One Step at a Time

WHAT THE HELL? The latter half of my post from earlier today is missing AGAIN! And I didn’t even edit it - It just dissapeared in the last hour or so?!?!?!?!!?

DAH!!!!Ok, so I edit my posts alot since I type to fast and don’t proofread until after I post.  Since the site has been having problems - does anyone else notice that if you go into edit, it automatically cuts off half your post and blocks the post from allowing comments? 3rd day in a row this has happened - and  never happened before :(.

Alternative blogging site, here I come… if I get up the energy to actually switch.  Those of you who have crossed voer - where are you blogging and is it better?

Ok, so I’m getting increasingly frustrated with this blog site since it was “acquired” or whatever.  I have a deadjournal account, but it’s set to private and I only use it for creative writing stuff. And I have a livejournal account from back in the day (I keep it to read it sometimes and remember what a freaking spazzoid I was as a teenager/college student… SO MUCH DRAMA!) I was debating getting another live journal account - as I don’t want to use the old one.  Or maybe a wordpress one on another server. 

Who knows. I originally started using this ite because it’s one of the only blogging sites that Corporate Restrictions haven’t been placed on.  Once I start student teaching it won’t matter where I blog since I’ll be doing it at home after school.  Hm… we shall see.  Have one that lets me embed pictures instead of linking to them would be fabulous…

So… 205.6 today! Woohoo!  Can I dare hope for 196 by the end of the year?  That’s my next weight goal on calorie king that would be 29lbs lost.  Currently I’m sitting at 19.4lbs lost.  Thinking of it in term of loosing twenty lbs seems like I’ve accomplished a lot, but if you look at my weight … 205 is still so far from where I wasn’t to be I feel the same as I did when I had lost 4 lbs.  Not the least bit encouraging.

Ok… so… I’ve set this reward for myself that is perhaps the STUPIDEST most CHILDISH reward ever.  I’ll explain a bit first… My friend has recently been asking me for guy advice.  Specifically “do you think this guy likes me” advice.  I am the LAST person in the world that should give that advice, as I can NEVER pick up on someone liking me.  I didn’t think my husband liked me until 2 months after he thought we had started dating.  I found out I had been his “girlfriend” for that long because I overheard a phone convo he had with his friend.  I had that best guy friend in high school that everyone swore was in love with me, and I was like oh you guys are dumb.  Until I got a tongue shoved in my mouth. So basically, I’m boy stupid.  I’m fairly certain this has to do with the fact that I can’t understand WHY anyone would like me, or think I deserve to be liked.  So as part of my “healthier” my journey I’m trying to look at myself through a more positive point of view.  And I’ve been thinking about all of the boys in my past - specifically the ones I HAVEN’T dated - to see if there was something I maybe should have seen that I didn’t.   [I know this may sound stupid, but I'm trying to get over the I'm not worthy of being loved attitude I've possessed most of my life - and recognizing that someone could possibly like me is a big step.  So sorry about the childlike topic but... yeah....]And I came to the conclusion that this one kid may possibly have liked me.  So I emailed my friend asking her about it, without giving names.  And she sent a list with several people she thought were horribly “obvious” about it and asked who else I wanted to add.  My newest revelation was on the horribly obvious list - which makes me sad.  So I asked my husband about it and he told me I was an idiot if I thought the kid hadn’t liked me back in the day. Seriously, WTF. Why can I not see these things?  It’s not like I wanted to go through high school thinking boys hated me.  And I actually liked the kid in question, so you think I would have picked up on it? [He used to pinch my sides every time he passed me - most of the time getting his fingers under my shirt when he did it.  I also got slammed full body up against the locker one day... things like that. Apparently I'm stupid and these are obvious things. Whatever.] In retrospect, had some guy done that to a friend I would have bounced all over the “he likes” you thing.  But when someone does it to me I’m like, yeah we’re friends.  Boys don’t lik

Took me like 34 tries to get this to post today… what’s up with that!

 206.8 today.  1.8 lbs to go by next Thursday, yeeha! :D  I want my end of year goal to be under 200.  I’m slightly saddened by that.  Originally my new years resolution for 2009 was to loose the 70+ lbs I needed to shed.  But I didn’t get my ass in gear until September. Sigh.  And even September was a little rocky.  Oh well, better late than never. 

