You Can Call Me Madcat!

Weigh-in day: Still 176.

I keep doing the same things and I keep getting the same results, so it’s probably a sign of insanity that I expect to get better results, when I’m not changing my basic behaviour. I don’t think I can officially say that I have hit a plateau, since to me hitting a plateau implies that I am doing the work and not getting the results, when if I am honest (and I can be here), I’m not really putting in the work.

It’s not as if I’m lounging on a divan in my penoire, eating bonbons, but I’m letting things creep in here and there that are not on plan. I’d used up all my flexpoints by Sunday, with still two days to go, and ended up having to go into my activity points. I hate when that happens. I know they are there to be used, but I hate using them.

I have this kind of slug-like lethargy happening too. I think it’s those mid-February – omigawd-why-is-it-never-sunny-and-why- is-it-so-damp-and-cold-blues. I did make it to the gym on Saturday and did an hour of cardio, but then I sat, lumpish on the couch, for most of the rest of the weekend. It doesn’t help that I have hurt my knee again and it’s bugging me. Not screaming pain, but achy when I flex it, with sharp twinges occasionally, and hyper extending at odd times. I have arthritis in both of my knees and as long as I am careful I can work around them and be kind to them they mostly behave, but when they act up I’m reminded of a lot of past physical follies that brought me to this point.

I don’t really hate being older, but I hate being reminded of it.

Even though I’m not an organized religion kinda gal, I’ve decided to give up sugar for Lent. I actually had a moment of staring on the chocolate drawer at work and thinking, “Crud, you can’t make it through 6 hours, how will you make it 40 days??” and that made me mad enough to walk away. Let’s see if I can do this as a test of character.

So my small goal for this week is to actually live within my points and measure and record everything. No cheatin’.

Weigh-in this week was 176 – no change from last week. Once again I saw a lower number on Monday and Tuesday and I’ve even considered changing my weigh-in days just so I can record that number instead, but, no, I’m going to stick with my scheduled date. I sort of feel as if the Wednesday weight is the true one and any other day would be cheating.

Yeah, I know in the bigger scheme of things it’s six of one, half dozen of another, but it’s how I feel. Ah, the weird mind games we play with ourselves during this journey.

It’s been a pretty positive week actually, other than the lack of weight loss. I set a goal to go to the gym four times and I managed that, including a longer cardio work out on Saturday. I also had a goal to bring my own lunch more and I’ve actually been organized enough to manage it three of the four days this week. Of course, it helps that I actually have food to bring. Today’s lunch is half a left over plain boiled potato from last night, some zucchini and cucumber chopped in it, a bit of shredded light cheese and a can of tuna with lemon and dill, all heated in the microwave. It sounds as if it would be questionable but it is actually delicious – like a tuna melt without the bread (but with potato). I’ve gotten in the habit of taking some of dinner when I make it and throwing it directly in a Tupperware container when I’m serving it. This not only insures I have lunch but is also reducing my dinner portion sizes – both good things!

I have to say that other than the health benefits this bringing the lunch thing is very kind on the pocketbook. I have the same $20 in my wallet that I had on Monday.

This weekend is a long one due to the poorly named Family Day holiday on Monday. Frankly, I don’t care what they call it as long as I get to take it. The boy and I plan many hours of Olympics watching. He’s trying to put in a plea for junk food, which he can have but I’ll also make sure that we have some cut up veggies for dipping and buy salsa as the dip. There will therefor be NO need for full on damage control. We’re also planning a special dinner for Sunday which is, as you may know, The Day That Shall Not Be Named. A nice meal is my one concession to the stupid day, I’m willing to make. LOL. I am so anti-Valentines, don’t even get me started! Back in the 90s I used to host an annual Bitter Cynics Valentines Day lunch for my fellow cynics. It was always fun. Sometimes, I miss those days!

I better get back to it. Things to do.

