It’s been a loooooong day.  Very long.  I only have three working days left across the next two weeks though and then I am finished forever, which is a nice thought.  I’m looking forward to getting my weekends back.  It’s just been a rubbishy weekend weather-wise, and work is so slow it drags on forever.  I have a dehydration sickness and nausea that’s come from no where so I’m not feeling so great right now.

I know I haven’t posted the last few days, with work and what-not I’ve been pretty exhausted by the time I’ve had a chance to sit down and haven’t really felt like writing much.  I’ve had some good days though.  My work-experience/volunteering on Friday went very well and I got some excellent advice to work on that will help me a lot working towards a career in Clinical Psychology.

What I really need to do though, is draw a line under the last two weeks.  I measured my tummy at it’s widest point today (just under my tummy button) without sucking anything in.  41″.  That is ridiculous.  Sucked in to where I normally hold it, it’s still 37″!  MEN aren’t meant to have more than 36″ waists to be healthy so this is NOT GOOD.  What is going through my head right now, aside from the “cancer, heart disease, diseased organs risks” are words from you guys like “health is our responsibility” and “we just can’t give up” and “I should be doing this because I CAN”.  I’m only 20 for pete’s sake and my BMI is 27 in the overweight range and I’m not happy with how I look!

I don’t know if anyone else struggles with this, but do you ever experience knowing you should be exercising while you’re konked out in front of the TV, computer or with a book?  Or knowing that what you’re eating isn’t something healthy, is adding a whole load of unnecessary calories - and it’s going through your head over and over while you eat - but you eat it anyway?  I get this.  I don’t understand the different stances in my head.  I want to be healthy and fit and a good weight, but there’s this other part of me that hears everything the “healthy” mind says and ignores it.  And it varies day-to-day which mind my body and consciousness follows.  Perhaps I just need to reassert some motivation or invest in some distraction techniques.

Any advice?  I’m glad all of you are here, so there’s someone to listen.  Thank you.

Mango x

Can’t believe Micheal Jackson has died…. It’s 23:44 and it’s all people are talking about.  It’s crazy.  Feels like the end of an era…

ADDITION:  I’d just like to let you all know I’ve got a Twitter account and if you’d like to follow me, my @ is 21katykat01.  If any of you have a Twitter, give me a shout with your @!

I got some of my orders through from Bravissimo today.  I love that store!  Anyone above a D-cup should shop there :D  I got a beautiful lingerie set and a tankini and swimsuit for my holiday.  I feel absolutely fab in all of them which makes such a huge difference!

It’s been sunny again today, but is getting a little overcast now.  It’s really nice and warm though, so I can complain!  My cousin came through too for a little while before visitng her bf in hospital (he has really bad tonsilitis) and it was really nice to see her.  Im going to visit her on Tuesay and see her and her brother, and her bf who should be out of hospital by then.

So here’s a couple more up-to-date pics of me, which I took last night.  I was bored and had access to a mirror and a camera lol I am a poser…

My hair looks so weirdly blonde, which it doesn’t normally.  It’d been up all day which is the only reason it has so much volume.

So posing over!

I’m starting another blog on blogspot too that’s less centred on weight-loss and is more about student life.  I’ve not got it off the ground yet, but once I have I’ll pop the link in my Blogroll.

How’s everyone’s week going?

I’m having a lovely day today.  The fog has been burnt off by the sun and it’s turned into an absolutely beautiful day.  I’ve been out for a walk to and from uni and at the moment I’ve got the TV on in the background and I’m finishing off the final parts of my Brownie Guide Leadership Qualification.  It’s one of those days where I get reflective, but in a nice way.  It’s one of those days I look at where I feel thankful for a lot of things and I feel proud of a lot of things and look at things I want to do.

I’m proud of my academic achievements.  Today was the prize giving ceremony at university so now I have a certificate to frame and put up on my wall.  (The cheque’s been put into my bank account and I’m especially thankful for that, it couldn’t have come at a better time!)  A lot of the people were in their graduation robes and it just reaffirmed how hard I need (and want) to work so that when it’s my turn to put on those robes next year for my graduation I can feel truly proud.

