Hollyhock

Up and at em!!!!!

I am not really that perky yet. Still having coffee.

This is my weekend list. I did get my dishes done late last night.
DS has a friend coming for 2 days and another coming for the aft while his mom is at work.
DD and I will go through her clothes. I think she needs pants. DS needs 2 pair of shoes. I got him a hoodie yesterday.

I still have 1 week to get my house in shape. I seem to have lost 2 weeks with dealing with the arthritis and simply not being able to walk or stand some days.
I did stock my pantry with lots of dry goods for school snacks.

Sat
-payroll 9-3
-DH is taking the camper back to his parents

depending if i can walk or stand
-help DS clean his room( this evening), fall clean, organize his stuff
-clean rodent cages
-paint spindles

Sunday
-laundry, 1 lol
-grocery shop,Costco
-bedding
-possibly look at/buy used portable dishwasher
-paint spindles
-clear off shelves in to boxes/tubs
-have DH move shelves
-organize stuff from shelves

Other To do’s
( I have Mon and Tues off payroll)
-write seasonal church newsletter, send for proof
-write school council year end report from June
-check on/water Peace Garden
- kids need shoes for back to school
-go through pencil crayons, markers, pencils, toss crap, sharpen
-sew holes in DS’s back pack
-send in Guides registration
-clean bathrooms
-litter box
-make pickles( may ask friend to come over and we can do it together and split)

The Big list
1)prime and paint 36 spindles, starting tonight( 10 done)
2)box up all my books( from spare room)
3)bring 2 walnut ( fake finish) shelves to den, dust
4)box up photos and albums
5)empty out big oak cabinet, have DH carry it up to spare room
6)box up videos
7)take white shelf to spare room
8 ) decide which treasures will be housed on walnut shelves in den, sort/purge the rest
9)go through DDs’ toys/treasures- sort/toss/ store on shelf in her room
10)go through DD’s dresser, make list for back to school clothes etc( dont think she will need much)
11)clean DD’s room
12)buy new sheets for DD’s bed, she has my old double bed and my old sheets, at least 20 years old
13)go through DS’s toys/treasures- sort/toss/ store on shelf in his room
14)go through DS’s dresser, make list for back to school clothes etc
15)clean DS’s room
16)clean my room
17)pickles-just heard cucs are ready
18)sew/mend DS’s back pack
19)Mon Aug 17- DD has camp, Mad Science and dentist
20)sort and clean in basement
21)clean fridge in and out
22)make peach jam, can sliced peaches
23)can salsa, tomato sauce-maybe Sept?
24)Tues Aug 18 -prep camping gear, tubs( dishes etc), plan food
25)Thurs morning shop for camping food
26)
27)
28)
29)
30)

I have payroll Wed-Sat each week.

Not sure what else today holds. I desperately want a clean home. That still means organizing stuff post reno.

Will need to make callls to chiro about my feet, get 3 meals, laundry…..

Sat

I had a very busy work day. I am thankful for my dear clients and earning stellar income today. Once I stopped standing and working I really broke down . The pain was terrible. Driving home was awful. It took my two hours of resting to be able to stand of walk. Dh has been doing quite a bit for him. I am thankful that too.The kids have been sweet. I am in a horrible ,horrible mindset. I cant shake this terrible sadness.
I have been here once or twice to read posts and could not bring myself to write to everyone. I wanted to and I still do and get so overwhelmed
I am at such a loss as to what to do for myself to make this better.
I did wash cut up and cook potatoes and broccoli for supper. DH bbqed steak. I soaked my feet and gave them a gentle rub with lotion and then scooped the litter box and took it out.
I am hoping DH will take the guinea cage out to dump it. He never has in 4 years. I will ask.

So many hugs and well wishes, my friends.

Sun

I feel so bad about being such a wet blanket. Thanks for listening to me.
I have been looking at local pain clinics on line. They are very expensive. I am self employed so am not covered by WSIB. I do not have extended health benefits for this. Orthotic shoes are $500.00. I am having deciding what to do and where.I have been looking at other possible jobs. I have never had a job where I did not stand. I have spent 2 years building a good clientelle where I am , obviously , with long term plans to be there.

