Confessions of a Carboholic

Angry Face…

Seriously, I feel like crap. I have bruises on my hands again which means I am anemic AGAIN. Usually coinsides with TOM, but sheesh I really need to figure out WHY. Iron levels and B12 are fine.

Weight bloated up and now is coming off again. Went to 215 now I am at 211, and falling.

I am at 70% of former level of soda consumption aiming for 50% next week and then 25% then 0%. Its hard to completely cut it out but I am working on it. It just makes me bloat too much.

My body hurts and aches, prolly having another immune system attack. Even if I got diagnosed with something the attacks wouldn’t stop they would just have a name then. Husband wants me to go back and reattack it with the doctors, but I am just tired of going. All I end up getting is the “YEP there’s something wrong, we don’t know what..”, but something is definetely wrong.

As for my diet… WEll accounting log call in

Monday:

Muffin, 320 Oatmeal with Craisins 300, Raisins and Craisins 200, Tea 50, WhataBurger with Fries 1100and Diet Coke Total 1970

Tuesday

Slimfast 180, Dogwood Sammy 210+100+100+100+100, Chinese Buffet 1200, Ice Cream with Berries 380, Total 2300 

Wednesday

Slim Fast, 180 Sausage Cheeseburger, 950 Mug of Root Beer, 120 Ramen, 380 Cheese, 100 deli meat, 60 and a slice of cheesecake no crust 180. Total 1970

Thursday

Slim Fast 180, Boneless Wings and Fries 910 with Ranch 125, Diet coke 0, Dinner?

Calories are getting no better, but I am seeing a pattern of over eating at lunch and dinner. I need to focus on making one or the other smaller. If I can cut dinner in half or lunch I can save about 500 calories, I can do the same by eating 3/4th at each juncture. I think I am going to begin to divide my plate and see how I feel at half way.

Anywhoozles I am tired so very drained and I didn’t get anything DONE AGAIN!

I am going home in a minute…

C Ya’ll..

Miss Catty

 

Zero weight loss so far, bloated and constipated.

ATE WAY too much yesterday, hubby made me breakfast, I had some cheesecake, and then follwoed that with a sammy and a 10″ pizza… hint the Pizza was WAY to much.

Saturday was okay, had breakfast, french toasts two eggs, and bacon, then had lunch, SUSHI! and had a small bowl of pot roast stew for dinners, little cheesecake as a side.

Friday had cheerios w/ banana and 2% milk, turkey wrap, fruit, and a 1/2 thai dish.

Monday.. low fat muffin cup of tea with a little honey bear squeeze.

Weight was constant maybe a little up right now. I KNOW i ate too much yesterday, friday was great saturday was alright, I should be losing but i am not exercising. I gotta stop that!

any woozles back to work…

Still trying to stay focused on my baby steps…

Miss Catty

Okie Dokie, So had lots of marital relations and now, thank you Non-oxy 9, I have a glorious yeasty thingy and a possible, if I am not fully deligent, bladder infection. Som’ Bitch!

It was totally worth it, totally would do it again, but come on, can I not have consequences of this variety?

Had my wretched slimfast thingy again. Yeah Jewlz they make me ravenous they taste like pure shitty sugar and wretched faux milk. I hate them, but baby steps onto that diet wagon. I did REALLY well yesterday. I had controlled calories for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Although I did eat Mcdonalds, I fed the fries to my dog, and ate a mc fish with a diet coke. SO, happy clap. I did eat some berries and crem fresh and a a peach soda at like 11 ish, but still was way below 2000 calories. I will be spread sheeting yesterday and happily.

I need to lay off soda as it adds water weight and doesn’t help me shed pounds, but ya know I can deal with that!baby steps.

I also gotta start planning and buying real foods for me to eat and pre-prepping. If I wanna get to 180 by june I have a humongous amount of effort to put out.

Maybe it is the dark dang days, I don’t want to move when I do get up. Or maybe I need to go and get checked for shit again, maybe something new is off.

I know everyone else on here would love to get rid of the spammers, and no matter how many times I report the bastards as spam they still haven’t stopped the UGG boots, Vigra (the way they spell it to get past the firewall) , or fishing scams. One request 3FC… just one little Request!

As for motivation, I don’t really have that much right now. I need to do a dream board, but I don’t feel like dedicating my afternoon to it. I have one massive file to dig through and about seven contracts to review, and another dozen to track down where they are in process with our customers.

