It’s been quite a while since I wrote in my blog or used this account to post. But today I decided it was time to fix my life. While some things have improved ten times over - I’m engaged, my apartment is nicer, I actually have money in the bank (although I could always use more), etc. - I have also gained 10 pounds and lost all ability to jog.

My goals have changed a bit. I’d like to weigh 125 instead of 120 and I don’t anticipate working out much as long as I work full time retail. But I think it’s very possible for me to get into shape for my 2015 wedding and eat healthy.

Today is day one and I’ll be looking to those around me for continued inspiration and ideas.

Low self-esteem

June 12th, 2013

I’m a bit stressed these days. I’m trying to coordinate a move so that I can leave my current residence, which I’m still on the lease for until January, and move in with my boyfriend. Well, I was coordinating it…then I became so obsessive that I offloaded the job on my boyfriend. He’s wonderful though, he took over without any complaint and has done a great job.

My roommate has started us on a workout routine so that we can both get in better shape. We’re about the same height - she might be a bit taller than me - but we’re both far from being thin and fit. She’s about 150 pounds but very strong. I’m 135 but I’m fairly weak. I’m thinner but not thin so what’s the point?

She kicked my ass yesterday. We jogged .42 miles to the gym, jogged another .58 miles on the treadmill, then did a bunch of leg and core exercises. I’m so sore today, I grunt and groan every time I walk or bend over.

Then, this morning, we jogged part of the way to the gym - we had to take a break halfway there, we hurt too much xD - and went straight into arm exercises. It was tough, I’m certain I’ll hurt tomorrow. I can’t even recall everything we did. She grouped three different exercises into one “set” so that we’d do two run throughs and then take a break. So, say like…X of one exercise, Y of another, then Z of another, then repeat that. After that, we’d take a short break and do the same framework again, just with three different exercises.

At the very end, a guy came in which made my roommate nervous so we finished our core stuff at home. 30 situps, 50 crunches, 30 slow bicycle kicks, and a few other things. I was in so much pain, let me tell you… If it weren’t for the fact that my dog needed to pee, I’d have stayed on that floor for at least 10 minutes.

We’re also going to start rock climbing Friday. I’m intimidated but I’m so sick of being lazy. I’ve sat at 133 to 135 pounds for literally months now. There’s no excuse for having not reached the 120’s by now except for pure laziness on my part. Historically, I’ve only done cardio so my roommate is really kicking my rump with strength training and I think rock climbing will be the ultimate for toning up.

Oh, and speaking of my dog…I went downstairs to find that he’d gotten hold of a pen and was chewing it. Ink everywhere. I spent an hour cleaning it up and I’m still not certain that it’s gone. I got most of it but it took half a can of hairspray, 5 glasses of water, and an entire roll of paper towels. I could have spanked his little ass, I was so mad. I settled for telling him he was a bad dog and putting him in his crate instead…

I haven’t gotten nearly enough work done today and I feel so unattractive I don’t even want to leave the house. But I have to, I’m seeing another apartment with my boyfriend this evening so I’m going to have to suck it up and keep my nerves in check.

Happiness

April 9th, 2013

I’m feeling very happy today. Despite the terrible situation with my boyfriend’s Grandfather, we pulled together quite nicely in the end. I felt awful seeing him so sad but at the same time, it was just another display of how good his heart truly is. I held his hand when he needed it, met a few family members, and then we went home. We had a bit of a hiccup later in the night but we talked it over and everything is great now. He said, “I think this is just trial and error. That’s what forgiveness is for.” <3

I’m getting to be a lot more comfortable with him. He wants/needs me to be more aggressive about what I want; he doesn’t want me to be afraid. The only thing I’m holding back now is saying three words that I find myself on the verge of blurting out from time to time. I want to make sure that if we say them, we mean them and he doesn’t feel pressured. Now isn’t the time…

On the weight/workout front, not much is happening - yet. I’m still hovering but now I’m hovering closer to 134 so the drop, while slight, is still there. The plan is for my roommates to, quite frankly, kick my ass. Planned is biking to work, jogging during the day when working from home for a few days, rock climbing twice a week, and I think one of my roommates wants to take me to the gym where she’ll probably make me cry. =D

Heartbroken

March 6th, 2013

I should be fine on my own. For the most part, I am; I’m an introvert by nature. Even as a child, I enjoyed my “me time”. But there are times when I feel so lonely and unloved, it’s painful.

I was basically dumped again earlier this week. The guy said he didn’t know what was wrong, maybe I’m just not his type. It’s not a big deal overall but I don’t seem to be anyone’s type.

I’m repeatedly told that I need to “love myself”. The sad thing is, most of the time, I feel pretty okay. I’ve lost almost 50 pounds, my mile time has decreased from 14 to 13 to pushing through 12 to 11:16 and then to 10:52 last night. I have a full time gig, a cute puppy, my own place with two fairly cool roommates. I have a lot more going for me than some of the guys I’ve gone out with. That’s not me being conceited either, it’s just what it is.

I’m also told that I need to be okay with being alone. Alone is what I’ve mostly been since June of 2011. I’ve dated off and on since then, I’d say maybe a dozen guys in total, but I never once rushed into a relationship. To date, I’ve still only had one boyfriend.

Frankly, I feel empty. Like a nothing. A wisp of smoke. I don’t drink a lot so I don’t relate to most guys I meet. I game some but not as much as them. I jog and either I’m slower or they don’t work out hardly at all. I read, but either more or not as much as them. I’m a goofball but not as quick to open up. My hobbies - which now look flimsy and really just like unproductive wastes of time - are nothing.

I feel like I need to pick another hobby and stick with it. Something I have always wanted to do and can be proud to talk about.

I also feel like I need a break from the gym. In the past several days, I’ve gone almost every evening. My weight isn’t moving, actually it’s up, so I feel downtrodden.

I just need a breather from everything that’s upsetting me.