I’m not feeling so hot today.  Well, for the last few days really.

I guess I’ve just been reminiscing a lot.  I’ve also been under a lot of stress - my exam results were due out on Wednesday and there’s still no sign of them.  On top of that, one of the department released information about how many people had got As, Bs, Cs, Ds and fails before we had our results and a whole load of other bollocks which has just made everyone feel worse.  It’s just a situation that makes you feel lethargic, worn out, it’s not a great state to be in.

I’m not happy with myself either.  I know this way of living needs to stop now.  In December I was 149 and struggling to lose, now I’m 154-156 and clearly no further on.  I need to stop now before I’m at 180 and still struggling to lose weight.  It’s easier to start now than to wait till I get there.  I know that by being overweight I am putting myself more at risk of all kinds of medicinal problems, never mind the day to day annoyances of chaffing thighs, stretch marks and clothes that no longer fit.  But my head’s just not in the game.  I’ve been so lazy this last week and it’s a perpetuating bad circle because I know that by being late I am making my situation worse, yet still I just can’t push myself to do this and then I get more and more annoyed at myself for my sheer lack of caring for myself.  I’m disgusted with myself at times, how can someone knowingly do this to themselves?  I can’t answer that question, but I seem to be doing it anyway.

From this there is the offshoot of needing someone to blame.  I’m trying to accept this as a natural human tendency, baring in mind I know this is totally my fault.  But, I don’t think I can take the full blame for my preoccupation with my weight.  I was on the phone to my best friend today, who is overweight herself, but she eats healthy, has a great time and it just doesn’t matter.  I told her about my recent escapade with my mother and my shoddy attempts at weight loss, and she just remarked I worry far too much about my weight.  It was just a simple comment but I thought about it, and she’s right.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about the number on the scale, every meal brings guilt, everything revolves around my weight.  When did my life becomes like that?  In part I blame my mother, for her frequent comments which I’ve discussed before and won’t go into again.  She told me I was fat at 7, when I was full of puppy fat that I grew off.  My dad was furious, but I didn’t forget it.  From that point on I had that awareness.  How different would my life have been if I didn’t have that from such a young age?

I know the best thing right now would be to just avoid my mum for a while, but unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.  Our financial situation right now is awful.  My parents are giving us an “allowance” which we need just to be able to eat.  I hate taking it, but we don’t have a choice - it’s either that or choose between food and electricity.  In turn, how can I cut my mum out when she is being so generous?  And in truth she is very generous.  She doesn’t mean the things she says maliciously (most of the time), I know that, and the majority of issues she’s passed to me are traits from her own mother.  I’m aware of that.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I hate this post because I am normally an optimistic and can-do person.  But right now I feel I just want to take some time off being worried about weight and re-learn how to live my life when it revolves around me, and my relationships, my LIFE.  I think I’m going to withdraw from the June challenge.  I’m so sorry all of you, to let you down.  But I think right now I really need to find some direction, before I go crazy.  I’ll keep checking in of course, but I need to live chicks.  I don’t think I’m doing that right now.  I’m just so tired of hating myself, of berating myself every night as I’m trying to sleep, of criticising myself every morning after stepping on the scale, after every mouthful, after every half hour that passes that I haven’t done exercise.  I’m so fed up of living like this.  And I don’t think anyone in my family is going to understand.  I’m just giving up again.  Which makes it even worse.  I’m sorry for such melodrama.  Hopefully I’ll get my head in line soon.

I like this.  My cat does this a lot.  The other one tried to eat it.

How am I?  Not too bad thanks!  Got some productive cleaning done today, so everywhere looks nice apart from the kitchen.  DP needs to clean up his modelling stuff before I even go near there because only then will it look approachable.  But that’s ok!  I like clean houses Otherwise I am somewhat anxious.  Exam results are due this week, but my School does a fabulous thing saying “Yes results are this week, this many people passed, this many people failed, but guess what!  You have to guess when you’re results are out!”  So we have to refresh the online publication site over and over.  I’m betting tomorrow.  I slept badly last night with nerves and exam dreams - fun fun!