Going to have lunch with an old friend. We were always constantly dieting bodies, over at the old hell hole. Maybe she has lost some poundage? I hope so, she getting thinner then me has always motivated my ass to diet harder!

Camille’s cafe is the place, going to do a quick interweb search to figure out what to order.

Miss Catty

 

Okay, so I keep forgetting its tuesday, and I have a feeeling that I am getting sick.

I also realized I forgot to add in a few of the beverages I drank this last weekend, a glass of orangette, a peach ne-hi with Gin, a peach soda, 2 mimosas, a grape Flavored NOS.

The rest of it was water or diet. So it could have been worse WAY WORSE.

I also made a baked apple dessert that I had one of last night. It was deelicious. Calories couldn’t have been too bad, but not that great either. Probably landed in around 1800 calories yesteraday

Any woozles, I had my slim fast, a green chili chimichanga, and a bag of baked lays. IT WAS SO TASTY. I cut up the chimichanga, and ate it with a chip for the crunch. I have to say, vending salt never tasted so great. That puts me at 10X my sodium but at 720 calories for the entire day at 2:30. I want something to drink so I am going to track down some tea, and drink it with Truvia.

As for emotional well being, I am setting myself up for a Challenge. My challenge is to blog 90% of the weekdays between now and February 14th, but also to catalog and CALORIE track everything I eat from today on. That is approximately 20 blogs, and 150 spread sheet entrees. My goal? 199#s by valentines day. Depending on the day that is 12 to 9 pounds away. Totally doable. I might have to go and roller skate or jog or something but DOABLE.

To be back below 200 pounds, not seen for 4.5 years, That will be a major accomplishment and may propell me towards my By June 2012 goal of 180 pounds.  

199 by 02-14-12. (yes its a math problem )

Dream board will be going up soon.

Love ya’ll Miss Catty!

 

 

Okay So time for self accountability, warning.. their may be marital relations comments. don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So Friday, I tried to make a plan, but failed miserably! I drank a slimfast on the way into work. (lets just say starvation sucks, and I hate that little bottle)

Lunch rolled around and a gal pal of mine is desperately unhappy. So enter in chicken enchiladas, rice and beans. (yeah did I mention the fact that I was feeling starved by that little bottle?

Then Dinner of fried chicken and mashed potatoes for four teenage boys, only ate two pieces and a serving of mashed potatoes, but I really didn’t have those calories to spare.

Sleep was well, marital relations filled the night every night this weekend!

Saturday, woke up late, fixed the boys french toast, with OJ. I had a slice and a cup of OJ.

Lunch was LATE, and was Jason’s Deli, turkey wrap, OMG YUM, and at very little calories, I was doing spot on.

Dinner? OMG DELICIOUS. husband was in a mood to pamper and boy oh boy did he. I had a steak dinner, with grilled asperagus, and grilled pineapple.

Sleep, again not much in teh way of that, infact I took a 4 AM break to get some strawberrries and cream cheese.

Sunday,

Breakfast in bed, crepes with home made crem fresh and berries. Devoured that no problem.

Wondered down stairs and about an hour or so later got “brunch” which was poached eggs, sauteed spinach, salty crunchy hasbrowns and salmon.

Lunch was skipped too full from brunch(s)

Dinner: plate of cheese fries split in half.

Monday:

Too much food over the weekend caused me to wait to eat until 4, so I had a 6″ sub sammich, and then followed that in three and a half hours with a 10″ personal pizza which I ate 2/3rds of.

Tueday:

Slim Fast ( STARVING RIGHT NOW) at 11:36

Need to ponder Lunch, dinner still confused about..

Wondering off to find food. May blog again later today to astually discuss some Emotions..

 

Kay Bye ya’ll!

 

 

 

Um, last night I had Panda Express for dinner, one chicken eggroll, plus the meat and mushrooms from a spicy beef with about a half a cup of white rice. Prolly only ate about a third of that box.

This morning! OY Vey! thought I could make it into work and eat oatmeal but the truth is, I am way to hungry to make the drive and have NO ability to resist the gas station food when I fill up. So I can either: run out of gas, feed my self at home, or become comfortable being tubbers. Seeing as 1 and 3 are REALLY bad ideas. I think I will go with feed my self at home. NOW to figure out HOW.  there are ways to make scrambled eggs ahead of time, and seeing as that is my favorite thing at subway right now maybe that should be a focus. I like green peppers, spinach, and tomatoes on my eggs, with a little bread, if I can get to making sammy bites BEFORE the week maybe I can get ahead of making BAD decisions? Pre packaging my meals isn’t that hard, I just GOTTA DO IT! So tomorrow I PLAN my lunch and breakfast and “DINNER” for the next two weeks. I will factor in a few subway stops, or possible fast food days. I can eat somethings twice in a row, but not often. PLANNING I WILL PLAN. In fact… look for a page for pre-planned meals for week 2. Then I will make them, and then I will tell ya’ll how much I was on target for the week. Take control one week at a time! I have a vacation that I want to go on in August. I want to set a NEW goal. My weight isn’t being very speedy, so I will state that my goal is to be less than 175 pounds by AUGUST. That is 35-40 pounds, or around 5 pounds a month.

