I like this.  My cat does this a lot.  The other one tried to eat it.

How am I?  Not too bad thanks!  Got some productive cleaning done today, so everywhere looks nice apart from the kitchen.  DP needs to clean up his modelling stuff before I even go near there because only then will it look approachable.  But that’s ok!  I like clean houses Otherwise I am somewhat anxious.  Exam results are due this week, but my School does a fabulous thing saying “Yes results are this week, this many people passed, this many people failed, but guess what!  You have to guess when you’re results are out!”  So we have to refresh the online publication site over and over.  I’m betting tomorrow.  I slept badly last night with nerves and exam dreams - fun fun!

I am still looking at my weight loss options.  DP has program workout/weight loss/recipes etc. from a program he paid a lot for, used and saw success with.  It’s also got mass gain programs inbuilt as it’s designed for skinny people who want to bulk up with muscle mass, but if you’ve a body fat percentage of over 18% you need to do the weight loss program first.  That’ll be me then!  It’s appealling because it’s got pretty strict food plans, which are also quite restricted - mostly grilled chicken for protein with rice and veggies; comprised into 6 small meals a day.  However, because I sleep a lot and I would have a really low calorie meal (only around 150-200 per meal) and each needs to have protein, carbs and fat I might need to reduce it to five.  It also encorporates free weight and body weight lifting to increase weight loss, with proper serious weights!  So I’d be restructuring it to suit me and what I have at home.

The catch 22?  If DP doesn’t want on board, I don’t think it’d be realistic for me to achieve this.  Unless we’re both doing it and can take turns with the cooking and preparations and doing exercise together (after all, he’s gpt experience of this, I don’t), I don’t think this would be feasible.  It’s such an extreme change that me doing it while he eats as he pleases doesn’t really work when there’s only two of us in the house and we share the grocery bills - it requires a lot of more expensive fresh produce.  If we’re not both on the program, it’s too expensive on our limited budget to fund two separate grocery lists.

So I’m still pondering.  I hope you’re all having nice Wednesdays.

I am frustrated today.  Yesterday I did all my exercise, I couldn’t have eaten much less if I wanted to be healthy, but still I gained 4 ounces today.  I mean,  I know it’s not much but I was really expecting to see it move a few ounces the other way.  I drank 96oz of water, to replace what I lost through sweat and then plenty extra.  I am just despondant.  I’m using my grace days for exercise today because I was sick this morning and have cramps so I just did my BWW and will do everything else tomorrow.

So I’m freshly showered after my exercise today.  Yoga?  Good!  Walk to and from run-route?  Lovely!  Body weight workout with sit ups and lunges?  Tough but feeling strong.  Run?  Bloody awful!

Perhaps I should have taken into account the fact that the boys giving me advice on running have been playing rugby since they were seven and they’re 21 now - that’s a lot of years.  I seriously overestimated my fitness level, I practically died out there!  It is HOT, the hottest weather we’ve seen this year in this country.  I have more freckles than I did when I left this morning!  But seriously, it was awful.  I ended up running 5 lamposts and walking 5-6.

That left me seriously scared.  How am I going to do this 5 times a week?!  I can’t give up, but by gosh this is not fun!

It’s the 31st of May already, I can’t quite believe it!  Simultaneously though, it feels like this month has been the equivalent of two and a half normal months; I’ve done so much studying, sat three exams, gone to Skye for a week and all the other things in between!

Skye was a great holiday.  It was lovely to get away with my friends and I came back feeling rejuvenated and ready to go.  I also had something of an epiphany about my relationship with DP, but the good kind!  To tell the truth it was all to do with a dream I had, but don’t really remember.  I just remember lying in that half-waking half-sleeping state where you are still partly existing in your dream, but are aware you’re waking up.  I felt so contented and like a little bubble had spread around me - protecting me - and radiating from my heart out.  I’m not sure what clicked in my brain, but I woke up with such conviction that this man loves me with all his heart, and even if he didn’t it wouldn’t matter because I am truly devoted to him, and that such an emotion is not only incredibly rare but also uplifting.  Sounds a bit teen-romance perhaps, but ever since I’ve been dealing with things much better, less frustrated, more optimistic.  I have a little happy sun in my heart.

Moving on from my nauseating sentimentality, my weigh in today was AWFUL!  157.6lbs.  So overall this month, 2.6lbs gain.  NOT GOOD!  I have done exercise, stuck OP most days, drank my water but apparently I haven’t been eating the right kinds.  I’m also developing new criteria for June challenge.  I am hating WW, so not doing points.  Instead, my criteria are revolving more around exercise.  Still 64oz+ water a day, but also yoga for one hour 6 days a week, running for 30 minutes 5 days a week, and 50+ sit ups every night.  I am not doing the C25K program, although I’d considered it.  Instead I’ve taken advice from two friends who run everyday and do half marathons etc.  They suggested I start at a talking speed for half an hour, even if that’s just a fast walk or means I have to slow down after a while.  They’ve both had experience with C25K and said when you’re learning how to run you don’t keep up the same pace after stopping, and when you walk you walk too slow so the heart rate isn’t as good.

