300+ … can’t believe it

Ah, the joys of having a Monday off work.  I am the only one awake in the house. DH is sleeping to his hearts content and DD is still recovering from her 4 day sleep over.  I promised to wake her up in a little bit though, the local parade goes right by our house.

On another, happy note: my sister from California called today to tell me what a great time they had last year when they visited us and we took them to the parade - so it has been a sweet morning.

and oh yeah! I have BBQ left overs!  Grilled meats and veggies to my hearts content for the next couple days.  Corn on the cob, maybe I’ll even make some potato salad - oh joy!

My sister in from Iowa (yeah, I got a lot of sisters) seemed a little overwhelmed, not used to trying to pack everyone in for a visit.  It was nice to see her.

on the diet and exercise front - I am considering ramping up my exercise level.  I think it might be time, I’ll write more on that later as I think about it.  I’m bad at the minutes challenges though, so I’ll probably have to make it something else.

Posted on July 4th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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I am so happy, my week away from the scale to focus on healthier habits worked great!  I am really feeling back in tune with portion size and exercise and I lost 5 lbs!

Hooray Hooray Hooray Me!  I am now at 303 and I am getting SO close to getting out of the 300s I know that I can do it this month!!!! I believe in me!

Posted on July 3rd, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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It’s about halfway through the last day of my 1 week no scale - I did better than usual and only had the one bobble, so yay me!  I have been pretty good, thinking a lot more about exercise and portions seem back under control.  Right now it is dinner time and DH is making baked chicken nuggets and tater tots (house full of pre-teen girls, remember?) and they smell GOOD!  I can’t wait!  We did a ton of walking and pool time so I am starving, I am ready to eat my hat I think, but they are still not quite done.

the cookie story - I am really hungry and just now, I went to the kitchen poking around and without thinking opened up the lid to the peanut butter/oatmeal cookies I made last night and started reaching for one.  Now I can have these cookies - they are no-wheat, relatively low in sugar (I subbed in some splenda) and very filling so I rarely eat more than 2 - but as I reached for a cookie, I was like, - I don’t want a cookie!  I want a protein and some starch, dinner is almost ready, I can wait for a bit.  and so I got a drink of water and sat down to type an update instead.  Yay me!

I was eating because I was hungry, so I wouldn’t have minded to much - but I wanted better stuff.  It’s nice to crave real food and know that cookies or sweets won’t fill that void.

Posted on July 2nd, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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Got a house full of little girls for the holiday weekend!  should be lots of fun

Finally got the house pretty caught up, did a TON of laundry and dishes yesterday and I vacuumed this morning, even for post first night of sleep over it looks pretty good, just gotta go clear a barbie free space in DD’s bedroom to put up an inflatable mattress cause littlest one got bumped from her sleeping space by DD’s bed hogging last night.

Gonna swim later, am looking forward to that.

Have a great Friday all!

Posted on July 1st, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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I think this morning I just want to talk about my feelings for awhile …

I know that I am fighting a long term depression and that recovery takes a while and that even with meds I shouldn’t expect not to feel down sometimes.  But this is a bad one right now.  It started last night.  I even started a binge - admittedly 3 chocolate pumpkin muffins at 60 calories each is not much of a binge- but its the overwhelming feeling I’m talking about.  I wanted these feelings to be gone - stupid depression.

In order to sort through my feelings, I’m going to try to break them down into categories

1.   I am angry with myself:   I am angry with myself because I gave in and stepped on the scale last night and this morning.  I was only trying to go a week without the scale, its not that long and I had a good reason for trying to do it and I feel that this shows I lack discipline, which is of concern to me.  I have some residual anger at myself for letting myself become such a mess.  I am unkempt and a slob and fat (wow I just realized that statement packs a lot of anger).

2.  I am worried: I am worried that I can’t beat this depression, that I can’t really lose weight and that I will never really be able to change because I am undisciplined and just a general mess.

3.  I forgive myself: I forgive myself for stepping on the scale.  It was an arbitrary decision to quit for a week because I thought it would help me focus on my path to getting healthier - I think I have done that.  I have been cutting back on portions again, and am doing better going without wheat (yesterday excluded) this is my second day of morning walking (and believe me I really didn’t want to go this morning)  Maybe discipline isn’t black or white/ all or nothing and its something you have to grow at.  I will get back on my no-scale plan and forgive myself for what is really a small mistake and keep going on focusing on my path to a healthier me.

4.  I will work on my self image:  I see myself as a fat unkempt slob.  what does the word fat mean to me?  unattractive?  undesirable? hopeless? housebound? doomed to be low class?

- Unkempt is easier - in being depressed and no longer going to work I have stopped taking care of my appearance.  I throw my hair in a ponytail and don’t wear makeup on the best of days.  When I am down, I don’t shower or brush my teeth, I pick at my acne and don’t care if I have clean neat clothes.  This is disruptive to my marriage and I suspect it is bothering me more than I realize because I have a lot of feelings boiling around in there when I think about it.

- a slob?  well I am, I admit it.  I tend to leave things where ever I use them.  Plates with food left in the living room when I finish eating.  Something like 4 days worth of dishes in the sink and practically no clean clothes for anybody.  I can’t even walk to my side of the bed without climbing over piles of stuff.  Sigh.  Having a dirty house makes me feel out of control and ashamed to have people over or when people come over.

I am working on these things and I guess I need to work on my self esteem in general.  I am trying to make changes - but I admit its hard, part of me likes the freedom and free time of not caring - I just don’t like the fruit of the tree so to speak. I like not spending time picking up - but I don’t like being lonely because I won’t have people over because I’m embarrassed.  I suspect these changes will be slow - but I’m getting there.

5.  I’m proud of myself: This one is harder, I am not used to thinking in these terms.  I am proud that I got up and went walking this morning.  I really didn’t want to go.  I am proud that I think about what I eat more and try to make healthier choice and choose smaller portions.  I am proud that I finally sought help for my depression and I’m working on that.  I am proud that I am trying.  I am trying to be proud of the weight I have lost, if my little cheat scale hop on was right I may be up to 20 lbs loss and I am getting closer to my first WI goal of 299.  I am proud that I can walk farther and that I can walk at all.  I need to remember it was less than half a year ago that I could barely walk around the house.  I walked to the library and back - 2miles- That’s really good!

ok, that’s all I’ve got right now and it has been emotionally exhausting.  I am gonna have my breakfast milk and try to get cleaning on the house.

Posted on June 29th, 2011 by lostbutstilltrying
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