Thoughts getting in the way?

Posted by mckenziesmomma on March 7th, 2010 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

For as long as I can remember, I have been planning and trying to lose weight. I have been on this site now for 2 years almost. I keep trying to think back to what my biggest obsticals are, and I think I know now….ITS ME! Its my thoughts….my planning. So…here is my cycle.

–> Get a plan together and get super motivated.

–> Start working my plan.

–> Start tweaking my plan before I ever have any chance to see results because I think I can lose more weight.

–> Get discouraged because time seems to be dragging by and because not losing as much weight as I “think” I should.

–> Start cheating a little here and there….

–> Don’t lose much if any weight…

–> Give up

 

Yeah…so thats it in a nutshell…over and over and over. There isn’t anything wrong with the plans that I originally try to do other than me just getting in the way. So, why do I feel like I have to tweak my plan before I get results? Why do I focus only on weight loss and not on living life? Why am I letting this rule my life? Why am I not taking charge and doing something?

 

It almost seems silly to me. I think to myself…..5 lbs would be super easy to lose, and if I lost 5 pounds a month for 2 years that would be 120 pounds! I would weigh 145! So…I could easily get to my goal. Why do I stand in my own way?

 

I think if I just work my plan and DO IT…and quit thinking about weight loss….it will all take care of itself.

So that is what I aim to do. I’m gonna develop a plan and then just do it. I will weigh in once a month. BUT THAT IS IT! No more spending hours a day calculating how much weight I can lose. I’m just gonna do this. At the end of the month if I lost what I wanted to then fine….I will keep doing what I’m doing. If I didn’t lose what I wanted to then I will tweak my plan….but then and ONLY THEN!

 

So….what am I going to do with all that other time that I have been wasting? Spend it with friends…family…cleaning house…running errands…pampering myself…playing with my daughter…working on lesson plans…gardening…exercising…etc!

I think if I can just get out of my own way I can do this….I KNOW I CAN!

Starting day 1……again

Posted by mckenziesmomma on January 4th, 2010 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

So I set a few general goals for this week:

Exercise - 30 minutes everyday minimum -DONE

Food - 1800 calories per day / at least one fruit and one veggie per day / eat every 3 hours - Fruit - DONE

Water - 20 oz or more per day / only one soft drink per day / work on increasing water

Vitamins - Take prenatal vitamin every morning. - DONE

 

not doing a whole lot of planning….I have spent way too much time doing that! So, I’m up and Adam this morning…..I’m gonna go take my vitamin, eat breakfast, get ready, and go work out! Then I have a few errands to run so I’m gonna get that done real quick and then come home and eat a snack…..then pay bills and straighten up…have some lunch then the rest of the day is mine!

Guess who’s expecting?

Posted by mckenziesmomma on January 3rd, 2010 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

That’s right ladies and gentleman. I am 8 weeks pregnant. I weighed in at 270 at my first OB appointment. This means that if I don’t get things under control fast, I will be well over 300 pounds by the due date of August 14th.  UHHHHH how bout NO! So, I’m not doing a whole lot of planning and such on losing weight, but I’m just going to focus on what I need to do to be healthier. Starting NOW!

So here are some goals for my first week- Jan 4 - 10

Exercise - 30 minutes everyday minimum….NO EXCUSES….get up and get it done as early as you can!

Food - 1800 calories per day / at least one fruit and one veggie per day / eat every 3 hours

Water - 20 oz or more per day / only one soft drink per day / work on increasing water

Vitamins - Take prenatal vitamin every morning.

 

Just gonna get through week one. I got this!!!!

Planning on Planning???

Posted by mckenziesmomma on October 24th, 2009 |Filed Under General | 1 Comment

So the title says it ALL. I’m always planning on how I’m going to lose weight (or how I plan on losing weight), but I NEVER do it or stick with it. I have decided that I have to at least get started.

So….rather than making a big long detailed plan yet again all I’m gonna do is set 3 broad goals for this week. They are #1. No eating out, #2. Exercise 30 minutes 3 times this week, and #3. Drink at least 20 oz of water a day.

