Hollyhock

We all slept well. Ds crawled in with us in the middle of the night. DD is still sleeping. I went to bed at 10 and woke at 8. We sure needed it. No plans today, thankfully. Lots of puttering to do. DD is going with the Dad and girl across the road to a outdoor kid’s place.

Still been waxing philosophical and emotional in my head but working through it. Lots of stuff stirred up this week. Having a childhood friend here has somewhat taken me back to that place. A part of it is that my DS in particular but both my kids are a similar age to when I really disconnected from my family of origin or , honestly, when my Mom checked out and stopped being my Mom. This is not about blaming or scapegoats or excuses but it is the truth. When I was 10 my Mom decided it was too hard to be my mom, I was not the daughter she wanted me to be etc. I really, [i]saw[/i], my Ds this week and just how much he needs me as a Mom for everything- really, guidance, love, support, shared life experience and all the basic caregiving stuff and i mourned very hard for the 10 year old girl I was. By the time I was 11 I was very adult and has taken my sis under my wing.
There was a whole group of us kids in the midst of the upwardly mobile world we lived in, misfits of sorts, who all found each other and created our own family back then. Quite dysfunctional but still a family. We all left home very young( ages 14-17), lived downtown. we were good kids. We worked, went to school…just trying to find out way without parents or guidance. Some hit the skids, committed suicide, drugs…but most of us did okay-eventually. A rocky path but have done okay.
My FB status line-  Hollyhock- is fascinated by the tapestry of life and all the threads that make it beautiful. Particularly touched by a few hours of magic last night that brought together the threads of 30 year friendships in such a wonderful way.

My friend who was here was my closest ally in all this time. We often lived together, we shared some horrible and great life experiences together. He knew my Grandma well so I went through a grieving period this week with him as well. My DH had never met him. My DH does not “talk” about stuff. We never did that dating stuff where you talk about your life past etc.
One realization I did have and it both good and bad. DH lives very much in the present, if it is not about him and affects him directly he truly does not care, it is not his stuff. There is a wisdom in this but as a life partner sometimes a gal needs to talk and he wont and really does not care. He had said to me ,way back, well sounds like[i] you [/i]have some stuff to work out, not his problem.
That said, he does not process or deal with his own stuff well and shuts down and at times has taken it out on me and i have gone years at at time coping with his sh*t, helping my kids navigate life during this, and waiting for him to be a true partner. His problem very much becomes mine.
Every year at Christmas I call Dfriend. In the 12 years DH and I have been together he has never asked who I was calling. So , on Thurs I tell Dh this friend is here in the province and coming for dinner, he asks, do I know this guy….where do I start. I kept it simple. I was a jumble of nerves with my worlds colliding. it was all okay. They guys are not dissimilar. Dfriend adores kids and was great with mine. It was a lovely evening here then Dfriend and I went out  to see other friends. I asked DH several times to come. It was completely weird kissing my DH goodbye and going out with someone I have cared deeply for for 32 years.
We met up with our old dear friends from grade school and ninth grade on. We were certainly outcasts in the big realm of the school but we are all pretty awesome still. I was sooooooooo glad I went and caught up with everyone. There is something about seeing, making eye contact( where a lifetime of “story” is told and shared) with those who knew you when and knew your heart and watched you( and I them) go though all the life stuff teens and young adults do and still love ya and accept ya and then can be proud of you now. And then, it was really, really good to come home to my little family in the woods and appreciate them all the more.

Interestingly, spending parts of this week feeling very much the abandoned child that I was, my Sis stopped by work yesterday to pick up hair product and happened to mention my Dad had surgery earlier this week. My face, told all. She said, OMG, you didn’t know. My life story. I love my parents very much. I care very much that my dad had surgery this week. It was a dental surgery, bone graft and such. Not major but still.
My dad came for a haircut the week before week.He took my DS golfing. He and I talked on the phone last weekend. I have emailed pics to my parents…no mention of it. It is just soooo bizarre.
And my week comes full circle. And in and skill i have learned to take a step back from being “in” the emotion of it all I sit back a bit and gently observe how it all unfolds.
And again, I am very happy to be home here with my DH and kids and I am happy to be married to my DH.In the big picture it seems quite obvious ( today) that he is just the right guy for me in many, many , many ways. I am blessed in my children and i am thankful for the opportunity to be their Mom.