Morning kids, I’m a bit late in my check-in this week. Weigh-in 176, down 1 lb. And once again I was seeing a lower number right up to weigh-in morning. I swear it is a conspiracy. LOL. Still I will take 176.

I went out to dinner with a friend on Thursday night to a high-end Mexican restaurant, and though the company was terrific, the dining experience was not. The food was so spicy with the type of heat that I just wasn’t used to and yet I still ended up eating and drinking to much. I actually ate until I was uncomfortable. It was such an excruciatingly bad feeling - one that I realized I haven’t had in a long, long time. The result was a non-stop visit from Mr. Reflux for all Thursday night and most of Friday, and I was very tired and cranky.

No food is worth that kind of pain for 24 hours. I’m putting it behind me and moving on.

Today we are going for Chinese buffet with my in-laws, but I’m not too worried about that. I’ll do what I usually do and stick to seafood and vegetables, not have anything fried. I may indulge in the higher fat things in very small quantities, but only if it is something that is looks amazing and that I can’t have at any other time. Surprisingly, very few items pass that test. This place has some nice sushi as well. Just because it’s a buffet doesn’t mean I have to have three or four heaping platefuls of food. I know that everyone else will go back a couple of times so my approach will be to plan several small plates, each of which will be vegetable and salad heavy. I also plan to enjoy what I have. It will be the major meal of the day, and if I need anything this evening I’ll just have some tea and something small. Like some fruit and yogurt.

This morning I’m off to the gym, to get the workout I missed yesterday due to lack of sleep. I also have to enter the rest of yesterday’s food in WW.

Yes I stumbled and fell, but that doesn’t mean I can’t pick myself and get going again.

Weigh-in 178. Hurmph. Up yet another lb. Of course, it is that TOM, but really. I think I need to call my ego, id and superego in for a staff meeting and have the following conversation:

“Guys, guys, I’ve been looking the latest results for this quarter and frankly, I have to say I’m very disappointed in you all. I know you can do much better than this,

You have the talent but you don’t seem to be willing to put in the effort required to get this job done. You all know that we face many challenges but that doesn’t mean that we can slack off it, means that we need to make sure that we are working smarter not harder.

You, id, do you really need that chocolate? I’ve seen you having it there’s no need to even try to deny it. Did it even make you feel better? No, it did not. Stop smirking, superego, your constant finger pointing is hardly constructive. Less criticism and more teamwork would be helpful from you. And you ego, I’m most disappointed with you. You should have been able to stop them both. Who’s supposed to be in heading this team here? I went to bat for you to put you in charge and I’m not happy that you don’t seem to be rising to the task.

OK, you can all go back to your desks now. I’m expecting better results in the future, or the management may have to rethink our current staffing complement. After all, it’s a tough health market out there and there are plenty of others out there who would jump at the opportunity to do this. Don’t let me down again. I don’t want to have to have another one of these meetings. “

Really what do I want? Do I want to get to goal or not? If not, then I should just keep doing what I’m doing, if I want to get to goal then I need to get my act in gear.

Weigh-in at 177 UP one lb from last week. But I deserve it so I’m not going to complain. I know exactly where and how I went astray so I got the result I should have expected. Any other expectation would be madness.

These lbs aren’t going to go wandering off on their own. I’m going to have to do a better job of shoo-ing them. Yes, shoo-ing pounds is work, but I’m willing to do the work. I have to be willing or I won’t get there.

I’m slightly stressed out today and I’m sure that doesn’t help. I’m working a on a new project doing some end-user documentation and I anticipated a nice, quiet day where I could just do my thing and not be bugged, but no, there is much drama. Sigh. I try to just put my head down but I keep getting assigned other things to do that sidetrack me from just writing happily away. It’s hard when I have 5 different projects in various stages of completion and various needs that I have to support. Doubly hard when one of those projects involves my boss’s boss who of course knows that what he does must have priority. Conflicting deadlines and absolutely everything has to be done at the same time. Add some political dealings into the mix and the cocktail is no longer quite so drinkable.