I’m also cutting out alcohol and carbonated drinks completely.  I have known for a while aspartame can mess with your digestive system, but I wasn’t aware it also increases the fat stored at your stomach, which is where I have most to lose from.  At the end of the day, I could go for an easier exercise plan or just say less fizzy drinks but I’ve come to the conclusion that that kind of plan ends up in half-assed commitment from me, which equals poor results.  If I’m going to do this, I need to be prepared to make these sacrifices and utilise this commitment.  If I balk at the thought of that I’m not going to do well.  So I’m facing June with a new resolve.

Bring it on June!  I’m going to kick your ass!

So, I was still in a bit of a funk on Friday after the whole shopping fiasco.  I had my interview for a placement in the NHS (3 hours every fortnight - not much but a foot on the ladder with a reference from a clinical psychologist = essential!) and got it, but I made a prat of myself.  It was one of those stupid questions that catch you on the hop and I was already feeling a bit uneasy because, well, I just wasn’t sure how to interpret the guy talking to me.  But basically I managed to insult my whole year group by saying I was going on holiday with senior year students because they were more my maturity level.  Now, that’s true, but I do have some good friends in my year and I realised I had just made myself sound an arrogant little (immature) girl, but didn’t know how to dig myself out the hole.  Ugh… I just will have to make up for it with my time there and working with the same guy at university.  But really, I already know it’ll be one of those memories that won’t every go away and I’ll always cringe about.

Anyway, on to explaining the title of my post …  I’m trying to turn my recent negative experience into something positive.  I look at the women in my family.  All but me and one of my cousins are quite overweight.  Me and my cousin are slightly overweight.  I don’t want to be in this category!  I don’t want to follow my mother’s footsteps and do diets for a week, give up, and put on more weight.  I look at my mum and she has good legs and arms, but all her weight’s in her boobs, tummy, face and neck.  She doesn’t really have a neck.  I want to keep mine - I like it!  I know how easy it is to eat yourself into oblivion, but I’m refusing to just resigning myself to being fat, like she has.

Now my next comment makes me feel guilty!  And seem like a hypocrite… I am really not enjoying WW.  I said I was going to stick with it for 3 months, but I just don’t like eating to fill points when I’m not hungry.  I hate having the activity conversion points.  When I counted calories I didn’t convert activity calories, I just ate my limit.  I said that was what I was going to do this time, but when they’re their, they get used.  But by the same token, calorie counting is frustrating for birthdays and events.  I don’t know.  I will keep going while I plan.

I also just updated my stars on W8C and I am half a star from 40 so I am away to do another 30 minutes just so I can get that next green star!!!  LOL.  And I’m glad you like my colourful blog Eileen - I try to add colours into my life every day, they’re so cheery!  My favourite items of clothing are my coloured tights - I have red, blue, jade, purple and pink :)  They brighten any outfit! 

Hey girlies!

Thank you for the comment BigProf, you’re right - any pound loss is so much better than one gained; I’m going to try to keep up the attitude

So yes, I went to see Angels and Demons last night.  It was enjoyable (not quite as good as the book) but I did like it.  I wont spoil the plot line but one line did make me think.  (To those who are religious: this post is not intended in any way to offend, but I have no where else to express these thoughts).

“Do you believe in God Mr. Langdon?

No!  I’m an academic…

I asked if you believe in God Mr. Langdon, not what man says about God.

I am, to a certain degree, an academic.  I believe in the power of science and the power of people.  For a good few years my belief system has been that I do not believe in an omniscient being.  I believe in each individual’s power to make a change for the good and that we should all try to fill our lives with as many experiences as we can.  But, if I’m honest, my heart has always wanted to believe there is a benevolent … thing, watching over us that guides our choices like a parent guides their child.

However, my scientific mind can’t combine this with some of the teachings of Christianity.  I refuse to condemn homosexuals or other religions.  I will not discriminate against the mentally ill nor those who choose not to believe in gods and instead place their faith in science.  The Book’s supposed to be taken literally, but that just doesn’t work.  I believe in evolution.  I believe that going to church makes you no more a Christian than sleeping in your garage makes you a car.

I believe I want to live a good life because I want to be a good person.  And then that quote brings me right back to the root of my dilemma.  Do I believe in God, rather than what man says about God?  Man is, after all, fallible.  My scientific self and spiritual self are at odds right now… who’d know a film could have such an effect?!

