had bad eating day because of conflicting goals

I know this is silly but,

I started using MyFitnessPal to track my calories and such more easily so I have info to show nutritionist when I see her, and I immediately had a mental freak out because A.  what I was eating had more calories and more sugar than I realized and B. I was apparently eating way more calories then they recommend.

So even though I have been losing and getting lots of vitamins, I only ate half my normal lunch because I freaked out about the calorie that I was eating.  Wrong choice, I ended up starving and not eating enough veggies today - and eating candy because it had fewer calories than the nuts I was eating and I don’t like that……….

soooo……… at first I was gonna drop myfitnesspal, but I found out you can custom the calorie limit, so as long as I’m losing weight and feel good I am gonna go back to what I was doing, but with the raised calorie limit on the thing and go back to counting veg

I feel inspired this morning by 3FC

I was visiting the forum this morning, I have been skimming the posts lately - but for the first time I noticed how much weight many of these ladies and gents have lost.  I just had just kind of assumed that most of them were like me, struggling to lose the same 20 or 30lbs over 300 and trying to get to 299, but a lot of them have gone waaaaaaaaaay beyond that and are working towards 199 - wow - color me impressed.  And they seem to be eating pretty normal foods (although exercising much more than me)

So I have decided to buckle down.  What I am doing works for me, so I’m not changing that, but I have been having my usual weekend slip up/trip ups and it’s time to do better.

New this week is MyFitnessPal website.  A really exhaustive calorie counting website.  And no, this isn’t some paid ad.  I have just seen many of the successful 3FC peeps talking about it and it has the most expansive calorie database I have seen - taking a lot of the work I hated about calorie counting out of the picture.  So I am gonna give it a try.  2lbs a week!  2lbs a week!  I can do this!  Now I just have to measure!

My fitness pal

I have seen dozens of people talking about using my fitness pal - so I’m giving it a try.  I have just been writing down what I eat in a spreadsheet - but not calculating calories cuz it’s a pain in the butt -

however this app seems to have a lot stored in it’s memory, so I will give it a try

firming up my plan

OK

So I am firming up my life changes a bit more.  I am still liking the results from the IF where I skip the morning meal, so I am gonna stick with that however, friday night to saturday morning is gonna be a free, higher calorie day for me - so I am gonna have breakfast on Saturday mornings with my family.

Apparently I can barely tolerate wheat anymore.  Took my stomach medicine yesterday and had a cheeseburger last night, figuring I could ride out the stomach upset - only problem is it made my throat problems worse and I broke out in a bumpy red rash on my face WTF? and this morning I decided to have a tornado from QT, my old breakfast love and here is my neck puffing up again and hurting………… and now my chest hurts as well, that’s new. Had to take an antihistimine last and just now as well.  Wheat really isn’t my friend, sheesh.

I am gonna have to figure out something I can eat as a treat breakfast that feels like a treat, has a decent number of calories and doesnt have wheat

anyway…. back to the firming up part -  IF, no breakfast - probably should get back on the ginger tea habit - for lunch a sweet berry smoothie and sweet and nut salad - vegan, for dinner, a soup, a savory salad and a bit of the dinner.

OK, I think I’m doing better for now

I think part of my problem is I am trying to do to many things at once, and so it is A LOT of changes: changes in school, changes in job, changes in housecleaning, changes in exercise and changes in eat - BIG changes in eating really.

The problem is I feel really pressured to make big changes fast because I am worried about this potential job.  Our finances are trashed because I took a chance and went back to school, and now it’s not working out.  I have been at a loss as how to readjust my life, my expectations and my goals and I am working on it right now.  But I am also grieving for what I hoped would happen.  A part of me really wanted to be a Dr and it is quite a blow that I am not smart enough or diligent enough in my study to be one.

But my family has stuck by me even though it has been really tough and had hard problems for them and I owe it to them to sort the job issue out.

I owe me a healthier body.  One where I can breathe properly and sleep properly.  I long for the day I can breathe laying down and sleep restfully through the night.

I think I will work on fine tuning my goals for now.