Oh my, it just started POURING rain.

My Great Uncle was a good guy. He was 93. He was a very large living , kinda loud( hard of hearing), loving man. He adored me and I him. There will be a memorial service Sept 25. He will be buried at the military cemetery near here.

My doc has told me nothing other than prescribe pain meds.Anything else I know( which is not much) I am figuring this out on my own. I have called my naturopath twice and not heard back. The chiropractor in the town where i work charges a lot of money even for a consult. Everything will cost $100’s each. I need to plan it well and decide where I can spend money that we do not have.My friend who is a good massage therapist will give me a free consult.
Everything seems to take sooooo long. It took 2.5 weeks to see the doc and then 1 week for results, 1 week to wait to see the podiatrist…..it has been 4 weeks of unbearable pain. The pain meds barely take the edge off.

I think DH wants to go to friends today. I would like to go to Costco and get stocked up for back to school and regular stuff.

It is only 13C/55F today.

Did i mention I have my period for the 3rd time this month. Seriously.

I think I am having a midlife break down of some sort.

Today is a new day. Not sure what it holds. Busy work from 1-8. Reflexology after work. Already scheduled , not sure how that will feel on my feet.
I need to make something for supper for later, do some painting and maybe help DS clean out his room. DD is at day camp.

TA Da
-read articles about OA
-took a glorious bath
-cuddled with DS

To Do
-pick up a few items to make lasagne
-get script filled
-make lasagne
-fold laundry
-clean K
-go to work

Morning routines are done. Kids and I ready to launch. DD goes to cooking camp. DS to the sitter, me work til 4. It is already booked right up.

Still very depressed about the arthritis. Processing it.

Hugs!

So, I have osteoarthritis in both of my feet and bone spurs in my right foot, big toe joint where the most pain is. I ma pretty bummed out to have a degenerative disease with no cure but I will cope. I also have several heel spurs that i have never felt.
My blood screens were all in the excellent range for glucose, uric acid,colesterol, kidneys, thyroid etc. My blood pressure was bang on.

I am looking at life long pain management. I have a call in to my Homeopath for another opinion. I am not sure about suppliments like ginger, MSM, Glucosamine…

Anyhow, that’s the scoop.

I wanted to take a moment and thank all of you for your friendship and wisdom and support and shared laughter and life experiences.
I am celebrating the eve of my 10th wedding anniversary. It has been many years since I have been able t look at my wedding pics and feel feel it was all some terrible hoax. Not so today. One heck of a journey, this 10 years has been. My marriage is okay these days. Not great and and over the moon , not even close to what the gal below hoped and dreamed but it is what it is and I am thankful for the healing and peace and journey thus far.

I was also touched by the passing of 3 Grandmothers who were at our wedding and the loss of others in our lives and so many broken up marriages amoungst our friends.
The 3 albums full of random pics throughout the day are sooooooo much fun.

We will camping this weekend with 4 other families. Cant wait.

I am still struggling very much with foot pain and worried about my health in general. Have been to the doc and had exrays and blood tests. waiting for results. i have been eating well and on plan for a week now.

Hugs!!!

Hot and hazy one here today.
Calling for thunderstorms all next weekend when we are camping. Just like last year. boooooo Sending out positive no rain vibes. It is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock ’spose chanting no rain, no rain is appropriate.

This foot of mine flared something terrible last night.I have never felt so much pain. Way, way worse than natural child birth or a broken bone. I took 2 ibuprophen and 2 tylenol at once to get to sleep. When I had my babies that is what the hospital gave me for pain and swelling post birth. it seemed to work.

