It’s been a loooooong day.  Very long.  I only have three working days left across the next two weeks though and then I am finished forever, which is a nice thought.  I’m looking forward to getting my weekends back.  It’s just been a rubbishy weekend weather-wise, and work is so slow it drags on forever.  I have a dehydration sickness and nausea that’s come from no where so I’m not feeling so great right now.

I know I haven’t posted the last few days, with work and what-not I’ve been pretty exhausted by the time I’ve had a chance to sit down and haven’t really felt like writing much.  I’ve had some good days though.  My work-experience/volunteering on Friday went very well and I got some excellent advice to work on that will help me a lot working towards a career in Clinical Psychology.

What I really need to do though, is draw a line under the last two weeks.  I measured my tummy at it’s widest point today (just under my tummy button) without sucking anything in.  41″.  That is ridiculous.  Sucked in to where I normally hold it, it’s still 37″!  MEN aren’t meant to have more than 36″ waists to be healthy so this is NOT GOOD.  What is going through my head right now, aside from the “cancer, heart disease, diseased organs risks” are words from you guys like “health is our responsibility” and “we just can’t give up” and “I should be doing this because I CAN”.  I’m only 20 for pete’s sake and my BMI is 27 in the overweight range and I’m not happy with how I look!

I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this, but do you ever experience knowing you should be exercising while you’re konked out in front of the TV, computer or with a book?  Or knowing that what you’re eating isn’t something healthy, is adding a whole load of unnecessary calories - and it’s going through your head over and over while you eat - but you eat it anyway?  I get this.  I don’t understand the different stances in my head.  I want to be healthy and fit and a good weight, but there’s this other part of me that hears everything the “healthy” mind says and ignores it.  And it varies day-to-day which mind my body and consciousness follows.  Perhaps I just need to reassert some motivation or invest in some distraction techniques.

Any advice?  I’m glad all of you are here, so there’s someone to listen.  Thank you.

Mango x

I’m having a lovely day today.  The fog has been burnt off by the sun and it’s turned into an absolutely beautiful day.  I’ve been out for a walk to and from uni and at the moment I’ve got the TV on in the background and I’m finishing off the final parts of my Brownie Guide Leadership Qualification.  It’s one of those days where I get reflective, but in a nice way.  It’s one of those days I look at where I feel thankful for a lot of things and I feel proud of a lot of things and look at things I want to do.

I’m proud of my academic achievements.  Today was the prize giving ceremony at university so now I have a certificate to frame and put up on my wall.  (The cheque’s been put into my bank account and I’m especially thankful for that, it couldn’t have come at a better time!)  A lot of the people were in their graduation robes and it just reaffirmed how hard I need (and want) to work so that when it’s my turn to put on those robes next year for my graduation I can feel truly proud.

I’m thankful for my opportunity to get to university, for my parents being able to support me so I can focus completely on my studies next year.  I’m thankful for my health and my peace of mind.  I’m thankful for this new “at peace” mentality. I’m thankful for all you chicks here, who keep me on the straight and narrow and a place to tell my own story.

I’m making progress.  Maybe not weight wise or size wise right now (I don’t know, I’m not weighing or measuring any more) but I am feeling a lot happier.  I’m still committed to making a healthier, fitter me.  DP and I are budgetting so I can start a dance class next semester, which I’ve wanted to do since we moved here.  Plus I’m doing my Walk With Me! every day and still enjoying it.  I’ve come to the conclusion that if you want to move more it’s a good choice.  Yes, it’s basically a step counter, but it motivates me more than any other one I’ve had.

I want to keep moving, to keep making progress.  I want to change the world one person at a time :)  That’s the life mission I want to dedicate myself to

Days like today make me feel hopeful and ambitious and ready to take on anything.  I wish I could share the feeling with you, but since that doesn’t go through the internet cables too well here’s some encouragement instead:

You’re wonderful!  Being here, working as part of this community, you’re streets ahead.  That little sunny feeling you get when you lose a pound or push yourself to a new limit in your workout or the quiet satisfaction when you get your house spotless - internalise it, make it your little inner sun that brightens your mood when it just feels too hard.  Make use of what being a community means - come here when you need support and you’ll get it!  You’re turning your life around.  Be proud, be strong and well done!  You’re all inspirational

Mango x

Finally, after rain this morning, the sun has come out.  I love the view from my bedroom window :)  We’re at the top of a three story tenement building and our garden is joined up with the street parallel to us.  There’s a big huge beech tree in the back garden and the green leaves look so bright against the sandstone of the tenement across the gardens, it’s so pretty!

I’ve finished another topic of revision for my exam, which is good!  1 to go (and 1 day left of studying to go too!)  I am looking forward to being FREEEEE!  I really am so excited :)  My cousin’s 20th birthday party is on Thursday, then the next week I’m going to visit my parents for a few days, probably Tuesday to Friday or something.  It’s nice to just chill out with nothing to do and be able to enjoy doing nothing!  However, I’ll probably get bored quickly so I’m taking some reading to do for my dissertation project :)  How geeky am I?

Also, in the last week of May I am going to Skye (a beautiful island in the Scottish West Hebrides - google it) with a group of friends in the year above me.  I hadn’t been going to go, because of financial reasons, but the cat has improved on his own and since we don’t have to pay for xrays - bingo!  Holiday!  It’s very special to me though.  I met two of the girls in the group at a psychology away trip in January (which was run by the department and a whole load of people in my year went and four 4th years, including my two friends).  But even though everyone who went on that trip made friends with everyone, I’ve kind of been included into their special group.  It’s not about being in with the cool gang or anything, I just feel really special because they are great people.  There’s going to be about 10 of us going and when I told them I could go they were so happy!  I try to think of that memory when I’m sad.

In other news - thank you so much Diet Buddy!  I ordered the WW handbook and a 3 month tracker journal from eBay for under £10.  Hopefully this will give me all the information I need, though I may need to buy a points calculator or something to get the points values.  I’m going to give it a decent try.  I think before, I may not have been completely honest with myself or been particularly rigid in weighing things and counting points, but this time I am motivated and prepared to take the good days with the bad.  And I want stars so no cheating!

I’ll get food and exercise in later

Mango x

I was thinking last night.  Dangerous, I know.  When I look in the mirror I don’t really see myself in the holistic sense.  I see hair, or tummy or thighs.  I don’t see all of me.  So last night I tried to look at all of me.

What do I not like?

• Stretch marks - My skin is so pale that the big red smears across my skin stand out for all to see.  I feel bad about them.  They’re signs I’ve not taken as much care of my body as I should have.  If I’d had children that’d be different, but this is just because I got lazy and put on weight.
• Cellulite - I know we all have it.  I just don’t like it.
• Heavy Hips - I used to be quite well balanced but now I’ve gone rather pear shaped and up 2-3 dress sizes in trousers and skirts.

What do I like?

• My hair - It’s a really pretty colour and shapes my face nicely.
• My boobs - They’ve gone up a few cup sizes from gaining weight, but they fit my figure and are nicely shaped.  (Sorry if that’s TMI!)
• My waist - It’s reappeared slowly, and while I am working to shape it better I still like that I have one!

It was strange taking in myself as a whole rather than just focusing on the parts I don’t like.  While there are parts of me I’m not happy with, I am working towards improving them.  I don’t really know what I inteded to share with this post, other than the fact that I did this.

I’ll update later with foods and whatnot.  Oh and I must have averted the cheesecake disaster with drinking so much water.  I weighed in at 154lbs on the dot for the third day in a row!

Mango x