So since I’m already on a plan that’s going well, I think making a 2010 resolution to loose the remaining 50 lbs or so I’ll have to loose is realistic.  I’d LOVE to weigh 135 but I’m not sure that’s realistic at all.  I’ve checked a few height/weight charts.  I have a large frame, and I’m 5′8′.  Most charts say I should weigh 146-167 or somewhere similar.  135 is acceptable for a small frame, and the low given for a medium frame is 136.  Though - 136 would rock. I’m not a medium frame.  I have size 10.5 feet, linebacker shoulders, and I’ve always had an athletic build.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be a size 4 - I’m not sure my skeleton would be a size 4… ha! We’ll see.  I look kind of scary when my weight gets down to far (evident by my yearbook photo my junior year of high school). We shall see I suppose…

I really want to copy FP and do Chalean Extreme in January.  We shall see about that though… it would be a great jump start to 2010.

Cheers!

Ok, so… between giving up on 3fc for a couple of days because I could never log on and a long weekend it’s been a few days since I’ve posted.  I’m not sure what the last weight in I posted here was but I hit 207.4 for like three days in a row, and was 206.4 yesterday.  Bob is here - so I needed beef and chocolate yesterday, so I was up to 207.2 today.  I feel that when Bob leaves I’ll be back where I want to be - and I’ll make my Thanksgiving goal for sure

The run down:

Both Monday and Tuesday were GORGEOUS here.  I walked both days, and it was lovely. 

I’m giving up on PT.  I can basically do what they do by myself at this point - and it’s not getting any better really so I might as well stop paying them and ride it out myself. 

I saw the movie version of Pride and Prejudice with Keira Knightly in it for the first time on Monday, which sent me on Jane Austen kick.  I must say, I adore Mr. Darcy.  Now - I especially adore the Mr. Darcy played by Matthew MacFayden.  *Sigh* I usually like to create my own visual representations of characters while reading a book and try not to replace them when I’ve seen a movie based on the book, but in this case I’ll make an exception. 

I hate my non-immediate family, specifically my aunt right now.  She called my grandmother up yesterday to tell her all of her children (but my mother) hated her because she was a horrible mother and grandmother. SO NOT TRUE!  My aunt is just such a miserable person she needs to make everyone else miserable too.  And my two uncles are the youngest and do whatever my aunt (who’ the oldest) says, so they won’t talk to my grandmother now either.  My cousins NEVER call or go see my grandmother.  She STILL has their Christmas presents from this past Christmas, because she refuses to mail them and will give them to my cousins when she sees them.  They live 12 minutes away.  It’s not like they live across the country.  I see my grandmother more and I live over 300 miles away, not 12!!!  It makes me so mad… This is the stupid aunt that told my mother & grandmother I was happy because I was pregnant and not because of shin splints.  So now my gram is all upset, and I want to go run my aunts’ dog over with a mack truck.  Yes, that makes me a horrible person - but oh well.  You screw with the people I love, I become a VERY unpleasant person. It’s frequently not pretty.

This is also the 2nd time this has happened.  And my mother is STILL mad at my Aunt, becuase my aunt (who can’t have children and is seemingly very jealous of those who did have kids on special occasions - such a my wedding) went off on my mother and made her cry at my wedding.  such a F**king b*tch.

And part of it is my “fault”. I put “fault” in quotations, because my aunt is pissed that I’m the quote unquote favorite grandchild and my grandmother being the closest to me is what makes my grandmother a horrible person.  But my grandmother helped raise me, she was like my other parent.  Can anyone honestly expect her to be closer to a grandchild who goes two years without seeing her and sometime talking to her because they’re too busy drinking, doing drugs, or getting arrested?  Take your pick - my cousins are FABULOUS people.

So then I get a call from my mother telling me my grandmother wants me to “defriend” my aunt on facbook, and I

Apparently the rest of my post was cut off.  Hmmm…. anywhoo… I forgot what it said.  Something about focusing onforgetting the evil things adn focusing on Mr. Darcy… mmmmm….

Has anyone else had a ridiculously hard time getting into the forums and blogs? It took me ALL DAY to get into the three or four bolgs I was actually able to comment on yesterday! Apparent 3FC has bee acquired by some company.  I hope this isn’t an example of things to come

