It’s the 31st of May already, I can’t quite believe it!  Simultaneously though, it feels like this month has been the equivalent of two and a half normal months; I’ve done so much studying, sat three exams, gone to Skye for a week and all the other things in between!

Skye was a great holiday.  It was lovely to get away with my friends and I came back feeling rejuvenated and ready to go.  I also had something of an epiphany about my relationship with DP, but the good kind!  To tell the truth it was all to do with a dream I had, but don’t really remember.  I just remember lying in that half-waking half-sleeping state where you are still partly existing in your dream, but are aware you’re waking up.  I felt so contented and like a little bubble had spread around me - protecting me - and radiating from my heart out.  I’m not sure what clicked in my brain, but I woke up with such conviction that this man loves me with all his heart, and even if he didn’t it wouldn’t matter because I am truly devoted to him, and that such an emotion is not only incredibly rare but also uplifting.  Sounds a bit teen-romance perhaps, but ever since I’ve been dealing with things much better, less frustrated, more optimistic.  I have a little happy sun in my heart.

Moving on from my nauseating sentimentality, my weigh in today was AWFUL!  157.6lbs.  So overall this month, 2.6lbs gain.  NOT GOOD!  I have done exercise, stuck OP most days, drank my water but apparently I haven’t been eating the right kinds.  I’m also developing new criteria for June challenge.  I am hating WW, so not doing points.  Instead, my criteria are revolving more around exercise.  Still 64oz+ water a day, but also yoga for one hour 6 days a week, running for 30 minutes 5 days a week, and 50+ sit ups every night.  I am not doing the C25K program, although I’d considered it.  Instead I’ve taken advice from two friends who run everyday and do half marathons etc.  They suggested I start at a talking speed for half an hour, even if that’s just a fast walk or means I have to slow down after a while.  They’ve both had experience with C25K and said when you’re learning how to run you don’t keep up the same pace after stopping, and when you walk you walk too slow so the heart rate isn’t as good.

I’m also cutting out alcohol and carbonated drinks completely.  I have known for a while aspartame can mess with your digestive system, but I wasn’t aware it also increases the fat stored at your stomach, which is where I have most to lose from.  At the end of the day, I could go for an easier exercise plan or just say less fizzy drinks but I’ve come to the conclusion that that kind of plan ends up in half-assed commitment from me, which equals poor results.  If I’m going to do this, I need to be prepared to make these sacrifices and utilise this commitment.  If I balk at the thought of that I’m not going to do well.  So I’m facing June with a new resolve.

Bring it on June!  I’m going to kick your ass!

Woooo … Skye tomorrow!  I am sooo excited

We’ve got loads of board games, lots of drink, and lots of open space and a lovely space to be doing plenty of exercise!  I am looking forward to just having a great holiday

I am wanting to make a lot more progress next month weight-wise.  I need to keep pushing myself and being sensible with food and exercise.  I’ve done more this month than I have in forever, but obviously, I need to be doing more to see results on the scales.  I stupidly didn’t take measurements when I started this shindig, but I will at the end of this month, then every month after.

I am starting up a new routine when I get back from Skye, on the 1st of June, as part of my trade-off plans.  100 sit ups per night, 100 squats per night.  Not full hard core, but just a little light toning so that when the fat is finally burnt off, there’s something nice underneath

There isn’t really a huge amount to report today.  I’ll hopefully have a couple of nice photos when I get back though so that I can finally show you all who Mango is

Take care fellow chicks, hold fast and work hard!

Mango x

Extra thirty minutes and I have …. *drum roll please* …. 4 green stars!!!!  Oh yeah

I also thought during my exercise.  I want new criteria.  Keep the water - water’s important, it feed your brain and makes you able to exercise better!  I also want to be sensible with food.  So that’s still the same.  But I want trade-offs.  Sure, I can have that chocolate, but only if I do an hour of exercise.  Don’t want to do the exercise?  No chocolate.  Simple!  Party to go to?  That’s ok, but you need to be good that whole week - plan ahead - and while you’re there, enjoy yourself!  That’s what parties are for after all :)  But you need to go right on track after that, and do an extra hour of exercise to work off any drinking/party food and what not

And you want real motivation?  Here it is.  Do it - or you’ll become your mother.  Simple.  Perhaps not 100% logical or true, but motivation nonetheless.

So, I was still in a bit of a funk on Friday after the whole shopping fiasco.  I had my interview for a placement in the NHS (3 hours every fortnight - not much but a foot on the ladder with a reference from a clinical psychologist = essential!) and got it, but I made a prat of myself.  It was one of those stupid questions that catch you on the hop and I was already feeling a bit uneasy because, well, I just wasn’t sure how to interpret the guy talking to me.  But basically I managed to insult my whole year group by saying I was going on holiday with senior year students because they were more my maturity level.  Now, that’s true, but I do have some good friends in my year and I realised I had just made myself sound an arrogant little (immature) girl, but didn’t know how to dig myself out the hole.  Ugh… I just will have to make up for it with my time there and working with the same guy at university.  But really, I already know it’ll be one of those memories that won’t every go away and I’ll always cringe about.

