Thinking about my major weight gain….

Posted by mckenziesmomma on May 29th, 2009 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

I’ve been thinking about the time when I put on the majority of my weight.

I have put on 50 pounds since 2004 when I got married.

I put on 25 pounds between the time I gradutated highschool in 1999 until 2004

All in all the past 10 years I have put on 75 pounds. I would call that pretty major. I think it is amazing how quickly the past 10 years have went by. I have been through alot of changes in the past 10 years…graduating high school and saying goodbye to all my friends, moving away and going to college (but only for a semester), I ended a BAD relationship and started a GOOD one, I quit a job and was unemployed for a while and lived off credit cards, I finally got a job working in an office, I quit that job, I went back to work at McDonald’s, I got married, I had a baby…..and I’m sure I’m leaving out alot. It is just amazing to me all the changes that took place in my life that I just didn’t think were a big deal.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I don’t realize how quickly time is going by! I just go day after day living life and letting things happen to me rather than taking control of my life and MAKING THINGS HAPPEN FOR ME! I remember when I graduated high school it was such a hard transition for me. Here I had went my whole life my parents/teachers telling me where to be and when and what to do and magically one day POOF…I was an adult, and I was supposed to make my own decisions. WHAT? I had no clue what to do. Sure…go to college….but I spent 13 years of my life a certain way with certain people and then all the sudden I graduated and they are all gone. Everything changed in ONE day! WOW! Imagine how that must be for a kid at 18 years old. I guess most people handle it okay, but for years after I graduated I can remember thinking about school and how things used to be. I think this was one of my main problems…..one of the things that started me emotionally eating.

Other problems followed……I started a relationship with the most awesome guy (who is now my husband). He had a rough life and when we started dating he was giving it his all to try to get through school. He had an old junker car that stayed broken down which meant alot of his money was put into keeping it running….he would borrow my car when I could let him use it….but no one seemed to care other than me. No one seemed to be there for him….no one wanted to help him. He would drive 50 minutes one way to school…and then he would work after school….then he would study hard and do homework. I remember being so proud of him. It seemed like all the odds were against him…yet he still did it. He worked really hard…and through all of it he still had time to love me. In spring of 2000, his step dad died. I know this sounds horrible, but it truely was a blessing in disguise because his step dad kind of kept his mom from the family. With his step dad out of the way my husband (then boyfriend) had his mother back. His sister also had a baby that summer (July 2000). All the sudden these two really important people…and a baby jumped into my husbands life. I was really jealous…REALLY JEALOUS….and mad. Where the hell where they at when he was struggling and needed help? Now they are just gonna jump into his life and need/want things from him…need/want his help when they didn’t help him when he needed it….and I was there and felt like I was getting a little left out…like I was being replaced….like I wasn’t important. I was the one that was there for him when no one else was.

Alot has changed since then….lots of fighting…and lots of good times too. In 2002 he graduated and got a good job. He started working out. Again I felt like this was something else that took him away from me. He has continued working out since 2002, and he is all muscled up and lookin’ good, he has a degree and this great job, he has his family……I feel like I was just a stepping stone to get him through everything. I feel like now that he is successful and has his family and looks smokin’ hot that he doesn’t need me or want me.

 

But he married me in 2004…and now we have a child…and when I think about all the “bad” times most of them result from me! I can be so mean and defensive sometimes. I think I’m just so self consciencious and paranoid that he doesn’t love me or something that I become such a b-i-t-c-h. Then I eat emotionally from saddness and anger…..I use food to comfort me cause food is always there. I know most of this “stuff” that has been a problem for me through the years is probably just all in my head….like when he started spending more time with his family…..or when he started working out and feeling better about himself. I dont want to keep him down…I want to lift him up. But I feel like I have let him down…..I have been so mean….I have let myself go…I have gained alot of weight…ALOT of weight.

I know I can lose weight…it is just a matter of actually doing it. It is so much easier to just eat what I want and sit on my butt. I know that I will have a much better life/marriage/etc. when I let myself get healthy and lose weight….

Anyways…these are just some things I have been thinking about and dealing with and wanted to get off my chest!


« go back