As for motivation, I am on here for the fourth day in a row. Not saying that I am 100% back to my blogging ways, but on the right track, I am!

Been trolling some other blogs, ladies your negetivity towards yourselves and foods! Look I know I shouldn’t have gotten that maple glazed cinnamon roll, but I did. Am I going to call myself Fatty McFatterson over it? NO.. well I might but only as a joke.

I wanted that, becuase I wanted something sweet. I knew it was bad for my waste line, but NORMAL people eat this shit. The difference between them and I? I USED to follow it up with a 32 oz, full sugar soda, a candy bar as a snack, a full lunch, and a plate full of carbs and fatty meat for dinner.  I am cutting out the sodas, candy bars, the size of my lunchs, and adding a few less carbs and a few more veggies, and a little less fatty meat to that dinner plate., yep, and you should be too, but don’t try and justify or excuse eating bad foods, try to make them WORK in your DAILY calorie count!

It may take me a very long time to get to that perfect size, but when I do, i did it realistic, and naturally! Then I did it RIGHT? And then I can MAINTAIN it!!!!!!!! The purpose of weight loss isn’t to get that perfect body tomorrow its to HAVE THAT BODY for as long as age will let me!

Can I get an AMEN? 

Stop picking on your body parts! In fact I am issuing a challenge. A throw down so to speak. Pick your most HATED feature. Then write a love letter to it. Got some pillowy arms, tell it how much you appreciate it when you are sitting in bed watching tv,  how essential it is when snuggling up with your, cat, dog, significant other, and how soft the skin is, how wonderful it is to hug people. Get the drift? NO NEGETIVITY! NONE!

Your body is you! You may not like it, you may hate that it isn’t something else, but love it RIGHT NOW. Cause tomorrow, you could be horrible ill, fighting for your life! You might be in a car wreck and lose your Mcfatty leg. Then you will miss the hell out of it won’t you? Why pick on yourself today, better choices EVERYDAY make a better tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean HATE where you are NOW. Don’t covet they neighbor’s (wife, chattels, etc.). Also don’t covet their physique! They might have stomach ulcers, or be sour to the core, or have some horrible tastebud disorder and not be able to taste the wonderfulness that is pumpkin pie on thanksgiving day. EACH DAY love yourself. Your parts, and pieces, your whole. You can love something and still work on making day to day better. I LOVE my body, but it doesn’t need to be fed junk, it deserves healthy food, but not through deprevation of tasty stuff.

 I think I ranted enough..

Miss Catty

 

 

Kay today’s eating.. superb.

Last nights eating.. non-existent.. so not superb but not bad either.

This morning. I ate

1 6″ flatbread egg white sammy no cheese, bacon, but with lite mayo.

Drinking DIET Cranberry drink.. 3 liters by end of day cause the nether regions are pissy..  this calcualtes to 60 calories..

For Lunch?

I am not feeling frozen dinner riffick.. but I need to eat something.. and Oatmeal sounds wretched. (walk away from computer go to lunch at an awesome diner) Walk away with green chilli french fries and unsweetened iced tea.

Horrible calories but tasted beyond awesome.

For Dinner:

Not entirely sure I will eat after physical trainer. But if I do it will be lasagna, as james dear fixed spam and eggs last night.

Motivational quest:

After my nightmare board (see page link), I was more motivated then I have been. Still baby stepping, but I feel more compelled to try.

I think I will need to do another dream board sense I had to stop doing derby due to dad and family. See if I can find internal motivations, or maybe some fashionable clothes..

Not feeling all that wonderful, had to take a pain pill and that makes me numb, kinda have that disassociated artist thing going.

Have fun ya’ll.

Miss Catty 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, I know over achieving two posts one day… but I needed to do something creative.

I have read about the lose the hate challenge. And self affrimation may work for some, but they most certainly don’t work for me, as I am still not an actual princess of fairy land. But dammit, i self affirm EVERY DAY!