Anyway, on to explaining the title of my post …  I’m trying to turn my recent negative experience into something positive.  I look at the women in my family.  All but me and one of my cousins are quite overweight.  Me and my cousin are slightly overweight.  I don’t want to be in this category!  I don’t want to follow my mother’s footsteps and do diets for a week, give up, and put on more weight.  I look at my mum and she has good legs and arms, but all her weight’s in her boobs, tummy, face and neck.  She doesn’t really have a neck.  I want to keep mine - I like it!  I know how easy it is to eat yourself into oblivion, but I’m refusing to just resigning myself to being fat, like she has.

Now my next comment makes me feel guilty!  And seem like a hypocrite… I am really not enjoying WW.  I said I was going to stick with it for 3 months, but I just don’t like eating to fill points when I’m not hungry.  I hate having the activity conversion points.  When I counted calories I didn’t convert activity calories, I just ate my limit.  I said that was what I was going to do this time, but when they’re their, they get used.  But by the same token, calorie counting is frustrating for birthdays and events.  I don’t know.  I will keep going while I plan.

I also just updated my stars on W8C and I am half a star from 40 so I am away to do another 30 minutes just so I can get that next green star!!!  LOL.  And I’m glad you like my colourful blog Eileen - I try to add colours into my life every day, they’re so cheery!  My favourite items of clothing are my coloured tights - I have red, blue, jade, purple and pink :)  They brighten any outfit! 

I just wanted to put in a quick post to say thank you to everyone who commented on my post - the support is much appreciated.

I do love my mum - she’s my mum after all - but I think when the time is right I need to tell her we just can’t do diets together.  Because I’m always there for her, and while I suppose her comments come from the best of intentions, they are not helpful.

I’m feeling a bit better now, and thank you for all your kindness.  It just shows you what this place is all about.  Thanks everyone

Mango xxx

Warning be heeded - this is a rant.

As I think I said yesterday, I was going into town today for a bit of shopping with my mother so I could get refitted (bra wise) and get a properly tailored shirt from Bravissimo.  Now, I’d had a really nice morning playing Eternal Sonata on the 360 and it’s such a beautiful game I felt all calm and happy.  I was wearing my skirt that I’m wearing at my interview tomorrow to make sure the shirt matched.  I was feeling pretty good about myself, actually.

I get into town, meet with my mum, and as I’m making a fitting appointment she said “That jacket’s looking way too tight.  It makes you look fat.”  Now, this is the only summer jacket I have.  It is the one she bought for me and the one that, just yesterday, she told me I looked good in.  Needless to say, her comment pissed me off.  I should just let it wash over me, but it’s my mum - she doesn’t really let herself be ignored.

So I got refitted (32FF now, ffs) but they didn’t have a shirt that fit.  I tried the 12 super curvy but it was too baggy.  Mum started bringing me clothes in sizes 16 and 18!  She does this all the time and I’ve tried to explain how it offends me.  I mean for goodness sake she’s seen me in a 12 that looks baggy, why the hell is she bringing up those sizes?!  How on earth does she perceive me?!

After that my mood was, needless to say, deflated.  She kept trying to buy me things.  This is how my mum operates.  If she hurts your feelings she buys you stuff to make you ‘feel better’.  Then, because you’re not five and can’t just be bought with material things, she gets all upset and starts doing a teary eyed thing because you’ve not forgiven her.  She’s bought you a present after all, surely that’s enough?

I know we all have disagreements with our mothers.  But I am so infuriated!  This is the woman who starts diets for a week, gives up then complains about how fat she is.  She routinely goes shopping with me, watches me try things on and then when she sees me wearing it tells me I look fat.  I mean WTF?!  Why doesn’t she say when I’m trying it on?!

I guess I’ll never know.  But I was so upset today.  She really hurt my feelings, and my mood.

Hey girlies!

Thank you for the comment BigProf, you’re right - any pound loss is so much better than one gained; I’m going to try to keep up the attitude

So yes, I went to see Angels and Demons last night.  It was enjoyable (not quite as good as the book) but I did like it.  I wont spoil the plot line but one line did make me think.  (To those who are religious: this post is not intended in any way to offend, but I have no where else to express these thoughts).

“Do you believe in God Mr. Langdon?

No!  I’m an academic…

I asked if you believe in God Mr. Langdon, not what man says about God.

I am, to a certain degree, an academic.  I believe in the power of science and the power of people.  For a good few years my belief system has been that I do not believe in an omniscient being.  I believe in each individual’s power to make a change for the good and that we should all try to fill our lives with as many experiences as we can.  But, if I’m honest, my heart has always wanted to believe there is a benevolent … thing, watching over us that guides our choices like a parent guides their child.

However, my scientific mind can’t combine this with some of the teachings of Christianity.  I refuse to condemn homosexuals or other religions.  I will not discriminate against the mentally ill nor those who choose not to believe in gods and instead place their faith in science.  The Book’s supposed to be taken literally, but that just doesn’t work.  I believe in evolution.  I believe that going to church makes you no more a Christian than sleeping in your garage makes you a car.

