It’s been quite a while since I wrote in my blog or used this account to post. But today I decided it was time to fix my life. While some things have improved ten times over – I’m engaged, my apartment is nicer, I actually have money in the bank (although I could always use more), etc. – I have also gained 10 pounds and lost all ability to jog.

My goals have changed a bit. I’d like to weigh 125 instead of 120 and I don’t anticipate working out much as long as I work full time retail. But I think it’s very possible for me to get into shape for my 2015 wedding and eat healthy.

Today is day one and I’ll be looking to those around me for continued inspiration and ideas.


July 23rd, 2013

I’m heading into something of a depressive downswing. I’m almost positive my weight is up and I’m down to just 17 days until my birthday. I’m 98% sure that I’ve failed.

Money is so tight that I’m afraid of everything. I have less than $100 in the bank and I’m hoping to God I get paid this week.

I’m afraid of making a wrong move at work because I need the money, as I just established above, and because losing my last job, even though it wasn’t my fault, was a blow to my already shaky self-esteem.

It’s nearing my TotM so my anxiety is worsening. I’m upset with my boyfriend at any given time, remembering past things he upset me with that, all in all, weren’t horribly bad. The anxiety just takes over.

My current pay and hours are dependent upon my success is my position. I’m not really trained to do any of this, I’m just interested in it, so I’m afraid I’ll fail to provide results. But I’m reading as much as I can and trying to be as efficient as possible. It’s all I can really do I suppose.


April 9th, 2013

I’m feeling very happy today. Despite the terrible situation with my boyfriend’s Grandfather, we pulled together quite nicely in the end. I felt awful seeing him so sad but at the same time, it was just another display of how good his heart truly is. I held his hand when he needed it, met a few family members, and then we went home. We had a bit of a hiccup later in the night but we talked it over and everything is great now. He said, “I think this is just trial and error. That’s what forgiveness is for.” <3

I’m getting to be a lot more comfortable with him. He wants/needs me to be more aggressive about what I want; he doesn’t want me to be afraid. The only thing I’m holding back now is saying three words that I find myself on the verge of blurting out from time to time. I want to make sure that if we say them, we mean them and he doesn’t feel pressured. Now isn’t the time…

On the weight/workout front, not much is happening – yet. I’m still hovering but now I’m hovering closer to 134 so the drop, while slight, is still there. The plan is for my roommates to, quite frankly, kick my ass. Planned is biking to work, jogging during the day when working from home for a few days, rock climbing twice a week, and I think one of my roommates wants to take me to the gym where she’ll probably make me cry. =D

My ex and I have had very little contact lately. I didn’t want to hurt him when I met someone new. I thought, “Why tell him? We’re not friends, there’s no reason to text him out of the blue to make that announcement.”

Naturally, I’m the only one who feels this way because he had no problem texting me out of the blue to say, “I have a girlfriend and she makes me happy.”

He claims it’s because she told him it was the “right thing to do”, that it was right to “stop lying to me”. Moving on is not “lying”, it’s just that – moving on. We weren’t even talking, how was he “lying”? I know what the little tramp was doing, though. She knows he wants me, if I snapped my fingers he’d come running. She’s trying to hurt me and she’s trying to drive a wedge between us so that there is no chance of her losing him to me. As if I’d want him back to begin with. The problem is that even though I don’t want him, her sleeping around with him behind my back for months didn’t do a damn thing – she still can’t get his heart and she never will. Every day he looks at her, he’ll have to think, “This is the girl who helped ruin my relationship, this is the girl who ruined even our friendship.” Yes, he made the choice to cheat but she made the choice to help and every day he misses me, he has to look at her ugly face and know she purposely chose to ignore his existing relationship and is almost as much to blame as he is. He wants me in his life and it was her convincing him to message me that removed even that option.

Him informing me of their relationship was bad because, see, I didn’t know he’s been sleeping with her for over a year, even when we did reconcile in October. He has been sleeping with her for a year and a half off and on and she knew about me a good portion of the time. I didn’t know they were still cheating together until two days ago, I was living in blissful ignorance and had finally moved on. So she knew that telling me would hurt and bad. She also knew he’d suffer for it but didn’t care. What she didn’t expect was my nasty backlash. I sent her a message telling her exactly what I thought of her and I don’t feel bad; not for the well-deserved insults, not for showing her the love letters he’s writing even today, not for a single word. She purposely attempted to cause me harm in a desperate move to get rid of me, even though I haven’t done a single thing wrong. I have kept my distance from him just to keep from hurting him and they both saw fit to come back into my life, bringing all their fucked up problems with them. That…is not okay. He ruined 5 years of my life, it is not okay for him to shove his current relationship’s problems in my face whether they pertain to me or not. It’s not my fault that they are both cheaters, it’s not my fault that they conspired to begin a relationship based on lies, and it’s not my place to help them bear the burden they created for themselves in being so selfish and dishonest.