I’m thankful for my opportunity to get to university, for my parents being able to support me so I can focus completely on my studies next year.  I’m thankful for my health and my peace of mind.  I’m thankful for this new “at peace” mentality. I’m thankful for all you chicks here, who keep me on the straight and narrow and a place to tell my own story.

I’m making progress.  Maybe not weight wise or size wise right now (I don’t know, I’m not weighing or measuring any more) but I am feeling a lot happier.  I’m still committed to making a healthier, fitter me.  DP and I are budgetting so I can start a dance class next semester, which I’ve wanted to do since we moved here.  Plus I’m doing my Walk With Me! every day and still enjoying it.  I’ve come to the conclusion that if you want to move more it’s a good choice.  Yes, it’s basically a step counter, but it motivates me more than any other one I’ve had.

I want to keep moving, to keep making progress.  I want to change the world one person at a time :)  That’s the life mission I want to dedicate myself to

Days like today make me feel hopeful and ambitious and ready to take on anything.  I wish I could share the feeling with you, but since that doesn’t go through the internet cables too well here’s some encouragement instead:

You’re wonderful!  Being here, working as part of this community, you’re streets ahead.  That little sunny feeling you get when you lose a pound or push yourself to a new limit in your workout or the quiet satisfaction when you get your house spotless - internalise it, make it your little inner sun that brightens your mood when it just feels too hard.  Make use of what being a community means - come here when you need support and you’ll get it!  You’re turning your life around.  Be proud, be strong and well done!  You’re all inspirational

Mango x

Summer might just be here!  It’s been sunny all today and yesterday!  It’s gotten foggy now, but been lovely warm all day

I’m still working with my analogy and still loving it!  I’m also still using my Walk With Me! and upped my target to 8000 steps a day, which I’ve made 2 out of 3 days this week.  I have lots of blisters now though!

I’m afraid I’m not particularly literate tonight, but I’ll write more tomorrow, I just wanted to check in

I stepped on the scale this morning.  157.8lbs.  Eek!  Not a brilliant start to the day.  I’m trying to keep focused about it though.  I made my “Clean it up!” page, where I have everything I need to work on listed.  Food is the biggest thing right now as exercise is taking care of itself at the moment so I only need to keep half an eye on it.

I’ve only missed my walking target once in the last week, which was yesterday.  We visited DP’s parents and didn’t get back till late so there wasn’t much oppotunity for walking, but even still I only missed by a couple of hundred steps in the end.  I’m upping my target from 6000 to 8000 tomorrow.  The recommended step target is 10,000 a day but in an attempt to make more realistic targets that step up gradually I’m not going there straight off.  I’m building up, getting used to the new limit, then building up again.  So exercise is good.

However, I do need to put more effort in with food but in a sensible way.  Rather than attempt to sort out everything at once though I’ll tackle it one aspect at a time.  Breakfast is great.  I have a high fibre, low fat cereal with fruit.  Lunch is orange right now, so I think I’ll go for that next.  It’s pretty good, just a little bit refined.  Sandwiches with a little cheese or some tuna or a cinammon raisin bagel with a thin spread of extra light Philadelphia.  While philly does have more calories than say, lettuce, I don’t like lettuce.  And it is extra light.  With just a sandwich and maybe some fruit or a small milkshake I feel that’s not bad.  I’m also going to crack down on snacking at the same time.  It’s not changing anything, it’s just saying NO!  I CAN do that.

I can’t get disheartened.  Making these changes will have positive effects.  I can’t give up because I am making positive changes to my life and my health.

Good afternoon, how are we all?

I am still using my Walk With Me! and I was right, it is just a gimmicky thing but there’s something cute about it I like very much.  I think it’s the flashy light.  It doesn’t have a step count on it, just a wee light that flashes red until you reach your step target, when it changes to green.  You connect via infra-red to your DS and it tells you how many steps you’ve done and your walking style.  So far I’ve been an evening owl, a day-time horse and a day-time deer.  Hehe.  I put it on my cat for a while too, but she scratched it off too quickly.

