April 8th, 2013
My ex and I have had very little contact lately. I didn’t want to hurt him when I met someone new. I thought, “Why tell him? We’re not friends, there’s no reason to text him out of the blue to make that announcement.”
Naturally, I’m the only one who feels this way because he had no problem texting me out of the blue to say, “I have a girlfriend and she makes me happy.”
He claims it’s because she told him it was the “right thing to do”, that it was right to “stop lying to me”. Moving on is not “lying”, it’s just that – moving on. We weren’t even talking, how was he “lying”? I know what the little tramp was doing, though. She knows he wants me, if I snapped my fingers he’d come running. She’s trying to hurt me and she’s trying to drive a wedge between us so that there is no chance of her losing him to me. As if I’d want him back to begin with. The problem is that even though I don’t want him, her sleeping around with him behind my back for months didn’t do a damn thing – she still can’t get his heart and she never will. Every day he looks at her, he’ll have to think, “This is the girl who helped ruin my relationship, this is the girl who ruined even our friendship.” Yes, he made the choice to cheat but she made the choice to help and every day he misses me, he has to look at her ugly face and know she purposely chose to ignore his existing relationship and is almost as much to blame as he is. He wants me in his life and it was her convincing him to message me that removed even that option.
Him informing me of their relationship was bad because, see, I didn’t know he’s been sleeping with her for over a year, even when we did reconcile in October. He has been sleeping with her for a year and a half off and on and she knew about me a good portion of the time. I didn’t know they were still cheating together until two days ago, I was living in blissful ignorance and had finally moved on. So she knew that telling me would hurt and bad. She also knew he’d suffer for it but didn’t care. What she didn’t expect was my nasty backlash. I sent her a message telling her exactly what I thought of her and I don’t feel bad; not for the well-deserved insults, not for showing her the love letters he’s writing even today, not for a single word. She purposely attempted to cause me harm in a desperate move to get rid of me, even though I haven’t done a single thing wrong. I have kept my distance from him just to keep from hurting him and they both saw fit to come back into my life, bringing all their fucked up problems with them. That…is not okay. He ruined 5 years of my life, it is not okay for him to shove his current relationship’s problems in my face whether they pertain to me or not. It’s not my fault that they are both cheaters, it’s not my fault that they conspired to begin a relationship based on lies, and it’s not my place to help them bear the burden they created for themselves in being so selfish and dishonest.
I’m so angry, so furious that I think writing it all out in letter form is the only thing that might help – that, above, isn’t even half of what I’ve got to say. I got away once, I can do it again. All avenues of communication are now permanently cut. He’s nothing more than a monster to me so, in that respect, he finally found the girl for him – someone just as monstrous on the inside and out.
It doesn’t help that my boyfriend is going through a rough time right now, too. His Grandfather is very ill and he’s behind in homework. His mood has been off since yesterday and when I asked about it today, he said part of him thinks he needs space while another part doesn’t but that he doesn’t want me to think he’s pushing me away. So I told him that as long as we’re still good, I can honor his need for space and that he can reach out for help any time he needs it, day or night. So I guess I’m on my own for the time being.