Hollyhock

Today I am thankful for
-Benjamin Moore Cloud White paint!!
-stair trim is completely painted and looks soooooo pretty
-my days off payroll!
-yummy food to cook
-washer and dryer
-3 days home just me and DD ( during the day)

DS has been at my parents since Sunday evening. My Dad takes him to golf camp. Ds loves it. DS also likes the one on on with my Dad.
Tomorrow after payroll Dd and I will go pick him up and stay for supper. I am making extra tonight for Dh tomorrow. DD Is my “easier” child. DS demands sooooo much attention I am afraid she gets lost in the shuffle. We are both enjoying our time here with DS away. She and I both miss him but not the constant conflict and drama. Mornings are quite lovely and it takes the 2 of us less than 1/2 the time to get ready than when Ds is here. It is what it is tho. Ya know, life.

We are kinda creating our dream home.
When we were looking for a home we knew it would be a fixer upper. DH wanted a big garage and I wanted a decent kitchen. It needed to be rural but not right in a rural village.I needed to be no further than 30/40 min from my Grandma. We bought a location.
The house is 2400 sq ft with big rooms, 8 ft ceilings on the main floor, 7 ft sloped ceiling upstairs and we have a basement that was very crude and full of water but now is cleaned up with new drainage and is painted concrete. So, another 900 sq ft of usable space for storage and hockey and playing.
We lucked out to be in a great community with a great school. We are committed to being here longterm( like forever).
This house was a store, restaurant and gas station in the 60’s and 70’s. People still refer to it as the Diner.
Our home reno Ta Da’s are pretty amazing when you look at the big picture.Sometimes it helps to think back. I do this out loud for DH. He is very hard on himself.
Outside- roof, venting, insulation, siding, excavated the entire front of the property( it was tarmac), graded it by hand, new laneway,gardens, new windows in whole house, back deck, front verandah.
Inside- took out outside wall in each bedroom and insulated and redrywalled( new windows in), completely gutted bathroom and redid-walls,ceiling floor, tile , tub, sink, toilet, paint; painted 4 bedrooms, laminate flooring throughout( 900 sq feet), painted hallway, ceiling walls, trim; rewired, painted carpeted back hall; living room-painted ceiling walls, trim( everything I paint gets 3 coats each), reno of stairwell and diningroom and den, took out 2 wall and replaced stairs, new ceiling and electrical, painted
Basement- tore up concrete floor, put in drainage, new sump drain, poured new concrete, sealed, took out oil tank and furnace, put in gas furnace, painted out all the concrete.

Next we will put laminate flooring in the whole main floor excluding the kitchen which has vinyl. Gut the downstairs bathroom- take out tub, install shower stall, new walls, ceiling floors.
Wowzers. It seems like a lot when you write it all down and it is a lot. It was done in little bits at a time over 9.5 years.
I am thankful. The upstairs only needs baseboards and it is complete.
I am looking forward to sitting in my DR in my Grandma’s chair reading with her lamp.
Her table( now mine) folds up so it is a side table.So our DR will be more of a sitting room with the fireplace as the focal point.

I am super tuckered out. This painting machine is done for today.

Today-
-take Dd to camp
-breaky, bath
-1 lol in washer
-listen to good tunes
-contemplate life , the universe and everything

-tape off stair trim
-paint primer
-wash dishes
-make some calls
-paint 1 coat paint
-clean LR
-paint 2nd coat paint
-pick Dd and friend, feed them
-laundry
-paint 3rd coat
-assess where I am at
-make supper
-clear up
-take DD to library
plunk DD into bathtub
-fold, put away DD’s laundry

Read book, fold laundry.

I have sooooooo much cleaning to do now that most of the painting is done.
I am very happy with the paint.

Reno To Do
-paint 50 spindles( 25 are primed, 6 are finished)
-stair guy come back and install railing
-wash windows and screens( drywall dust)
-install curtain rods
-wash and hang curtains
-vacuum and more vacuming
-wipe down DR furniture
-put furniture where it belongs
-empty 2 book shelves from spare room and bring down to den
-sort through books
-decorate rooms , hang pictures, make some artificial floral or greens arrangements

And then in the rest of the house( sigh) Kitchen needs a spring/fall type clean, as does the basement.
And the yard.