I am quite down about having gout. The reason I can see that I have it is that I am fat. I know i am fat. I think about losing weight and exercising and i dont. It is not easy. I know I cant live like this. After a day of standing at work on my foot and then standing at the sink here, and cooking and running up and down the stairs I am almost crippled.
I should be eating a low fat high fibre diet. Quite the opposite of the current popular views. I should not have the dark green veggies either.
By BMI charts I should lose 90 lbs. lol I have not weighed what those charts say since I was 13.It is not realistic for my build. At my lowest adult weight when I was working out and had very low body fat I weighed 30 lbs more than the BMI charts.
I will get blood work done too for sugars and thyroid. Both run in my mom’s side.
I will go for groceries this morning and I promised to take the kids swimming at a friends. We were invited last night but DD was a princess sucky pants ( PSP for short) so we did not go. i may bring one of the boys home to sleep over in the trailer with DS.

I did get DD’s room sorted out.I emptied out her “stuff” a month ago. It has been stacked in tub in my room since. I did clean out the dresser and have been using it for her clothes. I put an old dresser and shelf in her closet for toys and crafts etc. Got it all put away last night.

Coffee is almost finished. Need to shower and go for groceries.

Yesterday got better. I gave myslef a free pass on doing everything. I haer that some people actuslly get 2 days off a week.

Decided to contemplate life.
I like to put it in writing. I found this from -
Jan 5 2009

When I picture abundance for me it looks like and feels like:

Happiness & ease. Calm. A completed home. Plumbing repaired. Downstairs bathroom completely renovated. The stairwell renovated. Hardwood floors. Steady flow of clients at work. Kids who do not bicker every time they get in the car. Meaningful conversations. Laughter. DH happily employed. Gardening. Reading. A clean home. Dishes are done every day. Adventurous excursions with the kids. A paved driveway. Renovated drive shed. A new car for DH. Canning pickles, peaches, jams, relish, salsa. Being slim and fit. Genuine friendships Nutritious and yummy food. A variety of food. Debt free. Savings. Retirement funds. Feeling joy.Feeling refreshed and renewed. Yoga. Fullness of life. Living in gratitude.
Gentleness. Synergy. Solitude. Fulfilled children. Parenting with intellect and love. Being present.
I do believe I am worthy of all of this.

This was written 7 days before Grandma died. Life was a bit of a blur. I dont remember doing this exercise.

Checking in with it.

Jan 5 2009

When I picture abundance for me it looks like and feels like:

Happiness & ease. Happier and more at ease.
Calm. often
A completed home. on it’s way
Plumbing repaired. yes
Downstairs bathroom completely renovated.
The stairwell renovated. YES!
Hardwood floors.in the fall!
Steady flow of clients at work.YES!
Kids who do not bicker every time they get in the car. Less and less
Meaningful conversations.YES!
Laughter.YES!
DH happily employed.Yes!
Gardening.not enough
Reading.YES!
A clean home.
Dishes are done every day.
Adventurous excursions with the kids.YES!
A paved driveway.
Renovated drive shed.
A new car for DH.fixed up old van and bought a motorcycle
Canning pickles, peaches, jams, relish, salsa.soon
Being slim and fit.
Genuine friendships YES!!
Nutritious and yummy food. A variety of food.YES!!
Debt free.
Savings.
Retirement funds. Some
Feeling joy. often
Feeling refreshed and renewed.
Yoga.
Fullness of life. more fulfilled
Living in gratitude.Always!
Gentleness.
Synergy.ah yes
Solitude. some
Fulfilled children. definitely more so
Parenting with intellect and love.I think so
Being present. mostly

I do believe I am worthy of all of this.

Enjoying my coffee right now.

I have 36 spindles to prime and 2 coats of paint. my goal for today is the priming.
It is overcast. Our sitter and family are camping near by. We might go visit for the aft.
I am going to the city tonight to pick up a used exercise machine thingy. It is the Gazelle.Like cross country skiing. I have been saying for a year I am going out for a walk and just dont do it. I have never tried a machine before.I know bikes and steppers hurt my knees. I cant fit in a membership some where. When I was home with the kids full time I did videos but now when I am here there is never a tv free. I really am tired of being fat.
I keep thinking about my moms addiction with alcohol. She is in such denial and talks about other’s drinking problems like she doesn’t have one sigh. Obviously being overweight is an addiction as well. I do recognize it.
I struggle with a deep sense of laziness. I know I am a busy person. I used to have more drive or joie de vivre. Deep down I think , what’s the freakin point?….about much.
DH bought new work boots yesterday the box and bag are in the middle of our “new” diningroom. It will sit there for weeks/months unless i pick it it up. I looked at it this morning. sighed deeply. Having a beautiful new room we created ourselves is not going to motivate him to pick up his own sh*t. Why, oh why, does he fundamentally believe it is up to me. Because I have ovaries?
He will sit there and watch and turn the tv up louder when I talk my kids through cleaning up their own stuff and helping around the house. He has muttered before about me being a b*tch.( not recently)

