Here we go, day four no scale. I am starting to worry about the numbers on the scale less and focus on what I’ve been doing more. Portion sizes, cutting out wheat, cutting back on sugar, eating more veggies and exercising. I think it was a good choice to get away from the scale for awhile. I really was making me nuts.
This morning DD and I did our first morning walk. We didn’t go very far, and it took more than half an hour to get her out of bed, but I feel it was a positive first step. I didn’t let being disorganized stop me either. Hopefully tomorrow I will be better prepared (and find my mp3 player for example) but I won’t let it stop me if I’m not.
Exercising in the morning really encourages a morning routine, which is good for depressed people. Being sweaty made we want to shower and brush my teeth, etc. I really struggle with self care when I am depressed. I guess that is true of many depressed people, we often feel “why bother” about the things that would make us feel better.
Speaking of depression, this is day 3 for the new doubled med dose. I have a bad case of the sleepys like I did when I started the lower dose, and I expect it to last for a couple more days. Still needing naps for a week or so is not a patch on not getting out of bed for days like when I was really blue.
Gonna walk to the library today, it’s a mile away. I expect I will need one break, and that is pretty good. Also getting ready to bake some of those healthier chocolate muffins (where you add a can of pumpkin to cake mix and nothing else) to give DD something to enjoy that is a little better for her. Hope they turn out - taste tests today, so we shall see.
This is getting pretty long (probably to avoid getting started on my chores) so I guess I’d better sign off. Have a really good day everyone!
Posted on June 28th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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June is coming to a close. I didn’t walk today, the kids I was watching voted to stay in and play video games. As it was rainy and my leg was still hurting I was okay with that. I just have to remember to walk tomorrow. As we have planned a library trip, I think we can handle it.
I didn’t count calories today, but I feel like I was back on track. I feel like my meals were small, and I mostly avoided wheat, which should help my stomach calm down.
I did some house cleaning and got some grocery shopping done. I also took a long nap. I think I am adjusting to the new meds. I remember doing naps when I started it and now again that I doubled the dose I guess.
gonna try to make those choc cake mix/pumpkin muffins in the morning. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Posted on June 27th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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My first 3 goals were NSV: I wanted to lose enough weight that I could sleep laying down again, I wanted to be able to walk a half mile (finally did that, but its tough) and I wanted to be able to sit down with my pants buttoned! (I know that’s a bit of a silly goal, but it’s embarrassing to have to button your pants every time you want to stand up to do something!)
SO: first 3 goals met! I love sleeping laying down, it’s something people take for granted, but its so much more relaxing than sitting up to sleep for half the night because of acid reflux! And as for the pants, no more sheepish looks when somebody comes to my glass back door to knock and I trying not to look at them when I have to grab my pants and button them when I stand up (I”m not doing anything weird I swear! I’m just really fat!)
And the big one, a half mile - wow, it still nearly kills me but I can do it without stopping now!
So new goals: I like including some NSV in there too, because I get too obsessed with the scale and the tricks to making it show less otherwise. Hmmmmm……. ok:
1. fit into and comfortably button a pair of size 26 pants
2. walk a mile without stopping ( this one may take a while)
3. Get under 300 lbs. (last weigh in I was 308, so this should take about a month)
Posted on June 27th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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Almost gave in yesterday on stepping on the scale - what’s keeping me going is the idea that it is just a week. One week, seven days - not that long. Maybe that’s an insight. I can do hard things if I break them into manageable chunks.
I actually got myself up to go walking early this morning - but it was pouring down rain. Not just drizzling or showering, pouring with thunder and lightning, so not gonna do that today. But at least I got up and dressed instead of just rolling over and going back to sleep. Gonna do some housework instead.
I finally caught up with calculating my calories for yesterday, I had more than I realized 2200 - I haven’t eaten that much in a while and I was so tired yesterday I had to have a long nap. I wonder what was up with that? Is my body fighting me on losing weight? or did having more carbs than usual set off a craving and then a crash? Not sure, guess it could be the change in my meds too, it was the first day at the new dose.
Oh well, today is a new day, and I can just do the best I can do today. Hopefully it stops raining so DD and I can walk to library this afternoon.
Posted on June 27th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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I love bread! I do! I love bread and breaded things and bready things….. but it really really hates me! I get the worst gas pain and bloat and tummy upset (diarrhea). For lunch I had two pieces of pizza and a big salad, in the last half hour I have made four trips to the bathroom and I feel like someone is punching me in the gut.
stupid bread! why do you have to be everywhere and on or in everything!