All of those things will help me work toward my goal of losing weight…..I just have to get started. I have to stop putting it off for another day. Its amazing how fast time goes by. I remember last year on Christmas Day looking so fat in all the pictures and feeling so out of place and embarrassed. I swore that this Christmas would be different. I would feel and look better, but I kept putting it off….after all I had plenty of time right? Wrong…..Christmas is about 2 months away. I can’t believe I do this. Why? Why do I do this? Why do I eat the way I do? Why do I NOT exercise or do anything active? Why do I keep allowing myself to be unhappy and unhealthy?

 

I am going to put more focus into finding the answers to those questions rather than planning all the time how I’m going to lose weight. 

Opening up a door for myself…..

Posted by mckenziesmomma on October 17th, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

Yesterday was my 5 year wedding anniversary. Tonight my husband and I are treating ourself to Japanese. It is a very rare occasion that we have Japanese simply because it is sooooo expensive. As I was getting ready to out, I found myself trying on several different outfits….trying oh so desperately to find one that makes me look thinner. I finally came to this conclusion……I am really fat. Now I know that may sound terrible, but its the truth. I’m morbidly obese. You can’t hide that. You can cover up all you want, but the fact remains that nothing will make what is big…become small…or look small. The only thing I can do is eat right, exercise, and stick with it. I can have realistic goals and rewards. I can get to a place I’m comfortable, but I think I had to realize that is the only way I can “look” thinner…and feel better about myself.

 

In the mean time, I’m just going to have to learn that yes…I’m fat. I can’t magically make myself thinner, but if I work at it little by little I can make myself look thinner.

I’m opening up a door for myself…….inside that door is a world full of opportunities to make myself healthier. Only I can close that door….and only I can keep it open…..and only I can actually walk through that door and do what it takes to reach my goals.

I’m going to stay positive. I’m going to understand that this is going to take time. I’m going to understand that I’m going to have slip ups and splurges, and when this happens, I will just accept it and get back on track.

 

I will NOT make excuses as to why I can’t eat right or why I can’t exercise. I just won’t do it.

 

I will eat out less often, and when I do eat out, I will make better choices.

I will drink more water (starting at 20 oz a day and slowly working myself up to a minimum of 64 oz a day)

I will exercises at least 3 times a week for an hour at a time.

I will do both cardio and strength training

Finally, I will NOT weigh myself everyday. Furthermore, I will not base my progress by a number on a scale because its so much more than that. Its challenging myself to be able to do more at the gym (add more weight, try a new exercise, go longer/harder/faster on the treadmill/elliptical, take some new exercise classes). Its noticing that my clothes are fitting  looser and that I’m going down in clothes sizes. Its taking the initiative to try more healthy foods to expand my menu and prevent boredom and splurging. Its feeling like I’m accomplishing something for ME! And I know I can do this…..I know I can! 

July 27, 2009 ~ Feeling determined

Posted by mckenziesmomma on July 27th, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

I’m determined to be happy…and determined to make my family happy too. This includes doing the love dare on my hubby! I’m almost done w/ day one, and I’m already thinking of what I’m going to do for day two. I’m losing weight…keeping the house clean…and cooking at home more often as well as following a budget. I feel like there is nothing I can’t do. To reward myself I purchased a couple tickets to a football game in November. I think it will be a great get-away for me and the hubby. By then I should have lost 30 pounds and weigh 230 or less. Hopefully I can keep the house clean and finish the Love Dare by then!

July 22 ~ More of the usual.

