It’s been a loooooong day.  Very long.  I only have three working days left across the next two weeks though and then I am finished forever, which is a nice thought.  I’m looking forward to getting my weekends back.  It’s just been a rubbishy weekend weather-wise, and work is so slow it drags on forever.  I have a dehydration sickness and nausea that’s come from no where so I’m not feeling so great right now.

I know I haven’t posted the last few days, with work and what-not I’ve been pretty exhausted by the time I’ve had a chance to sit down and haven’t really felt like writing much.  I’ve had some good days though.  My work-experience/volunteering on Friday went very well and I got some excellent advice to work on that will help me a lot working towards a career in Clinical Psychology.

What I really need to do though, is draw a line under the last two weeks.  I measured my tummy at it’s widest point today (just under my tummy button) without sucking anything in.  41″.  That is ridiculous.  Sucked in to where I normally hold it, it’s still 37″!  MEN aren’t meant to have more than 36″ waists to be healthy so this is NOT GOOD.  What is going through my head right now, aside from the “cancer, heart disease, diseased organs risks” are words from you guys like “health is our responsibility” and “we just can’t give up” and “I should be doing this because I CAN”.  I’m only 20 for pete’s sake and my BMI is 27 in the overweight range and I’m not happy with how I look!

I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this, but do you ever experience knowing you should be exercising while you’re konked out in front of the TV, computer or with a book?  Or knowing that what you’re eating isn’t something healthy, is adding a whole load of unnecessary calories - and it’s going through your head over and over while you eat - but you eat it anyway?  I get this.  I don’t understand the different stances in my head.  I want to be healthy and fit and a good weight, but there’s this other part of me that hears everything the “healthy” mind says and ignores it.  And it varies day-to-day which mind my body and consciousness follows.  Perhaps I just need to reassert some motivation or invest in some distraction techniques.

Any advice?  I’m glad all of you are here, so there’s someone to listen.  Thank you.

Mango x

I am frustrated today.  Yesterday I did all my exercise, I couldn’t have eaten much less if I wanted to be healthy, but still I gained 4 ounces today.  I mean,  I know it’s not much but I was really expecting to see it move a few ounces the other way.  I drank 96oz of water, to replace what I lost through sweat and then plenty extra.  I am just despondant.  I’m using my grace days for exercise today because I was sick this morning and have cramps so I just did my BWW and will do everything else tomorrow.

Warning be heeded - this is a rant.

As I think I said yesterday, I was going into town today for a bit of shopping with my mother so I could get refitted (bra wise) and get a properly tailored shirt from Bravissimo.  Now, I’d had a really nice morning playing Eternal Sonata on the 360 and it’s such a beautiful game I felt all calm and happy.  I was wearing my skirt that I’m wearing at my interview tomorrow to make sure the shirt matched.  I was feeling pretty good about myself, actually.

I get into town, meet with my mum, and as I’m making a fitting appointment she said “That jacket’s looking way too tight.  It makes you look fat.”  Now, this is the only summer jacket I have.  It is the one she bought for me and the one that, just yesterday, she told me I looked good in.  Needless to say, her comment pissed me off.  I should just let it wash over me, but it’s my mum - she doesn’t really let herself be ignored.

So I got refitted (32FF now, ffs) but they didn’t have a shirt that fit.  I tried the 12 super curvy but it was too baggy.  Mum started bringing me clothes in sizes 16 and 18!  She does this all the time and I’ve tried to explain how it offends me.  I mean for goodness sake she’s seen me in a 12 that looks baggy, why the hell is she bringing up those sizes?!  How on earth does she perceive me?!

After that my mood was, needless to say, deflated.  She kept trying to buy me things.  This is how my mum operates.  If she hurts your feelings she buys you stuff to make you ‘feel better’.  Then, because you’re not five and can’t just be bought with material things, she gets all upset and starts doing a teary eyed thing because you’ve not forgiven her.  She’s bought you a present after all, surely that’s enough?

I know we all have disagreements with our mothers.  But I am so infuriated!  This is the woman who starts diets for a week, gives up then complains about how fat she is.  She routinely goes shopping with me, watches me try things on and then when she sees me wearing it tells me I look fat.  I mean WTF?!  Why doesn’t she say when I’m trying it on?!

I guess I’ll never know.  But I was so upset today.  She really hurt my feelings, and my mood.

I feel a little down today chicks.  I’m not putting in food etc, because I’m using my WW tracker, but I just feel a little lost today.  Yesterday I did 40 minutes of walking, a 50 minute step class (that almost killed me) and half an hour on the stationary back after just because I wanted to get that second exercise star.  I weighed myself this morning and I’d put on 2lbs.  2lbs taking me to 156.2lbs.  I actually shed a couple of tears I was so disappointed.  Really, bitterly disappointed.