Posted on June 26th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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This is hard, its sitting there in the kitchen calling to me (its supposed to be WI, get on the scale) just a little hop, you can do it ….. stupid scale - you’re not gonna tell me what kind of day I’m gonna have! I’m done thinking about you!
…Wow, I’m only half awake - but I can’t sleep in because I’m so heavy that it hurts my hips to lay on them for too long. I roll over every couple hours, but after a nights sleep it starts to get to much and they start to really hurt if I don’t get up…… that’s kind of embarrassing to admit, like it’s all the bad myths about super obese people! You’re so fat, even sleeping hurts you! Oh well, another thing to look forward to being gone:
OK: a NSV for this week:
my bigger 28W jeans are starting to fall off when I walk. Now it’s weird because I have 2 different kinds of 28W jeans from Lane Bryant online. A darker blue one and a light blue one. The lighter blue one is bigger around the waist - always has been. When I was my heaviest, they were the only ones I could wear, even unbuttoned at the waist. (Ah, the days of being so fat, I could wear my pants unbuttoned and they were still so tight they didn’t fall down!) They are just plain too big now! so I guess I need to set them aside until I get some kind of belt. I need to find all 3 of my darker pairs and keep them washed in rotation. I don’t want to buy a new pair at 26, I want to make due until I hit 24 and then buy a pair or two and I’m just not there yet.
Do you guys buy pants at every size? every other size? maybe I could go to the thrift store.
Posted on June 26th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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Today was a pretty good day: DD is staying at Grandma’s for the weekend, so DH and I can have some time together. We’ve gone out for dinner, slept late, gonna on a movie date and gotten in some serious cuddle time, its been very nice. Right now we are chillin’.
I picked up my new prescription. Saw the Dr. on friday and she thinks that I’ve been depressed for so long that its all out of wack “upstairs” chemically and she wants to treat it very aggressively so once we found out I could tolerate fluoxetine (prozac) she doubled the dose (from 20mg to 40mg daily) and I’ve got that for 3 months and she may consider upping it to 60 at that point. I am excited to try the 40 as the 20 has been so helpful. It’s like I told her - it’s like standing in the tide at knee height instead of up to my shoulders, problems still come and go, but they don’t knock me off my feet and sweep me away - I can handle it a little better.
Didn’t walk today as leg was still a little sore and swollen from the mega walk on Friday - I have no idea what was wrong with it - but what happened was that I had to walk 2 miles as fast as I could go to get to Dr’s office because I missed a connecting bus and I couldn’t wait for the next one. My knee started killing me, but not in the usual way (kneecap popping in and out.) Instead it hurt steadily about an inch below the knee on the left side and then my leg swelled up about 3-4 inches bigger around than usual. I didn’t have a fever or any hot spots and it only hurt when I walked so I just put it up and stayed off it and took an ibuprofen. It seems to have worked as it has returned to normal size and is only a little sore today. But still, no walking today.
Eating was pretty good though, really good if you consider that we ate out for lunch and dinner. milk for breakfast, and italian beef sandwich for lunch and a salad for dinner with a couple bites of steak and broccoli. I may even have a chocolate bar or a drink as a treat tonight - I have the calories and carbs for it.
Posted on June 25th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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Everyone has been so compassionate, kind and caring as well as full of good advice. Based on that I have decided to do something dramatic. I am gonna try go scale free for one week and just focus on NSV and how I feel different. This won’t be easy, but its just one week and I think it maybe just what I need for awhile.
So, no WI tomorrow!
Posted on June 25th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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why DO the numbers on the scale control my life? Why can’t I be happy or proud even if they don’t change! Why does it tell me how to feel? Why does it make me so angry? Why can’t I focus on my actions or my mental health? This is making me crazy! This is the point where I always fail at this because it makes me nuts after awhile! I feel like I could scream!
Posted on June 24th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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its not a perfect day, but I don’t need to be perfect. But it is definitely getting better. I cleaned the kitchen and the living room. I called maintenance about a leaky faucet. I did a load of dishes and made a healthy dinner and although my portion was a bit large, I feel more back on track. For today, I just need to be done eating for the day (it was a big dinner)
My goal for tomorrow is to walk.
Posted on June 23rd, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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