My next few days are busy.
Wed-payroll, pick up Ds, dinner at rents
Thurs- payroll 1-8, morning- paint spindles
Fri- payroll 9-4, roast turkey for sunday Bday dinner?
Sat- payroll 9-3, 5pm pig roast at friends
Sun- going to folks cooking a roast turkey dinner and all the fixin’s for Mom’s bday, for 20 people
Mon- is a civic holiday here, no plans but want to do spindles if they are not done.

I am excited about recovering my home from 3 months of reno. I do know that I let things slide a great deal with out the reno.
On the main floor we have always had something pulled apart. We do still need to redo the downstairs bathroom but the living spaces will be complete( except for the floors). Each room will have a function. The key is to keep it decluttered.It really p*sses me off that DH will not put away his own stuff or ask the kids to. That is my bottom line with home making. I have considered ending my marriage over it. It is a long haul( 50 years or so) to not be supported or valued. It speaks to greater stuff for me but the lack of help is the tangible symptom.
12 years later i am still here and we are in a good space in our marriage currently.That does not mean he is helping or supporting, it means we are getting along and our kids are happy and we have a system that seems to work. It is heavy on me doing everything and me sucking it up So the positive stuff is- he is incredibly hard working, he knows who he is and is true to himself always, we have identical family, financial, parenting values. He is great with spending time with the kids in a meaningful way. He has worked harder on this reno than any other and he has not been a miserable troll at all. He gladly participates/parents on Thurs and Sat when I work.

I am trying not to get ahead of myself. I am excited to clean and put the rooms back together. There is still trim to do and the stair guy needs to come back and put the railings on.
We also have a friend from Tokyo coming to visit Sept 4. I would like to have the house and yard in shape when he comes. Motivation. Reno and house first then gardens/yard.

I am facing the reality that I probably have arthritis in my right foot. Big toe joint. It has been painful off and on for months and I just ignored it. Bit now the pain is excrutiating and it looks much more swollen than the left foot. I need to go to the doc and get it looked at. I keep thinking about you and others who have arthritis and how much pain I have in one little toe. ( I have a high pain threshold, gave birth naturally and enjoyed it)
I honestly cant imagine having this kind of pain all through my body.Feeling much admiration for those who cope with chronic pain and do such much with their lives.( could also be a bunion or gout)

I have been getting lots of exercise cutting grass with the push mower and painting. I have been eating better this week.

That’s my day in a nutshell.

I am a painting machine. 4 hours of painting today and 2 hours of mowing with the push mower. Plus being a mom and short order cook.

3rd coat of paint is complete on the reno. It looks fabulous!!! Finishing trim tomorrow.

Ds is away golfing with my dad. DD and I are enjoying the solitude and each other. Dh continues to be happy-ish and helpful.

All is well.

Our good 3FC friend Madcat has lost her dear sister. Love and prayers(((Madcat)))).

It has been a good week. Physically I feel like I live is quick sand some days but all is well.

I am a wee bit tuckered out but very pleased!! I have completed the first glorious coat of Benjamin Moore Maple Syrup paint on the entire reno. My DH cut it all in yesterday for me. The same DH actually said he really liked the paint colour and how the reno was coming together. My beloved cup 1/2 empty guy is lookin’ a lot like a cup 1/2 full sorta dude. :D  :D 

Feeling a sense of renewal and family partnership as we work on this project together.

Work tomorrow and then going to see the completed renovation of my dear Grandma’s home. It was bought by the son’s of one of her long time neighbours. i have known these “boys” since I was a little kid.

Hugs!!

Waving Hello’s to all!!

Well, i have mostly survived another year. :D  LOL Started my day with a coffee then a bike ride with DD to the photography camp. The bike riding is easy. That seat hurts my butt like mad.
It is overcast. Planning on going to the beach this aft and still will. Letting my parents take me out for dinner for my Bday. ( I invited myself and made the suggestion) ( they were thrilled).

To Do
-wash dishes
-sew button on DS’s shorts
-start a lol
-paint a section of wall just because I cant wait to see the wall colour on the wall
-order curtains and rods

I have the BEST Chick friends ever!!!

I suppose it helps to write and gain some clarity. Hopefully release it.

A friend wrote-” although I know that I have shared so many struggles and trials of life with you , that you are used to it, and used to my way of trying to just get back in the saddle again and move forward… and if you get tired of the struggles I share, trust me, I get even more tired of them, and I could really really use some encouragement about now. I’m having a very hard time with this one.”

