You Can Call Me Madcat!

But I have been doing quite well. After the weekend of illness two weeks ago I thought that I would probably gain back all the weight I had lost quickly - but then I decided to work on it and ta-da I haven’t. I didn’t weigh myself this morning but yesterday I was 177. It’s nice to put on a pair of pants and have them loose. It’s amazing what just 4 or 5 lbs can do.

I’ve been going to the gym and I’ve stepped up the intensity of my cardio. Most days I feel it in my legs. It’s a good kind of mild pain and so far no real knee problems have hit, so it’s all good.

I have a pair of black size 12 jeans and tomorrow - it being a new month - I will try them on. Last time I tried to put them on I could barely get them over my thighs and doing them up would have involved organ removal. We’ll see how it goes and I’ll report here how it went. For now, they are my goal clothing. Once I get there, and they fit, I’ll pick my next peice of clothing. Lord knows I have many different sized pants shirts jackets and dresses in my closet to pick from.

Oy, kids, it’s been a pretty crappy couple of days. Wednesday, my DH was laid off from work, Thursday we got a not exactly great but not unexpected prognosis on my sister’s condition, and then, to top it all off, I got food poisoning on Friday night. I’m doing the best I can to stay calm about so much turmoil. Sometimes life throws a curveball (or nine) and all a person can do is duck.

The DH got a decent severance so we’re OK for cash for a bit. If we had to we could live on my salary and I guess that is better off than a lot of people in similar situations. We also have some savings that could be dipped into. He’s also going to apply for unemployment, so that will help a bit too.

To top it all off, I’ve spent the weekend throwing up (all Friday night), recovering and sleeping. I’ve forced myself to eat when the hunger started to make me nauseous.

I think I’ve lost 5lbs, but I would not recommend this as a weight loss program.

No gym for the weekend since it was all I could do to make it from the couch to bed. Slept a lot which was fine but I had plans for the weekend and nothing planned got done.

The one bright spot about the DH being off work is that I have my Cabana Boy back. As long as he is off work, my kitchen will be spotless and dirty dish-free, laundry done and apartment cleaned as if by magic elves. Every cloud and its silver lining.

I just haven’t. I’ve been marginally busy but mostly I just haven’t had anything worthwhile to say. I’ve been going to the gym. I even have had my bike out. Food has been ok - minor slip-ups followed by unconscious good days, where no effort is required to do the right things. So I dunno why I’m not writing.

I guess I’m still missing the old journals - but there is no point in that so I should pull up my panties and move on.

We had Easter dinner with the whole family at the hospital yesterday. My sister wasn’t allowed to leave - even by Wheeltrans - so we brought Easter to her. We pushed together a few tables in the common dining room and The Boy and I brought in take-out chicken. It was very nice and I know she appreciated it.

Today she is finally moving to a placement in a long term care facility, which will be much better than being in the hospital. Hopefully she will have more freedom of movement and the ability to interact with others. I think she’s tired of the watchful hospital routine. The location was even one on her “top three” list. It’s a new facility, one of a chain of places, so we all hope it will be good. One never knows, though, and we hear horror stories.

Honestly, it’s hard to focus some days and I’m low grade depressed most of the time – but I go to work, and do what I must and even manage to laugh and have a good time, but some days I just feel like I’m going through the motions. This morning, for instance, I heard a version of the Beatles Song “I will” and I almost started bawling. Anything sweet or sentiment or any story about love triumphing or human kindness is enough to set me off.

I really need to get a grip. Or some therapy.

So here it is in April. I started March at 180 lbs and end March at, ta-da, 180 lbs. Obviously, what I am doing is not working. Or rather, I am not working at this in a way that is working.

On-line WW is not doing what I want it to do for me. OK, WW works but only if a person is willing to put in the work and I’m not. It might if I went back to WW meetings, but that’s not as convenient for me now. I’m going to try some other online tools instead. Maybe the change will be more motivating. I need to make the decision to do what needs to be done and then to do it.

Not earth-shattering, but there ya go. I really need some water now.