Posted by mckenziesmomma on July 22nd, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

So, today I got myself all hyped up and excited about the possibility of going on a cruise in June. I thought it would be a great vacation for the family and a great way to celebrate my graduation. I spoke to someone at Carnival Cruise lines that was very helpful. I really felt like we could make the down payment on the cruise now and make payments over the next 9-10 months for the rest. The whole package was going to be $870.00. This was to include food and everything. I was so excited. All I had to do was get the hubby’s okay and see how he felt when he came home from lunch. Of course, I don’t know why I get my hopes up….it is always the same old thing with him. We can’t afford it…or wait till you graduate and get a job. The thing is I have a job right now that is part time….that can be full time whenever I want it to. I definately disagree. I think we could afford this. I think it would be great, but he is such a freakin’ downer. I swear he never says yes to anything that I want….OHHHHH but if he wants a $700 camera he can do work on the side and use that money to get a stupid camera. I just feel like I’m not important to him anymore. He doesn’t even think or care about what makes me happy. He doesn’t stop to think about my feelings….he justs says no. Then I get all sad and disappointed. I just wanna be happy. I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of never getting to do anything or go anywhere. I’m tired of how he acts around me. I’m tired of being unhappy.

However, I can’t help but wonder if things could be different. I wonder if I tried a little harder to make him happy would he try a little harder to make me happy? What if I did “The Love Dare”…..what if I kept the house clean….what if I focused on him and the baby and their happiness….what if I followed/stayed on/or even came in under a budget…..what if I really took care of myself and lost some weight? Would I be happier? Would he be happier? Would we all be happier? Maybe I should give it a try…and of course stick to it and not stop when the going gets tough. This is important to me.

So…. for two months I’m going to make this a priority. I’m going to be more organized, clean the house/keep it clean, focus on him and his needs and the baby, stay on/come in under budget, save some money, and lose weight. I think I could save up at least $200 - $300 dollars in 2 months and lose 20 pounds. I can definately do this, and maybe just maybe if I do it and do really well and make him happy…maybe he will want me to be happy. Maybe he will give in to something I want. Maybe he will see how badly I want it. Maybe things will be different. If not…..all I can do is keep trying as hard as I can to make him see…..give it another 2 months…another 20 pounds…another $200-300….by that time it would be around the first of December…I would weigh 222 and have $400-$600 and still have 6 months till the cruise to lose around 50 pounds and save up $400 - $200.

Surely if I do it all the way till June he won’t say no…..and if he does still act the same…I guess I can use the money I save for a divorce. Maybe that will make him happy? I don’t want to think about that right now…it just makes me feel even more depressed. I know he loves me. He does so much for me. I should appreciate him more and not be this way. He is just thinking of the future and making sure we don’t run out of money before I graduate college and get a job. But I just hate hearing no all the time. I honestly don’t even know why I try anymore….I’m so physically tired now that all I want to do is sleep.

July 16th ~ Week 2

Posted by mckenziesmomma on July 16th, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

So, yeah I’m posting half way through week 2. Of course, I didn’t get all the way through week 1. I feel like I haven’t even attempted week 2, but I feel like I have been so freakin’ busy. Last week I just wanted to work on going to bed at a good time (around 9-9:30pm) and getting up at a good time (no later than 7:30am so I could take a quick shower before the hubby leaves). I didn’t get that accomplished. I didn’t eat on plan or exercise either, but I’m not here to dwell on the past. Rather, I’m here to try to figure out what went wrong. I need to try to stop this downward spiral before it is too late.

I really think my problem is that I have too much on my plate at once…so I just don’t do anything. My house is a mess, I’m trying to lose weight, I have some school work I need to get done for my portfolio before school starts back, I want to play with and take care of McKenzie, I want me time, I want time for the hubby and family, I have a new job, I want to get my family back in church and thanking God for all our blessings, I have got to start following a household budget, and who knows what else…LOL. I get so overwhelmed that I just don’t do anything, so today I’m going to make a list of all the things I need to accomplish. Once I have that list I’m going to prioritize it into the things that are the most important. Once I have it prioritized…I will make a plan that will allow me to execute it …..

I just feel like if I don’t get things in order I will keep going at this rate…which is very slow. I can do better.

I will post more when I have my “list” done.

*** EDIT TO ADD “LIST” ***

So here are the things I feel like should matter most in my life, why, and how I can get them in my life in an organized fashion. So…without further adue….here it is in order from most important to least.

