don’t hate exercise (much) anymore

I realized I am excited about joining a gym this summer, I want to lift weights and swim.  I also am getting to like my chair exercise video and walking a mile doesn’t hurt the way it used too.  I remember a few weeks ago I was moaning about “when would this happen” and today, I didn’t hate it for the first time.  I felt a sense of accomplishment when it was done. I can’t promise it will stay that way - but for the record, I felt that way today.

struggling, stress is kicking in

starting to struggle not to keep eating outside my eating window.   stress is kicking in.

I have a job interview friday

I have a job interview Friday……….

How nerve wracking is that?  I have been out of work for 5 years, and haven’t been able to get an interview in more than 3.  It would be a blessing to get this job.  I am not going to eat my stress though.

since I managed it yesterday……..

since I managed it yesterday…….. I am feeling a bit more motivated today.  Things aren’t perfect - the job front isn’t going the way I would like, but that isn’t within my control so I just have to accept it.

plan for the day, do my exercises, work on the huge pile of housework, have a kickass southwest salad for lunch - not my usual vegan lunch - but I made to big a salad last night and it is way to yummy to go to waste.  Let’s hope having a mayo based dressing for a couple meals in a row won’t cause a gain, cuz I just joined a weekly charting thread on 3FC

on other news, my throat is a bit scratchy, can’t say I’m thrilled about that, don’t need a cold and that’s for sure. Oh well, off to finish packing up the kid for school.

half hearted, but I did today

Not where I want to be yet, but I did walk most of a mile and did a half hour of chair exercises and some light yoga stretching.

I did eat mostly salad today, and stuck to the IF timing - but my dinner salad was a heavy one, with a (southwest) ranch dressing, which was made with mayo and yogurt - so I have no idea of the calories - I just ate a big salad and a taco.  It was really good though, I can see making it again, just next time, i will keep the dressing on the side, I over did it with this one.

so just need to keep going.

I admit to being worried/ out of faith. My 3 day weekend binge resulted in a 1.5-2lb gain, and while not at an official weight in time, it still makes me worry that the losses will stop.  I guess we will have to see.

today is a hard day so far, talking out my feelings

today is a hard day so far,

I have a lot of internal anger because everything is so hard.  I want to lash out at everyone and everything.  I know I made the mess I am in, but dammit…… I’m trying to fix it and there seem to be obstacles at every turn.  Stumbling blocks, stumbling blocks - it feels impossible to walk for all the stumbling blocks.

I have eaten well on my plan today and feel quite full - so that is good.  Have not exercised yet, but there is still time.  I feel so tired because I am coming back down from the sugar this weekend and also because I was up for a couple hours during the night because of anxiety about the job situation.

I keep feeling like Dory the fish, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  I hope that if I ever make my first weight goal of 299 that it will give me a measure of confidence, I could use it.

things to remember

I stole these from a 3fc forum member and made them for me:

1. I want to be healthy and feel comfortable in my body.
2. I do not want to die and leave the people I love without me.
3. I do not want to be embarrassed by how heavy I am.

Not sleeping and not happy about it

It’s 3am and I am awake again.  Itchy bug bites and anxiety came together to wake me up again.  I might as well talk about something that made me sad today.

Had my picture taken for a school ID today and even though I have lost 30lbs I am just really fat.  Fatter than I was when I had my last ID taken. Fat, Fat, Fat………

It doesnt matter if I am eating better and exercising more and have lost weight, I am still fatter.  All people see is a fatty.  A more than 300lb fatty.

I know that if I keep  this up, next year at this time I will be happier, but right now, I am a fatty and it makes me sad………

another day that didnt go well

Today was a bad day in the eating dept and it is my fault.  I take responsibility.  These last three days have been a binge fest and completely my fault.

I haven’t had such a long binge in a while………. sigh

I should have packed my lunch and not relied on what was there or tried to wait till I got home to eat. do better me!

today wasn’t a good day at all

It’s nearly nine and I am still eating.  Eating, Eating, Eating all day because of stress.  Everyone here is fighting with everyone else and tomorrow is going to be a very hard day because of a stressful interview.

God please bring me some peace tonight and some strength to begin again tomorrow