It shows your day’s walking in a graph like that one.  And I’m having a lot of fun with it.  Every little bit of walking all adds up!  It is certainly encouraging me to move more.  I wouldn’t have paid full price for it, but I don’t think I’ll take it back.

As for my title - well DP and I did a major summer-clean today.  I wrote lists for each room of what needed doing and as I did it kind of came to me that changing our lifestyles is much like this.  I have far too much of an “everything now” attitude; as in I need to change every aspect of my lifestyle all at once right now.  It just can’t work like that - that’d be like trying to clean every room of my house simultaneously.  Not possible.  Instead, like cleaning, we need to tackle one thing at a time breaking down the house (lifestyle) into rooms (things we want to change about our lifestyle) and in turn, all the things we need to do in each of those rooms (the things we do to change our lifestyle).  It’s something we all know, but it just worked out as an allegory that fitted for me :)  I want to change my diet, exercise regime and attitude.  These break down into smaller things.  I’ve sorted out breakfast, stopped snacking and drinking fizzy drinks and alcohol.  I’m moving more and drinking more water.  I’m working on dampening the negative attitude.  Next I need to shape up lunch and tea a bit more - but I will get there.

Diet

• Breakfast
• Lunch
• Tea
• Snacking
• Drinks

Exercise

• More more more!

Attitude

• Positive mental attitude
• Can do!
• It’s not going to happen overnight, but we’ll get there…

Chicks I have to say, you are all so amazing.  Again I want to say thank you so much for all your lovely comments, you really are all the best.  You all know I’ve been struggling recently and it’s no deviation from the truth to say it is all your support that has got me through it.  More than my friends or DP, it is my friends here who all care so much and know exactly what it’s like to lose focus who’ve brought me back.  I have a big smile today!

I got some other news from the university today, too.  I won the Philip Burgess Prize, which is an award for outstanding contribution to the School of Psychology over the last academic year.  It really is an honour to be awarded it.  I just want to help people, but it is lovely to be recognised for the work you do.  I am attending the prize-giving ceremony on the 24th of June.  There’s also a £116 award, which is so nice!  The award was set up by a previous lecturer of the School, who set it up to recognise students who help out and make a difference.  I hope he’s at the ceremony so I can thank him in person.

I got in a 90 minute walk today for my “moving”, and I will do some crunches later too.  I am a bit of a freak but I love doing crunches.  Well, more I like the feeling of working my muscles.  I’m also going to get the new DS game “Walk With Me!” from work tomorrow.

It’s pretty expensive - £49.99 retail price, but I get 25% discount (the benefit of working in a games store) and have store credit from trading old things in so I won’t have to pay for it.  I know essentially it’s a bit gimmicky and a pedometer does the same thing but the game focuses more on moving rather than the specifics of what you’ve walked.  And if I’m really fed up of it, I can always return it.  Glorified step counter I know, but I’m a sucker for gadgets haha.

I hope you are all having great days and that you have good weekends.  I’m working all day tomorrow (when it’s supposed to be sunny, boo) till 6.15pm but the sun’s up until 11.45pm here until summer solstice anyway, so I should get to enjoy some sunshine.  Also working 5 hours on Sunday but it’s supposed to be torrential rain then so I don’t mind too much

Mango x

Hey everyone.

I just wanted to say thank you so much for all your supportive comments.  I am feeling a lot better about things right now, I think I needed to realign my thinking to avoid my obsessive behaviour and to gain a more realistic mindset.  All your comments did me the world of good!  Also one of Sunny’s posts, which told me in no uncertain terms in her wonderful down to earth way that being healthy is my responsibility, not something that can just be done on a whim.  I heart you Sunny :)  Hehe.

I’m not using the scale now.  I might hop on occassionally, but no more than once a month.  DP’s hidden it.  I have made myself a promise to move every day.  Not for a given amount of time or a given activity, just to move.  Walk, yoga, skipping rope, frisbee, gardening…  Moving is the important thing.  Obviously I am eating sensibly too and keeping to the no carbonated drinks or alcohol rule.  But working on moving every day I can make it a game, not a chore, and build up my activity levels as I go without the extreme focus on minutes gained, calories burnt etc. etc.

