I’m not feeling so hot today.  Well, for the last few days really.

I guess I’ve just been reminiscing a lot.  I’ve also been under a lot of stress - my exam results were due out on Wednesday and there’s still no sign of them.  On top of that, one of the department released information about how many people had got As, Bs, Cs, Ds and fails before we had our results and a whole load of other bollocks which has just made everyone feel worse.  It’s just a situation that makes you feel lethargic, worn out, it’s not a great state to be in.

I’m not happy with myself either.  I know this way of living needs to stop now.  In December I was 149 and struggling to lose, now I’m 154-156 and clearly no further on.  I need to stop now before I’m at 180 and still struggling to lose weight.  It’s easier to start now than to wait till I get there.  I know that by being overweight I am putting myself more at risk of all kinds of medicinal problems, never mind the day to day annoyances of chaffing thighs, stretch marks and clothes that no longer fit.  But my head’s just not in the game.  I’ve been so lazy this last week and it’s a perpetuating bad circle because I know that by being late I am making my situation worse, yet still I just can’t push myself to do this and then I get more and more annoyed at myself for my sheer lack of caring for myself.  I’m disgusted with myself at times, how can someone knowingly do this to themselves?  I can’t answer that question, but I seem to be doing it anyway.

From this there is the offshoot of needing someone to blame.  I’m trying to accept this as a natural human tendency, baring in mind I know this is totally my fault.  But, I don’t think I can take the full blame for my preoccupation with my weight.  I was on the phone to my best friend today, who is overweight herself, but she eats healthy, has a great time and it just doesn’t matter.  I told her about my recent escapade with my mother and my shoddy attempts at weight loss, and she just remarked I worry far too much about my weight.  It was just a simple comment but I thought about it, and she’s right.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about the number on the scale, every meal brings guilt, everything revolves around my weight.  When did my life becomes like that?  In part I blame my mother, for her frequent comments which I’ve discussed before and won’t go into again.  She told me I was fat at 7, when I was full of puppy fat that I grew off.  My dad was furious, but I didn’t forget it.  From that point on I had that awareness.  How different would my life have been if I didn’t have that from such a young age?

I know the best thing right now would be to just avoid my mum for a while, but unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.  Our financial situation right now is awful.  My parents are giving us an “allowance” which we need just to be able to eat.  I hate taking it, but we don’t have a choice - it’s either that or choose between food and electricity.  In turn, how can I cut my mum out when she is being so generous?  And in truth she is very generous.  She doesn’t mean the things she says maliciously (most of the time), I know that, and the majority of issues she’s passed to me are traits from her own mother.  I’m aware of that.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I hate this post because I am normally an optimistic and can-do person.  But right now I feel I just want to take some time off being worried about weight and re-learn how to live my life when it revolves around me, and my relationships, my LIFE.  I think I’m going to withdraw from the June challenge.  I’m so sorry all of you, to let you down.  But I think right now I really need to find some direction, before I go crazy.  I’ll keep checking in of course, but I need to live chicks.  I don’t think I’m doing that right now.  I’m just so tired of hating myself, of berating myself every night as I’m trying to sleep, of criticising myself every morning after stepping on the scale, after every mouthful, after every half hour that passes that I haven’t done exercise.  I’m so fed up of living like this.  And I don’t think anyone in my family is going to understand.  I’m just giving up again.  Which makes it even worse.  I’m sorry for such melodrama.  Hopefully I’ll get my head in line soon.