208 today.  Which is cool, because I had a bad yesterday.  A bad that turned good.  Normally I eat 60 g fiber one cereal, 140 g or frozen raspebrries, and a chobani plan 0 fat greek yogurt for breakfast.  290 calories, and it keeps me pretty full (with coffee, very full) until around 11:30 - then I can be hungry for an hour or so adn eat lunch.  Yesterday I decided to try oatmeal, so I grabbed two packets of instant oatmeal and a 100 cal pack of almonds - which was 300 calories. Oh. My. God. I was STARVING by 9:30!! And things just went down hill from there.  I ate my afternoon snack (yogurt) with lunch because I was so hungry.  Then for the afternoon snack I had a bag of 100 cal smart pop.  Then around 4:45 I was STARVING again… and there were little bags of fritos and doritos. So I had a mini bag of each! (310 calories total).  At that point I was STILL starving and was like, screw it let’s grab dinner outside.  I wrote an email saying that to my husband… then erased it and wrote an email asking him if he wanted to run last night instead.  So victory on my part - I ended up doing a little extra exercise to work off the chips and my net calories were under my goal for the day.  Hooray for avoiding almost disaster!  So the 1.4lbs down this morning from yesterday morning was awesome - considering the almost disaster. 

We’re amazingly cool 26 year olds, and our Friday night normally consist of grocery shopping. I know, you’re jealous - it’s ok.  I understand.  Haha :lol:  we need to stock up on salads and munchie type vegetables so that I don’t go astray on my four day weekend! Eeek! I WILL weight 206 by next thursday! And I WILl weight 204 by Thanksgiving!  (My goal was 205). I need to research some new salad ideas.  I’ve been on an apple walnut salad kick - but I think spicing it up would do wonders.

So - off I go to *try* to read your blogs.  Let’s see if the serves let me.

Deep breath….

I feel better today. I always feel so bad when my blog is a bunch of cranky nonesense. So uh - my bad about yesterday’s entry.  Sometime I just need a place to vent! My issues stem from the fact that what I WANT to do and what I NEED to do, are two seperate things [and they're not even remotely close...].  I’m an artist working for a bank, come on now!  I’m not a person that deals well with authoirty or “you have to”’s.  And while being a “free spirit” was awaesome as a kid, responsibilities don’t lend themselves well to spontinety and hours on end devoted to creative expression.  So sometimes I get frustrated and try to put what I want to do at the top of the list and everything crumbles from there.  But yesterday I got a boat load of “have to’s” done, and that’s great.  I think that tonight and tomorrow I’ll work a bit on some more “have to’s” and my weekend can be dedicated to the “wants”.

Plus, the school work is helping me become and art teacher - so these “have to”s will lead me to a better place for me in the end.

Sometimes it just really sucks being really good at things you hate doing…

So yesterday ended up being really produtive.  I read what I needed to for class, updated the class dicussion page online (we use a forum online for dicussions to cut down on the number of times we need to meet as a class, which just rocks), wrote my paper due Staruday, fixed my field jounral entries, and got a head start on a project due at the end of the semester.  PT was cancelled, so that helped.  This morning I bought a 24oz coffee and added 2 concentrated shots of expresso in it! Whee!!!

I’m back down to 209.4.  I need to kick it in gear.  Hopefully my elliptical is all better now.  I have 2 weeks to drop 4 lbs.  Totally doable… I have a 4 day weekend coming up… I need to make sure I don’t sabatoage myself. 

And think of how much I can get done in 4 days of not having to work?! Cleaning, laundry, more papers, writing! I’m so excited! Haha - I’m not very good at being unproductive - can you tell?

Oh… something else I need to work on.  Espcially if I want to start showing my work: I get very very uncomfortable when people say positive things about me.  Like really uncomfortable - to the point where it’s stupid.  I don’t really care what like my coworkers say - or strangers- but my friends - eeek.  One of my friends referred to me as “the smartest person she knows” in a conversation with another friend.  Yep.  I got so uncomfortable about that I started crying.  Not happy crying - horribly uncomfortable crying.  Kind of like if I got stuck in a conversation with my mother in law about my sex life uncomfortable(if you knew her, you’d know how horribly bad that is!) Also, my other friend freaked me out yesterday by saying that everything i do (make/write) has potential and she doesn’t think I have the capability of doing something that doesn’t have potential.  Not as bad as the first example, but I still didn’t want to talk to her at all yesterday.  I really can’t talk about it with my therapist, because it makes me cry talking about it.  So… haha… dear friends, any ideas?

I can say this - at least I’m on the right track.  Most great artists and authors are certifiably insane…

Good morning.

I’m not even sure where to begin. Yesterday was not a good day.  Work was REALLY annoying. Hubby was being an asshole.  My elliptical decided to break, so 20 min into my “de-stress” workout I have to stop and take the damn thing apart. 

This morning we got up REALLY late (I was having an epic dream about a scavanger hunt that I wasn’t about to miss the end of!).  I ended up dropping my yogurt out of my bag - it exploded on my pants and on the kitchen floor - so there was a delay when we were already really late.

