talk considering he did put effort into this weekend of the fights and the talking and the everything. So it must mean he does care or else he pretty much would have said fuck it. You ended it and you’re pulling this shit we’re done, over piss off. So as much as I don’t like to read between the lines I think with this one I will have to.

So good news, I’ve started a second job and the best thing about this job is I get tips! I seem to spend those lots, but now I’ve come up with a solution a goal. I can make between 5 to 10 dollars a night in tips sometimes more and if I save up until every Pay I can buy the things I want. Like this month I’m looking forward to buying the Jillian Unlimited book, but instead of breaking into my account and spending that money I should just save up and by the book using my Tips (and within two weeks if not sooner I’ll have the money for the book.). That way, 1 I kind of save money and 2, it’ll help me control my spending. (at least I hope…unfortunately I’m one of those people that as soon as I have money, I need to spend it right away! So I need to work on that…it’s like when you’re fat and you see a piece of cake and you know you’re not hungry but that cake looks so good, you eat it anyways and over stuff yourself. I get like that with food but I’m horrible with money.

I’ve maintained my weight between 153, and 155 I’m on TOM again because I thought it would be smart to start the pill but lately it’s turned me into a psychotic nagging bitch who wants to rip off everyone’s head and I don’t even need a good reason for it. Not to mention when the wrong thing is said to me I go off and get defensive and pissed off. So here I am on TOM for the second time this month. I’m going to start a 9day cleanse on Thursday I’ll probably last two days before I go back to eating which is fine. I think it’s time to get these last 15 pounds off, don’t you?!