I gave up again. And I’m back again.

Looking at my Weigh-In page is kind of a kick in the teeth. But when I do check in here, I am honest because there’s no point in hiding the fact that I screwed up.

I stopped doing the 30 Day Shred and can’t recall why. I made it about a week before I got bored, I think.

I’ve started jogging outside though which is pretty kickass because it’s below freezing out there! The lowest temperature I’ve jogged in so far has been 14 degrees. I’m happy about this because it’s made just going outside to get to work much more tolerable, I don’t seem to be as bothered by it anymore.

Another non-scale victory would be my triumph over depression and anxiety during the winter. Normally, I am so down and sad that I can barely stand to get through the day. But this winter has been different and while I have experienced ups and downs, I’ve been noticeably better. I have almost been eating much better, balancing any food I eat in a restaurant with food I’ve made at home, much preferring the latter over the former. I’ve made salad dressing, soup, and chicken fajitas most recently.

My wedding should be sometime in June, unless we postpone to save money, so I do have time to reach a healthier weight. Even 135 would be fantastic. I think the key is to setting realistic goals for myself. A friend gave me a workout routine but that thing is insane! I tried it one day and realized then and there that I can’t do it long term. 120 push ups? 40+ step ups? 40+ squats? And that’s just the start! The program takes up a solid hour of your time with nonstop movement! How is this a beginner routine?! I will stick to jogging mixed with strength training. Maybe as I get better, I will push myself to that point but I certainly can’t start there.

30 Day Shred - Day 2

October 23rd, 2014

Yesterday was the day I decided to make a change. I skipped coffee and ate only healthy food. I also made sure I carried a water bottle with me at work all day. I felt good but was tired and the pushups were hard.

Today, the pushups were at least as hard, if not worse. They’ve always been my weakest point and today my arms were sore. I’ve also been nursing a terrible headache all day, a sign of caffeine withdrawal, I’m sure. My body is still sore from the nearly two week long illness I had and my chest is still a bit congested. I’m hoping this clears up soon.

Almost as bad as the ongoing headache is my feeling of depression, another sign of withdrawal. In the middle of the routine, I felt like I wanted to cry multiple times. I held it in even as I felt the tears bubbling up inside me. Part of me wonders if this routine is actually something someone like myself can do. But I keep going anyways.

I’ve been unable to fall asleep before 2:00am since I got sick. But tonight I’m tired and I’m making smarter choices for myself. After I finish this entry, I will lie down in bed and read until I can sleep. Day 3 tomorrow, not giving up.

Gained weight before wedding!

October 21st, 2014

I’ve gained a ton of weight and at the exact wrong time. My wedding is in May and my dress fitting is January. I’ve got approximately 90 days to lose about 20 pounds. That means I need to lose 1.5 pounds a week if my goal is 1/20/15. I’m going to try to start strong and get a lead by losing the first 5 fast because those 5 are overweight pounds. The next few might not be hard either but I expect 138 down to be rough. I am going to judge by my clothes, not my scale. When my fitting gets closer or I can tell I’ve made a lot of progress, I’ll check the .

I am going to eat more veggies, drink more water, and hopefully get more rest…I say this at 2:30am of course but I’m stressed and can’t sleep… I bought a few work out DVDs and will start tomorrow.

This time last year I was 5 pounds lighter. At least it could be worse, I weighed 147 in April! I have the same goal this year that I had last year - reach the 120s by my birthday. Given that this leaves me with 9.3 pounds to lose in 38 days, I’ll be cutting it close. If I don’t make it, that’s okay. I will definitely make it shortly afterward!

I feel generally uplifted. I think seeing how close I am to where I was before helps. I think Weight Watchers gives me direction. And I think getting into grad school makes me feel freer. I’m no longer afraid that I’ll be stuck at my current job because I don’t see myself staying there full time after August. I might just take a bunch of days off around my birthday, head home, and then go part time even!