Just kidding ya’ll, well sorta… I am a princess… but not of fairy land, and even if no one wants to come along and give me a crown doesn’t make me any less of a princeess.

I needed to work on some inner demons. I have been pretty good at silencing thier voices. Now, I think they are working a little quieter. Holding me back all secretive like. Invading that moment where I make choices, work out, exercise, eat right, etc. Not out on strike, not screaming at me, but doing an insidious slow walk. this is even more frustrating, head on conflict is what I am good at.

So, I went google image searching, I typed in all those words, and searched through the pictures, some of them made me sad. Others made me mad, but they were all words that I have said to myself in the past. Words that have STUCK with me.

I looked up demons, inner demons, fat, ugly, fugly, thunder thighs, and I grabbed the images that most spoke to me, and then I searched for other things. those killers that create that negetivity, cupcakes, cheesecakes, chips, cookies, and then grabbed those images.

I put them together, and created this board. I am not trying to focus on the negetivity, nor am I trying to give it street credibility. I am trying to explore what is holding ME BACK from MY GOALS.

Give me some feedback on what you think of my Inner Demons “Nightmare” Board.

 

Miss Catty 

Tired.. and well eating wasn’t spectacular..

Morning:

Healthy Start Pumpkin Ravioli thingy.. 260 calories. Blueberry muffin (devoured whole), Two mini Sausage rolls

Lunch

Trying to decide to eat or not to eat given the munchies I indulged in earlier.. I think I will cause I am developing a headache.. Forgot my meds so most likely the reason I devoured those things..

Dinner:

Lasagna (whew, so glad I went to the grocery store, I have better portion control when I am home with normal meals)

Motivation Quest:

Still running on fumes. I went blog trolling read a lot of great things about other peoples struggles. They made me feel supportive and rally cry, but with no ability to charge. I just don’t seem to have much “fight” in me. I even went to Oprah and scrolled through diet success stories. I just feel BLAH.

the self affirmation I tried out, and while I didn’t really feel that anyone were 100% true, i didn’t feel like they were in applicable to me.

So now I gotta look myself in the eyes and see if I am HAPPY at this weight. The answer is… Well I’ll get back to you ladies on that.

If the answer is no? If its yes? Warning I will now share a secret to having a successful and fullfilling life. you got two choices in life, make yourself happy with the (whatever it is), or change it.

So maybe that will give me sheer will power or begin an acceptance of size 16 hips.

I am nto calorie counting yet, just writing it down, I’ll go back and count these at the end of the week, adn see if I can gain any introspection.

Peace out, ya’ll..

Back to work, Back to Blog.

Seriously. I have had a hard time getting back on this diet wagon. I am 210 pounds, and motivation less.

Not that I don’t WANT to lose weight, there is just something holding me back. (newsflash its probably me)

So today. I shall begin my food log. Its really the only thing that helps, it sucks, I hate the obsessiveness of food and my mouth but, here she goes.

This morning:

Craisins, Golden Raisins, donut glazed (stupid coffee stop at gas station when filling up)

This afternoon:

Oatmeal, Craisins, truvia, tea, two mini candy bar thingies (dark chocolate milky way and a twix)

This Evening:

Unknown became: 12″ subway eggs and chese sammy with light mayo, and a 110 calorie acai berry drink.

(now, needing to realize that 12″ of sammy goodness was excessive!)

Physical Trainer: Cute and Fun… but scientifcally a little clueless.

I drink TEA, green tea, herbal tea, no caffiene kinda tea. I am not giving that up for plain water, it is not dehydrating. There are scientifc studies. I looked them up.  I will however make the attempt to drink more plain water..

I also will not be giving up fat, eating fat free cream cheese, fat free eggs, or fat free milk, is atrocious. Fat is not the reason I am fat, calories are. So figuring out the caloric difference and eating them with fat will be my goal. Too many studies out there that says that your brain registers fat better then any other food source when registering ”full”.

Kay’ rant done. Now to ponder why I am on my mesa…

Is it that I am not ready to be comfortable with strangers checking me out? Is it that I am not ready to realize how fat I am right now? Is it that I am uncomfortable losing weight because I am scared at wanting to lose even more, being ultimately unsatisfied?

Am I just lazy? Am I just depressed?

Is there any question that I need to look at? or any childhood moment or college moment?

I think I am going blog reading to see if anyone else has a nugget of truth that I need to have bonk me over the head.. .

 

Miss Catty