I believe I want to live a good life because I want to be a good person.  And then that quote brings me right back to the root of my dilemma.  Do I believe in God, rather than what man says about God?  Man is, after all, fallible.  My scientific self and spiritual self are at odds right now… who’d know a film could have such an effect?!

Moving on to less “deep” affairs, exercise was good today.  I came home from badminton absolutely dripping with sweat and puce!  I was playing against my dad, who in his teens played for Scotland in badminton.  While he’s in his mid-50’s now, he’s still in very good shape and makes me run around the court nonstop.  Definitely good calorie burn

I’m enjoying being at my parents.  Had a minor drama today where DP’s Xbox showed the red ring of death!  It’s supposed to be irreparable damage but my dad fixed it!  Somehow… it’s a technological miracle ;)  I’m going into Bravissimo tomorrow as well, I’m going to try and get a blouse for my interview on Friday.  Bravissimo design clothes to fit bigger-busted women like myself, so that it fits in the bust without gaping and across the waist without being baggy.  They’re a bit more expensive, but it is worth it for feeling so much more comfortable in your clothes!

Anyway, apologies for the disorganised lengthy post!

Good evening to you all

Mango x

Working again today so I’m feeling pretty worn down, but I’ve got a nice week coming up!

I am visiting my new Brownies tomorrow!  And this isn’t the chocolate variety.  Brownie Guides are like young girl scouts, in the UK we have Rainbows (5-7 years), Brownies (7-10 years), Guides (10-14 years) and Senior Section (14-25 years).  I’m nearly finished my leadership qualification and I will be taking over the Brownie pack in August, where I am going to be Brown Owl, which I’m totally psyched about!  Brownies love to do badges and are much easier to deal with than the pre-pubescent Guides I work with at the moment.  I’ve already worked up a provisional program, which I can shape up once I know the school term dates (because Brownies only runs during the school term) and how this pack likes to do something.  If you’re interested in becoming a volunteer, or just to understand what on earth I’m talking about, check out the Girlguiding UK website.

I’m also going to stay with my parents for a few days, and I am looking forward to seeing them.  They’ve been so good to both me and DP, and helped us out of more than our fair share of financial problems recently.  It’s also nice to spend time just the three of us (I’m an only child) without DP.  While they’re at work I can play my computer or the Xbox and I’m also taking readings to work on for my dissertation project and some Brownie stuff.  And exercise of course!  I’m meeting them at the train station on Tuesday then we’re heading out for a meal and to see Angels and Demons, which my dad’s been dying to see for ages.  My parents are great, and I’m glad I can spend some time with them.

Weight is back to 154lbs.  It’s officially been 2 weeks now, and I’m 1lb down.  It’s not brilliant progress, but it’s better than going no where.  I need to keep pushing hard, probably try to push more than 64 oz of water a day and do as much exercise as I can.  Because, as DP keeps reminding me, while the scales might not show a difference, the exercise can’t be making things worse and if I can trim off some body fat, it’s all good.

Hope you all had a good weekend!  And P.S. I am waaay excited about being joint fifth in W8C at the moment (until everyone else updates tonight!!!)  DP hasn’t heard the end of it!

Also - I thought I’d share this, Lolcatz get me through the sad times

Work was looooong.  It’s a horrible day today, and also the week before payday for most people so I spent 8 hours of doing very little!  I took in a delivery for an hour which passed the time, lifting boxes up and down stairs, lots of heavy lifting etc. (good exercise!) but other than that - nothing!

I was annoyed after step going up to 156.2!  Yesterday I was 155.2 and today I was 153.8lbs, which I was a lot happier with!  DP is making me a meal tonight and we’re having a movie night, so it will be nice just to snuggle in and relax

I’ll update more thoroughly soon, but just wanted to let you know I wasn’t dead!

I feel a little down today chicks.  I’m not putting in food etc, because I’m using my WW tracker, but I just feel a little lost today.  Yesterday I did 40 minutes of walking, a 50 minute step class (that almost killed me) and half an hour on the stationary back after just because I wanted to get that second exercise star.  I weighed myself this morning and I’d put on 2lbs.  2lbs taking me to 156.2lbs.  I actually shed a couple of tears I was so disappointed.  Really, bitterly disappointed.

I didn’t give up today, I went to the gym but not as long because I was quite sore.  I did 40 minutes of walking, 20 minutes of elliptical and 30 minutes on the bike.  I used some of my activity points because it is my cousin’s birthday, where we went to Pizza Express.  They do “lighter” made pizzas where the base is half the calories so I got one of them.

I’m not particularly enjoying WW today.  Part of that is because I gained today, I suppose.  However, I’ve been at this for 11 days now, and I’m 1.2lbs heavier than when I started.  I just want to say screw points, 1000 calories a day and that’s it.  I feel deflated today, which is unlike me,

I’m sorry for the moody post today, but I didnt feel I could honestly write something upbeat today.  My apologies, I’ll try to be better tomorrow!

Mango x