So I’m back girlies and posting again.

Oh yeah, did I say something about results?

….

I kicked those exams’ asses!  A, B+, B, B!!  I am one happy chickie!!  I need 3 A’s next year (perfectly achievable) to graduate with a First (I think it’s something like [something] Com Laude - sorry for the awful latin - for my American counterparts).  So yeh - I’m a happy girl!  And totally psyched for next year.  I’ve had the fright, I know what I need to do and I will work very hard for that beautiful degree

Mango x

I’m not feeling so hot today.  Well, for the last few days really.

I guess I’ve just been reminiscing a lot.  I’ve also been under a lot of stress - my exam results were due out on Wednesday and there’s still no sign of them.  On top of that, one of the department released information about how many people had got As, Bs, Cs, Ds and fails before we had our results and a whole load of other bollocks which has just made everyone feel worse.  It’s just a situation that makes you feel lethargic, worn out, it’s not a great state to be in.

I’m not happy with myself either.  I know this way of living needs to stop now.  In December I was 149 and struggling to lose, now I’m 154-156 and clearly no further on.  I need to stop now before I’m at 180 and still struggling to lose weight.  It’s easier to start now than to wait till I get there.  I know that by being overweight I am putting myself more at risk of all kinds of medicinal problems, never mind the day to day annoyances of chaffing thighs, stretch marks and clothes that no longer fit.  But my head’s just not in the game.  I’ve been so lazy this last week and it’s a perpetuating bad circle because I know that by being late I am making my situation worse, yet still I just can’t push myself to do this and then I get more and more annoyed at myself for my sheer lack of caring for myself.  I’m disgusted with myself at times, how can someone knowingly do this to themselves?  I can’t answer that question, but I seem to be doing it anyway.

From this there is the offshoot of needing someone to blame.  I’m trying to accept this as a natural human tendency, baring in mind I know this is totally my fault.  But, I don’t think I can take the full blame for my preoccupation with my weight.  I was on the phone to my best friend today, who is overweight herself, but she eats healthy, has a great time and it just doesn’t matter.  I told her about my recent escapade with my mother and my shoddy attempts at weight loss, and she just remarked I worry far too much about my weight.  It was just a simple comment but I thought about it, and she’s right.  There’s not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about the number on the scale, every meal brings guilt, everything revolves around my weight.  When did my life becomes like that?  In part I blame my mother, for her frequent comments which I’ve discussed before and won’t go into again.  She told me I was fat at 7, when I was full of puppy fat that I grew off.  My dad was furious, but I didn’t forget it.  From that point on I had that awareness.  How different would my life have been if I didn’t have that from such a young age?

I know the best thing right now would be to just avoid my mum for a while, but unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do that.  Our financial situation right now is awful.  My parents are giving us an “allowance” which we need just to be able to eat.  I hate taking it, but we don’t have a choice - it’s either that or choose between food and electricity.  In turn, how can I cut my mum out when she is being so generous?  And in truth she is very generous.  She doesn’t mean the things she says maliciously (most of the time), I know that, and the majority of issues she’s passed to me are traits from her own mother.  I’m aware of that.

Ugh.  I don’t know.  I hate this post because I am normally an optimistic and can-do person.  But right now I feel I just want to take some time off being worried about weight and re-learn how to live my life when it revolves around me, and my relationships, my LIFE.  I think I’m going to withdraw from the June challenge.  I’m so sorry all of you, to let you down.  But I think right now I really need to find some direction, before I go crazy.  I’ll keep checking in of course, but I need to live chicks.  I don’t think I’m doing that right now.  I’m just so tired of hating myself, of berating myself every night as I’m trying to sleep, of criticising myself every morning after stepping on the scale, after every mouthful, after every half hour that passes that I haven’t done exercise.  I’m so fed up of living like this.  And I don’t think anyone in my family is going to understand.  I’m just giving up again.  Which makes it even worse.  I’m sorry for such melodrama.  Hopefully I’ll get my head in line soon.