I didn’t give up today, I went to the gym but not as long because I was quite sore.  I did 40 minutes of walking, 20 minutes of elliptical and 30 minutes on the bike.  I used some of my activity points because it is my cousin’s birthday, where we went to Pizza Express.  They do “lighter” made pizzas where the base is half the calories so I got one of them.

I’m not particularly enjoying WW today.  Part of that is because I gained today, I suppose.  However, I’ve been at this for 11 days now, and I’m 1.2lbs heavier than when I started.  I just want to say screw points, 1000 calories a day and that’s it.  I feel deflated today, which is unlike me,

I’m sorry for the moody post today, but I didnt feel I could honestly write something upbeat today.  My apologies, I’ll try to be better tomorrow!

Mango x

Well obviously given that I have more revision to do, procrastination is my preferred option right now.  I am not particularly hopeful for tomorrow’s exam.  I do know pretty much all my notes (apart from what I’m learning today) but while this is the layman-friendly baby subject the lecturers are harsh with their questions and even harsher with their marking.

I had a better weigh in today (= happy Mango!) and can’t wait till tomorrow afternoon!  All my classmates and I are going to Magdalen Green, a big wide open park to have a BBQ and play rounders :)  And I am going to be super active doing a MAJOR overhaul of this flat.  I tell you, biohazard suits should be worn at the moment - this is what happens when I don’t have time to do the cleaning, bf’s “picking up the slack” is little more than, well… nothing really!  AND now exams are over I will be earning super stars WOOHOO!  Gym when it’s rainy, walking when it’s sunny or playing rounders or just tossing a ball about I’ll be able to be outside again rather than stuck in learning stuff!

Weight Today: 154.2lbs (-0.6lbs)

Brunch: 2 slices of reheated veggie pizza

Afternoon snack: two plums

Tea: chilli con carne with brown rice, petit filous for pudding

Water: 86oz

Exercise: 35 minutes walking to post office and around town

Ok so updating then…  It’s 11.05pm on the night before the exam and I can tell you I am officially down-and-out terrified.  I know I know, there’s no more learning I can do now, I’ve done the best I can in a short space of time, it takes a hell of a bad answer to fail.  Regardless, I am TERRIFIED.  I can tell you now ladies, tomorrow will not be an OP food day, I am going to Tonic for my lunch (my favourite lunch-style bistro/restaurant) because I haven’t been there since February and it is a huge treat.  Also, I will probably be having some cider or what not because I will be *shell shocked*.  But there will probably be quite a lot of walking as well, so not to worry.

If you don’t hear from me tomorrow, I’m not dead, I’m probably just passed out in a hibernatory state.  See you on the other side chicks; let’s hope I’m the same person…

Mango x

Ugh today has not been a good food day!

My exam went quite well though (finally - one exam I don’t feel sick about!) and I am studying later for the next one; Developmental Psychology.  I’m also making headway about gaining clinical experience.  A psychologist on the clinical psychology forum I’m a member of got in touch saying a 14-25hour vacancy is coming up in my area.  It’s a lot of hours, but an incredible experience, so even the interview would be a really good opportunity for me.

Also, DP finally kicked his butt into gear!  He’s got out of his funk and cleaned up a little, thank goodness.  Anyway, I’m off to make tea in a minute.  The cheesecake below was ridiculous! I was subsumed by “aaaaaah chocolate!” hormones, and couldn’t in any good conscience claim an OP food day! I am adding another contingency - only one piece of chocolate a day.  I don’t know what possesed me today, I’m just glad I reasserted self control before I ate the whole damn thing.  Naughty mango…

Weight Today: 154lbs (+/- 0lbs)

Breakfast: none

Lunch: tuna sweetcorn baguette on wholemeal with mixed peppers, plus a caramel slice

Afternoon snack: slice of cheesecake - around 540kcal, oh dear!

Tea: homemade risotto

Water: 104oz!

Exercise: 45 minute walk, 50 straight sit ups, 20 left side twists, 20 right side twists, 60 reps of 17.4lb weights

I love my risotto. I have a full-fat recipe (the original one I concocted) and a lower-cal one that I adjusted.  Instead of chicken I use extra lean turkey, red peppers and green peas.  I changed out the 35g of butter for 20g of low-fat margerine and change the richer italian cheese for a smaller amount of parmesan.  It is DELICIOUS and my token dish.  I am proud of it

Mango x