I have definitely been here. Times when things were so bad it seemed like a terrible movie and could not be my life and it got weirder and worse at times. I kept trying and getting back in the saddle. Now that the worst is over and behind me it does not even seem real or that it happened to me and my family, even tho I know it did. When I did try and share and ask for support IRL I was judged and turned on. I was very much alone. After a year or so of complete isolation I found a chat group. I never shared the whole ugly truth but enough to gain some support and friendship.
I am here to listen and support. I have a great fear my children might head down a similar path as yours in spite of all my love and care and what ever i put in place for them to help them. Rarely a day goes by where he does not have an emotional crisis of some sort. Again, regardless of how much love, support, understanding, intuitiveness is present on my part.

I do think sometimes now when I can not find the mojo to even wash the dishes is a fall out from years of turmoil. I dont have the hopes and dreams of a young bride and mom anymore. The dream of creating a home and family full of love and grace and happiness and joy. There has often been not much of this on the surface. Always present underneath tho. I am very much alone as a parent and homeowner and human being in the sense of the caregiving, thinking, processing… so my DH is present and is not in crisis and is in a softer place than before but the burden of holding my family up and together is completely mine. He counts on me as much as my children do.
I have been struggling with these thoughts and emotions all week.

Since I have seen and spoken to my mom several times recently, she is on mind and  heart. He intentions are the best. She is an alcoholic and all the selfish crud that goes with that and she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. She does have her heart in the right place and means well but often falls way off the mark. I turned out okay, with a lot of bumps along the way without a functional mom. Dare i hope for my own children as they do have a functional mother.

In spite of the angst and pain she has created in my life she is still my mom. My sis and I planned a celebration for her 65th Bday in Aug. I will cook a roast turkey dinner for family and friends, around 25 people. Low key but special. It feels like the right thing to do.

My butt cheeks hurt like heck from riding my bike for over an hour yesterday. Darn seat. One would think with all this padding it would not hurt.

Time to face my day.

random thoughts from today-

My Dad just turned 67 2 weeks ago. He claims his is fine with his age and does not feel old but I would please stop telling people that I ( his baby) was turning 44, that is just impossible. I find my 40’s, as in the actual number, baffling. I remember asking my dear Grandma, what does a 40 something, wife, mother of 2, homeowner, entrepreneur, book worm, former party girl supposed look and feel like. She just laughed and shrugged.

It has not been very summery.
14C/57F here right now and raining. I dont mind the cool temps so much. Some sunshine would be nice. Not great beach weather either.
There was a girl DS met at daycamp at the fair on Friday night who kept giggling and waving at DS. It seems,I am in the pre stages of dating with my DS. Often, these 10 year old girl will walk past Ds and grin and give him a little slap or pinch and giggle and make faces. He rolls his eyes and says they are soooooo annoying. And so it begins.

Had a glorious bath. Took the kids to a very nice church service/ day camp wrap up party. Went for groceries. Took DS, DD and neighbour girl for a looong bike ride through the camp ground.

I have some shake n bake chicken in the oven.  DS has a friend coming for a sleepover/camp out. DD and I will work on sorting her stuff in here room.

I just finished the Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

I am now reading Rise and Shine by Anna Quindlen.

Still contemplating my need To Do’s and want To Do’s.

I have some time to write and i had some time to think stuff through today.

Def needing some “me” time. The universe gave it to me today. *grins*

I had 2 clients each booked for 2 hours not show. One flew in an hour late and  paid for her appointment and then flew out again. So I sat and made a thorough list of necesssary to do’s, the kid’s plans, reno stuff, things I want to do, goals, dreams…..

I have not been falling asleep well, often up til 2-3 am. I feel tired all day with allergies and cant sleep when I go to bed. boooo

Probably menopausal stuff too.

I was feeling down this week about feeling down.lol. seriously. Mad at myself because I have put all this great stuff in place, like day camp for the kids, working less for the summer, no sports for the kids, declining many social events,hubby and I are getting along well…. and I was still feeling burned out and sad-ish. I am waaaaaay less stressed than in the past because i have somewhat simplified things. Bottom line is-even tho DH is not being a crusty old goat and the kids are in a  pretty good space and the reno is going well, we are gainfully employed, everyone is happy- I still do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry , groceries, finances, thinking , planning ,yardwork, caregiving…… it is still a freakin’ huge load. Is it better when i am not being verbally abused and run down?- heck ya! It is still a lot.

