Here comes the Sun

March 12th, 2013

Some things have changed since my last post.

For starters, I finally saw 134 this morning. I was stuck at 135.X for the longest time and it killed me. I was jogging fairly regularly and watching my calorie intake but my weight just wouldn’t budge. Then I sort of stopped checking, eased up on the jogging, and actually added a small amount of junk food to my diet. My body seems happier that way.

I met someone. We’re “in a relationship” now - as per Facebook - but we still have to settle into the actual role of bf/gf. I think he’s just shy which is okay but I suppose you could say I’m “damaged goods”. I’m afraid he’ll change his mind, that I misunderstood and shouldn’t have changed our status, that he’ll go back to his ex like so many others. But he’s the one who actually made the jump first and we talk every day. I’m just so nervous I’ll do something wrong - that’s the “damaged goods” part. I’ve been kicked around a lot, it’s all I know. But I’m logical enough to know that it’s just fear talking so I play it cool.

Unfortunately, I don’t “play it cool” at night apparently. I tossed and turned and had two nightmares. I finally woke up at 6:30, an hour ahead of time, and now I’m struggling to stay awake. I just hope I settle down soon.

Following my announcement, my roommate and I clashed a bit. When she gets stressed, she sort of goes on the attack. Everything infuriates her and she takes swipes at the people around her. She’s a nice person but she has a mean streak a mile wide. I don’t deal with this very well. Normally, I get upset, sometimes I go to my room and cry; I never speak up. Yesterday was the very first time I ever stood up for myself.

She complained that she couldn’t see his face when she came in and it made her uncomfortable. I said, “You could have turned on the light, we wouldn’t have minded.”

She complained that I met him online; I pointed out that I’d met other dates online, she just didn’t know it.

She complained that I had the living room when she wanted it; I pointed out that I have the living room maybe once or twice a month. Sometimes even less than that.

She argued that I didn’t tell her I had a date; I reminded her that she hadn’t told me of her “online date” with her fiance so I had no way of knowing she wanted the living room herself. Consequently, she was in the same boat I was.

The bottom line is she was in a bad mood and offloaded it onto me by running me down. I told her I don’t like being snapped at and that while I understand she gets stressed, I don’t like her taking it out on me and I don’t know how to react. She didn’t agree with everything I said - she’s usually very stubborn about taking responsibility for herself - but I think I got through to her a little bit. Afterward, we went right back to talking about jogging together so everything is fine but I’m proud that I took a bit of a stand.

I should be seeing my boyfriend - boy, saying that is still strange, it’s been a while - tomorrow evening though. That should cheer me up. =)


March 6th, 2013

I should be fine on my own. For the most part, I am; I’m an introvert by nature. Even as a child, I enjoyed my “me time”. But there are times when I feel so lonely and unloved, it’s painful.

I was basically dumped again earlier this week. The guy said he didn’t know what was wrong, maybe I’m just not his type. It’s not a big deal overall but I don’t seem to be anyone’s type.

I’m repeatedly told that I need to “love myself”. The sad thing is, most of the time, I feel pretty okay. I’ve lost almost 50 pounds, my mile time has decreased from 14 to 13 to pushing through 12 to 11:16 and then to 10:52 last night. I have a full time gig, a cute puppy, my own place with two fairly cool roommates. I have a lot more going for me than some of the guys I’ve gone out with. That’s not me being conceited either, it’s just what it is.

I’m also told that I need to be okay with being alone. Alone is what I’ve mostly been since June of 2011. I’ve dated off and on since then, I’d say maybe a dozen guys in total, but I never once rushed into a relationship. To date, I’ve still only had one boyfriend.

Frankly, I feel empty. Like a nothing. A wisp of smoke. I don’t drink a lot so I don’t relate to most guys I meet. I game some but not as much as them. I jog and either I’m slower or they don’t work out hardly at all. I read, but either more or not as much as them. I’m a goofball but not as quick to open up. My hobbies - which now look flimsy and really just like unproductive wastes of time - are nothing.

I feel like I need to pick another hobby and stick with it. Something I have always wanted to do and can be proud to talk about.

I also feel like I need a break from the gym. In the past several days, I’ve gone almost every evening. My weight isn’t moving, actually it’s up, so I feel downtrodden.

I just need a breather from everything that’s upsetting me.