I’m so angry, so furious that I think writing it all out in letter form is the only thing that might help – that, above, isn’t even half of what I’ve got to say. I got away once, I can do it again. All avenues of communication are now permanently cut. He’s nothing more than a monster to me so, in that respect, he finally found the girl for him – someone just as monstrous on the inside and out.

It doesn’t help that my boyfriend is going through a rough time right now, too. His Grandfather is very ill and he’s behind in homework. His mood has been off since yesterday and when I asked about it today, he said part of him thinks he needs space while another part doesn’t but that he doesn’t want me to think he’s pushing me away. So I told him that as long as we’re still good, I can honor his need for space and that he can reach out for help any time he needs it, day or night. So I guess I’m on my own for the time being.

Here comes the Sun

March 12th, 2013

Some things have changed since my last post.

For starters, I finally saw 134 this morning. I was stuck at 135.X for the longest time and it killed me. I was jogging fairly regularly and watching my calorie intake but my weight just wouldn’t budge. Then I sort of stopped checking, eased up on the jogging, and actually added a small amount of junk food to my diet. My body seems happier that way.

I met someone. We’re “in a relationship” now – as per Facebook – but we still have to settle into the actual role of bf/gf. I think he’s just shy which is okay but I suppose you could say I’m “damaged goods”. I’m afraid he’ll change his mind, that I misunderstood and shouldn’t have changed our status, that he’ll go back to his ex like so many others. But he’s the one who actually made the jump first and we talk every day. I’m just so nervous I’ll do something wrong – that’s the “damaged goods” part. I’ve been kicked around a lot, it’s all I know. But I’m logical enough to know that it’s just fear talking so I play it cool.

Unfortunately, I don’t “play it cool” at night apparently. I tossed and turned and had two nightmares. I finally woke up at 6:30, an hour ahead of time, and now I’m struggling to stay awake. I just hope I settle down soon.

Following my announcement, my roommate and I clashed a bit. When she gets stressed, she sort of goes on the attack. Everything infuriates her and she takes swipes at the people around her. She’s a nice person but she has a mean streak a mile wide. I don’t deal with this very well. Normally, I get upset, sometimes I go to my room and cry; I never speak up. Yesterday was the very first time I ever stood up for myself.

She complained that she couldn’t see his face when she came in and it made her uncomfortable. I said, “You could have turned on the light, we wouldn’t have minded.”

She complained that I met him online; I pointed out that I’d met other dates online, she just didn’t know it.

She complained that I had the living room when she wanted it; I pointed out that I have the living room maybe once or twice a month. Sometimes even less than that.

She argued that I didn’t tell her I had a date; I reminded her that she hadn’t told me of her “online date” with her fiance so I had no way of knowing she wanted the living room herself. Consequently, she was in the same boat I was.

The bottom line is she was in a bad mood and offloaded it onto me by running me down. I told her I don’t like being snapped at and that while I understand she gets stressed, I don’t like her taking it out on me and I don’t know how to react. She didn’t agree with everything I said – she’s usually very stubborn about taking responsibility for herself – but I think I got through to her a little bit. Afterward, we went right back to talking about jogging together so everything is fine but I’m proud that I took a bit of a stand.

I should be seeing my boyfriend – boy, saying that is still strange, it’s been a while – tomorrow evening though. That should cheer me up. =)


March 6th, 2013

I should be fine on my own. For the most part, I am; I’m an introvert by nature. Even as a child, I enjoyed my “me time”. But there are times when I feel so lonely and unloved, it’s painful.

I was basically dumped again earlier this week. The guy said he didn’t know what was wrong, maybe I’m just not his type. It’s not a big deal overall but I don’t seem to be anyone’s type.

I’m repeatedly told that I need to “love myself”. The sad thing is, most of the time, I feel pretty okay. I’ve lost almost 50 pounds, my mile time has decreased from 14 to 13 to pushing through 12 to 11:16 and then to 10:52 last night. I have a full time gig, a cute puppy, my own place with two fairly cool roommates. I have a lot more going for me than some of the guys I’ve gone out with. That’s not me being conceited either, it’s just what it is.

I’m also told that I need to be okay with being alone. Alone is what I’ve mostly been since June of 2011. I’ve dated off and on since then, I’d say maybe a dozen guys in total, but I never once rushed into a relationship. To date, I’ve still only had one boyfriend.

Frankly, I feel empty. Like a nothing. A wisp of smoke. I don’t drink a lot so I don’t relate to most guys I meet. I game some but not as much as them. I jog and either I’m slower or they don’t work out hardly at all. I read, but either more or not as much as them. I’m a goofball but not as quick to open up. My hobbies – which now look flimsy and really just like unproductive wastes of time – are nothing.

I feel like I need to pick another hobby and stick with it. Something I have always wanted to do and can be proud to talk about.

I also feel like I need a break from the gym. In the past several days, I’ve gone almost every evening. My weight isn’t moving, actually it’s up, so I feel downtrodden.

I just need a breather from everything that’s upsetting me.