Ah, well, this is the fun life of a contractor that I chose to have and I have to take the good with the bad, and if I am brutally honest I wouldn’t have much fun if I had little or nothing to do. I complain but I am a bit of an adrenaline junky.

So the 2 lb loss looks as if it was just a sickness blip and I’m holding steady at 178 again. I have to knuckle down and work the program if I want to get this thing done. I was OK with maintaining during the holidays but now I have no excuse for sitting in the same place.

I should not even be typing this at the moment, I should be getting up and turning off this computer and going to lift some weights. That’s what I’m going to do.

I just came here to give my head a shake.

Wednesday weigh-in day and here I am again, like a chapped lips in winter.

Weigh-in was 176, which is down 2 lbs from last week. I don’t know whether to count this as real weigh-in though, since I was sick with some sort of stomach ick on Monday/Tuesday and that may have skewed the number on the scale.

I thought it was food poisoning or food reaction that I had – massive shooting stomach pains, etc – but it turns out one of my coworkers was off with the same thing, so unless we both ate the same thing, it must have been one of those brutal hit and run viruses.

Who am I kidding? I’m taking the two pounds! Now my incentive will be to ensure that they stay off for next week’s weigh-in.

One thing that is always interesting at the beginning of the year is the number of articles and shows and commercials on dieting and exercise and weight loss. I must say that some commercials for weight loss aids just make me open my mouth in complete wonder and say “Are they kidding us???” I won’t name any specific product names – first of all, not to be sued, and, second of all, in case someone out there actually threw their money away on this crap - but just how silly do they think we are? And how desperate are we to actually lose weight that we would completely suspend our disbelief in physics and anatomy?

I know the answer to that is “pretty darn desperate”. I have felt that desperation where the goal seems so far away and we would do anything to speed its arrival. I remember reading somewhere once that they asked a group of women if they would sacrifice a limb if it meant they could be instantly slim and a horrifying percentage of people said they would.

So I had a few thoughts today and I wanted to write them down before it slipped away:

Just working out like a maniac will not make me thin. If I run marathons and still live on McDonalds and cheesecake I am never going to reach my goal. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work out, it just means that it’s going to take more than that. I work out for other reasons: stress control and heart health and toning and so that I will be strong and confident and happy. OK, yes, it’ll burn calories too, just not THAT many calories unless I plan to spend two hours a day working out intensely. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that type of time.

On the flip side, I don’t have to live on carrot sticks and celery for the rest of my life to reach my goal. Into every life a bit of birthday cake is going to fall, what is going to count is what I do in the LONG run. I’ve learned to think in weeks. If I go out for dinner and have a steak and trimmings and some wine, I eat sensibly the rest of the week. And even that spurge meal has changed. I’ll have a small steak with no extra stuff on it, or seafood, and a mixed salad with dressing on the side instead of a Caesar. A baked potatoes with sour cream on the side or, better yet, salsa. If I have dessert, I split it. Sometimes I just have tea. If all else fails and I go to a restaurant and the options seem limited I’ll get something vegetarian. I mostly avoid fried foods, cheese, and the bread basket. But not always. Not always.

And I have, in spite of the sound of my Mom’s voice in my head, learned to leave food on my plate.

Mostly I have learned to relax and not stress out over this process. Yes, I have to be diligent and I shouldn’t have everything I want to shove in my head, but by letting myself relax I know it’s all OK. It becomes less “I CAN”T HAVE THAT EVER!!!” and more “Meh, I choose not to have that”.

I choose. It’s about what I choose.

OMG I have blathered way too long. Carrying on now.

And I almost typed 2009…

I’m not a “new years resolutionist”. I didn’t just start this journey. This isn’t a new beginning or a starting point for me; it’s just a temporary lay-by on my journey. I have no problems making it to the gym a four times a week and I already understand the fine benefits of workouts and eating better.