I am thankful I dont have near as much on my plate. Still lacking some me time.

I am tired of being fat. Overewhelmed by the eternal-ness of diet and exercise that will be my life.

I need to take my allergy meds regularly.

We are going in an hour for a BBQ near by. I am going to nap.

Hugs!!!!

Sitting and regrouping for the rest of my morning. Hopefully can catch up and read here too. Feeling very scattered.
The kids are at camp. DS is really feeling the week and was tired and grumpy this morning. After breaky I split a can of coke with him for some pep. They have a great day planned there and he will be canoeing. DD just floats along with it all and loves every minute.
They are going home with friends afterward today because I work 1-8. Makes me sad because I really miss them on Thursdays. I am sure they will have fun.

I have 2 hours right now to
-make supper
-shower
-do dishes( I was headachey from allergies last night and went to bed instead of doing dishes)

DD’s room is all cleaned out. All her belongings are in tubs in my room and I have vacuumed out her dressers and deep cleaned the entire room. No more drywall dust there. A nice fresh start. Sunday aft she and I will redecorate( moving around furniture) and then go through her belongings and put stuff away and hopefully purge some.

Our local fair is on all this weekend. In the past we have been in the parade and participated in different events. This year we will go the Friday evening for the family dance and events. The rest of the weekend we are taking it “easy”.
I work Saturday. I bought DH the ceiling paint that rolls on pink and drys white for the reno. He will do that on Sat.
I have declined going to several pool parties and BBQ’s this weekend. It is nice to be included and i dislike saying no but we really need time at home.
There is a family BBQ for the daycamp on Sunday noon. DD and I will go for sure.

DD will be back at the 1/2 day day camp here next week. The theme is photography. She is excited. Ds will be ready for something more low key.
I am off Mon and Tues. I may be able to paint the walls of the reno.

It feels good just to write this all down and see it.

I am still a little down but working through it. Food choices have been better but not perfect.

Hugs!!!

Kids delivered to camp. I am having a scrambled egg and rye toast.
Took the kids to EB games yesterday evening to trade games. Ended up with a bad allergy headache and went to bed.
Supper dishes still on table.Pots to wash. DW to un and re load. Tons of housework and weeding to do.

Recorded WW points for yesterday. I was 21 pts over. Seriously. I had a DQ Blizzard with the kids for 14 pts. The 2 days I recorded I was also about 20 pys over. I did lose 3 lbs this week for the 5-6 I had gained. I was feeling super bloated so I am sure it was water.

Having trouble deciding what to do today. Necessary - cleaning the kitchen.

I will take a bath at 2 pm before I get the kids.

DD’s room and weeding are important as well.

Feeling so much better today. Less emotional. a layer of sadness exists but it is not so heavy.

Sunnis wrote the most incredible post yesterday. Cant stop thinking about it.

http://sunnygee.blogspot.com/ ( from July 12)

I was already 1/2 there to processing this but it hadn’t quite formed in my head. Obviously coming from a family with addiction I can can see that being overweight is much the same. Less harmful and socially acceptable to eat and enjoy food and all but it is a slippery slope for me.

it is very comfortable and safe to be this weight. For many years my weight has been the least of my worries with a husband and son in crisis at the same time followed by my DD being severely bullied all the way through grade 2 and breaking down and knowing my dear Grandma was dying and then she passed. And of course the ongoing life stuff, like single handedly maintaining a home, family and all that entails. The pieces have all been pulled together well . Right now life feels calm and easy for all of us. This most recent home reno has very much been a family project with all of us on the same page. I cant say this for past renos. Summer break so far has been okay, pleasant.

Going back to read Sunnie’s post.

A cool ,sunny day here. My fav!

To Do -I am home 9:15-2:40; feels weird not to have the kids here when I am home, almost guilty

-finish getting kids ready to launch
-take kids to Day camp, it is at a church and there is bible study but it is not called a VBS
-pick up milk, potatoes
-take wall colour back to store to get it shook, buy ceiling paint
-clean, clean, clean- every room in the house needs a deep clean
-weeding

-take a roast out of freezer
-take DS bike to shop for repair

Starting with the kitchen.
-wash hand dishes
-run DW
-sweep/steam mop