I am still looking at my weight loss options.  DP has program workout/weight loss/recipes etc. from a program he paid a lot for, used and saw success with.  It’s also got mass gain programs inbuilt as it’s designed for skinny people who want to bulk up with muscle mass, but if you’ve a body fat percentage of over 18% you need to do the weight loss program first.  That’ll be me then!  It’s appealling because it’s got pretty strict food plans, which are also quite restricted - mostly grilled chicken for protein with rice and veggies; comprised into 6 small meals a day.  However, because I sleep a lot and I would have a really low calorie meal (only around 150-200 per meal) and each needs to have protein, carbs and fat I might need to reduce it to five.  It also encorporates free weight and body weight lifting to increase weight loss, with proper serious weights!  So I’d be restructuring it to suit me and what I have at home.

The catch 22?  If DP doesn’t want on board, I don’t think it’d be realistic for me to achieve this.  Unless we’re both doing it and can take turns with the cooking and preparations and doing exercise together (after all, he’s gpt experience of this, I don’t), I don’t think this would be feasible.  It’s such an extreme change that me doing it while he eats as he pleases doesn’t really work when there’s only two of us in the house and we share the grocery bills - it requires a lot of more expensive fresh produce.  If we’re not both on the program, it’s too expensive on our limited budget to fund two separate grocery lists.

So I’m still pondering.  I hope you’re all having nice Wednesdays.

I am frustrated today.  Yesterday I did all my exercise, I couldn’t have eaten much less if I wanted to be healthy, but still I gained 4 ounces today.  I mean,  I know it’s not much but I was really expecting to see it move a few ounces the other way.  I drank 96oz of water, to replace what I lost through sweat and then plenty extra.  I am just despondant.  I’m using my grace days for exercise today because I was sick this morning and have cramps so I just did my BWW and will do everything else tomorrow.

So I’m freshly showered after my exercise today.  Yoga?  Good!  Walk to and from run-route?  Lovely!  Body weight workout with sit ups and lunges?  Tough but feeling strong.  Run?  Bloody awful!

Perhaps I should have taken into account the fact that the boys giving me advice on running have been playing rugby since they were seven and they’re 21 now - that’s a lot of years.  I seriously overestimated my fitness level, I practically died out there!  It is HOT, the hottest weather we’ve seen this year in this country.  I have more freckles than I did when I left this morning!  But seriously, it was awful.  I ended up running 5 lamposts and walking 5-6.

That left me seriously scared.  How am I going to do this 5 times a week?!  I can’t give up, but by gosh this is not fun!

It’s the 31st of May already, I can’t quite believe it!  Simultaneously though, it feels like this month has been the equivalent of two and a half normal months; I’ve done so much studying, sat three exams, gone to Skye for a week and all the other things in between!

Skye was a great holiday.  It was lovely to get away with my friends and I came back feeling rejuvenated and ready to go.  I also had something of an epiphany about my relationship with DP, but the good kind!  To tell the truth it was all to do with a dream I had, but don’t really remember.  I just remember lying in that half-waking half-sleeping state where you are still partly existing in your dream, but are aware you’re waking up.  I felt so contented and like a little bubble had spread around me - protecting me - and radiating from my heart out.  I’m not sure what clicked in my brain, but I woke up with such conviction that this man loves me with all his heart, and even if he didn’t it wouldn’t matter because I am truly devoted to him, and that such an emotion is not only incredibly rare but also uplifting.  Sounds a bit teen-romance perhaps, but ever since I’ve been dealing with things much better, less frustrated, more optimistic.  I have a little happy sun in my heart.