Moving on to less “deep” affairs, exercise was good today.  I came home from badminton absolutely dripping with sweat and puce!  I was playing against my dad, who in his teens played for Scotland in badminton.  While he’s in his mid-50’s now, he’s still in very good shape and makes me run around the court nonstop.  Definitely good calorie burn

I’m enjoying being at my parents.  Had a minor drama today where DP’s Xbox showed the red ring of death!  It’s supposed to be irreparable damage but my dad fixed it!  Somehow… it’s a technological miracle ;)  I’m going into Bravissimo tomorrow as well, I’m going to try and get a blouse for my interview on Friday.  Bravissimo design clothes to fit bigger-busted women like myself, so that it fits in the bust without gaping and across the waist without being baggy.  They’re a bit more expensive, but it is worth it for feeling so much more comfortable in your clothes!

Anyway, apologies for the disorganised lengthy post!

Good evening to you all

Mango x

Well that’s it - I am well and truly FREE!

The exam today wasn’t as bad as I had feared.  I was very lucky with questions, and they were ones I had revised for.  I think I’ve done enough and that’s all I want to say about it, I am DONE!  The only thing I’ll add is that it is weird correcting myself now - “No Mango, you don’t need to feel guilty for checking email and blogs”!

And today didn’t go as badly as I thought it might have foodwise.  It could’ve been a hell of a lot worse!  And I got two hours walking today, woop woop!

Exam food:  Dairy Milk

Lunch: one burger roll, one sausage on a roll

Tea: lentil curry with wild rice

After-tea snack: some Maltesers

Water: 86oz

Exercise: 2 hours walking, half of which was with groceries!

And I am too tired to colour code or add more to this post right now (got about 2 and a half hours of sleep last night) but rest assured exercise is going up a gear from tomorrow!

Well obviously given that I have more revision to do, procrastination is my preferred option right now.  I am not particularly hopeful for tomorrow’s exam.  I do know pretty much all my notes (apart from what I’m learning today) but while this is the layman-friendly baby subject the lecturers are harsh with their questions and even harsher with their marking.

I had a better weigh in today (= happy Mango!) and can’t wait till tomorrow afternoon!  All my classmates and I are going to Magdalen Green, a big wide open park to have a BBQ and play rounders :)  And I am going to be super active doing a MAJOR overhaul of this flat.  I tell you, biohazard suits should be worn at the moment - this is what happens when I don’t have time to do the cleaning, bf’s “picking up the slack” is little more than, well… nothing really!  AND now exams are over I will be earning super stars WOOHOO!  Gym when it’s rainy, walking when it’s sunny or playing rounders or just tossing a ball about I’ll be able to be outside again rather than stuck in learning stuff!

Weight Today: 154.2lbs (-0.6lbs)

Brunch: 2 slices of reheated veggie pizza

Afternoon snack: two plums

Tea: chilli con carne with brown rice, petit filous for pudding

Water: 86oz

Exercise: 35 minutes walking to post office and around town

Ok so updating then…  It’s 11.05pm on the night before the exam and I can tell you I am officially down-and-out terrified.  I know I know, there’s no more learning I can do now, I’ve done the best I can in a short space of time, it takes a hell of a bad answer to fail.  Regardless, I am TERRIFIED.  I can tell you now ladies, tomorrow will not be an OP food day, I am going to Tonic for my lunch (my favourite lunch-style bistro/restaurant) because I haven’t been there since February and it is a huge treat.  Also, I will probably be having some cider or what not because I will be *shell shocked*.  But there will probably be quite a lot of walking as well, so not to worry.

If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, I’m not dead, I’m probably just passed out in a hibernatory state.  See you on the other side chicks; let’s hope I’m the same person…

Mango x

Weight Today: 154.8lbs (+0.2lbs)

Breakfast: oat cheerios with semiskimmed milk and heaps of raisins

Lunch: one slice of wholemeal of bread (yup, just on it’s own!)

Afternoon snack: small sweet cinema popcorn

Tea: two slices of veggie pizza and one slice of garlic bread

Water: 72oz

Exercise: 35 minutes walking around the Tesco carpark over and over…. lol

No chocolate at all-go me!

Mango x

My mood is resembling the weather - overcast!  There’s a culmination of factors involved; being up on the weigh in this morning, stucking studying again (2 more days to go…), feeling sore and in the end not being able to do more than half hour of partner stretches which won’t count towards an exercise star.

Bummer.  I’m hoping I’ll feel better tomorrow, I just have to keep loading in the ibuprofen and fluids.

Weight Today: 154.6lbs (+0.6lbs)

Breakfast: none

Lunch: raspberry jam sandwich, Crunchie (one piece of chocolate for the day!), 2 jammy dodgers

Afternoon snack: lightly salted kettle chips

Tea: sausage and tomato pasta (grilled sausage cut up in pasta with a homemade tomato, garlic and mixed herb sauce)

Water: 64oz

Exercise: only 30 minutes of partner stretches

I really want to start doing Weight Watchers again.  I did them for a while a year or so ago and didn’t really stick with it long enough to see positive changes, but so many people are having good experiences with it, it makes me want to give it a go again.  I find it easier than calorie counting.  I shall have to wait till we’re in better financial climates though - it’s not cheap on a student budget!