Hollyhock

sigh….feeling avoid-ish but want to [b]make[/b] myself do stuff. My attitude needs adjusting. Wishing DH would go to bed so I can scrub toilets, do dishes, take out the trash, sweep and wash the floor alone. Having an audience bugs me. And I [i]could[/i] watch something on TV while i putter or listen to music without someone walking past calling it sh*t and turning it off.
Just put some laundry in and fed the pets.

Idol was good. Lovin Adam and Chris and the sweety with the glasses(having a bit of a brain f*rt).

oh…i hear movement….

I did clean the upstairs bathroom and fold laundry while Idol was on.

oh goody…I just got a lesson on how to stoke the fireplace we have had for 6 years…I am the last one up every night………

see? I have attitude issues.

I am feeling a bit lethargic. I could happily go right back to sleep.

A bit bummed out too by pics that were taken yesterday at the Make over day I hosted. I am morbidly fascinated by how wide my body is compared to the opther women who are average or slightly overweight in size.

Other than my width, the day was very nice and successful. We have another booked in April.

My weight is the same this week. 3rd week in a row. Not gaining and not losing. I must lose.

Heading to work til noon shortly. Booked up all morning. Then, heading to do a friend’s hair. She did mine last Tues.I really must clean. DH is back to work today.

I feel as tho i am on the verge of “getting it”. What “it” is  do not know for sure. I still feel as tho i am grieving but it is not as predominate. I am having my rents, sis and fam for Easter dinner. It will be good to see everyone. I am not sure i have seen my mom since Grandma’s funeral. I have seen my dad and sis.

I am still adjusting to my new “normal”. I spent time every week helping my Grandma since I was 17 years old-taking down storm windows, putting in screens, washing curtains, touching up trim, raking, gardening, cutting grass….. and then there was the sharing of meals, reading the paper and MacLeans, book clubs, just “being” together………

Hockey season is now done until Sept. That frees up 12 hours a week for me( 5-6 hours a week now that I dont go to Grandma’s or cook for her anymore). No summer sports this year. 2 kids in hockey is plenty. I simply want to enjoy my home and my kids and their friends.

DH has been working steady on the stair reno. The stairs seem to be symbolic, and blatantly so, of our differences. I would never, ever start a project unless I were to complete it in a timely manner. Like I would never make a half assed effort at marriage, parenting, communicating, managing our home……….

There is a shift underfoot …wondering where it will end up?

Be vewy,vewy quiet…..DH is working on the stair reno……….1 support wall built and up, getting ready for a beam……….

I have been waiting 7 years………..

I am calling the stair guy tomorrow. Dh will do the beam and finishing drywall etc.We will go for oak treads and railing and white risers and spindles, plain square Shaker style. DH is almost excited about doing some work around the house.

This is the stair type we are putting in bit with 2 sides/railings.

http://www.ftstairs.com/wood_stairs_rai … shtml&main

DD needed shoes and DS needs jeans. Went shopping after school. I have my hair done! yeah! No more grey. Had a good trip into town with the kids. No bickering. Homework was done after.

One year the kids decorated the 2X4’s like Christmas trees.

How this relates to my weight journey- I am very unhappy in my ripped up home. It took 5 years for him to do the bathroom. There is LOTS i can do but the bare bones construction is up to him.It makes me feel bad about my marriage, my home, embarrassed for my kids etc

Anyhow, food has been good the last 2 days. Did some yoga last night.

Getting the kids ready now. HUGS!!!!!

HA!! I think I got it!!

I am UP 1.2 but it is okay. I did not track points for 10 days while the kids were off. My eating was random but not out of control.
Back on track today.
Breaky-  1/2 c All Bran, 1/2 c 1% milk.

Been having thoughts roaming in my head and cant quite get to the bottom line but I have been reading lots of blogs on here. Pieces pop out at me.

So why IS this a difficult task??? I am the same way about doing dishes-like a stubborn little kid. I can see it is part about having control.I have no control over DH’s choices even tho they impact me greatly. It is VERY hard to always fight just to be me. So sometimes( more lately) I think aw, F*ck it.

My kids bickering exhausts me but i am willing to  do the work it takes to deal with it.

I am very much authentically myself while at work and at home alone and at home with my kids and at the hockey rink and with my friendships. It was not always so. I keep my light under a bushel when DH is present. But truly it is only for 4-5 hours a day and all day Sunday, even then were are out and about separately. I only converse with him about 5-10 min a day to arrange what needs to be done and sit at the supper table. The balance of my life is really all about me and my kids and I am pursuing happiness.

I am awake 17 hours a day. I have 119 waking hours a week to enjoy. More free time now that I wont be spending 10-12 hours a week at the rink.

Having a relatively clean and tidy home makes me happy. Weighing 30 lbs less will make me happy.

The sunshine and spring( still cold BUT sunny) helps.

Almost every day, the few minutes it take to put on coats and boots , find hats and mitts that they do NOT put in the hat and mitts tub and pick up back packs and get out the door turns into absolute choas , bickering, name calling and tears from someone, shoving out in the driveway. I hate it.
I ground them, take away privileges, talk to them about it it later etc. They will both come home and apologize. ARG!!!!

I have taken a nice bath.

To Do
-take a nice bath- DONE
-banking
-bills
-send forms to planner
-start church newsletter
-print price sheets
-wash hockey gear ( stinky)
-wash bedding
-call my Daddy, I miss him

[IMG]http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f153/peacefulgoddess/DSCF3889.jpg[/IMG]

I have tried several ways to add pics. hmmmmmm

These are wise LindaT’s instructions

I want to add pictures!

You can do that in the blogs too. Go to your blog page, and then click Site Admin.
That takes you to your dashboard. Click write to start a new entry. In the little box where you post, you’ll see something that says “ Add media”. Click that.
A box will pop up. I haven’t had good luck using the original thingy that pops up, so I click the link that says browser upload. Go from there and follow the prompts.  To add an image to an existing entry, click, manage then click the title of the entry you want to edit.. the same posting are pops up, with the add media link..  Add the image that way. As far as positioning the image in the entry, I am still learning that and I do it by tabbing over to the HTML tab, cutting and pasting the image to where I want in the entry. You’ll have to figure the best way for YOU to do that yourself! Youc an also link to images you have in Photobucket or Flickr or someplace like that. I didn’t do that because those apps are blocked ehre at work, like fb is. But when you Click Add mediua, you have tho option to link to a URL (web address) as well.

so I click the link that says browser upload. I am not getting this option.

you have tho option to link to a URL Tried this too to no avail.

I will keep trying.

DH’s parents came for supper and it was very nice. I am soooo glad I got the house clean. What they needed to talk to DH about was a blessing. We have struggled so much, in many ways, for many years. What happened today  was an incredible gift. Very hopeful and helpful and relieves a large burden for me.
Thank you God.