A Binger’s Rehab

Day 2 Grade:  F

Yesterday I did GREAT!  First day in a very very long time my eating was on track for losing weight, and my exercise as well.  Today I am sleep deprived so my challenge will be to stay on track even though I am extremely tired.  I’ve always binged on sleep deprived days.

Today’s Plan:  

Eating: 1400 calories, 3 meals, no snacks

Exercise: TBD  I am afraid to set a goal here since I am so sleep deprived.  My 9 month old was up every 3 hours then at 5 am.  I am a zombie.

 

Today’s Action:

Eating:

Breakfast: 

1 cup cherries  (75)

Banana (75)

Egg whites (120)

Swiss cheese (140)

Salsa (25)

= 435

Lunch:

Squash

2 choc covered bananas

= 360

 

Snack:

Salad with tomatoes and Goddess Dressing (160)

Pirate Booty - 2 oz (260)

= 420

Snack:

1 cup cherries (100)

2 cups ben and jerry’s ice cream! (620)

Continued to binge throughout the evening on whatever.  I let my fatigue and stress get the best of me.

Total: WAY OVER 1400

One of my top rewards for losing at least 1/2 of the 70 lbs:  water parks!

I cannot wait to be able to go with my girls to a water park and not want to hide myself.  Right now I won’t even join our community pool because my body is so disgusting in a bathing suit.  However, my plan is to get a good portion of the weight off and go to a water park and be able to play with my kids in a bathing suit — no cover up!  That will be sooo awesome!  

In those children’s play areas there is nowhere to hide, either.  The water is shallow so you cannot hide in the water.  It will be so nice to NOT care! 

I also cannot WAIT to wear shorts again!  These are just the kind I will wear - they look really comfortable.  I’d say I probably won’t be really comfortable in shorts until October, when I plan to be down to about 165 (size 12), but I’ll still wear them at size 16 or 14.  I HAVE to — I can’t stand to be hot!

Okay, now I have entered into the time period where in the past (daily) I have done the most damage eating-wise.  This is when I have put my 9 month old to bed for the night (yeah, right!) and have given my 5 year old a bath.  She is now in my bedroom watching tv, which she likes to do after her bath and usually with a snack but tonight she has eaten a LOT of dinner so no snack.

Anyway, this is when I would come into the kitchen and raid the cupboard and fridge.  Some bingeing foods would be:

- Anything sweet I might have in the cupboard for my 5 year old’s treats:  Plum Sweets, cookies, etc.

- Multiple bowls of cereal with milk and maple syrup (usually Raisin Bran)

- Cheese and crackers

- Daughter’s left over dinner, if it still looked good (pizza would be tempting, along with her left over crusts!)

- Peanut butter with jelly or honey or syrup (not usually with bread.  Not sure why I didn’t just make a sandwich.)

Why the food fest?  I guess I would eat my stress away.  Soothe away any frustrations from dealing with my daily tasks of caring for two kids and anything else that was stressful about my day.

Tonight will be different.  No bingeing!

8:12pm:  Well, so far things have worked in my favor by husband getting home earlier than usual and 5 yo daughter going to bed early, so I’m going to bed to keep myself on the straight and narrow!  This will be the first day in a very very long time that my eating and exercise have been on track.  Excellent.

 

I really love this dress.  It’s from Ann Taylor Loft.   I haven’t worn a pretty dress in about 10 years (I don’t count the matronly looking things I was forced to buy to wear to weddings, etc. that I had to wear spanks under and a cover for my arms).  I look forward to wearing a dress this fall and NOT having my legs rub together.   I can picture wearing this at 145 lbs, in a size 8.

Day 1 Grade:  A

(I would give it an A+ but cut my workout to only 20 mins instead of the planned 30 mins)

Well, how is this day different from yesterday, day before and beyond?  How will I stop myself from binge eating?  Well, I have this blog to go to instead of the food.  Let’s see how that serves me.

Today’s Plan:  

Eating: 1400 calories, 3 meals, no snacks

Exercise: 30 minutes cardio

 

Today’s Action:

Eating:

Breakfast: Skipped breakfast in favor of an early lunch/brunch.  I was really busy getting everyone off to camp (dd5), work (husband), and nap (dd9mos).

Brunch: (I’ll call lunch “brunch” today since it was at 10:30.)  

Grilled chicken salad with feta cheese and basalmic dressing (from takeout the night before)

1 cup cherries

= 570 cals

Snack:

Choc covered banana (130)

Squash (100)

Turkey - 2 oz (50)

Lettuce with Miso dressing (60)

= 340

Dinner:

Grilled chicken salad with tomato and Annie’s Goddess Dressing (330)

Rachel’s Plum Honey Lavender yogurt (what?!?):  (150)

Total: 1380 cals

Remaining: 20 cals

 

Exercise:

10 mins stair climber (burned 75 cals)

10 mins treadmill (burned 75 cals)

= 20 mins (they were closing the daycare at my gym early so I had to cut my workout short)

 

Emotional stuff:

I was thinking this morning, I never wanted my life to be just about my weight, but it has been most of my life.  I started gaining weight I think at age 4 or 5, and went on to be a chub through middle school.  Then in 8th grade I decided NOT to be FAT in high school, so I quickly lost probably about 25 or 30 lbs ( I was never huge but was definitely chubby enough to be called fat by my peers).  I kick started my weight loss then by taking diet pills.   However, I stopped taking them after a few months and started exercising, and also joined the track team.

I kept my weight off until the end of high school, then after graduation ballooned up to 196.  I saw I was headed for the 200’s and lost weight.  At that time I think I was successful because I sold my car, moved to a neighboring college town, started walking everywhere, changed jobs  and began taking college courses.  I also had the goal to transfer to a big 10 University and didn’t want to be fat while I was there.  I managed my weight from then on, going up and down about 15 lbs but never getting to be too fat, but never reached my goal of being under a size 10.

Now it seems that the last 10 or so years has been all about my weight.  I’m sure everyone in my family talks about how fat I’ve gotten, how I struggle with losing and probably how I’ll always be fat now and will die early from obesity related disease.  I’m hoping that I can put this whole weight thing behind me once and for all.  Even though I am 40, I still think I look relatively young despite the fat.  And I don’t feel that old except for carrying all the weight.  My hair isn’t grey yet and I don’t have too many wrinkles.  I think I can still squeeze a few good looking years out of myself if I can take the weight off NOW.  Of course not NOW since it isn’t an overnight process even if you eat perfectly and exercise every day.  But if I resist bingeing from now on, I think I can get there by Thanksgiving of this year.

This blog is titled “A Binger’s Rehab” because I have an addiction to bingeing that has gone on most of my life.  I have been able to temper it throughout m 20’s but lost control in my 30’s.  I will use this blog to journal my effort to rehabilitate myself and lose 70 lbs in the process.

About me:

I am a married 40 year old mother of two girls, ages 5 years old and 9 months.  My weight has been beyond 200 for a good several years.  In 2006 I thought I was finally taking control and got down to 185 through diet and running (even ran a 5k!) but then went on vacation and when I came back, for some reason I continued the vacation by not exercising and continually overeating.  I gained the 20+ lbs back plus more.

I vowed to lose the weight before I hit 40, but here I am, almost 41 and heavy as ever.  Now it’s not just a vanity thing but also a health matter.  I am scared to death that my weight will finally catch up with me and the health problems will begin.  

This time it’s for my health, on top of all the other reasons.  I have a lot to live for with two little girls, one JUST BORN 9 months ago!  No way will I let this food addiction ruin their lives.  Or mine.  Or my husband’s.

You are invited to watch me do it.  One day at a time.