I know that I’m whining - sorry

I know that I’m whining, but this is where I go to vent and dump my negative feelings - so skip it if you want.

I don’t want to do today.  I am feeling down and overwhelmed.  I feel like nothing I do will be enough. Trying to count and measure everything I eat is stupid and annoying.  How many fruits, How many veg - is that a serving?  Washing and chopping and eating huge stupid salads every day.  Exercising HURTS and makes me exhausted.  When does the energy and feel great kick in?  All I am is exhausted and frazzled.

This is the point where I often stop in a diet/lifestyle change/exercise program, and I know that is not an option this time.  But I am still struggling.

So I am trying to do something different here.  I am trying to recognize my feelings here and grieve for my old life.  My old life had some awesome stuff in it.  I ate whatever I felt like eating - until I felt like stopping.  I got to lay around the house all day.  My muscles didn’t hurt very often.  I had no job to go to, no waiting for the bus, very few obligations.  It was my schedule, my choices……

Now I know realistically that I did hurt, that eating what I want caused me major stomach pain and constant explosive diarrhea.  Sometimes I went to the bathroom 5 times an hour after a meal.  I had headaches often.  Being broke because I had no job and no job security made me often cry, our savings is gone and bill collectors was calling and my chest hurt from the anxiety of not knowing how to make it better. I spent a lot of my day sleeping to deal and because a day of sleeping on the couch left me exhausted I would crawl into bed at 8:30 or 9pm.  even walking the dog a half mile was becoming exhausting….

I have a lot of bad habits and a lot of pounds.  I know that I can’t change years of habits in a couple of months, but it is exhausting thinking about everything all the time.

productivity hit the wall

Today started out productive and then went splat around dinner time.  I am worn out and don’t want to do another damn thing.

Plus I feel crappy.  my stomach is upset and I am having diarrhea again - I thought I was past that.  Why the h*ll did I give up so many things and try to learn to like new things if my stomach was just going to continue to be in pain.

To much cheese, I guess.  I can’t win!  Low fat meals leave me feeling sad and unsatisfied - cheese at lunch and cheese at dinner and I have pain and bowel troubles again.  It’s still hard to breathe and now I have these painful bumps on the back of my neck and down my back and they are so darn itchy!

I was productive till 4, after that, only the bare minimum done.

gonna weigh in and see if that cheers me up - hang on - OK, it said 314.5 that helped a bit even though I know it was artificially low because of the diarrhea and being dehydrated

today has been a bit more productive

It’s not noon yet here, and I am worn out from the work I have done so far.

I don’t yet have the stamina built up for a regular work day, but I need to keep that as a goal.  it is a hard transition - but I  have been at home, depressed and out of shape for a really long time.

I still have to take breaks every 10-15 mins of cleaning, and I can’t do dishes standing up (although I can stand up to do some) so I have a very long way to go.  I need prayers and luck and hope.

Dear G*d, thank you

Dear G*d

I don’t think I have said thank you in a while.  Thank You.  Thank for the second chance at feeling better. Thank you for allowing me to be ready to be helped without it having to be a dire circumstance first.  Thank you for my family and their health.  Thank you for this opportunity for work - it has been so long since anyone considered me or that I had hope I could find work.

I need your help in getting mentally and physically ready for this job.  It is going to be hard for awhile.  I haven’t been on my feet so much in awhile and I fear being able to lift enough - please help me and inspire me to get there.

Please help me today as I am down.  I am down because I am afraid.  I am afraid because there are so many changes right now and I am afraid of not being able.

also, PS - on a very small note - please help me get the dog pee smell out of the couch.

Wed 5/14 - the emotions of overeating

Food is such a trap.  We have to eat.   When I am not eating, all I think about is eating.  When I eat, I am happy - the rest of the world falls away - there is only the tastes, the textures.  None of the problems that are always eating away at my brain can break through.  The act of eating, is one of profound relief.  But then, afterwords - I never have eaten well enough.  To much food or the wrong kind of food, or not the right foods - I just feel worse afterwords and then have to deal with that on top of the pile of problems that have now come back.

I feel your pain and I don’t know how to break the cycle either.