300+ ... can't believe it

getting back on track

lostbutstilltrying — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:02:06 +0000

ok, maybe this sounds crazy, but for the last week I have been easing back into the healthier eating lifestyle like it was a hot bath. One toe in…….. ok maybe now the other toe (etc)

this weekend I replaced the scale. It was a good motivator for me when it wasn’t making me nuts. The good news I only gained about 5lbs during the month and half or so that I was taking a break. The bad news is I gained 5 lbs in less than 2 months! do you realize that if I kept that up I would gain 30 lbs in a year! In only a few years I would weigh 400lbs - I don’t want to do that.

Its obvious I’m not ready to stop at this weight. That’s what was weighing on me. Since I stopped walking the stairs have become difficult and I have had a couple bouts of late night indigestion - I don’t care for that.

well, not gonna spend all day on this note - so more later

new starting weight: 308

ok, no recriminations

lostbutstilltrying — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 20:06:15 +0000

I’ve been gone about a month and I got off track. It was hot, I was hurt, it happens. By I like that metaphor that if you’re walking somewhere important and you realize that you’ve gone the wrong way for awhile do you say “well, that’s it, guess I better go home, to heck with that important thing” or do you fix your course and keep on going, because its important.

I binged, I’m discouraged

lostbutstilltrying — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 20:39:56 +0000

I don’t know what happened - I was trying to listen to my body, I was so hungry that I just kept eating and eating. I would eat a portion and then wait to see if I felt full - but I still felt hungry! It was the weirdest binge I ever had. I ate 5 servings of chicken salad (1500 calories just for that) and nearly a pint of strawberries …… I just felt so empty.

the only thing I can think of is that maybe I was mistaking thirsty for hungry….. I don’t know, right now I am really questioning if I actually am motivated to this. Why am I trying to do this? Is it for a certain size? Is it for public acceptance? Maybe I don’t care about sizes and numbers. I already feel much better than I did - maybe that is enough……. I have to think about it for awhile.

my body is fighting me

lostbutstilltrying — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 15:19:20 +0000

My body is fighting the weight loss. I am achey and tired and hungry all the time. I’m retaining water and I don’t want to exercise and I’m very cranky - I guess that means I’m doing something right.

sorry for all the mini posts, I’m just trying to do something constructive instead of eat.

feeling discouraged

lostbutstilltrying — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 13:30:15 +0000

I know its not my official WI yet, but I hopped on the scale for a mid week peek and it is showing the same number as Sunday … and it made me feel a little discouraged. I know that it may yet pick up before Sunday - it is only Wednesday after all, but I did so well the last couple of days, even walking when I really didn’t want to, that I guess I was hoping to see it trending downward. Oh well … nothing to do, but keep going, these things happen.

Really sore this morning

lostbutstilltrying — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 11:48:11 +0000

I just ache all over. My hips hurt so much I had to get out of bed before the alarm went off because I could not lay on them anymore. My knees hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts. I can’t remember being this sore for awhile and I don’t understand. I only did a mile yesterday. It was tough - very hot, but just to Target and back - I have walked it before. Its hard, but nothing that should have made me feel like this. I feel like my body is really resisting these changes - making me exhausted and sore. I was so tired yesterday I took a 2 hour nap and now this.

I am gonna try not to give up. I took some ibuprofen and I’m gonna stretch. We’ll see how today goes.

I guess I needed a nap

lostbutstilltrying — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 20:39:17 +0000

I guess I was feeling overwhelmed, to many things on my plate - to many changes.

I took a nap and I feel a little better.

(tantrum) I DONT WANT TO EXERCISE ANYMORE!!!!

lostbutstilltrying — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 14:47:28 +0000

I am SO tired of getting up and pushing myself to exercise! I am sick of it! sick of it! I am tired of being sweaty, of stinking! I am tired of my knee popping in and out and my back and butt hurting! I am tired of hills seeming like mountains and people looking at me and laughing at me! I am tired of being beet red and pathetic! I am tired of being exhausted!

stoopid mile! I hate you!

Not feeling motivated to day, gotta push through

lostbutstilltrying — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 12:58:25 +0000

post holiday weekend malaise I guess. Just not feeling like exercising. I think I also feel overwhelmed. I have all these things staring me in the face that need to get done. Housework, DD exercise plan, my exercise plan, preparing for school in the fall, money troubles. sigh. I get to anxious thinking about the bigger picture. I need to focus on the smaller goals and just get through today.

weird fear of success/failure

lostbutstilltrying — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 18:35:50 +0000

Since this is where I go to post feelings so I don’t bottle them up and then eat myself silly, I’m gonna try talking about this again.

I am afraid. I am afraid this is all a trick and that I’m not really losing weight and that I’m not gonna lose anymore because I haven’t been a super strict crazy exercising person. Being that super strict person always makes me nuts and I can’t keep it up for long, so I fall off the wagon, binge and gain more weight back then I lost - and that has been my pattern for YEARS. That to strict/deny, binge, fail/give up self-hate pattern is what I’m used to.

So this time, I’m trying to make reasonable changes. Smaller portions, but what I want in moderation. Some snacks that aren’t good for me. Walking to places I want to go, instead of just walking. It has really been great. I am averaging 2lbs lost a week - but it doesn’t feel like a diet, so it feels like a trick. I know that I have made changes, but I can’t seem to feel it somehow. When is this gonna feel real? I don’t know, maybe when I look different enough for people to notice or I am in really different sizes.

I’ll think about it some more, right now I’m emotionally exhausted and I’m gonna nap.