I tread a fine line between doing chores/household because I do have a responsibility to teach my kid and set the example and I do love the domestic arts and doing it with resentment and muttering F you in my head the whole time. I dont love creating a “home” anymore/ So much of that joy has been taken away from me.
My weight is the same. Lazy thoughts block me. Given the choice of sitting here connecting with people or reading quietly and exercising. You know my choice. We eat well but I eat too much. It seems a simple pleasure when so much of what I do is impacted by those I live with and nothing here is really about or for me.Well, except for the part that I love my dear kids and dh and love my home. lol
I lived alone for15 years. I always a cute little place. It was not flawless but ti was tidy and clean. I never thought I would live with such mess and cluttered and often dirt. I dont out stuff off. I honestly have never peed on the toilet or left hair on it. I resent cleaning it. deeply. I do not do it enough. That really swings into unhealthy. I let the pots and pans pile up. I have a major dust allergy but dont dust regularly. One would need to see the horizontal surfaces to dust them.
The burden of this singly being my responsibility( and DH firmly believes it is , simply because i am the mom and wife) weighs heavily on my spirit. There is no talking , communicating , arguing, setting the example etc to be done. I have tried everything. I have walked out with 2 babes in arms…..
He will and has my life and consequently my kids life hell when I challenge him.He is that deeply rooted.
That said we have eked out a sense of peace and home. mostly by my compromise and still maintaining my “self” in this. A fine line.
Others tell me he adores me. I believe it is a more of a fundamental need. He counts on me emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually…. as much as my children do.
I could keep my home up better and I could lose weight. If I could make myself do it. I used to make myself be here in this marriage and do then work to save it. Now it is easy. I am not unhappy.

I have been up for 1.5 hours. I have done nothing but sit here and drink coffee, surf, read blogs and write.

Wow. A week sure flys by.

Giving myself a couple of hours as a day “off”. Kids slept in. We dont have any pressing engagements. I have been looking for a few things on Kijiji. I find myself strangely fascinated by what is in the background of the pics of the items. Feeling quite the voyeur.

Today is really bout painting spindles and maybe some cleaning.

29 days til the kids go back to school. I want to maximize this “free” time. Hockey starts the first week of Sept too. We go camping Aug 21 weekend with 5 families. We have a friend coming from Tokyo Sept 4. DS has a golfing date with my dad the last week of Aug. DD has a week of Drama camp. Like she needs more drama.

I have been looking for an eliptical or treadmill. I ahve been telling myself for a year i will get out and walk. Did it maybe 5 times. OUr spare room will now be mostly empty with the reno near completion. DH has an invertor board and weaight bench in there. I can add a treadmill.

From Sunday

I need to say this out loud so I can move on. My mom was a real jerk last night. My dad even told her to stop being such a jerk.
DD had been to visit for 2 days and they all had a really good time. Yesterday my sis and fam and another family( friends of theirs) were there. My mom drank too much and wavered between argumentative and syrupy. My kids were super fed up with her. I was tired, coming down with a cold….it was way tooooo much.I could have cried the whole way home but did not.Deep breath….moving on.

Today we have DH’s parents dropping in sometime. Dont know when.Maybe for a meal.
I very much need to clean my bathrooms and kitchen for starters.The whole house needs it. I need groceries too.

Back to Today-

We had a very nice visit with DH’s parent. Ate in our new diningroom.Then we went swimming at friends. Followed by a fab summer thunderstorm.

Anyhow- should go do something.