Moving on from my nauseating sentimentality, my weigh in today was AWFUL!  157.6lbs.  So overall this month, 2.6lbs gain.  NOT GOOD!  I have done exercise, stuck OP most days, drank my water but apparently I haven’t been eating the right kinds.  I’m also developing new criteria for June challenge.  I am hating WW, so not doing points.  Instead, my criteria are revolving more around exercise.  Still 64oz+ water a day, but also yoga for one hour 6 days a week, running for 30 minutes 5 days a week, and 50+ sit ups every night.  I am not doing the C25K program, although I’d considered it.  Instead I’ve taken advice from two friends who run everyday and do half marathons etc.  They suggested I start at a talking speed for half an hour, even if that’s just a fast walk or means I have to slow down after a while.  They’ve both had experience with C25K and said when you’re learning how to run you don’t keep up the same pace after stopping, and when you walk you walk too slow so the heart rate isn’t as good.

I’m also cutting out alcohol and carbonated drinks completely.  I have known for a while aspartame can mess with your digestive system, but I wasn’t aware it also increases the fat stored at your stomach, which is where I have most to lose from.  At the end of the day, I could go for an easier exercise plan or just say less fizzy drinks but I’ve come to the conclusion that that kind of plan ends up in half-assed commitment from me, which equals poor results.  If I’m going to do this, I need to be prepared to make these sacrifices and utilise this commitment.  If I balk at the thought of that I’m not going to do well.  So I’m facing June with a new resolve.

Bring it on June!  I’m going to kick your ass!

Woooo … Skye tomorrow!  I am sooo excited

We’ve got loads of board games, lots of drink, and lots of open space and a lovely space to be doing plenty of exercise!  I am looking forward to just having a great holiday

I am wanting to make a lot more progress next month weight-wise.  I need to keep pushing myself and being sensible with food and exercise.  I’ve done more this month than I have in forever, but obviously, I need to be doing more to see results on the scales.  I stupidly didn’t take measurements when I started this shindig, but I will at the end of this month, then every month after.

I am starting up a new routine when I get back from Skye, on the 1st of June, as part of my trade-off plans.  100 sit ups per night, 100 squats per night.  Not full hard core, but just a little light toning so that when the fat is finally burnt off, there’s something nice underneath

There isn’t really a huge amount to report today.  I’ll hopefully have a couple of nice photos when I get back though so that I can finally show you all who Mango is

Take care fellow chicks, hold fast and work hard!

Mango x

Extra thirty minutes and I have …. *drum roll please* …. 4 green stars!!!!  Oh yeah

I also thought during my exercise.  I want new criteria.  Keep the water - water’s important, it feed your brain and makes you able to exercise better!  I also want to be sensible with food.  So that’s still the same.  But I want trade-offs.  Sure, I can have that chocolate, but only if I do an hour of exercise.  Don’t want to do the exercise?  No chocolate.  Simple!  Party to go to?  That’s ok, but you need to be good that whole week - plan ahead - and while you’re there, enjoy yourself!  That’s what parties are for after all :)  But you need to go right on track after that, and do an extra hour of exercise to work off any drinking/party food and what not

And you want real motivation?  Here it is.  Do it - or you’ll become your mother.  Simple.  Perhaps not 100% logical or true, but motivation nonetheless.

So, I was still in a bit of a funk on Friday after the whole shopping fiasco.  I had my interview for a placement in the NHS (3 hours every fortnight - not much but a foot on the ladder with a reference from a clinical psychologist = essential!) and got it, but I made a prat of myself.  It was one of those stupid questions that catch you on the hop and I was already feeling a bit uneasy because, well, I just wasn’t sure how to interpret the guy talking to me.  But basically I managed to insult my whole year group by saying I was going on holiday with senior year students because they were more my maturity level.  Now, that’s true, but I do have some good friends in my year and I realised I had just made myself sound an arrogant little (immature) girl, but didn’t know how to dig myself out the hole.  Ugh… I just will have to make up for it with my time there and working with the same guy at university.  But really, I already know it’ll be one of those memories that won’t every go away and I’ll always cringe about.

