Ok, this is an angry rant coming. In fact I’m not sure if it’s a rant or rather flat out anger and pure frustrations times 100 spewing out of me here but I need to get it out.
The other day I was reading a post on another forum (not 3fc’s) where this girl was complaining about being fat. She was whining and moaning and poooooor meing up a storm. She was talking about all the quick fixes and fad diet’s she’d been on, all the diet pills and crazy liquid only crap she’d done only to gain it all back and more. She talked about how she KNEW how to do it right, by counting calories and exercise but gave a slew of excuses as to why she couldn’t do it that way. “I don’t have time to exercise or make healthy meals.” “I don’t have access to healthy foods at work.” “My husband and my kids don’t understand.” Whaaa wahhhh wahhhh! She went on and on about how it was so unfair and her body just wouldn’t let her lose the weight. How she wanted it to just magically come off by popping some pill and when it came down to doing what really needed to be done to lose, she would give excuse after excuse after excuse!
It made me mad reading it. So mad in fact I had to leave the computer and do something else before I replied with a very nasty, get off your ass and stop making excuses type post. After all the work I’ve put in to lose what I have so far (and all the work to come to lose the rest and maintain) and then to listen to some little whiny person talk about not wanting to be fat but not wanting to DO anything about it made my blood boil.
Then this morning while taking my post workout shower I started thinking about it again and I tried to figure out why it made me so mad. Then it hit me . . omg . . . OMG . . . that was ME!! I was that whinny, excuse ridden, poor me, girl! I walked around feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, wanting to change but I wouldn’t DO what it took to change anything! I made excuses, I refused to give up anything and make sacrifices to obtain what I wanted. And then I had the audacity to walk around and feel sorry for myself!
I just about threw up! I am so disgusted with myself for being that person! How could I walk around acting like that and not even notice? When I read that girls post and got mad I wasn’t getting mad at her, I was getting mad at MYSELF.
I was lazy, self indulgent, undisciplined and I wanted to stay that way AND have all the things people who work their asses off (literally) have. I wanted to stay up late and play and snack, I wanted to eat as much junk as I wanted, I wanted to sit around on my ass all day AND be thin and healthy! WHAT THE HELL?? How didn’t I see what I was doing?
I am so embarrassed.
UGH! I am so glad I got fat. I am so glad for ever ounce of fat I gained. Because if I’d been able to live the way I was living and stay thin I would never have learned the lessons I’ve learned. I would never have been able to feel pride in knowing I’m taking care of myself and in having a body that shows it. I would have stayed that child, because that’s what I was acting like, a child. Poor me, feel sorry for me, somebody else fix this for me. I’m an adult, I can tell myself NO now, I can make myself get up and do things even when I would much rather just stay in bed, I can be around ANY type of food now and pass it up, I can set goals and keep them and best of all, I can take responsibility for what I’ve done to myself.
So this was a rant about myself or rather my past self. I wont be that child ever again now that I see her for what she is. I only hope I can find all these ugly little parts of myself (and I know there are more) and run them off like I have this one.
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