But it is, after all, new years and that means we have gone through the season of temptation and delight and come out safely on the other side. And maybe that means that the old routine will fall back into place. And maybe it will have to be forced back into place with a big mental crowbar.

I maintained a weight of 178 through the worst of the stress and holiday madness and I am happy about that, and I even managed to maintain my workout schedule (mostly) and I’m happy with that too, but I have no more excuses and I need to get this train moving again.

I’ve lost 12 pounds and I have 38 to go. Next goal is 174 and the no longer obese category. Here we go. Weigh-in is Wednesday, See everyone then.

Quickie post on this eve of a new year. Weighed-in yesterday and still charting at 178. This is good in that I have avoided gaining the dreaded holiday 10.

But a new year begins tonight and it’s time to get back to work again. I will have one last night of decadence and then face the music. I did manage to go to the gym four times this week and did long cardio sessions so that’s good.

Tonight’s plan is to make sure that I drink water or other non-alcoholic things between “real” drinks. I’ll probably stick to white wine and have a bit of champagne at midnight.

To everyone out there, may your New Years Eve be everything you want – loud and raucous or quite and sweet. A new year means new possibilities so let’s make sure that everyone gets through the night safely. If you are going out make sure you have a safe way to get home. And remember to be careful of those other people on the roads.

Happy New Year!!!

It’s that time again, Wednesday weigh-in. Weigh in this week was *drum roll* 178 for a net gain/loss of zero this week. But I’m still pleased by this since I was sick for much of the week and eating got a bit out of hand. Still I haven’t done badly in the following:

• Went to Chinese buffet for a family lunch and stuck to veggie dishes and things that were not battered and/or fried.
• My SIL, a lovely woman, gave each of us a HUGE box of baked goods – macaroons, fudge, brownies, and at least three dozen butter tarts. I did not have any of them until I took them to a Christmas party last night. There I had one of the macaroons (which was fabulous). I brought the rest of the box into work today to make my coworkers eat them. Today I did have one (1) butter tart and it was a transcendental experience. Best. Butter. Tart. Ever. I ate it and I’m not feeling guilty about it since it was worth every calorie. Besides if I tell myself “You will never ever butter tart again” what good would that do? That’s not realistic. Yes, I will tart occasionally, but only occasionally and I will do it mindfully and make sure it was worth it. If the butter tart had not been amazing I would have taken a bite and tossed the rest. Life is too short and calories too few to waste on sub-standard baked goods.
• I’ve been to the gym as per usual even though I have felt like crap. The head cold is mostly gone but I do still have the coughing thing happening. Yesterday after cardio I had this painful lung tightness so I took today as a “no workout” day. But then I often take Wednesday as my day off, so that’s no big deal. I’m going tomorrow morning even though I’m only coming into work for a few hours.

I really just want to maintain my weight until this season is over. That, in itself, would be a victory.

I’m leaving work early today to go to the market and buy seafood for tomorrow night. We’re going to start with shrimp in some form (maybe classic Mad Men era shrimp cocktail with homemade cocktail sauce) and then follow that with crab and a Portuguese salsa (onion, green pepper, tomato, very fine dice, hot pimento paste and just a touch of EVOO). We have a bottle of wine and no place to go tomorrow night.

Christmas we’ll head to the in-laws for late lunch and there will probably be too much food. European hospitality is like that, but I’m planning to manage what I can and we’ll probably skip dinner or just have something very small.

Once Christmas is over I am off work until the new year. The plan is to relax and take it easy. The Boy and I have some movies we want to see and I’m going to connect with some friends while I am off. It will be nice. I also plan to continue getting 5 workouts in per week and actually hope I can spend more time in the gym. The good thing is I’ll be able to drive over, workout and then come home – so that’s even more convenient. I just have to check the operating hours, but I think they are even open on Christmas Day for a few hours (not that I’m going that day).

I better wander off.

If I’m not back here in the next couple of days I wish every one a safe, healthy, and joyful holiday.