Well today I started over… to the best of my ability. I ate a lean pocket for lunch, then although I really want to quit, I bought and drank a mountain dew. I know, I know… it won’t kill me. but I’m just so controlled by it that it’s somewhat annoying. I need to find a healthier caffiene outlet. I might start trying green tea. We’ll see what I think. I went to make dinner tonight. in the freezer were 2 Marie Callendar pot pies. I htought, “oh yummy.” guess what. 1020 calories! Gah, after my horrific weekend of paczkis and 1000 calorie slices of pizza this isn’t what I had in mind. Sometimes I greatly underestimate how many calories things contain. that’s ridiculous.
made me a failure. With a paczki in the morning and 3/4 of one tonight, I accquired 2,240 calories today. 540 more than I would like, at the most. without the paczki’s I would have been fine. Who in their right mind eats anything promoting a day with the word Fat in the title anyways. Tomorrow’s a new day. Every other day I fall off the wagon it seems. blah.
Went 105 over today…Maybe if it weren’t for eating like 10 pieces of chocolate….. :-/ I thought I was within my 1500-1700 range I was told was good for me! Oh well, tomorrow is another day, I just have to learn from it and move on… I am actually proud… I realllly wanted choclate syrup on my ice cream tonight [which I also could have ate less of], and I realllly wanted another mountain dew tonight, and I turned it down… baby steps, baby steps… eventually I would love to cut the pop out completely… right now it works for only a few days at a time, and learn to turn down/ cut into smaller portions the junk food… this is going to take longer than I anticipated, but I can and will do it!! I had this picture in my head of me working out hours a day and strictly dieting with no trouble and loving it, and the pounds just melting off, hundreds at a time! Unfortunately that isn’t reality. and I realize that now. Losing weight just like everything else takes time, it’s not an overnight thing! I’m just proud of my accomplishments so far. My effortsd to eat right, and the fact that I HAVE BEEN DOING THE 30 DS EVERY DAY FOR ABOUT A WEEK NOW!!!!! That’s huge… I mean, I know its only 20 minutes a day, but that’s just right for my schedule, and it gives e this huge feeling of accomplishment, when at the end i did it all even though it almost killed me! I guess I just feel better already about myself for trying, so I gotta keep on it!I’m even going to try and get up early Friday and work out before work, since I will be gone sat/sun and won’t be able to! Ok well bed for me now.
I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I’m not happy and I’m no fun.
Well…I chose opposing punctuation to describe how I’m feeling. Dorky I know, but the question mark is cuz I question whether or not it will last, but then I’m like no way it has to last!!!! So anywho I totaled out with 1609 calories tonight, and am going to do the 30 ds for the second night in a row… I keep seeing crazy gains and losses on the scale so I’m not sure what to think…gar. I have to do it this time. We went grocery shopping tonight and I wrapped my head back around healthy food, and now all the crap here has been eaten, so that’s helpful I’m so over being fat! On the bright side though, I bought two large sized skirts at my store yesterday and they were both too big! I mean, this sucks cuz they were only like $2 a piece…but it’s good because even though it’s likely a sizing flaw it made me feel skinnier! Also, I bought my fake tanner tonight so I was excited about that but I can’t use it till after the tatt…but I’m nervous about the tatt too, cuz that means people will see my gross strech marked belly this weekend….sigh… I don’t know…I’m trying to get my financial situation in order right now so… well. I’m out.
welll….the last 4 days I have:
ate like total crap
felt like total crap physically [ie stomachaches, heartburn,fatigue]
felt like crap emotionally [ie discouraged,weak, embarrassed]
looked like crap [ie bloated, dry skin]
that line 1st graders used to tease each other with is true. who’d have thought?
Well, we went out for dinner for V-day last night and at Wal-Mart afterwards when I was laughing about my cheating and having a fried sandwich and a huge strawberry daquiri with whipped cream on top I had this major lightbulb moment I can’t believe I didn’t have sooner: Cheating on my diet isn’t funny or cute. It only hurts ME. Im the one losing determination, I’m the one being weak, I’m the one that gets bruised and battered. Like, I’ve ate crappily for a few days now, and I don’t get it. I thought I was at that point people talk about where you’re ready to really try hard and lose the weight and you do whatever it takes to do so. I mean, I’ve tried to lose weight before, but I’ve never really visualized it and stuff the way I am this time [it's hard to explain] so this time I need to do it! I want it sooooo bad! I guess after a lifetime of getting away with downing basically whatever i want, falling off the wagon a couple of times is to be expected, the challenge is getting back on! It’s possiblew this will take longer than I anticipated, but hopefully I can overcome it! I’ve also realized this may be something in my personality. Like I’m have some financial problems now and they’re paralell to my food problems. I overdo it when I just don’t need it. In both scenarios I can even think to myself “I don’t need this”, but then I do it anyway. For example I had these little frosted brownies for my work party tonight and i ate so many I was like sick to my stomach I didn’t even want them anymore but I ended up eating them anyway! It’s like an obsession, and it NEEDS TO STOP. Right here.right now. I need to count every calorie and every dollar. I need to turn my life around. I’m fairly positive that if I had no debt and lost some weight my life would be close to perfect, so why am I preventing myself form being happy? It’s almost like i’m so scared to try and fail that I don’t try at all, which is just how I have always been. and I’m so over it.I want to be happy and be allowed to be fun and free and myself for once. It needs to start inside and out. It’s like I’m hiding.over and out yo.
I want to be the girl in the cute halloween costume
i want to be able to show off my tattoo
i want to be able to shop st specific stores that i cant now
and heck, i just want shopping to be easier in general, more availability,cuter choices
i want my bf to be able to give me piggy back ridea
i want to be more confident
i want to wear a bathing suit w/o feeling like a beached whale
i wat to outdo certain ppl
i dont want to be the fat friend
i’m sick of being asked if im pregnant
i want people to be like whoa, where did she come from
i want to feel better about myself
i don’t want my baby to have a fat momma
…granted these are all goofy, but…ya know.
Weird as it is I’m having problems getting enough of a caloric intake lately. I keep getting like 800-900 a day and have to keep eating even though I’m not hungry… I guess I’m just so used to all my calories coming from crap food that I don’t know what to do without it! 30 day shred starting tomorrow!I really am excited!
but only for today! I want to lose it so bad I could just choke myself! [only that's virtually impossible] Well I went to my mom’s tonight, and one little snack turned into a million, not to mention the broasted chicken she bought for dinner, and since I din’t have a lunch break today I totally ate 3 pieces…and 2 pops… and , well, I ended up eating 2,594 calories in about4 hours. That’s my mom’s house for ya. It’s filled with crap food, and my mom pushes it [even though she isn't a fattie], and I view it as some sort of exception and lose control.every time.and I need to stop and start controlling myself more, especially there. It’s just so tempting.ughhhhh… why couldn’t I have been born skinny, lol. Actually I’m pretty sure I was, we all were and I got myself into this mess, now I have to dig my way out, one day at a time…My calorie logging waves my successes and failures in my face and makes me accountable, so I need to keep doing that. and work on my mom’s. at least I learned a lesson now next time I can conquer it. can and will. Also I got the 30 ds tonight.woo-hoo! can’ wait to get started!