I was in a weird funk yesterday, and it seems to have carried over into today. I feel so bloated and icky because I havn’t pooped in like three days :(.  That scale is reading 210.0 this morning.  Hopefully once I do get “things” moving, I’ll drop a lb or two.

I need a personality readjustment.  Well, maybe it’s not personality - maybe its… I need a time management lesson.  I can’t seem to balance things anymore.  I have a number of things I’m working on on a daily basis: Work, loosing weight & exercising, doing National Novel Writing Month, and stuff for class.  The days I’m all about creative writing - I suck at remembering to exercise or blogging.  The days I remember to exercise, I don’t get any school work or writing done.  And forget my mind focusing on my job when I’m off in la-la land thinking about where my story is going. 

Balance.  I need balance.  Any pointers?  Anyone? 

Banks are closed for the federal holiday today, but I’m still at work.  I’m using the holiday hours for a long weekend this weekend. I still have lots to do today too.  I hope to catch up on some reading for class, since I have a paper on the reading due Saturday.  I’d like to get the paper done today too so when I go off on another creative tangent, I don’t have to worry about reeling myself in to do it.  I also have so additions to make to my field jounral entries… and I have some videos to shoot and pictures to take so examples on how to crochet for a fiber arts class. 

Did I mention I also need to be at work, exercise, and go to the PT?

And all of that leaves me wanting a cookie, a cup of hot chocolate, and a bed.

JUST SAY NO TO COOKIES!!!

Very busy today, but I didn’t want to not post.  I did crappy yesterday and even a little post will help me to hold myself accountable for today. 211 today - stupid water retention! Today I need to bust out some homework, the big wigs from NY are in town, and I have a goal to hit 30,000 words with the story I’m writing.  I have 21,347 currently.  My wrists are SO not going to love me. Ha! Oh, plus work.  Who could forget having to work? Ugh.  I love getting paid, but somedays I seriously have better things to do than to rot away in my office all day.

Chargers won - Boo (sorry my SD ladies…)

Eagles lost - Boo (esp since it makes hubby grumpy as he’s from Philly…)

Woohoo Broncos! Hopefully I have everything I need to have done - done by kick off!!

The bad: My elbows still hurt and I’m still weighing in higher than I was on Tuesday

The good: IT’S FRIDAY!!!!

So I’ve decided I don’t like what I was writing for nanowrimo.  I had a little over 11,000 of the 50,000 word goal done.  And I don’t like it. It’s not flowing, it’s not developing - it’s just poop. So I’ve started over. I’m doing something that I can have fun with.  It’s basically going to be my commentary on family and ex-boyfriends because, well, I have a lot of people who fall into one of those categories that suck. But they don’t only suck - they suck in a fantastic and way that lends itself well to a parody.  I have the crazy aunt with 9 hairless hypoallergenic cats. And the other who has a stroller and a car seat for her dog.  And dude, if I drag my fathers family into it it will be a cluster (bleep) of ridiculous. (I don’t know them well, so I have no emotional attachment to not offending anyone - but man, do I hear stories… stories that make me VERY glad I don’t know them well.) So in the end - fun.  If I have to write a novel in 30 days it needs to be fun.

We dropped hubby’s car off at the car place this morning to have his muffler looked at/ fixed.  Ick.

Oh well. I have some reports to finish up for my 8:30 meeting. I should go do that.  I’ll check back in later to comments on blogs.

Cheers.

…ouch.

The weight training DVD’s I ordered came on Tuesday, and I used them for the first time yesterday.  I ran through it with 3lbs weights just to get the movements down - all except the biceps which I used 8lbs for because I feel bicep curls are pretty basic.  Between the bicep curls, the push ups, and the chairs dips - my elbow joints do NOT like me.  I’m amused that I do a workout to see how out of shape my muscles are, and it’s my joints that need some work. My muscles feel fine!

I hope I get a chance to work out tonight We woke up REALLY late today, and I have class tonight. I’m not sure when I’m getting home. I’ll be leaving work around 5:30 and class starts at 6:00 so theres def no time between.  Boo!

Well my car needs an oil change, badly.  Well - like 300 miles ago I was due. It always seems to go on part of the way into a long trip, and then I’m always a few hundred over.  Boo! But hubby’s car needs to get fixed (muffler is going) so we can’t send my car in until we fix his. Gr. It’s going to be expensive weekend! Hopefully a productive one though… I need to get some school stuff done and I want to get a significant amount of writing done for nanowrimo.

Cheers.