#1. God - God has been so good to me throughout my whole life….but especially these last few years. When I lost my job a few years ago I was worried about what might happened….but money just keeps finding its way to us. Don’t get me wrong we aren’t rich, but we have enough to pay the bills and do a little extra. Because of this I have been able to stay at home with my daughter during her first 2 years….and still will be for another year. I have been able to go back to school to finish my degree which will be done in a year….this will help me get a great career that will allow lots of time with my family. I’m blessed with a patient, loving, and wonderful husband. When I think about all He has given me, I’m ashamed that I haven’t been going to church with my family to tith and grow as a Christian. I’m going to find a church that is right for my family, and we will start going on a regular basis.

#2. McKenzie & family - My daughter and husband mean the world to me. I’m so blessed to have such a beautiful family. There are so many times when I’m selfish…all I can think about is what I want or what I want to do. I must learn to organize things better so that I can have time to myself or what I want to do when McKenzie is asleep and Scott is at work…that way whe she is awake and he is home we can be spending time together as a family….and I must not forget to try to give Scott time to himself also….to do what he wants. Everyone needs a little me time.

#3. Food/Exercise - I have to learn to get control of my life in this area. My daughter deserves a healthy mother who can do things with her and be there throughout her life. My husband deserves to have a wife he can be proud of showing off (not that he has ever made any negative comments). I deserve to be healthy and live a long life with my family. I need to look at this more from a health aspect and wanting to be healthy. I’m going to shoot for exercising at least 3x a week at Curves and eating 1800 calories a day. I will research new recipes so we can try new meals that are healthy. Of course, I need to lose weight….so I will have a weight loss goal of 5-7 pounds a month. I really think that is attainable, and it is a low enough number that I can take things slow and steady and not give up. So in a matter of 2 to 2 1/2 years I will be at goal…that will be here in no time too!

#4. Budget/house cleaning - Keeping a budget and managing my household should be more important to me than it has been. It shows that I love my house and my family and that I appreciate them also. I have a plan that should be easy if I will just do it. I will do my budgeting each month.

#5. Me time - Of course, everyone needs some me time. Some peace and quite time….or some time to relax and do what they want to. I’m gonna make sure I get that every week…or a little everyday if I can. I will also make sure Scott gets time to himself. I think it will show how much I appreciate him and love him.

#6. Self/relationships - I have decided to work on this not only for my marriage and to raise a caring daughter, but also to lead a happier life and be more patient. I’m reading the book “The Love Dare” I think it will not only help me be a better wife…but also a better mother/daughter/sister/friend/etc.

#7. School - Only one more year and I’m done! I have to really buckle down this next semester and secure my future so that I can enjoy weekends/holidays/summer break/fall break/spring break/Christmas break all off w/ my family while still making good money.

#8. Work - God has recently blessed me with a part-time job, but I have to know when I can work and when I can’t. I can’t let it interfere w/ school, family, or anything else which is listed above it.

So that is my list in order….I feel like I have a good plan in place to keep things in order now!

July 6th ~ Week 1

Posted by mckenziesmomma on July 6th, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

I’m looking forward to starting this journey yet again. I think I have made things alot easier on myself now. I’m not going to set unrealistic and unreasonable expectations for myself. I have been gaining weight steadily over the past 13 years. I know I can get it off the right way in a couple of years. My first year I have dedicated to losing 2 pounds a week or 104 pounds in a year. I’m thinking at first I will probably lose more than 2 pounds a week wich is fine because towards the end I may lose less than 2 pounds a week. I will blog at LEAST weekly and monthly. So….here is my first weeks blog

Today is day 1 week 1. So far so good! I’m eating 1800 calories a day and working out at Curves or some other form of exercise for 60 minutes a day to burn 400 calories a day. This should get me at my 1,000 calories burned per day to lose 2 pounds a week.

Along the way I’m going to try to tackle a few things. This week I want to focus on going to bed at a descent time (9:30pm at the latest) and getting up by 7:30am at the latest so I can get a shower and get ready before Scott leaves for work. I want to make this one of my first habits because when I’m up and ready I won’t sit around the house all day thinking about weight loss. Instead I will get out and do things with my daughter like going swimming or going to the grocery store…etc etc.