Anyway, on to explaining the title of my post …  I’m trying to turn my recent negative experience into something positive.  I look at the women in my family.  All but me and one of my cousins are quite overweight.  Me and my cousin are slightly overweight.  I don’t want to be in this category!  I don’t want to follow my mother’s footsteps and do diets for a week, give up, and put on more weight.  I look at my mum and she has good legs and arms, but all her weight’s in her boobs, tummy, face and neck.  She doesn’t really have a neck.  I want to keep mine - I like it!  I know how easy it is to eat yourself into oblivion, but I’m refusing to just resigning myself to being fat, like she has.

Now my next comment makes me feel guilty!  And seem like a hypocrite… I am really not enjoying WW.  I said I was going to stick with it for 3 months, but I just don’t like eating to fill points when I’m not hungry.  I hate having the activity conversion points.  When I counted calories I didn’t convert activity calories, I just ate my limit.  I said that was what I was going to do this time, but when they’re their, they get used.  But by the same token, calorie counting is frustrating for birthdays and events.  I don’t know.  I will keep going while I plan.

I also just updated my stars on W8C and I am half a star from 40 so I am away to do another 30 minutes just so I can get that next green star!!!  LOL.  And I’m glad you like my colourful blog Eileen - I try to add colours into my life every day, they’re so cheery!  My favourite items of clothing are my coloured tights - I have red, blue, jade, purple and pink :)  They brighten any outfit! 

I just wanted to put in a quick post to say thank you to everyone who commented on my post - the support is much appreciated.

I do love my mum - she’s my mum after all - but I think when the time is right I need to tell her we just can’t do diets together.  Because I’m always there for her, and while I suppose her comments come from the best of intentions, they are not helpful.

I’m feeling a bit better now, and thank you for all your kindness.  It just shows you what this place is all about.  Thanks everyone

Mango xxx

Warning be heeded - this is a rant.

As I think I said yesterday, I was going into town today for a bit of shopping with my mother so I could get refitted (bra wise) and get a properly tailored shirt from Bravissimo.  Now, I’d had a really nice morning playing Eternal Sonata on the 360 and it’s such a beautiful game I felt all calm and happy.  I was wearing my skirt that I’m wearing at my interview tomorrow to make sure the shirt matched.  I was feeling pretty good about myself, actually.

I get into town, meet with my mum, and as I’m making a fitting appointment she said “That jacket’s looking way too tight.  It makes you look fat.”  Now, this is the only summer jacket I have.  It is the one she bought for me and the one that, just yesterday, she told me I looked good in.  Needless to say, her comment pissed me off.  I should just let it wash over me, but it’s my mum - she doesn’t really let herself be ignored.

So I got refitted (32FF now, ffs) but they didn’t have a shirt that fit.  I tried the 12 super curvy but it was too baggy.  Mum started bringing me clothes in sizes 16 and 18!  She does this all the time and I’ve tried to explain how it offends me.  I mean for goodness sake she’s seen me in a 12 that looks baggy, why the hell is she bringing up those sizes?!  How on earth does she perceive me?!

After that my mood was, needless to say, deflated.  She kept trying to buy me things.  This is how my mum operates.  If she hurts your feelings she buys you stuff to make you ‘feel better’.  Then, because you’re not five and can’t just be bought with material things, she gets all upset and starts doing a teary eyed thing because you’ve not forgiven her.  She’s bought you a present after all, surely that’s enough?

I know we all have disagreements with our mothers.  But I am so infuriated!  This is the woman who starts diets for a week, gives up then complains about how fat she is.  She routinely goes shopping with me, watches me try things on and then when she sees me wearing it tells me I look fat.  I mean WTF?!  Why doesn’t she say when I’m trying it on?!

I guess I’ll never know.  But I was so upset today.  She really hurt my feelings, and my mood.