I’m looking forward to a quick week 1. I’m weighing in this week at 264. I hope to weigh in next week at least at 262. This sure seems like a slow go at losing weight, but I think it will be the easiest and the smartest way! Doing this this way I don’t think I will feel deprived. If I want a Big Mac…I will eat one…but everything will have to be in my calorie limits or I will have to work off the extra calories.

Well, I look forward to posting my weigh in next Monday along with my stuggles/accomplisments and plans for week2! Stay tuned!

More thoughts and emotional stuff…

Posted by mckenziesmomma on May 30th, 2009 |Filed Under General | Leave a Comment

So, I’m still trying to sort through some thoughts and some emotional stuff. I had a very emotional day today, and I just wanted to get some things down and see if I could think through some things.

Anyways…so here goes! Today started off kinda rough. It was my weekend to sleep in, and so I did just that. I slept in till around 7:45am or 8:00am ish…..The hubby and the baby came and got in bed with me for a little while and played, but then she wanted to go do something else so they took off to the living room. I stayed in bed a while longer. I could hear my husband cleaning up the living room, and vacuuming the living room. I got kinda emotional. Usually when he cleans he gets kinda mad. He will get all quite and stuff cause he had to do it. I just cried for a while because I just didn’t want to fight or argue or be given the cold shoulder, but when I got up he was fine. So hopefully I was just over reacting.

Later on in the morning my husband’s sister called (for future referance she will be referred to as SIL for sister-in-law). She and her daughter and mother (who is my mother-in-law or hubby’s mom of course) were going to a nearby town to go shopping and wanted to know if we wanted to go. I said sure. So, we all got ready and left. I sat in the back with my daughter and SIL’s daughter while my husband drove and my SIL and MIL sat up front with him. Talk about feeling left out. The whole 50 min drive there AND back they listened to all these different songs on my hubby’s MP3 player and talked about what memories those songs made them think of and just talked about the “good ole days” ….they laughed and talked and seemed to be enjoying themselves so much. I would try to say something, but then one of them would say something and then they would all start talking about that. I mean it was like they didn’t even hear me. Noone ever said….Melissa…what were you saying? It was seriously like I didn’t exist….like I was just a child in the back with nothing important to say….that I should be seen and not heard. It was very very hurtful.

Once we were back home from our trip and we dropped off the MIL, SIL, and SIL’s daughter it was like my husband’s attitude changed. It was like…okay the fun time is over and it is back to the grind….back to “real life”. He used to have fun with me. He used to act like that with me….happy and carefree. It’s not like that now. I have to be completely honest with myself. The reason its like this with us now is because of me…its because I became a total butt hole. I think eventually somewhere along the line (while I was being a raging b-i-t-c-h) my husband changed toward me. I know he LOVES me…but I think maybe he isn’t in love with me. I know he wants to be with me, but it just feels like something is missing. Same here…I love my husband, but I think right now I’m not IN LOVE….at least not most of the time… and how can I love someone else if I don’t love myself. I’m so hard on myself…the things I tell myself in my head…how ugly I am, how fat I am, how I can’t believe I did this to myself, etc. etc. I would never let anyone else talk to me like that. I wouldn’t take it for a second. If I can’t forgive myself and start getting back to where I want to be…start taking care of myself and loving myself…then how can truely love my husband and let him love me and get back to where we used to be.

 

I just have to let go of all the hurt feelings and assumptions of the past. There isn’t anything I can do to change the past….I can’t take back things said or done, I can’t take back actions, I can’t take back food that was eaten, and I can’t take back the pounds I have gained. All I can do is learn from my mistakes, forgive myself, and start fresh.

I vow that I’m going to forgive myself for the things I have said and done to myself. I will start saying positive things to myself and to my husband. I will start havin fun again. I will love and be loved. I will live my life and I will be in control. I won’t waste another day….I won’t waste another second!


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